So, are you feeling a little sympathetic? Compassionate? Are you feeling forgiveness? Excusing? He didn't really mean to hurt us. He really didn't mean to abuse us. He was just........really screwed up. He didn't know what to do with girls he liked. I know how you are feeling because I felt the same way. At this point I wasn't sure about anything. Earth to Janet........Ok, HE WAS FORTY YEARS OLD!!!!
Since when did eleven, twelve and thirteen year old children have to bear the burden of relieving the emotional pain of a forty year old? How many of you have excused the behavior of a serial killer because of the mental anguish they experienced as a child? How many of you were disgusted and outraged at Michael Vick when he was convicted of dog fighting? Do you not have the same outrage when a child is being molested by an adult? Oh, maybe the word molested isn't strong enough, what about f..ked? I use that graphic term because I don't think that people see it that way. They see innocent Uncle Dan who tried to put his hand under my shirt one time......... Or Aunt Bessie who just hugged me a little bit too long. They don't see a man who was esteemed, taking advantage of young vulnerable girls by luring them into his den and securing an emotional advantage over them.
You may feel more compassion for him as you read on. I hope you will be able to see the manipulation Jack used even till the end. One person asked me, "Do you think he was sincere?" Another asked, "Is this what you hoped for?"
I struggle with both of those questions. I struggled with his reply. I struggled with his sincerity. I didn't know if this was what I hoped for. I really wasn't sure about anything. I was still very scared and didn't know how to respond.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Day Forty-Five - Email in my Inbox
November 12, 2003 - Letter sent to Jack via ASIJ
Nine days after I sent the letter to Jack via ASIJ, I received an email in my mailbox. Since I didn't know how the response would come, or even if I would get a response, you can imagine the fear, anticipation, and apprehension I experienced while I stared at my inbox seeing a return address with his name on it. I didn't know what to expect. Sort of what you might be feeling right now.
Following is the email I received on Friday, November 21, 2003, one week before Thanksgiving.
Dear Janet,
Your letter arrived via the American School today. I have been more or less expecting it ever since 2000, and I suspected that you might be the one who had contacted ASIJ.j
I do take responsibility and I have, since the early 1980's taken responsibility for my inexcusable actions of the 1970's. I deeply, sorrowfully and shamefully apologize to you. You said that you often wonder if I even remember you. I remember with immense grief those trip with you steering the car while sitting on my lap. I remember you because, as in the cases of my other improper behavior, I really liked you. I was a very, very, very messed up, psychologically disturbed individual.....for a rather lengthy period after my divorce and mother's death.
In 1984, and again in 1985, I attempted to kill myself, nearly succeeding in 1985, after which I spent a period of time in a mental hospital in Santa Barbara. After I was released from the hospital, I sought help from a psychologist in Santa Barbara for a couple of months. I received considerable help from him, especially concerning my own self-image, which was an important first step in solving my problem with improper relationships with kids I especially liked.
I live alone, still working with the ASIJ Miyake program (but, as any and all participants will confirm, living in a totally separate house and not interacting with the kids by myself.)
My problem with kids was under control, but my loneliness was not. I married in 1987 to a wonderful Philippine woman from severe poverty. We have now been married 17 years. We have two precious children, and I am living a normal life, totally lacking any indecent interactions with children for more than 20 years. It is a terrible thing of my past.
You have told me that you have been in contact with several women who were abused by me. I would very much like to contact them and apologize for any misconduct I was engaged in. I have contacted two women myself.... since 2000.... and apologized. I have sought help and I am confident that I am of absolutely no danger to any child or anyone else.
Your information about me currently, "working with children", is only partly accurate. I am a consultant, administrator and adviser to ocean environmental programs that work with children. I often give lectures at schools and other children ocean education groups, but I do not live with the children or interact with the children by myself. The so called, "Mr. J Ocean Schools" use my name, and include people from age 60 to elementary school. My summer schools are run by a staff of good teachers, and I do not take part in the teaching except as I said, to lecture about the ocean. I do not even know the kids names or remember their faces. And I live in totally different accommodations.... not with the kids, as in the old ASIJ program.
I have only a limited fixed income and this current address in an NPO where I serve as president ( a non-profit organization with nothing to do with kids. ) I need my schools for the survival of my family. I live alone at the edge of poverty in Japan and send all the money I can earn to my wife to help build a future for her and our children. Her house and property have been largely completed with loans, and I am currently more than $40,000 in debt. I never had any desire to "make a living" in the Philippines, so everything is in my wife's name.
If I give up my work, if I go to jail, if I even am accused publicly of the crimes I committed in the 1970's, it is my wife and children who will suffer the most. My wife will be held responsible for the loans and could go to jail herself..... but it isn't her fault. I agreed to pay her loans to help her build the rest her life after I die. She and my kids need me now. I am certainly not happy, living alone, giving lectures on the ocean environment, and not even having enough money to enjoy and evening out. I don't want your pity. I want your understanding.
I made serious mistakes in the 1970's, since then I have been trying to live a life that people respect, and people in Japan do, in fact, respect me. Please, Janet, understand that I have dealt with the problem, and to a large extent, succeeded. Let me go on supporting my family through my education programs. I swear that no child is in any danger from me!
I request your help. I want to know how to contact the women you mentioned. I will sincerely and deeply apologize to them for my past behavior. But, believe me, Janet, please, please believe me. That is in my past. I am still living with it, and since the discussion with two ASIJ administrators in 2000, I have suffered again, deeply. Since April, I have been seeing a psychologist here in Japan, and it has helped...but I feel great guilt and shame for my behavior during the 1970's.
Concerning your request that I come forward and seek help.... I have and am currently undergoing help, and will continue to do so. I do not have a problem with pedophilia at this stage of my life. I have a problem with who I am...my own self image...and with guilt over what I did in the 1970's. Secondly, I will contact everybody I can contact who has had an improper relationship with me and apologize....sincerely, I would appreciate your help by supplying addresses, etc. I will send you copies of the letters.
But, I beg you to allow me to continue my educational work. I swear in front of Jesus that I do not have direct contact alone with kids and am absolutely no threat to anyone. Also, I swear again in from of Jesus that, through many years of grief and guilt, with the help of three different psychologists (two in California, one in Japan), I have come to understand the problem I had and to defeat it. But, I need the education work to save my wife and family. She is the one legally responsible for the loans in the Philippines, but she has no education, no income and in no way can pay the debts. I need the work to get my family safe and sound before I die (and I am 74, so I am running out of time.) Please trust me.
You asked me to receive help to stop abusing children. I have not done anything improper with a child in more than 20 years, and I deeply regret what I did do, during a terrible psychologically disturbed period of my life.
Please forgive me, Janet, but please allow me to continue my work. I am never alone with kids, like I was in the 1970's, and I have no desire to be alone with them. I am mentally OK, in that respect, now. My problems now are to come to terms with myself and, as you suggest, with the people to whom I have caused suffering. I ask your help and understanding.
I will be going to the Philippines to spend Christmas with my family, leaving here on December 11th and returning on December 30th. I beg you to trust me and recognize that I am no longer a threat to anybody. Please allow me to continue my work, or I cannot support my family. What I did in the past is not their fault. Please let me continue to make a living. No children are in any danger whatsoever from me at this stage of my life, and none have been since the 1970's.
Please send me the list of people whom you mentioned. I will send you copies of the letters I write to them. You can contact me here at this e-mail, but other people have access to this computer. My home address is: _________________________ My telephone number is _______________, but I hate my life alone in that six mat room, so I am only home late at night. I stay in this office when I am not giving lectures. My schools are limited to the warm season...many of them are government organized and run. Janet.....please let me continue those schools....for the sake of my wife and kids. I am certainly not happy with my life as it is now, but I cannot let my family fall into poverty in the Philippines, Please Janet!!
Your letter was necessary, and I thank you for it. It is necessary to deal with this problem once and for all.
With my sincere apologies!
OWS Jack Moyer
Nine days after I sent the letter to Jack via ASIJ, I received an email in my mailbox. Since I didn't know how the response would come, or even if I would get a response, you can imagine the fear, anticipation, and apprehension I experienced while I stared at my inbox seeing a return address with his name on it. I didn't know what to expect. Sort of what you might be feeling right now.
Following is the email I received on Friday, November 21, 2003, one week before Thanksgiving.
Dear Janet,
Your letter arrived via the American School today. I have been more or less expecting it ever since 2000, and I suspected that you might be the one who had contacted ASIJ.j
I do take responsibility and I have, since the early 1980's taken responsibility for my inexcusable actions of the 1970's. I deeply, sorrowfully and shamefully apologize to you. You said that you often wonder if I even remember you. I remember with immense grief those trip with you steering the car while sitting on my lap. I remember you because, as in the cases of my other improper behavior, I really liked you. I was a very, very, very messed up, psychologically disturbed individual.....for a rather lengthy period after my divorce and mother's death.
In 1984, and again in 1985, I attempted to kill myself, nearly succeeding in 1985, after which I spent a period of time in a mental hospital in Santa Barbara. After I was released from the hospital, I sought help from a psychologist in Santa Barbara for a couple of months. I received considerable help from him, especially concerning my own self-image, which was an important first step in solving my problem with improper relationships with kids I especially liked.
I live alone, still working with the ASIJ Miyake program (but, as any and all participants will confirm, living in a totally separate house and not interacting with the kids by myself.)
My problem with kids was under control, but my loneliness was not. I married in 1987 to a wonderful Philippine woman from severe poverty. We have now been married 17 years. We have two precious children, and I am living a normal life, totally lacking any indecent interactions with children for more than 20 years. It is a terrible thing of my past.
You have told me that you have been in contact with several women who were abused by me. I would very much like to contact them and apologize for any misconduct I was engaged in. I have contacted two women myself.... since 2000.... and apologized. I have sought help and I am confident that I am of absolutely no danger to any child or anyone else.
Your information about me currently, "working with children", is only partly accurate. I am a consultant, administrator and adviser to ocean environmental programs that work with children. I often give lectures at schools and other children ocean education groups, but I do not live with the children or interact with the children by myself. The so called, "Mr. J Ocean Schools" use my name, and include people from age 60 to elementary school. My summer schools are run by a staff of good teachers, and I do not take part in the teaching except as I said, to lecture about the ocean. I do not even know the kids names or remember their faces. And I live in totally different accommodations.... not with the kids, as in the old ASIJ program.
I have only a limited fixed income and this current address in an NPO where I serve as president ( a non-profit organization with nothing to do with kids. ) I need my schools for the survival of my family. I live alone at the edge of poverty in Japan and send all the money I can earn to my wife to help build a future for her and our children. Her house and property have been largely completed with loans, and I am currently more than $40,000 in debt. I never had any desire to "make a living" in the Philippines, so everything is in my wife's name.
If I give up my work, if I go to jail, if I even am accused publicly of the crimes I committed in the 1970's, it is my wife and children who will suffer the most. My wife will be held responsible for the loans and could go to jail herself..... but it isn't her fault. I agreed to pay her loans to help her build the rest her life after I die. She and my kids need me now. I am certainly not happy, living alone, giving lectures on the ocean environment, and not even having enough money to enjoy and evening out. I don't want your pity. I want your understanding.
I made serious mistakes in the 1970's, since then I have been trying to live a life that people respect, and people in Japan do, in fact, respect me. Please, Janet, understand that I have dealt with the problem, and to a large extent, succeeded. Let me go on supporting my family through my education programs. I swear that no child is in any danger from me!
I request your help. I want to know how to contact the women you mentioned. I will sincerely and deeply apologize to them for my past behavior. But, believe me, Janet, please, please believe me. That is in my past. I am still living with it, and since the discussion with two ASIJ administrators in 2000, I have suffered again, deeply. Since April, I have been seeing a psychologist here in Japan, and it has helped...but I feel great guilt and shame for my behavior during the 1970's.
Concerning your request that I come forward and seek help.... I have and am currently undergoing help, and will continue to do so. I do not have a problem with pedophilia at this stage of my life. I have a problem with who I am...my own self image...and with guilt over what I did in the 1970's. Secondly, I will contact everybody I can contact who has had an improper relationship with me and apologize....sincerely, I would appreciate your help by supplying addresses, etc. I will send you copies of the letters.
But, I beg you to allow me to continue my educational work. I swear in front of Jesus that I do not have direct contact alone with kids and am absolutely no threat to anyone. Also, I swear again in from of Jesus that, through many years of grief and guilt, with the help of three different psychologists (two in California, one in Japan), I have come to understand the problem I had and to defeat it. But, I need the education work to save my wife and family. She is the one legally responsible for the loans in the Philippines, but she has no education, no income and in no way can pay the debts. I need the work to get my family safe and sound before I die (and I am 74, so I am running out of time.) Please trust me.
You asked me to receive help to stop abusing children. I have not done anything improper with a child in more than 20 years, and I deeply regret what I did do, during a terrible psychologically disturbed period of my life.
Please forgive me, Janet, but please allow me to continue my work. I am never alone with kids, like I was in the 1970's, and I have no desire to be alone with them. I am mentally OK, in that respect, now. My problems now are to come to terms with myself and, as you suggest, with the people to whom I have caused suffering. I ask your help and understanding.
I will be going to the Philippines to spend Christmas with my family, leaving here on December 11th and returning on December 30th. I beg you to trust me and recognize that I am no longer a threat to anybody. Please allow me to continue my work, or I cannot support my family. What I did in the past is not their fault. Please let me continue to make a living. No children are in any danger whatsoever from me at this stage of my life, and none have been since the 1970's.
Please send me the list of people whom you mentioned. I will send you copies of the letters I write to them. You can contact me here at this e-mail, but other people have access to this computer. My home address is: _________________________ My telephone number is _______________, but I hate my life alone in that six mat room, so I am only home late at night. I stay in this office when I am not giving lectures. My schools are limited to the warm season...many of them are government organized and run. Janet.....please let me continue those schools....for the sake of my wife and kids. I am certainly not happy with my life as it is now, but I cannot let my family fall into poverty in the Philippines, Please Janet!!
Your letter was necessary, and I thank you for it. It is necessary to deal with this problem once and for all.
With my sincere apologies!
OWS Jack Moyer
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Day Forty-Four - Back home again
When I arrived back home my husband greeted me with a bouquet of beautiful dark pink colored miniature roses and a nice bottle of Liberty School Cabernet. What a wonderful and nice surprise. Wow!!
Monday, October 26, 2009
Day Forty-Four - Another story
So we waited.......... In the meantime..........
How has it felt to wait to see what happened? Maybe, you were able to experience some of the anticipation we had. But again, in the meantime....
I mentioned in one of my previous posts that a new person - another one of Mr. J's "subjects" - "victims" (I hate that word) - another abused - has surfaced. A person who I didn't know about until a couple of weeks ago. This person just reconnected to past friends from ASIJ via Facebook. Her friends were sharing notes and reminiscing about ASIJ when one of her classmates sent a link to an article about Mr. J.
She was taken aback and asked about it and the classmate suggested she get in touch with me. So, I got a random email from this person, who I vaguely remember, asking me to contact her. Subsequently, I called her and we talked for a while. I asked her if I could share her story and she said yes. Evidently, until just three weeks ago in 2009, she thought she was the only one. She carried this burden for 35 years. She never shared it with anyone else. There was a reason....
I called her and we talked at length. She had been invited to Miyake by Mr. J after completing the Scuba Diving class he instructed at ASIJ. She had completed the course and needed to do her dive to become certified. Mr. J invited her to Miyake several times but her mother wouldn't let her go by herself. Thank GOD - someone had some sense. But after a while several girls got together and finally she was able to go. On the way to the island on the overnight trip on the boat, Mr. J used the quiet and dark opportunity to seduce her. I use the word seduce because that's what he did to a vulnerable, needy child.
He proceeded to molest her on the boat, however, during this time one of the other girls woke up and observed the molestation. Mr. J realized what had happened and subsequently chose to act as if it didn't happen and ignored her from that point on. Then, the girl who observed the act shared this with the rest of the girls and accused her of, "sleeping with Mr. J." So, this young early teenager experienced an enormous extreme of emotion from the onset to the end of that weekend. As I talked to her she shared that because of other issues with her family dynamics she was craving affection. So, when Mr. J treated her affectionately she was desperately in need of affection. She experienced someone who cared about her, who gave her the much needed and required affection she desperately needed. Of course, she didn't realize in her young thirteen year old self that this was wrong. But what happened next was excruciatingly harmful. He completely ignored her. So here she went from being a "chosen" one to a "abandoned" one in less than six hours. Then to top it off, her friend accused her of "sleeping" with the teacher. So during less than 24 hours she received the affection she so desperately craved and the shame she so intensely repelled. And now she's been carrying this burden for 35 years, thinking it was her fault.
How has it felt to wait to see what happened? Maybe, you were able to experience some of the anticipation we had. But again, in the meantime....
I mentioned in one of my previous posts that a new person - another one of Mr. J's "subjects" - "victims" (I hate that word) - another abused - has surfaced. A person who I didn't know about until a couple of weeks ago. This person just reconnected to past friends from ASIJ via Facebook. Her friends were sharing notes and reminiscing about ASIJ when one of her classmates sent a link to an article about Mr. J.
She was taken aback and asked about it and the classmate suggested she get in touch with me. So, I got a random email from this person, who I vaguely remember, asking me to contact her. Subsequently, I called her and we talked for a while. I asked her if I could share her story and she said yes. Evidently, until just three weeks ago in 2009, she thought she was the only one. She carried this burden for 35 years. She never shared it with anyone else. There was a reason....
October 19
Hi Janet, Thanks so much for responding. I got your messages. I would like to call you. I can't believe this is going to come out of my mouth after 35 years. The main thing is to finally understand that it wasn't my fault.
I called her and we talked at length. She had been invited to Miyake by Mr. J after completing the Scuba Diving class he instructed at ASIJ. She had completed the course and needed to do her dive to become certified. Mr. J invited her to Miyake several times but her mother wouldn't let her go by herself. Thank GOD - someone had some sense. But after a while several girls got together and finally she was able to go. On the way to the island on the overnight trip on the boat, Mr. J used the quiet and dark opportunity to seduce her. I use the word seduce because that's what he did to a vulnerable, needy child.
He proceeded to molest her on the boat, however, during this time one of the other girls woke up and observed the molestation. Mr. J realized what had happened and subsequently chose to act as if it didn't happen and ignored her from that point on. Then, the girl who observed the act shared this with the rest of the girls and accused her of, "sleeping with Mr. J." So, this young early teenager experienced an enormous extreme of emotion from the onset to the end of that weekend. As I talked to her she shared that because of other issues with her family dynamics she was craving affection. So, when Mr. J treated her affectionately she was desperately in need of affection. She experienced someone who cared about her, who gave her the much needed and required affection she desperately needed. Of course, she didn't realize in her young thirteen year old self that this was wrong. But what happened next was excruciatingly harmful. He completely ignored her. So here she went from being a "chosen" one to a "abandoned" one in less than six hours. Then to top it off, her friend accused her of "sleeping" with the teacher. So during less than 24 hours she received the affection she so desperately craved and the shame she so intensely repelled. And now she's been carrying this burden for 35 years, thinking it was her fault.
Janet Calcote Simmons October 21 at 1:37am
I'm so glad we were able to talk yesterday. As I write my story there are a lot of things I begin remembering that don't necessarily embrace my mind on a daily basis. I would encourage you to start writing your own story if you haven't already done so. It's amazing how therapeutic it is. For a long time, I resisted writing. I don't know if I was scared or if I just didn't want to take the time, but now that I have it really has made a difference to me.
I'm going out of town for several days and don't know how much I will be able to write but will be back on Monday. Stay in touch.
October 23 at 11:10pm
Hi Janet. Hope you had a great weekend.
I'm glad we spoke on Monday. There are many implications to finding out I wasn't the only one. They are all important to my recovery. Since he did this to so many girls, I am finally convinced that it wasn't my fault and I didn't cause it.
I was not special or unique. There was no personal connection. There is objective separation here between the predator with his established MO and the victims who were in fact invisible to the narcissist. It has become objectively easy now to identify him as a monster, a predator, a pedophile.
Abused children have a tendency to identify with the perpetrator. Objective separation was always very difficult for me. I have it now, thanks to you coming forward.
About 12 years ago a man who I knew socially was convicted of having sex with a high school girl. He was her karate teacher and also coached a sport. I knew him as the friend of cop I had been seeing. We played backgammon and hung out with the same people.
When I found out about Randy's conviction, I felt NOTHING for the girl. I had seen them together. She was tall and awkward and clung to Randy's shadow. I did not care that he was violating her trust, that he had become her whole world.
At the time, Janet, I KNEW there was something wrong with me for identifying with the perp instead of the victim. Now I know. I still blamed myself for the Mr. J incident. Somewhere in my abused brain I believed that if I had just been "cooler" at the time, he would have continued to pay attention to me. It has helped me immensely to find out I meant nothing to him and that I could not possibly have meant anything. He was a sociopathic, narcissistic pedophile. I was a statistic. End of story.
One other memory came back. Remember I said that my mother would not allow me to go on the scuba trip until there were a bunch of kids? Well, I remembered that she actually called him and asked questions, trying to make sure I would be safe. I'm surprised now that he took the risk he did on the boat.
My friend told me that when you went public and they were discussing Mr. J that one of my classmates had an especially hard time believing the truth. Another friend who is very level-headed thought at the time that something was not right with him.
Janet, I would have done anything for anyone who paid attention to me. That's who I was and it wasn't my fault that I got that way.
This was supposed to be a brief note just to say hi. Thanks for listening.
October 26, 2009: Janet responds:
So, when I get responses like this I know that what I'm doing it right. Writing my story is right. Read on.............................
I'm going out of town for several days and don't know how much I will be able to write but will be back on Monday. Stay in touch.
October 23 at 11:10pm
Hi Janet. Hope you had a great weekend.
I'm glad we spoke on Monday. There are many implications to finding out I wasn't the only one. They are all important to my recovery. Since he did this to so many girls, I am finally convinced that it wasn't my fault and I didn't cause it.
I was not special or unique. There was no personal connection. There is objective separation here between the predator with his established MO and the victims who were in fact invisible to the narcissist. It has become objectively easy now to identify him as a monster, a predator, a pedophile.
Abused children have a tendency to identify with the perpetrator. Objective separation was always very difficult for me. I have it now, thanks to you coming forward.
About 12 years ago a man who I knew socially was convicted of having sex with a high school girl. He was her karate teacher and also coached a sport. I knew him as the friend of cop I had been seeing. We played backgammon and hung out with the same people.
When I found out about Randy's conviction, I felt NOTHING for the girl. I had seen them together. She was tall and awkward and clung to Randy's shadow. I did not care that he was violating her trust, that he had become her whole world.
At the time, Janet, I KNEW there was something wrong with me for identifying with the perp instead of the victim. Now I know. I still blamed myself for the Mr. J incident. Somewhere in my abused brain I believed that if I had just been "cooler" at the time, he would have continued to pay attention to me. It has helped me immensely to find out I meant nothing to him and that I could not possibly have meant anything. He was a sociopathic, narcissistic pedophile. I was a statistic. End of story.
One other memory came back. Remember I said that my mother would not allow me to go on the scuba trip until there were a bunch of kids? Well, I remembered that she actually called him and asked questions, trying to make sure I would be safe. I'm surprised now that he took the risk he did on the boat.
My friend told me that when you went public and they were discussing Mr. J that one of my classmates had an especially hard time believing the truth. Another friend who is very level-headed thought at the time that something was not right with him.
Janet, I would have done anything for anyone who paid attention to me. That's who I was and it wasn't my fault that I got that way.
This was supposed to be a brief note just to say hi. Thanks for listening.
October 26, 2009: Janet responds:
So, when I get responses like this I know that what I'm doing it right. Writing my story is right. Read on.............................
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