Begin at the End

If you have just started reading this blog, please start from Day one to get the entire story.  Because of the way the blog is laid out, you will have to go the back to get to the beginning.  Follow the dates to the right side of the page.  The first post was on September 6, 2009.  Thank you.

Japan Times Article 3/20/14 and 5/12/14

http://www.japantimes.co.jp/news/2014/03/20/national/asij-admits-honored-teacher-sexually-abused-students/



http://www.japantimes.co.jp/community/2014/05/12/issues/asij-admission-teacher-abused-kids-ex-students-demand-inquiry/#.U3DCVC_waG-

Dream

I want to share my dream I had last week with you.   

We were heading to a reunion. It was my sister, Cherryl, and me. On the way we met another ASIJ alumni who had three children with her. We met on a random place on a very high trafficked multi-lane road. There were no buildings around and we just pulled onto a spot off the road. When we got into the car, the lady and the three children were all sitting in the back seat so I asked her if she wanted me to drive since I knew the way. 

I got in the car but the seat belt wouldn't buckle and I couldn't reach the pedals properly. I pulled into a huge lane of traffic and had to back into the center lane because cars were coming fast in the other lanes. I was using my left foot to brake and my right foot to quickly accelerate but couldn't seem to get it all working together. My toes were reaching the pedals but I felt very vulnerable and at risk. 

The next thing that happened was that all three children were sitting in the front seat with me. One was sitting in my lap and the other two next to me unbuckled. I kept on trying to drive while they were sitting in the front but I was scared because I couldn't protect them. 

Then all of a sudden the car I was driving was attached by a long string that was attached to another car about four car lengths in front of me. The car in front didn't appear to be aware that I was attached to it. It was driving erratically and I was trying to keep up with it because I was attached to it. I was crossing multiple lanes of traffic with three children in the front seat not buckled up. We finally were able to pull over because the car in front stopped. I jumped out to cut the string and couldn't find anything to cut it with. 

The next thing that happened was Cherryl, the other person and I walked into a restaurant to go to the bathroom. The children stayed in the car by themselves. We went into the restaurant and I became increasingly worried about the children. I wanted to leave and go get the children but the owner of the restaurant wouldn't let me leave. Cherryl and the other person were allowed to leave but I couldn't leave. The owner of the restaurant was a very strong and powerful man who apparently had many under his authority. All the women in the restaurant were women who he abducted and were not able to leave. 

I tried to be really nice to everyone. There were quite a few men in the restaurant who also worked there. It appeared to be a sex ring and they all worked together. I tried to find sympathy from any one of the men and thought I did from one of them. He quietly said, "follow me". I thought he was going to get me out of there but instead he took me into the basement. There were other men in the basement and some of the women who had been upstairs and been there for a while were down in the basement too. 

There was one other woman who had been abducted around the same time as me. We tried to console each other. The other women (who seemed to all be Japanese or Asian) hated us. Then the other woman who I was with said, "Your friends are trying to reach you." I turned around and the basement was open to the outside. There was a train track right next to where I was being held. All the people who were going to the reunion were on the train, looking out at me, wishing that they could help me but couldn't. Then the train went down the tracks as i watched them leave. 

 That's the end of my dream

Update # 1 3.30.14

Thank you to everyone who reached out to me during the last several weeks. We had our fundraiser for HOPE and it was a huge success!! Thanks for all your gambate's. Ok. Here goes. I will attempt to get all the facts, dates etc. straight but probably won't so please forgive me for any inaccuracies. The names stated from here forward are used with permission. In November 2011 the Penn State atrocities came to light. I wrote earlier in my blog about my thoughts about that. In December of 2011 I received an email from '68 ASIJ Alum, David Bruns. He came across my blog and read it in full before contacting me. His initial contact with me included a draft letter to the ASIJ administration asking for accountability from the administration for the Jack Moyer victims and for those possibly yet identified primarily in the Japanese community. David mailed his first letter to ASIJ Chairman of the Board on December 9, 2011. By the end of January he had not heard or received a response from ASIJ. It wasn't until February 20, 2012 that he received a letter from the Head of School. The letter stated that the board chair had received the correspondence and that both the Head of School and the board chair were not in their current positions in 2004 when this all came to light. The letter also stated that,

"ASIJ continues to monitor, through practice and policy, vigilance to provide an appropriate level of education, protection, and proactive measures to insure the safety of our students."

This response was pretty much the same that Michele and I received from the previous administrations. I can understand why, however, because I'm sure their attorneys are keeping their hands tied and from what I have gathered it has worked so far. Read this latest article about Jerry Sandusky's wife to see how far reaching this is for so many people. http://www.cnn.com/2014/03/26/justice/dottie-sandusky-interview/index.html"
http://www.cnn.com/2014/03/26/justice/dottie-sandusky-interview/index.html And look at how it has impacted Penn State.

"Since the trial, 26 men have settled claims with Penn State totaling $59.7 million in connection with the Sandusky scandal, the university announced last fall. A few other claims have not yet been settled."

In the meantime, on Oct. 2, 2012 I received an email from another one of Jack's targets, Jennifer Vogel Laurie class of '87. While on her own journey to find out what happened to her personally, she ran across my blog and found that she wasn't alone. She shared her personal experience with me and shared that she found it very difficult to read the blog because she found herself listed in the horrible numbered admittance by Jack. She went on to say,

"When I read in your blog about ASIJ's lack of willingness to protect it's students, it was as if the scab was freshly ripped off again. I am absolutely furious....To discover that what happened to me in the summer of 1982 could have been prevented if they had taken action after being made aware of his behavior in 1977, and again in 1982 (the same year!!), I feel incredibly let down and disgusted."

Let me state right here that all of a sudden I felt thrown back into all the emotions and feelings I had while originally writing my blog in 2009 and 2010. I didn't want to revisit it, I didn't want to have to answer questions. I really wanted to lay it to rest. I have to admit that this new request was difficult for me to handle. HOPE experienced a devastating fire in October of 2012. I had recently been promoted to President/CEO and I had a lot on my plate. Additionally, after the fire (possibly due to vandalism) we had 15 more cases of vandalism. It seemed like every day I arrived at the office another crisis happened and my life was spinning out of control but I couldn't let go. I find it interesting too that the announcement from ASIJ this year came right before a huge event. Timing for me for all of this was very off. I didn't handle this new request and information very well. I was done. Over. But, it wasn't at all over for Jennifer. Jennifer continued to ask me questions via email and I responded the best way I could but not very well. I received a long correspondence from her in February 2013. I was still in the throws of recovering from the fire. We still had not settled with the insurance company. Half of our building was gutted, we moved all of our offices into a small space. We were working on top of each other still trying to meet the needs of our community. It just wasn't a good time for me all the way around. Meanwhile, being disappointed in the school's response to his letter, David wrote another letter to the Chairman of the Board in November of 2012. One paragraph of that letter read,

"I attach my previous letter and urge you to reconsider your silence and apparent inaction. It can seem unfair that the previous boards have failed to deal appropriately with this case and that it ends up in your laps. However, the fact remains that the school has not fulfilled its obligation to deal with this publicly. It is now your responsibility."

On December 1, 2012 he followed up with an email to the Head of School calling again for public action. He received another response in February basically saying,

"We are looking into it and I can't say anything else at this time."

Being the leader of a nonprofit organization, I can completely understand the administration's dilemma. If you publicly announce your knowledge of the activity, you are opening yourself up for a huge lawsuit. I get it. That's why the letter to the alum this year in March was still very vague. In May of 2013, I received another email from David stating that he was heading to an ASIJ 1968 reunion in San Diego in June and was hoping to talk with some of his fellow classmates about this. My brother, Stuart, was at the reunion as well as some other people who he spoke with about the school's obligation to publicly acknowledge Moyer's abuse. During the summer of 2013 I was not privy to any activity going on with either David or Jennifer. In late October I received an email from David asking if he could call me. I must say that I was hesitant and really at this point in time didn't really know his motive. I wasn't sure I could trust him and felt very reluctant to take his call. However, never being one to run away from difficulty I accepted his request and he called me. It was very difficult at first for me to speak with David. I expressed to him my distrust and my reluctance to speak with him. I asked him why he was so adamant about pursuing this when he really didn't have any skin in the game. He shared some information with me that would indicate he was genuine and he also shared a concern that no one was reaching out to the Japanese students who possible were subjected to Jack's abuse. After our conversation, I felt better about David's work but explained to him that I just wasn't up to the task. I begged forgiveness and gave him my gambate. I also let him know that Jennifer was also pursuing the same thing with ASIJ and introduced the two of them to each other. In November and December of 2013 both David and Jennifer were corresponding with the school. In November of 2013 Jennifer sent the letter written below.

My name is Jennifer (Vogel) Laurie. I was a student at ASIJ from 1979 through 1983, as part of the class of 1987. I left after I completed the 8th grade, when my family returned to the US, so I didn’t actually get to graduate from ASIJ with my classmates. I was very sad when my parents moved us back to the states as I truly love Japan and wanted to stay at ASIJ for the remainder of my school years. My sisters & brother also attended ASIJ over the years, and my sister Sandra graduated from there in 1980. Our family had always been very proud of our ASIJ ties. This letter has taken me over a year to write and it’s very difficult for me to do even now. When I was in the 7th grade in 1981-82, Jack Moyer was one of my teachers. I thought he was a wonderful teacher, and so did all of my classmates. When he started to give me special attention, I really felt like he cared about me and was interested in my learning and in supporting my interest in science. He would give me gifts, ask about my family and my home life, and give me advice about dealing with my parents. I felt so honored that he took an interest in me, and had a wonderful time talking to him about biology and oceanography, and what I wanted to do with my life when I grew up. I loved our school trip to Miyake and really wanted to learn how to SCUBA dive. He treated me like a grown-up. At that time, my 11 - 12 year old brain didn’t understand his motives. Right before the end of my 7th grade year, he called my home and asked me to go to Miyake with him (alone) that summer (1982). He came to my house and spoke with my parents, telling them that he knew that I wanted to learn to scuba dive, and he wanted to teach me. He must have been convincing because my parents allowed me to go with him. I’m sure that you can imagine what happened to me on that trip, because it’s widely known now that Moyer was a serial pedophile. Needless to say, the experience was very difficult and painful for me. As a child, I wasn’t capable of understanding or dealing with what happened to me, so for many years, I tried to put it out of my mind. I thought that I must have done something wrong and I didn’t want to get in trouble, so I didn’t tell anyone. Later in my 8th grade year, he asked me to go to Miyake again (I believe it must have been spring break, although I can’t recall now). Despite what had happened to me previously, I really wanted to go again, so this time I asked him if I could bring a friend with me, and he allowed it. He didn’t assault me on that trip, and shortly after that he stopped his pursuit of me. In my late teens, I began to experience depression and paralyzing anxiety, and as the years went on, the symptoms seemed to worsen. In my early 20s, I finally told my parents about what he had done to me. My father was furious and wanted to contact ASIJ, but at that time, I was buried in shame and didn’t want anyone to know, so I begged him not to and he respected my wishes. My anxiety and flashbacks were so severe that for years it was extremely hard for me to work. Over the years, I have been to many therapists, and have tried all sorts of treatments, including one-on-one counseling, group therapy, different medications, acupuncture and even hypnosis. I suffered for many years with only a modicum of improvement, until I found an excellent therapist in 2011 who specializes in trauma related issues. She has been slowly helping me deal with the flashbacks and the feelings of shame and helplessness that I had been dealing with for the last 30 years. One day, we were talking about Moyer and she asked me what year he had died. I couldn’t remember, and when I got home that night, it was bugging me so I went online to see if I could find out, and that is when I came across Janet Calcote Simmons’ blog, which I hope that you are by now familiar with. To say that it was a shock is a huge understatement. I was sitting in my home in Oregon, finding out that this man who had abused me so savagely 30 years prior had many other victims (I never knew there was anyone else for sure), and reading a very explicit account of my abuse that Moyer himself had written. Please refer to Janet’s blog, www.asij-holdingmyhand.blogspot.com . On day #58 “Moyer’s Response”, I am number 11 on the list. He left a few things out of his lurid description, but when he said that I was scared and didn’t want to touch him, he was right. Unfortunately, he didn’t give me a choice; he forced himself on me. As weird and awful as it was to read all of that, the most upsetting thing of all was finding out that ASIJ knew, as early as 1977 (if not earlier), that Moyer had been inappropriate with young girls and had failed to take action to protect other students. In fact, from what Janet Calcote Simmons reports, by the time I was abused by him in the summer of 1982, the ASIJ administration had been notified at least 2 times of his actions. How could that be true? It’s hard for me to come to grips with the fact that a school that was so loved by myself and my family actually KNEW that they had a pedophile on their faculty and didn’t deal with it. As a direct result of that inaction, he was still employed and able to assault me in 1982. I was (and still am) devastated. I have been in contact with Janet Calcote Simmons and Michele Connor, the two women who confronted Moyer and tried to make sure that no other children were abused by him. Michele has sent me copies of documents and letters that were sent between themselves and Mr. Moyer, and between the previous Headmaster (Tim Carr) and Janet. I have also received copies of letters that were sent to the ASIJ Board and you, Mr. Ladd, by Mr. David Bruns, a concerned alum from the class of 1968. I am deeply upset about what appears to be a complete lack of action and interest in bringing this situation to light and working on righting the wrongs of the past administrations. In a letter that was written by you, Mr. Ladd, to David Bruns on the 20th of February, 2012, you said, “As a school, we remain committed to our continued support for any victims in this matter”. This statement would indicate that there has actually been some support of victims, and that you were committed to continuing it. As a victim myself, I would very much like to know what types of support have been given and why no one has ever contacted me? I know that Janet Simmons had informed ASIJ in 2003 that she and Michele had spoken to and uncovered many more victims. What effort has ASIJ made to contact all of his victims and offer support or reparations? Did anyone there ever ask Ms. Calcote Simmons to provide names of victims that Moyer listed so that they could be contacted? I believe that I deserve to have answers to these questions as my name is on that list. I have spoken out to all of the classmates that I am still in touch with, and have received a lot of support from them. However I was very distraught to hear from one classmate who told me that Jack Moyer was not the only pedophile teacher at ASIJ, and that not only young girls were affected, but young boys also. However, he was not willing to go public with this information yet so I will not name him. I am assuming, as he was also in the class of 1987, that his abuse also occurred in the early to mid-1980s. He told me that he was not the only one. ASIJ has failed in every way regarding this matter, and I am deeply saddened by this. If someone had actually done something regarding Mr. Moyer and had made it right when it was first reported, maybe victims of other teachers would have felt safe to speak out and receive help. Regardless of whether anyone in the current administration was working there when the abuse was taking place, you still have the responsibility to bring this issue into the light, publicly, and make a concerted and true effort to make sure that all of the victims are helped. There could still be other unidentified victims out there who need assistance. The current administration has the opportunity to do the right thing. These are some of the things that I (and others) feel need to happen, as soon as possible: • Use school publications and websites to publicly talk about what happened and start a campaign to locate all female and male victims of sexual abuse at ASIJ. • Acknowledge what has happened and personally contact all victims and offer sincere apologies and assistance. • Establish a fund to help pay for professional counseling and treatment for victims. • Provide a link to assistance and support on your school and alumni web pages that victims can click on to be connected with help. In addition, there should be a place where those who have been molested by Moyer (and any other faculty or staff) can receive confidential assistance, perhaps through Tokyo English Life Line (TELL) or a school counselor at ASIJ. • Contact the Ministry of Education to alert them that to the fact that Mr. Moyer had approximately 18 years of contact with Japanese school children and could have had many victims during that time. Share what the school is doing for its own victims as ideas for how the Japanese victims (if they exist) could be helped. It is very disturbing to me that all of the victims have been living with so much pain and suffering for so many years and Mr. Moyer never had to deal with any consequences of his actions, at least until Janet Simmons and Michele Connor confronted him. I also found out that Mr. Moyer left ASIJ in 1984 voluntarily, and even after that continued with the Miyake program until the volcano erupted in 2000. I would very much like to know why this was allowed to happen. All of this has been very humiliating and painful, but the worst thing for me is the heartbreaking realization that the school neglected to stop him and has been indifferent to the needs of victims. I have sought the advice of a lawyer who has given me some suggestions on how to move forward, due to the fact that there is evidence that the school knew about Mr. Moyer’s behavior prior to the date that I was molested. Of course, it would be ideal if the school took a proactive approach and did what is right on its own. I look forward to hearing from you. Sincerely, Jennifer Vogel Laurie, ASIJ class of 1987

In December of 2013, I received a request to speak with one of the administrators from ASIJ via phone. I spoke with the administrator at length and felt like they (ASIJ) were attempting to do the right thing. The next time I received correspondence from ASIJ was on Friday, March 14 stating that an email would be sent out to all ASIJ alumn. Following is the email I received from the school.

March 17, 2014 Dear ASIJ Alumni and ASIJ Community, This past November, we received a letter from a former ASIJ student detailing sexual abuse by a former ASIJ teacher, Jack Moyer. Moyer was employed as a middle school teacher from 1963 - 84. Based on other information we have been able to gather, as well as an acknowledgement made by Moyer to another affected student prior to his death in 2004, we believe he engaged in inappropriate sexual contact with students during his teaching tenure at ASIJ. Following his retirement from teaching at ASIJ in 1984, Moyer continued as a consultant for ASIJ’s off-campus marine science programs until 2000. The current Board of Directors and leadership team take these circumstances very seriously and recognize the disturbing implication for our students and families, past and present. By openly acknowledging this sad part of our history and by offering our sincere sympathy to those who were impacted by these events, we hope to assist in the healing process. We encourage anyone who desires to share his or her experience with us to reach out. Please contact Board Chair, Mrs. Stephanie Howe Toppino by either calling the school directly (0422-34-5300 ext 201) or via email at stoppino@asij.ac.jp. We also take this opportunity to assure our community that ASIJ is a school committed to sustaining an environment that does not permit or condone any form of sexual abuse, sexual harassment, or any abuse of children by adults. To this end, we will continue to review policies and practices as they relate to the protection of students. Currently our counseling programs at each division address with our students about their responsibility to treat others with respect, their parallel right to be treated with respect and be safe in their person and how to report inappropriate behavior. Counselors at each division will continue to reinforce these messages. We would like to also announce an ASIJ donation to TELL Counseling. TELL offers counseling services throughout Japan as well as a Lifeline School Awareness Program and the Child Protection Awareness Program. All of these worthy programs address the needs and rights of children in Japan. We encourage those in the community who would like to join us in our pledge to do so by contacting TELL directly at http://www.telljp.com/index.php?/how_to_donate/ One of our core stated values at ASIJ is to provide for the social, physical, and emotional well being of our students. We believe that a culture of trust and respect is the very foundation on which all of our educational efforts as a community are based. As we look forward, the school will work to continually ensure that this foundation remains strong. A recent visitor to ASIJ remarked that our students look out for one another and are gentle in their interactions with each other. We are proud of this observation and will continue to ensure that this culture endures and is the standard by which we judge our success. In this day when social media is so prevalent and concerns with cyber-bullying so paramount, we ask you to be especially sensitive to the impact your words and posts (and those of your children) can have on our community. To ensure that any communications are both accurate and respect the privacy of our community, we ask that you refer any inquiries you may receive directly to either of us, rather than responding yourself. ASIJ, its leadership team, and its Board of Directors, thank you in advance for your understanding and cooperation. Sincerely, Stephanie H. Toppino Chair, Board of Directors Edwin V. Ladd Head of School

And now you know some of the rest of the story.

Post - ASIJ Letter to Alumni and Japan Times Article March 2014

Please forgive me for not having any information up yet about what transpired over the last several months. Again, I promise to have as much as I know up by the end of March. Please think about me as we are hosting a huge fundraiser for HOPE Ministries on March 27. Our goal is to raise $150,000. After I'm finished with the fundraiser then I can rest a bit and begin the REST OF THE STORY. I'm not sure anyone will be totally happy with the outcome. Please continue to advocate for those who can't advocate for themselves. Everyone has their own story. If nothing else, listen to others before you make a judgment. They have their story too. Thank you to everyone who reached out to me. It means a great deal.

March 2014

In light of all the activity that has gone on over the last few days I will attempt to let you all know what prompted the current administration to release the information. However, I am currently preparing for a large fundraiser next week and don't have a lot of free time. Hopefully, this weekend will afford me some time to write. Thank you to all of you who have reached out to me during this time. I'm doing very well and am glad it is finally out in the open. God's grace and mercy to all.

Anonymous from Day Seventeen

Anonymous from Day Seventeen. I would love to talk with you further. Please contact me either via email jsimmons@hopebr.org or via facebook at:
http://www.facebook.com/jkcsimmons

I look forward to hearing from you. Janet

Read from the bottom up

If this is your first time to this blog. Please start at day one and read from the bottom up. Evidently, I am unable to change the chronology. Sorry for the problems. Thanks for reading. Janet

Day Sixty - two

Jack returned from the Philippines after the Christmas and New Year holiday, and we put on the pressure. He was still resistant, not wanting to admit that working with children was not okay. He was concerned about his reputation. We sent several correspondences requesting that he stop working with children through his schools through-out Japan. He continued to try to convince us that he didn't have anything to "do" with the children and that the only reason his picture was on the website showing him working with children was for a photo op. We began putting on the pressure for him to cease and desist. He continued to resist. We continued to pressure.

On January 10, 2004, roughly 5:30p.m.EST, as I was getting ready to go out for the evening with my husband, I received a call from a friend and fellow SBMK. She said, "Janet, I don't know if you heard or not, but Jack was found dead in Tokyo. They think he committed suicide."

I remember sitting on my bed, letting the realization sink in. My biggest fear, the thing I did not want to happen, just came to realization. As I sat on my bed, many different feelings came to pass. Some feelings of relief, others of guilt, and then those of quiet contemplation. I remembered wanting Jack's approval. I remembered wanting to fit in and he provided that. I remembered wanting to be one of the "cool" kids. I remembered the confusion. I remembered wanting to be accepted for me, not for just some - body. I remembered being vulnerable and gullible (I still am to a certain degree). I remember being called TH&H - totally helpless and hopeless, I remembered telling him "no" and then being an outcast, non-entity, a reject. Then I remembered picking up the pieces and making it on my own. Returning to my "homeland" at 17 - just turned 17 - and my "homeland" wasn't my own. I was still so young. Still so vulnerable. Still so susceptible. But, GOD, in His incredible grace and sovereign knowledge,and infinite mercy placed me in His arms and made me strong. He helped me get through it. I was going to be okay. I made it this far didn't I?

I called Michele. She found out early that morning. She didn't want to tell me. I understood why. But, I was a lot better than even I thought I would be. I was determined not to let him overcome me or over power me, even in his death.

My husband and I continued with our plans that night. Both Michele and I realized we had to address this the next day. But, life would go on. Our horrible past would still live. And we all were NOT better for the outcome. But somehow, we were able to persevere.

http://www.japantimes.co.jp/news/2004/01/12/national/american-environmentalist-dead-in-suspected-suicide/

http://www.chanpon.org/archive/2004/01/25/18h09m21s#more

http://www.nytimes.com/1987/02/15/travel/japan-s-getaway-islands.html?pagewanted=all

Day Sixty-one

I have promised that I would complete this blog. There is still a lot of stuff that I haven't had a chance to review, however, in order to end the story, I believe it's important to continue.

After Jack responded to our request. He went to Singapore to see his family. I assume he spoke with his wife during that time and explained to her what was going on. We sent several more emails, insisting on his admission of his proclivities.

On Saturday, January 10, 2004 that morning, I was reading the Psalms. The following words laid before me.

Psalm 10:

Why O Lord, do you stand far off?
Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?
In his arrogance the wicked man hunts down the weak,
He boasts of the cravings of his heart;
He blesses the greedy and reviles the Lord.
In his pride the wicked does not seek him;
In all his thoughts there is nor room for God.
His ways are prosperous; he is haughty and your laws are far from him;
He sneers at all his enemies;
He says to himself, "Nothing will shake me. I will always be happy and never have trouble." His mouth is full of curses and lies and threats; trouble and evil are under his tongue. He lies in wait near the villages; from ambush he murders the innocent, watching in secret for his victims. He lies in wait like a lion in cover; he lies in wait to catch the helpless; he catches the helpless and drags them off in his net. His victims are crushed they collapse; they fall under his strength.
He says to himself, "God has forgotten; he covers his face and never sees."
Arise, Lord! Lift up your hand, O God.
Do not forget the helpless. Why does the wicked man revile God? Why does he say to himself, "He won't call me to account"?
But, you, O God, do see trouble and grief; you consider it to take it in hand. The victim commits himself to you; you are the helper of the fatherless.
Break the arm of the wicked and evil man; call him to account for his wickedness that would not be found out. The Lord is King for ever and ever, the nations will perish from his land. You hear, O Lord, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry, defending the fatherless and the oppressed, in order that man, who is of the earth, may terrify no more.

I read this the morning of Saturday, January 10, 2004.

Day Sixty

I promise I will get back to writing as soon as my life settles down. I do have a request, though, will someone please translate the comment on Day 59. It looks like it might be in Chinese. I can't begin to start translating it myself. Thanks so much for your help!!

The comment was spam so I deleted it. Sorry to bother you guys!!

Day Fifty-Nine

I guess you can imagine our reaction to this response. Unbelievable!! Can you believe that he actual equated the physical abuse to a relationship? Doesn't this show you how sick he was and how sick people can be? The really hard part for me was that the only recollection he had of his abuse of me was driving in a car and him putting his hand under my shirt. He didn't remember placing my futon next to his in the middle room at night. He didn't remember! I wonder if that's why he was so incensed that I was upset? To him, I was just another slight mistake.  He also didn't remember running the dogs with me on the golf course and he said our "relationship" began in 1971  at the end of my seventh grade year.  It actually began in the beginning of my seventh grade year in 1970.

It's amazing to me how he continues to use the word "crush". Or he would say, "I really liked her." As if sexually molesting an eleven year old was a "relationship".

Another interesting observation is that he didn't remember everyone. I do think that if I had not been involved in his exposure, he might not have remembered me. As the crowd from the 90's said, "Whatever!!"

It is going to take some time to filter through the rest of the emails from Michele. Thank you for continuing to follow through all of this. It may take several more weeks/months. Please write and let me know your thoughts. Have a wonderful Christmas.

I will finish!!

Day Fifty-eight Jack's response

I wrote this Wednesday night but chose to wait until now to post. Didn't want to mess up anyone's Thanksgiving. I hope it was great!!

Wednesday, November 25, 2009
First and foremost - Happy Thanksgiving!! For some reason I have been extra excited about the holidays this year. We were going to go to my Dad's (out in the beautiful Mississippi country) but.....you guessed it.....football kept us from leaving town. The Catholic High Bears are proceeding to the quarter finals and Friday night we face Acadiana - from Lafayette, LA. It will be an interesting night. The boys have practiced all week, even Thanksgiving morning. Talk about dedication.

I have been busy with work and getting ready for everyone to come to my house so I haven't had any opportunity to sit down and write. However, now that most of my house is asleep and I'm still up cooking for tomorrow, I thought I would use the bake time for the cornbread to sit down and write.

After Michele and I sent the two emails on December 5. We received the following email back from Jack. I will caution you about several things. I'm only going to edit people's names and any identifiable reference, otherwise, everything else is exactly the way Jack wrote it. Please don't read it if you are easily offended. If you are offended, please take it out on a sex offender and not me.

We received this response somewhere around Dec. 6 or 7.
Hi, Michele. I will do my best to answer your questions, plus a couple that Janet asked me in another mail and requested that I answer to you.

I will definitely do my best. Obviously, this is deeply on my mind, and I will be thinking a lot about it while I am in the Philippines. It is possible that I really have forgotten an incident, but I don't think so. I will add anything that I remember after I get back from the Philippines. True, I did not list everybody in my first responses to you and Janet. I was still at the self-defense, panic stage. I was not yet willing to accept my guilt...which I had managed to put into the back of my mind and hope it would just go away. Much has happened within me in the last three weeks, and I am ready to face it, as I did with my wife two days ago.

1. My first encounter was with XXX in the late 60's., It was in the summer between her junior and senior year in high school, and it was before I was given my Miyake house. We had another house in Tsubota, where 8 high school seniors (recent juniors) (4 boys and 4 girls) acted as teaching assistants to the local English teachers at the three middle schools and one high school on Miyake. I don't remember how it started. The first affectionate encounter I remember was when she gave me a massage one evening during the program. I was attracted to her, and I felt a real affection for her. She came back later in the summer, and it was then, that we had our first sex. We went for a walk to the rocky shore below Tsubota and she masturbated me. I don't remember for sure, but I think I kissed her breasts. I did many times later, because our relationship became deep during her senior year. There was no sexual intercourse but once we put ketchup on each others private parts and licked it off. Much of our relationship was in several visits to the hotel Okura, and lasted about 2 hours. We planned to get married. My former wife had left me and I decided to file for a divorce. She came back, and XXX and I announced to her our decision to get married. XXX went off to college, promising to come back, but, of course, her interests and perspective changed in college and she never came back...but she sent both of her kids to the ASIJ Miyake Program, obviously not expecting me to harm them. She was 17 when the relationship started, and 18 or possibly 19 when it ended.

2. I do not remember her name. I have tried hard. She came to Miyake for a visit with her friends (two of whom he named - can't remember her name but could remember her friends name?) I slept next to her, and I kissed her several times on the lips before we went to sleep on two of the three nights they were there. It was the year that I was given my Miyake house. It was during the rainy season, so it must have been just after school got out. She was a 7th grader, so she was probably 12.

3. XXX I had become attracted to her when she was in 7th grade. My first abuse of XXX was at Miyake during the summer of her 7th grade year. I used to rub and kiss her legs and feet...I slept at the foot of her futon. Once I looked at, but did not touch, her breast. I was too selfish and stupid at the time to know it, but I really, really upset her and hurt her. She told me in two letters some years later how deeply it hurt her. I do not know where she is now. I remember late 60's early 70's as the period this took place.

4. XXX. At the same time as above. The story is almost identical. I fondled and kissed her legs and feet. I later massaged her buttocks, but nothing else. I really had a crush on her, and after she moved (in 8th grade), I wrote to her EVERY day. I visited her at her knew location. It was she who told me that my mother had died (she did not know it was suicide). She also told me to stop writing letters because her sister was "getting suspicious". She threw all of my letters into a culvert during a heavy rainstorm. We never were in contact again after my visit.

5. XXX. I was first attracted to her during the very first Miyake Program. She came back for the summer, when her family traveled around the world. She slept in her bikini, and I used to kiss her all over her body (but never on her genitals, which I never saw). Again, I really had a crush on her. She returned to Miyake until she moved back to the states. I cried as I watched her plane getting smaller in the distance when she left Miyake-jima for the last time.

6. XXX I first met XXX during the Miyake Program at the end of her 7th grade year, I believe. She says that she was 11, I assumed she was 12 because most 7th graders are. Obviously, both 11 and 12 are under 17. It started when she asked if she could steer the car. I let her sit on my lap and steer. She was wearing a T-shirt and no bra. I reached under the T-shirt and fondled her breasts. We did this many times. XXX came to Miyake many times. I remember nothing sexually that happened at night or in bed, but I do clearly remember the fondling of her breasts in the car.

7. XXX It began when she was in grade 8. She was living in a missionary dorm. We would walk my dogs together each morning. She came to my house and knocked on the door. One morning, I wasn't fully dressed when I let her in. I had become attached to her and I suppose I had hugged her previously. At any rate, on this morning, she masturbated me, and it became a daily affair. I would not lock the door. She would just come in in the morning, crawl in bed with me, and masturbate me. I can't remember if oral sex was involved at that time, but I am sure that I must have kissed her breasts. Later, we had very intense oral sex, leading to orgasms for both of us. XXX took a trip to the Yaeyama Islands with me and spent several summers at Miyake, during my lab days (when I was doing my most significant research). Later she moved into my house near ASIJ, and we had periodic sex. Janet asked more details about our recent contact. I had written to XXX in the 1980s and asked her to come and join me. I wanted a permanent relationship with her. But, obviously, she had a child, with school needs, and I had no income and lived on Miyake. It was not in the cards. I met my wife a couple of years later, and my life changed magnificently! Later, XXX called me on the phone and asked me about my pedophile tendencies. I denied them and I probably told her that she was the only one. I was very scared and put up a self-defense shield (much like my first reactions to both of you). I apologized, but I never asked her (until a few days ago) to tell her side of the story. Once, I really hurt her. It was the last time we slept together. I was feeling very sad already, because XXX (who has subsequently passed away) was leaving Miyake. She was married and had been living on Miyake for some time. I was "father of the bride" at their wedding. My relationship with her was clean and totally adult and nonsexual. After intercourse with XXX, I was feeling sad about XXX departure the next day, and I also mentioned that I was feeling sad about XXX departure. This really hurt XXX! I will never forget it! I had no intention of hurting her, and I never should have mentioned my sadness over the departure of another woman (a superb friend, but not a sexual or romantic partner). I suppose this is one of the wounds that I left on XXX. I have asked for XXX story, and I wonder if this particular episode will come up. Last year I sent her a Christmas card. She didn't answer it. On several occasions we had sexual intercourse. The relationship began in early 70's.

8. XXX Late 70's? In her 8th grade year. We were walking my dogs on the golf course. I held her hand. She said, "I know what you want. Let's go back." We went to my house. We both stripped and we embraced for a long time, but we did not fondle or kiss or touch each other, other than the hugging embrace. I remember saying, "Thank God for you."

9. XXX Grade 8, so 13? In the mid- to late 70s. I had coached her basketball team and she had been to Miyake. It was on a field trip to Miyake, but the boat got canceled and we went to the southern Miura Peninsula instead. I slept next to her, hugged her, kissed her, fondled her breasts and even touched her vagina. I had a special liking for her for a long time before that. We never had another encounter,
but she wrote a wonderful letter about me to XXX at the time of the volcano. I suppose she did not understand that I had abused other girls, too.

10. XXX was in high school...late 70's. We had become friends walking my dogs in Tokyo, and I first molested her by fondling her legs and feet. I think she was about 15 at the time. She was older when I did the worst thing to her. We went to Miyake together, and I pressured her into undressing. She protested, but at night we slept side by side, and she masturbated me and I had oral sex with her. I recall no episode when she was 9 years old. Maybe she meant 9th grade. I seriously recall no episode other than those I have told you about. She was under 18 however, in all of our encounters. There were several times when she came to my house after school and I fondled her legs. In my memory, it was after 7th grade, which would have made her older than what you have told me.

11. XXX was my last pedophilic encounter. It happened on a trip to Miyake. I got drunk, which in itself is enough to get me fired from ASIJ. I undressed her and had oral sex with her. She would not touch me and seemed scared. I felt very guilty afterward, and perhaps she was one of the key reasons I swore to myself to change my life. She was in grade 8, I think... maybe as late as early to mid 80's. She wrote me once after she returned to the states a couple of years later. It was a friendly letter. I have no idea what has happened since.

12. XXX...late 70's early 80's. She came to me to ask for help. She had been sexually approached by a high school kid...I don't remember his name. I had a high profile scientist guest at the time, and listened to XXX story outside. We developed a strong bond, starting at that time and continuing when she was having problems at ASIJ. I helped her out and she and her family were very grateful to me. This was the last and the most painful of my relationships with anyone, kids to adults, until I met and married my wife...which was the best thing that has ever happened to me. I did not mention it before, because we had promised each other not to ever tell anyone.

It took about two years before my wife and my pair bond was solid and wonderful. I hated myself and she hated herself. That is not a good combination. But, we healed each other to a large extent...that's another story.

I found my wife. I said earlier in an email that she had truly saved me, and I honestly believe that. There are others towards whom I was attracted, but whom I never abused: XXX - Age 12. I gave her one of the gifts that XXX gave me, with XXX's permission, of course. XXX 13, I touched her legs and feet. Is that abuse? I guess it is. It was at Miyake and I had been giving her diving lessons. XXX, I admired her courage, both as a scuba diver (she was scared of deep water) and as a gymnast. I liked her. I never abused her. XXX (first met at Miyake, when she was 12. She is still my good friend and I sometimes see her. I never abused her in any way. She has become a good marine biologist.

Also friends, in Michele's era XXX, XXX, and XXX I never abused them, but I liked them a lot. XXX and XXX came to visit me several years ago at Miyake. Both were married to criminal lawyers and had families. XXX was considering going back to college to study marine biology. She wrote me a letter later on.

I honestly think that that about covers it. I am thinking about this almost
all of the time. If other things come back to me during my Philippine
trip, I will relate them to you. I am sincerely trying to let it all out. I
had feelings after each of these encounters. I will relate them to you
if you want me to...but they are about me, and not about my victims.
I hope this is a satisfactory beginning. This is frightening, because
people actually do forget. I am really trying to face this and be totally
honest.   Jack

Day Fifty-seven

I'm sorry it's taking me so long to get back to the computer. Of course, football is still consuming our lives. Wil's team made it to the State Playoffs. They won the first two games so that has pretty much determined what we are doing for Thanksgiving. He has practice on Thanksgiving morning so we're staying in BR and Daddy and Chuck's mom are coming here. We should have some fun!!

As I mentioned before, Michele was looking at creating a website that would have exposed Jack publicly. She went ahead and set up a domain name which was: www.stop-JackTMoyer.com. As I'm reminded about all of this and re-reading the emails that went back and forth between Michele and my oldest brother about setting up a website and other stuff, I remember the feeling of fear I had during this time. I know previously I shared my feelings of fear. Now that I look back on that, I think my fear was more for him and his reaction than it was for my own exposure. Remember that I shared with my counselor friend that I was most scared that Jack would commit suicide. I don't really know for sure what I wanted to gain from all this and I guess to some degree I believed him. But, not being certain I had to make sure other children wouldn't suffer through what  others and I had suffered. But, even so still my concern was for his well being. That's just weird.

In one of the articles about Jaycee Dugard, the young woman who was held captive by her abuser for 18 years, a therapist describes how the victim often begins relating to the abuser. This is more common than you think, even having been named by the psychiatrist and criminologist from the case in Stockholm where bank robbers held bank employees hostage for 6 days and the victims became attached emotionally to the bank robbers and defended them after they were freed - thus the name Stockholm Syndrome.

From the Jaycee Dugard Article:
Kryder, who has worked extensively with trauma victims in her Colorado Springs practice, says that over the years, Jaycee was very probably subjected to “intermittent reinforcement.” In such cases, Kryder stated, “the captor alternates between being cruel and kind.” This behavior, Kryder says, has a stronger effect on the victim than if the captor was always kind or always cruel. And it leads, she says, to a condition known as “traumatic bonding.” In other words, despite her horrific mistreatment, Jaycee still has (as she herself told her family) positive feelings toward her captor.

That also explains how, even though I had been sexually abused for three years, even after Michele helped me, when I returned to Tokyo after our year long furlough, I immediately went to find Jack at Tokyo Bay. And why his dismissal of me was so deflating.

Okay, now back to the sequential emails. After my angry response to Michele regarding Jack's email to her, she wrote me back later on Dec. 3.

Dear Janet,

Good response. I like the way you find things that I miss. It's almost too much to absorb, isn't it. It's part of my denial still. I am going to use some of these points when I get around to composing a letter to Jack.

I have tried calling his wife at all hours. Her maid answers. I called at 8am. I called at 9pm. I called midday for her. My last call the maid gave me her cell phone. I couldn't get through from here. The maid either lives in, or was left all afternoon with the kids. Something is not right.

Hey Janet, this woman has a cell phone and a maid. This is what Jack calls poverty? I think not. I have found it takes a while to get a response, if we are lucky enough to get one at all. _______ was proof of that. I never thought I would hear from her, but I guess it's just such a shock.

This is just a thought. Would you consider addressing Jack directly with your thoughts? Or do you not want to re-open Pandora's box. I will make these points when I write him. It will take me a few days. There is just so much to deal with. And, I want to talk to his wife next.

Michele

My response to Michele:

Yea, I found it very interesting that they have a maid and a cell phone. I also have a cell phone, but most certainly don't have a MAID.

I like the fact that Jack thinks he's going behind my back when he's speaking with you. It seems to give him justification in presenting his side as reasonable. It appears interesting to me that he thinks he's got you on his side. I just wonder if maybe we (together) wrote the response, but you came at it as if you were trying to help me understand him and that you are like the mediator. That way he can say the things against me to make you more understand him and we'll get more truth out of it. What do you think? Janet

Michele's reply:

You are right. Playing good cop bad cop always works. Why don't you start by writing a response and send it to me. Then I can add to it. But remember, I still want to (1) talk to his wife (2) get his list of victims and (3) get a list of schools he teaches at. Michele

Keep in mind that during this time we are still being contacted by former students from ASIJ. Do you remember the girl I told you about who actually lived with Jack at his house when she was a sophomore in high school? She told Michele and me that when she confronted Jack about her abuse, he told her she was the only young person with whom he had a relationship. I assume she asked him if she was the only one or were there others.

After the previous emails I was really mad at Jack. He wasn't being straight with us (what did we expect). We were working with a counseling group in Japan called TELL (Tokyo English Life Line), which had been set up during the 70's to provide a crisis hotline for English speaking people in Japan. They were willing to help us verify that Jack was doing what we asked him to do. Also, we were able to check out his story about his counseling sessions with the psychologist he was claiming to use.

On December 5 I sent Jack the following email:

I have been reading your correspondence back and forth to Michele. This is growing very tiresome and making me very weary. To say the least, it's taking a tremendous amount of energy away from my children and family.

Believe it or not, Michele and I do not have a vindictive vendetta and are not "out to get you", much to your disappointment, I'm sure. This is not about you anymore. It's about protecting children from you.

You tell us that you are not abusing children anymore and haven't for 20 years. You want us to take your word. Your word is about as worthless as the email being sent. According to xxx, you lied to her last year and told her that she was the only person you sexually abused. Imagine her amazement when we talked and I told her she was one of many.

You have yet to identify all your victims. I know of at least three people you didn't name. Do you remember them?

It's obvious to me that we cannot convince you that you are and always will be dangerous to children. You have asked, "what can I do to prove it to you?" I have come up with some tangible ways that you can prove to us that you are no longer a threat to children. Michele and I are not responsible to come up with ways you can prove to us, you must take responsibility for that. We have already suffered 30 or more years of this. I'm ready for it to be over and quickly!!

1. Contact ASIJ and admit your abuse to their students, identify them and give them details. In addition, talk with them about any consequences or actions they might like to take.

2. Contact TELL, the agency in Japan that works with children and others who have psychological issues and communicate with them and come up with a plan that will convince Michele and me that you are no longer working with children.

3. Inform all the organizations you are working with about your past behavior. Come up with a plan that would prove to Michele and me that you have done this. Maybe they can communicate to someone at TELL or another agreeable source.

4. Tell your wife the truth about the ages of your abuse victims. Have her contact us to let us know that you have done so.

6. Stay in psychological care until the day you die and have a plan that communicates your progress to an acceptable mediator that can communicate with us from time to time your progress.

7. Register your name with the Child Sexual Offender registry. If there is no such registry in Japan, find another acceptable substitute for us.

At the same time, Michele sent Jack this email below. My next post will be his response. You will find it UNBELIEVABLE!!

Dear Jack,

I spoke to your wife. That part of the mission is accomplished. The following is our next step. Please answer all these questions. Jack, I'm going to caution you that if give us any more pat answers I am not going to tolerate it. We have caught you lying several times already. We have a list of victims, and if you miss one, we will not accept "forgot" as any excuse. It should be thorough, and it better include them all. If you don't remember a name, say so, but indicate an age, time and what happened. Remember the definition "under 18."

Michele

On December 8 I wrote the following:

Jack,

I will write my story while you are gone to the Philippines. While you are gone I want you to be thinking about some things.  

However, before you leave I'd like you to answer these questions and send them to Michele. I hesitate to get back into a dialogue with you that's why I don't want  you to send me the answers.  

1.  What about xxxx?
2.  Tell me how you were in communications with xxx last year and what you told her.  There are some conflicting statements and I'm having a difficult time "taking your word" because of them. 
3.  While you are gone I'd really like for you to think about your victims.  There are several you have't named.  I want a more complete list.  Make sure you include everyone who falls under the following categories:

The definition of a victim quoted from the book "Child Abuse and Neglect."  Dr. Carol C. Nadelson, Author.  "Child sexual abuse is any sexual behavior directed toward a child or adolescent under 18 by a person who has power over that youth.  Sexual abuse that involves physical contact could entail fondling the child's genitals, getting the child to fondle the offenders genitals, rubbing the offenders genitals on the child, engaging in oral sex, or making anal or vaginal penetration."  THIS CONSTITUTES ABUSE WHETHER OR NOT IT IS CONSENSUAL!  A CHILD IS NOT ABLE TO HAVE CONSENSUAL SEX WITH AN ADULT!  I'm going to add a little more I believe she neglected.  
Any person who you approached but didn't actually engage would fall under a lessor but some form of abuse.  This includes, but is not limited to, climbing into bed with them regardless of what you did once there.  If you wouldn't do it in front of another adult assume it was abuse.  Even verbal propositioning....
4.  You have stated multiple times that the children you molested were in the 70's era.  If this is so what caused you to stop?  What happened in 84 for you to leave ASIJ?  Please give us extensive details of all of this.  

This is an extremely difficult but necessary process.  Believe me when I say this, it is not a delight to Michele or me.  We would much rather be spending our time doing thousands of other things, however, until we feel we have accomplished our goal of making sure no other child is a potential victim, we will continue.  Trust is a funny thing.  It takes years to build but only one second to tear down. We've only been in touch with you for three weeks.  Trust takes years.  

Please send your response to Michele and I will get back with you after you return.  Janet

Stay tuned to his response.

Day Fifty-six

After Jack's email to Michele, I was very angry. I couldn't believe he actually turned the responsibility on me. On December 3 at 6:26 a.m. I wrote:

Michele,

I'm responding to this letter Jack wrote you. It was good for me to read it as I am currently angry about his response. My response to his points:

1. I never said "I do not presume to know your heart"... and then say he was still molesting children. My letter stated, "I do not presume to know your heart, but, I do know from my own experiences my responses to God when my heart is broken and contrite." I guess he just dropped off the last part of that sentence. In fact, the only place in that letter that I said anything about his current possible abuse of children is on Question # 13. "You say you don’t work with children, yet many pictures on the web sites show your involvement with children directly in the ocean or in the programs you say other teachers are leading. How can you prove to me that you are not involved with children any where? Why can’t your “schools” exist without your physical involvement? Your word is tremendously lacking in credibility, how can I be certain that you are not currently molesting any child, including your own children?"

And then at the end of the letter. "I am not convinced by your words, however, that you have proven to me, without any doubt, that no other child will be a victim in your hands. It is not my responsibility to prove that. That burden of proof falls in your hands."

UNFAIR? UNFAIR?

Does he even know the definition of unfair?

MAKING ASSUMPTIONS? It's because nobody made any assumptions before that this abuse was allowed to happen for so long.

2. Doesn't live in the American community only Japanese. So I presume that it's o.k. to sexually molest Japanese girls, as long as they aren't America. What does living in the Japanese community have to do with any of this?

3. If 95% of his programs are for adults, then how come the only ones we can find on the web pertain to children?

4. Why did N. Sensei and him part ways? No explaination.

5. 32 degrees celsius? What's that have to do with this? And to think he needed to share with you that he doesn't think in "farenheit" anymore??? Who CARES.

6. If he has a heart attack because of all this stress, will he blame that on us?

7. His debt has increased from $40,000 just last week to $90,000 this week. HELLO!!! Why doesn't he just sell his BEACH house. I don't have a BEACH house.

8. ETC. I wonder how many of his victims would appreciate being refered to as ETC.

9. Janet wants proof. WHAT DOES HE EXPECT? I guess since nobody has done anything for 30 years, he just wants 30 years more of peace.

10. Of course his wife doesn't see their relationship as abuse. Neither do thousands of other women who either are married to pedophilias or sexual abusers. She also doesn't want to lose the life style she's been living in ( I can't blame her).

11. He still doesn't understand what restitution means. Why don't you ask him to write a paper on the term "restitution" and research victims of child abuse and the suffering they go through. Why doesn't he search out what we need and come up with a good solution?

This letter was good for me to read because it just made me angry. Hopefully, I can proceed with a clearer head now. My friend who is my confidant has agreed to meet with me as much as I need to so I may also resort to that. My time this week is limited so I'm trying to be as mindful of that as possible.

Day Fifty-six

While we were going back and forth with this correspondence with Jack, Michele was in the process of developing a website which would have exposed Jack to the world. She set out very carefully and diligently planning and preparing for it to be published. I must admit, this was very scary to me. I wasn't sure I wanted her to do that and we shared our concerns, fears, anxiety etc. about it. In the same way, sending a letter to the parents of ASIJ students, I'm not sure what felt bad about it except that I guess I felt exposed with that kind of public display. Sometimes, when you go through this stuff you feel like you are being violated all over again and I suppose that's how it felt.

The other night I had a dream and Jack and his wife were in it. We were at some kind of function, outdoors, and I was attempting to avoid him. He kept on calling my name, asking me why I was avoiding him. I continued to bypass, sidestep, ignore, and avoid him and in my dream he was very confident and wasn't reacting very timid or puppy dogish (for those of you who knew him - you would understand the puppy dog comment.) In my dream I never looked directly at him. I kept thinking, doesn't he know what he's done? I guess that makes sense based on the emails I'm rereading now. He didn't get it did he? Even though he admitted to the abuse, he really didn't believe it was abuse. To him it was just a innocent relationship. Wow! What a convoluted mind.

I would like to continue writing but my husband took our laptop to work and it has all my emails and files on it so I can't continue until he brings it home. So for now...... I hope you all have a wonderful and productive day.

God be with you......

Day Fifty-five - Response

On Tuesday, December 2, 2003 Jack responded to Michele's email.

Hi, again, Michele...I received a mail from Janet saying that she does not want to have direct communication with me, so I will not re-answer her questions, unless you would like me to do so and send them to you. I answered them quickly the last time, responding in a kind of panic to Janet's angry letter. Believe me when I say that I understand her anger. I searched thoroughly last night for the addresses you requested. Please understand that I am living in a small, ancient apartment in the Akabane area of Tokyo, evacuated from Miyake, which is still erupting and unlivable. I have little space and live in a six mat room. I was unable to find one address...it has been 2-3 years since we communicated. For the other, I wrote her a Christmas letter last year, but I cannot find her address. I have a broken computer that does not send or receive mail anymore, but I was able to retrieve her e-mail on the screen. It is as follows: ________________ I assume she still uses that address. This computer is in the office at OWS, an NPO of which I act as president (Oceanic Wildlife Society).

I forgot to say that, yes, you have my permission to contact anyone I mentioned. I ask you to please, however, refrain from doing what Janet is doing; i.e. presuming me guilty before innocent, which is not, in my opinion, fair. To say, "I do not presume to know your heart", and then to say that I am still abusing children is unfair. Janet should not make assumptions based on her own very unfortunate experiences of 30 years ago. I have taken responsibility for my actions of the 1970s by doing everything possible to make myself of value to society. I do not live in the kind of bi-cultural community the ASIJ people (you and Janet, for example) know. I have absolutely no American friends or contacts (except one editor of the Japan Times, when I write an article for them), and I go weeks without speaking English except during my evening telephone calls (every evening) to my wife. I have done well in Japanese society. My programs are in environmental awareness, and 95% of them are for adults. The ones for kids are in summer, and all, except for 2, are run by local governments, school boards, etc. I am "honorary principal", making a welcoming address, a lecture, and a final statement about the program in front of the kids, but not taking part in the actual program. The two other programs are descendants of a program I started in 1987 for Japanese kids, in cooperation with Dr. K. Nakamura, then of Waseda University. It was a heavy environmental program, designed to produce scientists. Nakamura Sensei and I went our separate ways because I felt that the environment and the problems facing the environment were everybody's responsibility, regardless of academic capacity of the students. I teamed with Y. Unno, a former junior college teacher, and we continued the schools, but after my heart attack in 1997, I discontinued teaching. Our group "Ocean Family" is made up almost exclusively of adults, but our summer schools are for kids grade 5-12. Again, I make the opening speech and one or two other short talks on the reef environment and lead the final evening Wrap-up. I have only been in the water 3 times in the past two years, all for posed photographs for our publicity. My name attracts participants and so programs that use me want my photos with kids. Honestly, I have only been in the water with kids 3 times in the past two years...and only very rarely otherwise, for a TV show or a commercial.

I never sleep in the same room with anybody during any of my programs...kids or staff. My heart attack in 1997 caused an irregular heartbeat that gets serious when (1) I don't get enough sleep, (2) the temperature gets above 32 degrees Celsius (I don't think in Fahrenheit anymore), (3) when I am under immense stress (such as over the past few days). I have private rooms in hotels or minshukus (hostels) near the location of the school or, in one case, in an isolated room in the same building. The photos on internet that Janet mentioned where, in absolute truth, posed. I am definitely not the Jack you knew in the 1970s. I have done my best to be a productive, good citizen, and I have succeeded. I have had deep psychological problems over the past year, leading me to visit a psychologist. The Miyake volcano caused a $50,000 per year drop in my income. Before the eruption, I spent 6 months with my family in the Philippines, and six months at the Miyake-jima Nature Center at Miyake. The eruption changed that. Now, I rarely get to visit my beloved family. Our evening telephone conversations only give me the relief that they are safe, but my loneliness is immense, my economic problems are immense (in addition to the $40,000 debt my wife has run up by signing for supplies, etc., to repair the house (which was badly damaged by termites in 2001), I have run up a $90,000 debt, borrowing from various trusted Japanese friends to cover the rebuilding plan and the beach house.. My immense loneliness plus my anguish over large debts and decreased job offers, due to Japan's failing economy, have led me to seek psychological help again. My references to suicide are not, as Janet presumed, threats to make people feel guilty or to pity me, but, rather, sincere concerns about the suicide history in my family and my sometimes absolutely hopeless feelings about the future. As I said in one of my letters, I only want to be able to be with my family and die with my family nearby. That is not happening now, and it is getting increasingly economically difficult to image how it is going to happen.

I have greatly hurt people...Janet, xxxx, xxxxxx, etc. What can I do? You don't think I should contact them directly at this time. All I really can do is do what I have been doing for the past 20 years...lead a good life, be a positive, constructive and respected member of the community. I have been doing that (see the Marquis Who's Who in the World every year since 1999). I have written 25 books, all in Japanese, I have produced one CD (Victor Entertainment, Japan), with songs I wrote, especially a lullaby for my daughter.

I do not know what to do to take away the pain I have caused people. I can only do what I can, and what I have been doing to make up for it by doing my best to live a good life (as I have said above). Of course, I feel pain when I think bout the pain I caused kids I really liked. How do I show that? How to I prove it? Janet wants proof. This crisis has led me to seek psychological help again. Incidentally, my December 10 meeting with Dr. Y has been moved up to December 5.

Incidentally,my wife's date of birth was November 14, 1964. She is almost as old as Janet, and was 22 when we were married. It really hurt when Janet said I abused her...I asked my wife, and she got furious. As I said before, she is the deepest love I have even known, and we share it. She does not see my love and my deep care for our family as "abuse". Neither do I.

I am very, very, very sorry about all of this, Michele. I should have, obviously, not tried to run away from it, like I did in the 1980s, only coming back to face it as a result of Janet's letter. I should have faced it years ago, but I did not. I am sorry. But, anyone who knows the Jack of the 1990s and early 21st Century knows that I am no threat to any segment of society as I am today. In addition to apologizing sincerely and painfully, and in leading a good, respectable life (as I have done for 20 years), the only other thing I can do is be as honest and as open as possible with you. I am doing that, and I will continue to do that. Jack

Day Fifty-four - Live Life to its Fullest?

If you care to bear with me while I write a little about my ramblings I'm going to digress into some basic thoughts about things. If you want to skip this, please do.

The other day I was thinking about several things. One was the often heard phrase or sentiment, "Live life to its fullest!"

For several days before this, I was grappling with the verse from the Bible, "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God."
1 Corinthians 10:31.

Now, I know some of you who are reading this don't share the same beliefs as I do, however, thank you for bearing with me through this. Just for this reading, start with the supposition that there really is a God. And this God is all loving, all knowing, creator of the universe, gracious, merciful and just, perfect in every way. Hopefully, now you can see how I am looking at these two statements.

So, I was thinking about living life to its fullest while sitting in my living room listening to my now 17 year old playing the guitar he got for his birthday. Shortly after, my 14 year old came in and began playing the keyboard. Then the dog came in and started harassing the cat (now you can sort of see how my household is - my sisters can vouch for this!!). I was just sitting on the couch with a glass of wine, trying to enjoy the moment (living life to the fullest!!) but as I started contemplating this, I began seeing a problem with this sentiment. If we all are living life to its fullest, but while doing so, have no consideration of those around us then because of our own goal of living life to the fullest, we may be robbing another person of their joy.

Take my cat, Blair, who was just sitting there minding her own business - enjoying our presence. Well, her peace and solitude was completely interrupted by my little dog, Polly was doing what she wanted to by barking and lunging at Blair. Polly's actions of doing what came most naturally to her completely disrupted the peace and tranquility of Blair. In the same way, when my 14 year old came in to play the piano while my 17 year old was playing the guitar, he interrupted the goal that my 17 year old had of wanting to play his new guitar while we were listening to him. Do you see where I'm going with this?

I started comparing that to the verse, "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all to the glory of God." Supposing that there is a God, if our our behavior is constantly being filter through this, what would that look like? Rather than our "living life to its fullest" no matter the consequences to us or others, if we do everything to the glory of God, then our actions and life would be completely different. I wouldn't respond to my husband or children with frustration but with love and respect. I wouldn't cut people off while I'm driving and would be kinder to people who I don't like. I would love continuously even when I don't want to. Really - isn't this what we all desire?

I have really been trying to concentrate on this verse and try to do this. Do you know, it's really hard!! In fact, it's impossible!! Lots of time I don't remember I'm concentrating on that verse. I don't even think about God. I think someone called that selective atheism or something like that.

As I write about our journey I see that while Jack was, "living life to the fullest", children were being abused. I also see in some of my communications and actions later, I didn't concentrate on the verse, "do it all to the glory of God." This puts us all in the same dilemma. None of us are able act, do, perform, serve, behave, or think in the way God desires us to. So, what do we do about that?

For me, that places me firmly on the level ground in front of the cross - for God sent his provision (himself- his son) to bear the burden of my failures. Thanks be to God.

I really am thankful that you were willing to read this. :)

Day Fifty-four - New Communication to Jack

So, sometime between Thanksgiving and the first of December Michelle sent Jack an email. This is what it said.

Janet and I have both been investigating your history of inappropriate behavior with children for some time now.

We very much appreciate the candidness in your past letters as well as your willingness to communicate with us. We strongly recommend maintaining this level of honesty and cooperation with us. Happily, it sounds like you are willing to do this. We really want to resolve this matter with as little collateral damage as possible. However, we need more information. We have both read your letters, and need to do a little more investigating before we respond to you. I sincerely promise we won't do anything that would hurt or embarrass your wife and children. But your honesty is key here, I hope you can appreciate that.

For starters, we really don't think it would be wise for you to contact any of your old victims directly. Our experience with those we have encountered so far is that they would only suffer further violation and pain to hear from you out of the blue. We sincerely appreciate your desire to make direct and immediate amends, but trust us to handle this from the perspective of the violated child. Let us do that for you. We can provide a much safer shield for everyone all around while maintaining privacy and discretion. If someone wants to communicate directly with you, we will be more happy to set it up as we know how healing this can be.

In your letters, you have encouraged us to check some if these facts out on our own, so if you don't mind, we'd like to take you up on that. Your wife left a phone number with Janet that was written down incorrectly. Could you please email me the correct one. I would like to speak to her myself. I will be as courteous to her as Janet was.

Also, I want the last two known addresses of both XXX and XXX. We want to contact them too. I look forward to hearing from you soon.


Michele Connor
Victim Advocate/Miyake Survivors Group

(I never knew until I just re-read this email that Michele had signed it with the "Victim Advocate/Miyake Survivors Group. I find that really kind of funny actually. )

Day Fifty-three

I started to write last night but was so tired I was falling asleep at the computer. I don't know if I mentioned this or not but after I was able to decrypt three of the five files Michele sent. It is taking an enormous amount of time reading through them. For example, the first file is 66 pages. The second is 144 pages and the third is 156 pages. So, between and full time job, a full time wife and mother and football, I don't have much discretionary time to filter through all of the correspondence. However!! This morning I discovered several messages that fit the time line of late November and early December.

Just wanted to recap and remind you (and me) of somethings. Some ( a lot) of our correspondence was done verbally via telephone or in person. So, I'm having a hard enough time remembering my name much less a conversation I had with someone 6 years ago. I'm not sure that we have all the written correspondence associated with our endeavors, either. I am attempting to remember it as much the way it was as possible but there are more than likely discrepancies of time and of instances because of the lapse of time since 2003.

As I mentioned in a previous post, after I returned home from my parents from Thanksgiving and Jack had left a message on my answering service, it was evident that we needed to switch things up. At this point Michele took more of the initiative with Jack and I backed off waiting to hear from her. Here is her initial response to his first emails.

Dear Janet,
Thanks so much for sending the letters to me. I can see why this posed such a quandary to you. Its long, rambling, and its hard to reconcile some of the time frames that he mentions. Also, I can see how he pushes all emotional buttons. Its hard to remain indifferent to his suffering. He certainly trotted it all out, the psychological suffering, the poverty stricken wife, the huge loan overshadowing them, his old age, his heart attack, his suicide attempts, his loneliness, his hermetic lifestyle, his great love for his children, his great affection for US. I don't think he missed a single beat.

May I just throw out some thoughts that I have after reading it? Many you have mentioned already...but I just want to go over them...in a way, it helps desensitize me by doing this. He justifies his attraction to kids as a way of resolving his terrible, terrible, loneliness. He was never a "cold plotting predator", just a lonely, isolated guy with no-one else to turn to. The kids were just there. Can you blame him? He was all by himself on Miyake with nothing but the fish he was studying. He had a great affection for us kids. He really loved us! (I never saw him as a confused, messed up individual, did you? I thought he was pretty organized and friendly and got along well with people.)

He quit ASIJ in 1984 after he got his Doctoral Degree. How does that fit in with him "leaving in 2000"? Do you suppose he left and came back purely "off-campus"? Could something have happened in 1984 involving a child. I can't believe that ASIJ fired him in 2000 based on one letter, judging by their historical inactivity. I'm beginning to suspect other stuff happened. I really want to know who those other 2 were. Maybe he got caught two other times?

"I think my children should have roots, and they will live in the Philippines after I die, (many, many references to his death), so it is best they get a good education there." In justifying why they are there, and he is is Japan, this sentence makes absolutely no sense to me whatsoever. If anything, it has to be more expensive for him because he is maintaining two households. I think it has to do with his old wife. How does he explain us living in Tokyo, knowing we would end up in the US or another country after we graduated. Its totally hypocritical.

Don't go after me. If you do, you will only be hurting my children and my poverty stricken (extreme!), subsistence-level existing wife who has a huge $40,000 loan hanging over her head. I have only a limited, fixed income. I need my schools for the survival of my family. I live alone at the edge of poverty and send all the money I earn to help my wife and kids. Exposing me will destroy THEM not me. Remember for the first time in my life, I found peace and happiness with them. He lived alone while still working with the ASIJ Miyake program, because he had a heart attack, and needed his 8 hours of sleep, not because he couldn't be near children.

He is consultant, administrator and adviser to programs that work with children. But he does not live with children or interact with them by himself. He doesn't even know the kids names or remember their faces. I find this a tad difficult to imagine. Do you suppose he just remembers their bodies?

Just thoughts to throw into the air. Let me know when you hear from him. I will wait until you do. I have some other questions for him, mostly financial ones to start with. I'm sure he has a pension from the school. In the Philippines, a third world country, a small pension can go a very very long way. Most of San Miguel are retirees living like kings on their meager pensions.

One very good thing about these letters are, he does admit that he is/was a pedophile.

I sent an email to ASIJ today, to push them into some action. I have waited a month, I think its time for some answers about some programs. A friend is sending me a telephone directory with all the current students, names, addresses and telephone numbers. I told him I don't want to start contacting these parents on my own, I would rather do it with the blessing and in conjunction with, ASIJ. But it was a bit assertive.

I told him you heard from Jack and that Jack admitted to his pedophilia, nothing more. And that it doesn't let ASIJ off the hook in terms of their lack of responsiveness. This admission of his is a tremendous relief isn't it? I guess this is more than I ever expected.

Thanks and love,
Michele

Gotta run. School and work! I'll write more later.

Day Fifty-two - Child Slavery - Trafficing children

(I started this post earlier in the week but life and circumstances have gotten in the way of my posting anything yet. I'm not completely finished with this but I'm going to post what I have with the hopes that I can write tonight after Catholic High's Open House - for which I am volunteering.)

Last week I received an email from a MK friend who I just reconnected with during our SBMK reunion in October. She is my oldest brother's and sister's age so was at ASIJ during the late 60's. When she wrote the email she didn't realize that she was affirming for me exactly the response I had hoped for from someone who didn't or doesn't know me now. I don't plan to share the entire email as it's personal but I do want to share a few of the comments that mean a lot to me.
"I am glad I got to see you as an adult before learning so much about Jack's attacks on you, because I can see that despite his best efforts, he did not destroy you, and you are a beautiful woman, inside and out. I’m not sure what I would’ve pictured if I’d read your blog entries first. I probably would’ve tried to imagine what a mess I’d be if I’d been sexually abused for 3 years by an adult, not to mention a teacher I idealized, and then on top of that, felt I had to keep it all inside. The situation is so shocking that there are no words in the English language to describe it. I’ve been reading your blog since you told me about it and I’ve completely worn out the word “appalling” in my head. It’s come to mind so much that it’s lost its meaning and I need to come up with something stronger to replace it."
I also had lunch with a friend yesterday and she said, "I don't really know how to say this but as I'm reading your blog I see that you aren't wallowing in it." Again, I am very thankful for these kind of responses because as I've tried to express that I'm not seeking pity or even compassion. I've already dealt with the implications of this and have gone through that mess. This is just an attempt to share what this "mess" looks like from the inside.
So thank you friends (you know who you are) for supporting me with your encouraging words.
The other day my husband, oldest son and I stopped at a local chinese restaurant for lunch. As we were walking in a huge billboard above the restaurant posted, "Stop Child Slavery - Go to www.traffickinghope.org" Well, it might be good for you to visit that website. It is amazing how children are still being exploited in this day and age.
That's why when I read an email like the one Michele got from another ASIJ student I continue to be amazed.
Dear Michele,
During our first or second mini-reunion at your house with the girls, the subject of Jack's pedophilia came up. I was appalled and could only think about the children he was now coming in contact with. I did not ask you or the others for permission but when I got back home the first thing I did was call ASIJ.

I said it was an emergency and I received a call back from the headmaster. I recounted to him the tale of sexual abuse I had been made aware of. I had been reading about what a great program Jack was running at Miyake and could only feel fear for those children. Would you believe his (the headmaster's) reaction?

He did not in any way acknowledge Jack's activities, I don't know if he knew or not. All he said to me is "don't you know, he is happily married with children?" And all I could say to him is that "that's never stopped anyone before."

He also said that the Miyake children were always with many people and never alone with Jack anyway. To that, I responded that if that's what he thought of Jack, then Jack should not be with children. And then I heard nothing about it, not from him, the Board, nothing.

When was that Michele? 1996 or 1997?
Does that mean that the headmaster did nothing to tell the school that I had contacted him or confront Jack till 2003? 8 long years? I hope not but who knows.

I'm so glad you finally had the courage and conviction to confront him and the school.
Now, what to do about the headmaster if indeed he did nothing from when he talked with me untill 2003?
Much love, ( I deleted the name of the person who wrote the email.)

So again and again and again the school was told, given an opportunity to something and they did nothing!! Unbelievable.

I must run and get ready for work but will begin tonight to tackle December of 2003. As more and more communications came in from different people the list and number of those he abused continued to grow. Well beyond his own memory of those girls. That is another example of his narcissistic psychopathy that continued to prevail in his emails.

Sorry I've been so long in posting. I'll get back on track and hopefully get through this story before too long. As always, I love to hear feedback so keep on commenting as I go along. Stay posted!! Protect your children. Give to organizations who help protect children!!