Back at the beach enjoying the beauty of the fall in the south. Temperatures are in the mid 70's and dipping into the 60's at night. I'm watching LSU play Alabama with Chuck at the "Oarhouse". Funny play on words. For those of you who are just joining in on this blog I want to remind you that most of the time frame referenced is during 2003 and 2004. I have received comments and responses as if this is present and it's what I'm experiencing now. I'm just going back several years and sharing my experience in confronting my abuser. Any advise as to how I should handle the situation is somewhat futile since it has already happened. I do appreciate your thoughts, however, and encourage you to continue reading and responding.
I'm going through the disk Michele sent me last week and realize that I have forgotten a lot. I'm not sure, however, whether or not the stuff I forgot really matters. I do remember while I was going through all of this I counted on my siblings a great deal. Particularly my oldest brother and oldest sister. While going through this mess, questioning whether or not I was doing the right thing, I was talking to my oldest brother about it. He reminded me about the statement made by Edmund Burke, "All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." That really made me think about what we were doing.
But even so, I still questioned and maybe even still do, whether or not we did the right thing. The most difficult thing to figure out during all this time was, "What if he is telling the truth?" Although everything we read, studied and learned said that pedophiles don't change, he still had somewhat of a manipulative hold on me. Many comments have noticed that Jack was still using his manipulative tactics to influence me. That's why, I think, what happened next happened.
Thanksgiving 2003, my family went to my Mom and Dad's in Mississippi. We planned to go for a couple of day as my husband and boys wanted to return to Baton Rouge to see LSU play Arkansas, a tradition during the Thanksgiving holidays. Because I wasn't going to the game, I stayed in Mississippi until Saturday. When I returned home, Chuck (my husband) met me at the door. He said, "There is a message on the answering machine. I wanted to let you know about it before you listen to it. It's from Jack."
I really never thought he would actually call me. But, then again, I really never thought any of this would happen to me. You know when girls are young and they imagine their lives as women, as mothers, as wives...... I don't remember ever imagining that as a young informative teenager. I don't remember day dreaming about being married.........having young children.......being a working woman........ I really don't remember day dreaming about much.
I do remember during seventh grade my friend and I would "pretend" we were cheerleaders and "pretend" we had boyfriends. We would go into our living room and completely rearrange the furniture, and do our cheers and act like we were swooning the boys. Very funny. Those memories are fun and innocent. In fact, my friend and I were talking about those memories a few weeks ago at the SBMK reunion we had in October. We both later cheered together and had some really good real memories.
While I was in Mississippi during Thanksgiving, I told my parents what we (Michele and I) were doing. Up to this point they didn't know anything about Michele and my endeavors. When I let them know that I sent a letter to Jack, my Mother responded hesitantly. She asked me why I "let" him do that to me? My interpretation of that was - "You were in control, you let him do it. So why are you bringing this up now." But because I had gotten to this point, being able to "confront" him, I was also able to handle to responses I got from others, even my parents. To the point that I was able to not only answer her but forgive her. It's really hard being a parent. We try to protect our children, but we also want to give them the freedom to make their own choices. It's sometimes hard to understand the difference between freedom and abuse. Sometimes, parents need forgiveness, too. I hope my kids will forgive me for everything I've done or haven't done for them.
After I returned home and Chuck told me about Jack calling, my knees went weak. I wasn't sure I could talk to him or even listen to his voice. I did finally listen to his voice mail and heard a pleading desperate man. At that point, I wasn't sure I could go forward. Chuck was sure I couldn't and basically told me that I couldn't continue to contact him. So, at this point, I turned over the reigns to Michele and she took over the correspondence with Jack. I sent an email telling him that I couldn't correspond with him anymore because he was using his manipulative tactics with me and I wasn't willing to subject myself to that. So, he began corresponding with Michele. We were now at the end of November and the beginning of December, 2003,
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Friday, November 6, 2009
Day Fifty - Back to the beach
I received the emails from Michele this week. Having to decode them with a different software. Have three TOC files that I have been unable to open. Tried Mail Navigator without success. Was able to open the MBX files with that. Any suggestions?
Otherwise, I now have roughly 250 pages to go through. Documents from 2003 and 2004. Heading to the beach. Let me know if you can help me open those files.
Have a wonderful weekend!!
Otherwise, I now have roughly 250 pages to go through. Documents from 2003 and 2004. Heading to the beach. Let me know if you can help me open those files.
Have a wonderful weekend!!
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Day Forty-nine
When I first started to write this blog, I really thought that I could do it without much emotion, after all, I've already been through all this stuff and I made it through then right? And although I do believe I have pretty much "healed" from all of this I realize now that there are things that still hurt and cause me much emotion. I guess it's kind of like an injury you got from a hard blow or cut that has "healed" but when it gets cold outside or starts to rain the point of injury lets you know it's still there.
Also, as I write, I'm looking back on actions which, at the time, I was right in the midst of. While I was going through this my thoughts and feelings were different, I'm sure. As I look back on it, I must admit, reading through these emails and correspondence again sometimes makes me sick to my stomach, keeps me awake at night and causes me to be more self-focused than I want to be. I am finding a real need to get through this and get on the other side.
As you read this, please remember this is not only a recollection of circumstances from years ago, but also my own emotions now as I go through this. So when I write that it's becoming more difficult, and/or that I want to quit, I don't anticipate getting this far and doing that, it's just how I am feeling at that point.
If you are the praying sort of person, prayer is always good and I depend on it and covet it. "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you." John 14: 27
So as I continue the journey, I take with me your support and encouragement. It's interesting to read the responses I have received so far. I expected to get a lot more negative reactions but am experiencing nothing of the sort. So far, all but a couple of responses have been in complete support of me and for that I thank you. Your comments do help to spur me on and encourage me to make it to the end. If you are reading on the blog site and want to comment just to me, you may write me via email at janet@calcote.com or you can write through facebook via the "inbox". Either way works without anyone else reading it. I may not directly respond to your comment but I try to send a collective message whenever I can.
After my extensive response to Jacks email, I received a response sometime during the week before Thanksgiving, 2003. As I type the email, my current/present remarks are in (parenthesis.)
Dear Janet,
I have read your letter, and I will comment on it to the best of my ability. I attempted to kill myself in 1985. I never in either of my letters to you to date threatened to do so again. I have two children and a wife - in trouble - that I would never do that to. As for the case of me "ignoring you" when you met the boat, I have absolutely no recollection of that, and , in my memories of you, I doubt that I would have done such a thing. (Unbelievable!!) Who was I with? Was I stressed? (How the hell am I supposed to know!!)
Let me turn to your questions: (This remark seems to deliberate - or rehearsed)
1. Why did you suspect that I might have been the "one" who contacted ASIJ in 2000? I expected it might be you because my actions with you took place when you were quite young and were more intimate and shameful than what took place with other kids, except __________ and ______________, with whom I corresponded on this subject some years ago.
2. How have you "taken responsibility" for your actions?
What have I done to correct these mistakes? I have tried since the 1980's to lead a good life and contribute positively to society. I have especially succeeded in Japan. I have had next to no contact with ASIJ for years, and my contributions are in Japanese society, as you can see on the internet. I try to help people whenever I can. I try to be a decent person. That is really all I can say.
3. Why do you suppose being divorced or dealing with grief from your mother's death would "cause" you to molest children? Many people suffer through divorce, death of much worse and do not resort to child abuse.
This is a difficult question. (He proceeds to say some not so nice things about his ex-wife). I went on weekends on various trips and had little to do with the faculty socially. I became too deeply involved in the kids world and became emotionally attached to some of them.. you were one, ________ and _________ were others. (I don't think he understood the implications of my question. My question was a bit sarcastic.)
4. When did you leave ASIJ? Was it permanent? Did anyone from the administration confront you prior to 2000? When did they? Who was it? Why did you leave ASIJ? What is the time reference to your leaving ASIJ and your going to Santa Barbara?
I quit ASIJ in 1984, after I got my doctorate, and tried to start a new life as a scientist. I went to Santa Barbara for a trimester, returning to Japan, my only home, in March 1985. I did not return to ASIJ, but lived alone at Miyake. This was the period that Miyake was being threatened by a military airport. I became very involved in working against that. ASIJ wanted to continue the Miyake program, and did so. (WOW - and this is after how many people came forward and told the administration about his sexual abuse?) I lived in a separate house. The school ran their own program. I was on-island administrator. I met the boats, got the vans to the proper pier, which depended upon the wind, brought the food, paid all the bills, made all the minshuku (hostel) arrangements and told the shrine story. The house I lived in was one I built for scientists who used my marine lab. I did not know the kids names nor have the time or the desire to get to know them personally. From 1993 to the volcano in 2000, I worked at the Miyake Nature Center from 8-5 daily, taking even less part in the program. The program ended with the eruption of the volcano in 2000. I can honestly say that I do not know the names of any of the kids that were in the program during that period.....I was that far removed from it. I led the shrine story night, a singing night, and I guided them to the far side of the island to experience the Miyake taiko drumming, which I explained - because the explanations were in Japanese.
(I wonder if he forgot the young ASIJ student who he asked to help him solicit money for his farm after the volcano erupted. How many ASIJ alumni/parents/faculty received that email?)
5. When did you return to Japan? Did you return to ASIJ? Did you resume your work with the Miyake program? What was the school's involvement with that? What were the terms of the arrangement between you and ASIJ? What, if anything, happened in 1990 after the "70's" reunion in Long Beach when you were nominated "favorite teacher" and then the award was pulled from you?
I knew very little about the 1970's reunion. I was told that I had won the "best teacher" vote, but then I was told that a last minute rush of votes gave the prize to Mr. Gallagher. That is all I know. It was not a big deal to me.
6. The use of the word "improper" is incredibly benign in describing these relationships. Did you tell your psychologist in Santa Barbara that you were a child sexual predator and that you had sexually abused many girls? If so, why would she/he not suggest you contact us and deal with the issue at that time? Any competent psychologist would have advised you to : 1) admit your problem and face it, 2) make restitution to those whom you abused, 3) be willing to suffer the consequences of your actions and 4) immediately stop being in contact of any form with children.
My psychologist in California - the 2nd one - told me what you said, but I ran from it. I did not face up to it. I was convinced I could start a new life, and I feel that I did. What I could not run away from was my self-hate and guilt.
7. Are you still in touch with the psychologist in Santa Barbara? I'd like to get in touch with him/her with your request of release of information.
There were two psychologists in California. They first treated me in the hospital after I tried to kill myself, and was more concerned with controlling my self-destructive impulses. I went to the 2nd psychologist after I got out of the hospital. I do not remember their names....HONESTLY! As I said, I did not follow all of the advise of the 2nd one. He helped me a lot, though, and I did not return to close relationships with kids.
8. You say you lived alone after that not interacting with any children. What, if any, was ASIJ's involvement in this?
After I returned to Japan, I had no involvement with ASIJ except as I said above. They continued the Miyake Program. Later, from about 1996 or so, I guided PTA Family eco tours to various parts of Japan....3 times per year, ending in 1999. I was deeply involved with my research in the early part of those days, and in my marriage from 1987.
9. You also mentioned that you didn't have any involvement with children after the 1970's yet you married a young (17 year old?) girl when you were 59. I'm not sure I follow that explanation. My wife was an adult, in her twenties, when we were married. I was 57. There are many such marriages. I grew to deeply love her, and that love continues to grow...our problems with finances now and the effect they may have on her future after I die is my chief concern in the world - along with the subject of this letter.
10. You say you would like to contact the women I've communicated with to apologize to them, however, you have never tried to contact me. My name, address and email have been listed on the ASIJ site for 30 years. So, why now do you desire to contact others when you haven't to this point contacted me?
I was wrong. I did inexcusable things. I am truly sorry. But, I can only say that I was wrong, very wrong. I am truly sorry for the pain I caused you and others. I don't know what else to say. True, I should have contacted you long ago, especially after the psychologist told me to, but, I did not have the courage. I regret that. What more can I say, Janet. I was wrong. I hurt people I cared about and caused suffering that I may never fully know the extent of. I can only say that I am very, very sorry.
11. Who are the two women you have contacted? I'd like to verify this information. (He names two girls here). I asked ___________ to come back and join me, before I married my wife. I really hoped she would come and that we might marry in the future. (OKAY - people - this person he is referring to was MY age. As a child she lived in his home. I spoke to her at length in 2003 and at that time she told me she would do whatever it took to help us. She also said I could share with you who she was - but I chose not to in case her feelings have changed.) She contacted me later and said she was coming with a friend, but she went to Taiwan and not to Japan. We talked after that. The other girl came back just before she got married. I asked her to stay. I really wanted somebody. We had a short relationship, but she returned to the U.S. and married. We were in contact again some years ago. She, like you, was deeply hurt by my behavior with her when she was a young kid. I apologized to her and explained to her about my current life style. She, like you, was afraid I might molest my own children. I would rather burn in hell than do anything to hurt my children!
12. In addition, I have at least seven women I know who were sexually abused by you. What are the names of those girls you remember molesting?
Girls I had "crushes" on were - (CRUSHES - what does he mean by that? - We were just a high school crush? We didn't have any control over this. ) (He proceeds to name six others besides me - only two names we had were the same - which means at this point we identified at least twelve girls he molested). You were one of those, and I cannot believe or imagine ever "ignoring" you. Others who I was close to but never behaved improperly were.....(names six including Michele) and a few others. The "Moyer groupies", they were called at school. I did not behave incorrectly with any of those kids. (What does "incorrectly" mean to him? I wonder what he thought about kids who witnessed his "indiscretion" and, what about those he placed emotional burdens on.)
13. You say you don't work with children, yet many pictures on the web sites show your involvement with children directly in the ocean or in the programs you say other teachers are leading. How can you prove to me that you are not involved with children anywhere? Why can't your "schools" exist without your physical involvement? Your word is tremendously lacking in credibility, how can I be certain that you are not currently molesting any child, including your own children?
The web site photos are posed....HONESTLY...at the request of the people who run the programs. My name is known in Japan, and my name attracts people to the programs....but I do not have a direct teaching role in any of these programs. One way to prove it would be to have an acquaintance in Japan have her/his high school child take part in one without me knowing it. That would be a source of information of the truth. I can only give you my word. I do not have a problem with kids anymore! As for my own kids, the very thought sickens me. I love them more deeply than any love I have ever known!
14. What do you mean by a limited fixed income? Are you receiving any compensation from retirement from ASIJ? If not, why not? Most people have mortgages for their home and any other properties. Many people have debts that exceed $40,000. In fact, $40,000 is a very low figure in the modern world. I'm not sure how your desire or lack there of to work in the Philippines has anything to do with this. I'm not sure how your current financial obligations have anything to do with this as well. People, all the time sell their assets when they are unable to pay for them. I don't see your family going to jail because they can't pay the debt. I could see that the beach property that you own in your wife's name could be sold to pay the debt you own.
There is no life for my children or my wife in Japan after I die. Japan is a racist country and Southeast Asians bear the brunt of it with Koreans. I want my wife to have a nice house and an income when I die, and I want my kids to get the best possible Philippine education they can get...which is what is happening now and has become immensely difficult due to financial problems.
15. If you are happily married and care for your children, then why are you separated from then? All of us who grew up in Japan had a bi-cultural experience. Why shouldn't they live with you in Japan?I quit ASIJ early, and my pension is a mere $1,000 per month. I do not get Social Security. You said that $40,000 is not much these days. It is an absolute fortune for my wife and me! Both of our houses are mortgaged (the beach house and our home), and my wife has deep debts in addition on both. To make matters worse, she lent the beach house to another person, so that she has loaned the same house to two people - the bank mortgage and the other family....which is illegal. I am trying very, very hard to pay off both of these debts and to keep her out of trouble. I am living an unhappy life here in japan, to make this possible. I will be with them for three weeks from December 11 to 30th...but I want to be with them always. Incidentally, my wife hated living in Japan!!
16. What exactly do you mean by "a large extent?' Your statement reads, and I quote, "Please, Janet, understand that I have dealt with the problem, and to a large extent, succeeded."I have defeated the "attraction to children" problem, thoroughly, but not the problem of "self-contempt" and "self-hate". All I can offer is my word. You seem reluctant to accept that, certainly due to the fact that you were badly hurt by me and you feel like I deliberately manipulated you. I did not, Janet. I was very much attracted to you, (I WAS ELEVEN!!), as unhealthy an attraction as this obviously was! (This makes my stomach hurt.)
17. I have offered to help you and you have requested my help, however, how do I know that this is not another manipulation ploy to get me to succumb to your emotional plea? What concrete evidence do you have to prove that what you are saying is true?
I cannot offer any concrete proof, other than my word, which you do not seem to accept. The plan I suggested above...get someone you trust to take part in one of my programs and get to know the Jack of today - without me knowing it. I would really appreciate it if you would get me into contact with the "seven" women you mentioned. What concrete proof can I offer? Of course I feel terrible about the pain I caused those of you whom I got close to. Of course I do! In my previous two letters I did not focus on that issue, because I was trying to tell you as I am in this letter, that I went through some difficult times then, with myself, and I have broken free from that!! I really have, Janet. True, I owe deep apologies to the people I hurt. I have absolutely no contact with ASIJ or Americans. My entire world is deep within the Japanese culture and/or Philippine culture. I have no school address books, nothing. Put me in contact with those women, and I will apologize, as I said in my first letter. (So now the responsibility is with me to get him in contact with everyone?)
18. Who contacted you in 2000? You mentioned that two ASIJ administrators contacted you. What are their names?
The two ASIJ administrators were ________________ , Director of Business Affairs and _________________, Middle School principal, who had worked with me at Miyake and was shocked. Early, in about 1990 or 1991, the Middle School principal (a different one than the one in 2000) had mentioned to me that she had heard that I was a bad influence around children but that, after working with me - and observing me closely - she felt that I was a very excellent outdoor education person. She saw me in the post 1984 years, when I was an administrator rather than a teacher and lived separately. (I don't guess she ever put her futon next to his when she was eleven either. Besides - don't you think she should have done some more extensive investigations if she had heard some bad things about him? - Who told her? Why didn't they do anything about it? Again, unbelievable!!)
19. What prompted your seeing a psychologist in April of 2003? Who is it? I'd like to speak with him/her. Have you shared with this psychologist your proclivity to abusing children sexually? You say you haven't resumed your molestations? How do I know that? My psychologist is Japanese. Dr. ___________. He is dealing with my depression problems, not child abuse. I do not have that problem any more. Honestly, Janet. My problem today is getting along with myself.
20. I spoke to your wife and she expressed concern of how this will affect her and your children. I resent the fact that SHE has been put in this position. In my opinion, she is as much or more so one of your victims. She just happened to marry you. I am so very sad that she is suffering the consequences of this and that you put her into a position of not only having to suffer your consequences but to try and plead your case for you. Does she know the details of your "problem" in the 70's?
Yes, I told my wife. She knew I was greatly troubled in the years just after our marriage. She made me into a good person. I owe her my life. I am not trying to manipulate your emotions or sympathies. It is true. She did more for me than anyone in my life, including my mother.
21. One of the other "girls" remembered a time when we all went with you to several inaugurations for a Japanese boat company. She remembers being approached by a Japanese man from this company. He made sexual advances to her and she was able to fend him off. When she questioned you about his, your response was, "Well, a man does have needs." What was your involvement in this? I remember several times when we went to things with Japanese men. Was there some sort of young girls sex ring?
I do not remember the incident. Many Miyake males are notorious for that kind of conduct. (Huh?) Lorna hated Miyake! (Huh, Huh?) Obviously, there was no sex ring. I was invited to bring my guests (eleven, twelve and thirteen year old girls?) to important events, like the barbecue done each year by the president of the boat company. There was never any other contact between me and those people, and there still isn't.
22. Evidence that this has taken so long to actually "come out", proves that you were either very selective in those who you chose to abuse or that all of us, ASIJ, our parents, those of us who were abused, were too stupid or weak to recognize the situation as it was and to face it, regardless of the outcome. How did you decide who you were going to chose?
This question is not hard to answer. I really like those kids.....in the absence of a normal adult social life, I became far too deeply involved with kids. (????????????) I suppose it would start with a touch, and then get more intimate. It was not "evil manipulation" in my mind at that time. I regret it deeply.
As for "proof" of who I am today, or, at least who I was in the 1990's, you should write to _____ (the Middle School Principal from the 1990's.)
I have accepted God...but not a Southern Baptist God. It is not an institutionalized thing with me. I do not quote from the Scripture, although I have read it. I pray...for others....my wife, especially now, my kids, and in view of the past few days, the people whom I have hurt in my life. My prayers are not for selfish things for myself. For you and the others, I pray now for peace of mind. For my wife and kids, I pray that I have not ruined their lives by my behavior from 30 years ago, and that I can get my wife out of her economic difficulties.
You said in your letter that it sounded like I was trying to get off the hook. Of course, I want to lead the rest of my life peacefully with myself and my family. That was a difficult problem before your letter... immensely difficult now. But, I know in my own mind, that I am living a very good life style now, as far as my relations with society go...society includes kids. I know that I am very unhappy in my personal life because I put the future of my family above my own happiness, and I work here to provide a future for them in the Philippines. I cannot prove what I say....but I know in my heart that I am telling the truth.
Finally, a psychologist, but probably not a religious person like yourself, would be interested to know that MOST of the relatives on my mother's side of the family killed themselves; my mother, her sister and two older brothers and her nephew. I tried, too. Is there something genetic in suicidal people? (Huh? - He's asking me?) I can only say that, under my current seemingly impossible situation, I cannot imagine taking that approach, due to the torture it would cause my family. I love my family unlike anything I have ever known in my life!!
{End of Email}
Also, as I write, I'm looking back on actions which, at the time, I was right in the midst of. While I was going through this my thoughts and feelings were different, I'm sure. As I look back on it, I must admit, reading through these emails and correspondence again sometimes makes me sick to my stomach, keeps me awake at night and causes me to be more self-focused than I want to be. I am finding a real need to get through this and get on the other side.
As you read this, please remember this is not only a recollection of circumstances from years ago, but also my own emotions now as I go through this. So when I write that it's becoming more difficult, and/or that I want to quit, I don't anticipate getting this far and doing that, it's just how I am feeling at that point.
If you are the praying sort of person, prayer is always good and I depend on it and covet it. "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you." John 14: 27
So as I continue the journey, I take with me your support and encouragement. It's interesting to read the responses I have received so far. I expected to get a lot more negative reactions but am experiencing nothing of the sort. So far, all but a couple of responses have been in complete support of me and for that I thank you. Your comments do help to spur me on and encourage me to make it to the end. If you are reading on the blog site and want to comment just to me, you may write me via email at janet@calcote.com or you can write through facebook via the "inbox". Either way works without anyone else reading it. I may not directly respond to your comment but I try to send a collective message whenever I can.
After my extensive response to Jacks email, I received a response sometime during the week before Thanksgiving, 2003. As I type the email, my current/present remarks are in (parenthesis.)
Dear Janet,
I have read your letter, and I will comment on it to the best of my ability. I attempted to kill myself in 1985. I never in either of my letters to you to date threatened to do so again. I have two children and a wife - in trouble - that I would never do that to. As for the case of me "ignoring you" when you met the boat, I have absolutely no recollection of that, and , in my memories of you, I doubt that I would have done such a thing. (Unbelievable!!) Who was I with? Was I stressed? (How the hell am I supposed to know!!)
Let me turn to your questions: (This remark seems to deliberate - or rehearsed)
1. Why did you suspect that I might have been the "one" who contacted ASIJ in 2000? I expected it might be you because my actions with you took place when you were quite young and were more intimate and shameful than what took place with other kids, except __________ and ______________, with whom I corresponded on this subject some years ago.
2. How have you "taken responsibility" for your actions?
What have I done to correct these mistakes? I have tried since the 1980's to lead a good life and contribute positively to society. I have especially succeeded in Japan. I have had next to no contact with ASIJ for years, and my contributions are in Japanese society, as you can see on the internet. I try to help people whenever I can. I try to be a decent person. That is really all I can say.
3. Why do you suppose being divorced or dealing with grief from your mother's death would "cause" you to molest children? Many people suffer through divorce, death of much worse and do not resort to child abuse.
This is a difficult question. (He proceeds to say some not so nice things about his ex-wife). I went on weekends on various trips and had little to do with the faculty socially. I became too deeply involved in the kids world and became emotionally attached to some of them.. you were one, ________ and _________ were others. (I don't think he understood the implications of my question. My question was a bit sarcastic.)
4. When did you leave ASIJ? Was it permanent? Did anyone from the administration confront you prior to 2000? When did they? Who was it? Why did you leave ASIJ? What is the time reference to your leaving ASIJ and your going to Santa Barbara?
I quit ASIJ in 1984, after I got my doctorate, and tried to start a new life as a scientist. I went to Santa Barbara for a trimester, returning to Japan, my only home, in March 1985. I did not return to ASIJ, but lived alone at Miyake. This was the period that Miyake was being threatened by a military airport. I became very involved in working against that. ASIJ wanted to continue the Miyake program, and did so. (WOW - and this is after how many people came forward and told the administration about his sexual abuse?) I lived in a separate house. The school ran their own program. I was on-island administrator. I met the boats, got the vans to the proper pier, which depended upon the wind, brought the food, paid all the bills, made all the minshuku (hostel) arrangements and told the shrine story. The house I lived in was one I built for scientists who used my marine lab. I did not know the kids names nor have the time or the desire to get to know them personally. From 1993 to the volcano in 2000, I worked at the Miyake Nature Center from 8-5 daily, taking even less part in the program. The program ended with the eruption of the volcano in 2000. I can honestly say that I do not know the names of any of the kids that were in the program during that period.....I was that far removed from it. I led the shrine story night, a singing night, and I guided them to the far side of the island to experience the Miyake taiko drumming, which I explained - because the explanations were in Japanese.
(I wonder if he forgot the young ASIJ student who he asked to help him solicit money for his farm after the volcano erupted. How many ASIJ alumni/parents/faculty received that email?)
5. When did you return to Japan? Did you return to ASIJ? Did you resume your work with the Miyake program? What was the school's involvement with that? What were the terms of the arrangement between you and ASIJ? What, if anything, happened in 1990 after the "70's" reunion in Long Beach when you were nominated "favorite teacher" and then the award was pulled from you?
I knew very little about the 1970's reunion. I was told that I had won the "best teacher" vote, but then I was told that a last minute rush of votes gave the prize to Mr. Gallagher. That is all I know. It was not a big deal to me.
6. The use of the word "improper" is incredibly benign in describing these relationships. Did you tell your psychologist in Santa Barbara that you were a child sexual predator and that you had sexually abused many girls? If so, why would she/he not suggest you contact us and deal with the issue at that time? Any competent psychologist would have advised you to : 1) admit your problem and face it, 2) make restitution to those whom you abused, 3) be willing to suffer the consequences of your actions and 4) immediately stop being in contact of any form with children.
My psychologist in California - the 2nd one - told me what you said, but I ran from it. I did not face up to it. I was convinced I could start a new life, and I feel that I did. What I could not run away from was my self-hate and guilt.
7. Are you still in touch with the psychologist in Santa Barbara? I'd like to get in touch with him/her with your request of release of information.
There were two psychologists in California. They first treated me in the hospital after I tried to kill myself, and was more concerned with controlling my self-destructive impulses. I went to the 2nd psychologist after I got out of the hospital. I do not remember their names....HONESTLY! As I said, I did not follow all of the advise of the 2nd one. He helped me a lot, though, and I did not return to close relationships with kids.
8. You say you lived alone after that not interacting with any children. What, if any, was ASIJ's involvement in this?
After I returned to Japan, I had no involvement with ASIJ except as I said above. They continued the Miyake Program. Later, from about 1996 or so, I guided PTA Family eco tours to various parts of Japan....3 times per year, ending in 1999. I was deeply involved with my research in the early part of those days, and in my marriage from 1987.
9. You also mentioned that you didn't have any involvement with children after the 1970's yet you married a young (17 year old?) girl when you were 59. I'm not sure I follow that explanation. My wife was an adult, in her twenties, when we were married. I was 57. There are many such marriages. I grew to deeply love her, and that love continues to grow...our problems with finances now and the effect they may have on her future after I die is my chief concern in the world - along with the subject of this letter.
10. You say you would like to contact the women I've communicated with to apologize to them, however, you have never tried to contact me. My name, address and email have been listed on the ASIJ site for 30 years. So, why now do you desire to contact others when you haven't to this point contacted me?
I was wrong. I did inexcusable things. I am truly sorry. But, I can only say that I was wrong, very wrong. I am truly sorry for the pain I caused you and others. I don't know what else to say. True, I should have contacted you long ago, especially after the psychologist told me to, but, I did not have the courage. I regret that. What more can I say, Janet. I was wrong. I hurt people I cared about and caused suffering that I may never fully know the extent of. I can only say that I am very, very sorry.
11. Who are the two women you have contacted? I'd like to verify this information. (He names two girls here). I asked ___________ to come back and join me, before I married my wife. I really hoped she would come and that we might marry in the future. (OKAY - people - this person he is referring to was MY age. As a child she lived in his home. I spoke to her at length in 2003 and at that time she told me she would do whatever it took to help us. She also said I could share with you who she was - but I chose not to in case her feelings have changed.) She contacted me later and said she was coming with a friend, but she went to Taiwan and not to Japan. We talked after that. The other girl came back just before she got married. I asked her to stay. I really wanted somebody. We had a short relationship, but she returned to the U.S. and married. We were in contact again some years ago. She, like you, was deeply hurt by my behavior with her when she was a young kid. I apologized to her and explained to her about my current life style. She, like you, was afraid I might molest my own children. I would rather burn in hell than do anything to hurt my children!
12. In addition, I have at least seven women I know who were sexually abused by you. What are the names of those girls you remember molesting?
Girls I had "crushes" on were - (CRUSHES - what does he mean by that? - We were just a high school crush? We didn't have any control over this. ) (He proceeds to name six others besides me - only two names we had were the same - which means at this point we identified at least twelve girls he molested). You were one of those, and I cannot believe or imagine ever "ignoring" you. Others who I was close to but never behaved improperly were.....(names six including Michele) and a few others. The "Moyer groupies", they were called at school. I did not behave incorrectly with any of those kids. (What does "incorrectly" mean to him? I wonder what he thought about kids who witnessed his "indiscretion" and, what about those he placed emotional burdens on.)
13. You say you don't work with children, yet many pictures on the web sites show your involvement with children directly in the ocean or in the programs you say other teachers are leading. How can you prove to me that you are not involved with children anywhere? Why can't your "schools" exist without your physical involvement? Your word is tremendously lacking in credibility, how can I be certain that you are not currently molesting any child, including your own children?
The web site photos are posed....HONESTLY...at the request of the people who run the programs. My name is known in Japan, and my name attracts people to the programs....but I do not have a direct teaching role in any of these programs. One way to prove it would be to have an acquaintance in Japan have her/his high school child take part in one without me knowing it. That would be a source of information of the truth. I can only give you my word. I do not have a problem with kids anymore! As for my own kids, the very thought sickens me. I love them more deeply than any love I have ever known!
14. What do you mean by a limited fixed income? Are you receiving any compensation from retirement from ASIJ? If not, why not? Most people have mortgages for their home and any other properties. Many people have debts that exceed $40,000. In fact, $40,000 is a very low figure in the modern world. I'm not sure how your desire or lack there of to work in the Philippines has anything to do with this. I'm not sure how your current financial obligations have anything to do with this as well. People, all the time sell their assets when they are unable to pay for them. I don't see your family going to jail because they can't pay the debt. I could see that the beach property that you own in your wife's name could be sold to pay the debt you own.
There is no life for my children or my wife in Japan after I die. Japan is a racist country and Southeast Asians bear the brunt of it with Koreans. I want my wife to have a nice house and an income when I die, and I want my kids to get the best possible Philippine education they can get...which is what is happening now and has become immensely difficult due to financial problems.
15. If you are happily married and care for your children, then why are you separated from then? All of us who grew up in Japan had a bi-cultural experience. Why shouldn't they live with you in Japan?I quit ASIJ early, and my pension is a mere $1,000 per month. I do not get Social Security. You said that $40,000 is not much these days. It is an absolute fortune for my wife and me! Both of our houses are mortgaged (the beach house and our home), and my wife has deep debts in addition on both. To make matters worse, she lent the beach house to another person, so that she has loaned the same house to two people - the bank mortgage and the other family....which is illegal. I am trying very, very hard to pay off both of these debts and to keep her out of trouble. I am living an unhappy life here in japan, to make this possible. I will be with them for three weeks from December 11 to 30th...but I want to be with them always. Incidentally, my wife hated living in Japan!!
16. What exactly do you mean by "a large extent?' Your statement reads, and I quote, "Please, Janet, understand that I have dealt with the problem, and to a large extent, succeeded."I have defeated the "attraction to children" problem, thoroughly, but not the problem of "self-contempt" and "self-hate". All I can offer is my word. You seem reluctant to accept that, certainly due to the fact that you were badly hurt by me and you feel like I deliberately manipulated you. I did not, Janet. I was very much attracted to you, (I WAS ELEVEN!!), as unhealthy an attraction as this obviously was! (This makes my stomach hurt.)
17. I have offered to help you and you have requested my help, however, how do I know that this is not another manipulation ploy to get me to succumb to your emotional plea? What concrete evidence do you have to prove that what you are saying is true?
I cannot offer any concrete proof, other than my word, which you do not seem to accept. The plan I suggested above...get someone you trust to take part in one of my programs and get to know the Jack of today - without me knowing it. I would really appreciate it if you would get me into contact with the "seven" women you mentioned. What concrete proof can I offer? Of course I feel terrible about the pain I caused those of you whom I got close to. Of course I do! In my previous two letters I did not focus on that issue, because I was trying to tell you as I am in this letter, that I went through some difficult times then, with myself, and I have broken free from that!! I really have, Janet. True, I owe deep apologies to the people I hurt. I have absolutely no contact with ASIJ or Americans. My entire world is deep within the Japanese culture and/or Philippine culture. I have no school address books, nothing. Put me in contact with those women, and I will apologize, as I said in my first letter. (So now the responsibility is with me to get him in contact with everyone?)
18. Who contacted you in 2000? You mentioned that two ASIJ administrators contacted you. What are their names?
The two ASIJ administrators were ________________ , Director of Business Affairs and _________________, Middle School principal, who had worked with me at Miyake and was shocked. Early, in about 1990 or 1991, the Middle School principal (a different one than the one in 2000) had mentioned to me that she had heard that I was a bad influence around children but that, after working with me - and observing me closely - she felt that I was a very excellent outdoor education person. She saw me in the post 1984 years, when I was an administrator rather than a teacher and lived separately. (I don't guess she ever put her futon next to his when she was eleven either. Besides - don't you think she should have done some more extensive investigations if she had heard some bad things about him? - Who told her? Why didn't they do anything about it? Again, unbelievable!!)
19. What prompted your seeing a psychologist in April of 2003? Who is it? I'd like to speak with him/her. Have you shared with this psychologist your proclivity to abusing children sexually? You say you haven't resumed your molestations? How do I know that? My psychologist is Japanese. Dr. ___________. He is dealing with my depression problems, not child abuse. I do not have that problem any more. Honestly, Janet. My problem today is getting along with myself.
20. I spoke to your wife and she expressed concern of how this will affect her and your children. I resent the fact that SHE has been put in this position. In my opinion, she is as much or more so one of your victims. She just happened to marry you. I am so very sad that she is suffering the consequences of this and that you put her into a position of not only having to suffer your consequences but to try and plead your case for you. Does she know the details of your "problem" in the 70's?
Yes, I told my wife. She knew I was greatly troubled in the years just after our marriage. She made me into a good person. I owe her my life. I am not trying to manipulate your emotions or sympathies. It is true. She did more for me than anyone in my life, including my mother.
21. One of the other "girls" remembered a time when we all went with you to several inaugurations for a Japanese boat company. She remembers being approached by a Japanese man from this company. He made sexual advances to her and she was able to fend him off. When she questioned you about his, your response was, "Well, a man does have needs." What was your involvement in this? I remember several times when we went to things with Japanese men. Was there some sort of young girls sex ring?
I do not remember the incident. Many Miyake males are notorious for that kind of conduct. (Huh?) Lorna hated Miyake! (Huh, Huh?) Obviously, there was no sex ring. I was invited to bring my guests (eleven, twelve and thirteen year old girls?) to important events, like the barbecue done each year by the president of the boat company. There was never any other contact between me and those people, and there still isn't.
22. Evidence that this has taken so long to actually "come out", proves that you were either very selective in those who you chose to abuse or that all of us, ASIJ, our parents, those of us who were abused, were too stupid or weak to recognize the situation as it was and to face it, regardless of the outcome. How did you decide who you were going to chose?
This question is not hard to answer. I really like those kids.....in the absence of a normal adult social life, I became far too deeply involved with kids. (????????????) I suppose it would start with a touch, and then get more intimate. It was not "evil manipulation" in my mind at that time. I regret it deeply.
As for "proof" of who I am today, or, at least who I was in the 1990's, you should write to _____ (the Middle School Principal from the 1990's.)
I have accepted God...but not a Southern Baptist God. It is not an institutionalized thing with me. I do not quote from the Scripture, although I have read it. I pray...for others....my wife, especially now, my kids, and in view of the past few days, the people whom I have hurt in my life. My prayers are not for selfish things for myself. For you and the others, I pray now for peace of mind. For my wife and kids, I pray that I have not ruined their lives by my behavior from 30 years ago, and that I can get my wife out of her economic difficulties.
You said in your letter that it sounded like I was trying to get off the hook. Of course, I want to lead the rest of my life peacefully with myself and my family. That was a difficult problem before your letter... immensely difficult now. But, I know in my own mind, that I am living a very good life style now, as far as my relations with society go...society includes kids. I know that I am very unhappy in my personal life because I put the future of my family above my own happiness, and I work here to provide a future for them in the Philippines. I cannot prove what I say....but I know in my heart that I am telling the truth.
Finally, a psychologist, but probably not a religious person like yourself, would be interested to know that MOST of the relatives on my mother's side of the family killed themselves; my mother, her sister and two older brothers and her nephew. I tried, too. Is there something genetic in suicidal people? (Huh? - He's asking me?) I can only say that, under my current seemingly impossible situation, I cannot imagine taking that approach, due to the torture it would cause my family. I love my family unlike anything I have ever known in my life!!
{End of Email}
Monday, November 2, 2009
Day Forty-eight - More correspondence
I received an email today from Michele. She sent me a CD containing all of our correspondence. I already mentioned to you before that my computer crashed and my thumb drive was stolen so I lost most correspondence with Mr. J and others. Hopefully, when the CD arrives I can add more to this intense story.
Last night I was talking to a friend who hasn't read my blog but knows what it's about. She asked me if I was keeping up with the McKenzie Phillips story. I confess that I haven't kept up with it. She mentioned that at first she (McKenzie) was molested and even raped by her father but eventually it became consensual. How is that possible? How could it ever become consensual? She was raped and abused over a long time by her father? In order for it to become consensual she would have to have never been abused in the first place.
My husband and I were talking about it this morning. He said he had read Jack's first email again and was wondering what I was feeling about it right now. I expressed my questions about whether I did the right thing. His reaction to Jack's response was similar to those who felt he was manipulating the situation again. He was trying to gain sympathy. My husband helped me to stay level during this entire process.
I don't know what day it was with my response but probably before Thanksgiving. I replied with the following email.
Dear Jack, (By now I was finished with formalities.)
After I received your letter, I needed many hours to contemplate what you said, my feelings about what you said, the questions that arose, and how to respond. After receiving the second letter my own feelings have intensified. Understand when I say to you that I have forgiven you and have no vindictive agenda while proceeding. However, also understand that this is something that I have had to live with for 30 plus years. that the scars that are in me are permanent. Just because I have forgiven you, doesn't mean that I have no emotion regarding my past. In fact, it gives me more freedom to feel the pain.
You have attempted to place a tremendous burden again on me, by attempting to put the outcome of your life and your family's lives on my shoulders. That is not and never will be my responsibility. I will not accept any responsibility for any consequences that you might have to suffer. I resent the implication that your life and that of your family's is in my hands. It is not and never has been. Only God knows your heart, I can not and will not assume to know it. I do know, however, when God has revealed to me something that I have done that is wrong and that has hurt others, His word shows that I am to go to the person I have hurt and seek restitution and forgiveness. I'm not sure how any restitution has been sought by you. What actions have you taken to make it right with those of us who you abused? How have you shown us that you are willing to pay the price of your past actions? (Wow, I didn't remember that I was that strong!)
A verse that comes to mind is Psalm 51:17 which says, "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." As I said above, I do not presume to know your heart, but, I do know from my own experiences my responses to God when my heart is broken and contrite. You said in your second letter that you have "accepted" God. What exactly that means, I do not quite understand.
Last night I was talking to a friend who hasn't read my blog but knows what it's about. She asked me if I was keeping up with the McKenzie Phillips story. I confess that I haven't kept up with it. She mentioned that at first she (McKenzie) was molested and even raped by her father but eventually it became consensual. How is that possible? How could it ever become consensual? She was raped and abused over a long time by her father? In order for it to become consensual she would have to have never been abused in the first place.
My husband and I were talking about it this morning. He said he had read Jack's first email again and was wondering what I was feeling about it right now. I expressed my questions about whether I did the right thing. His reaction to Jack's response was similar to those who felt he was manipulating the situation again. He was trying to gain sympathy. My husband helped me to stay level during this entire process.
I don't know what day it was with my response but probably before Thanksgiving. I replied with the following email.
Dear Jack, (By now I was finished with formalities.)
After I received your letter, I needed many hours to contemplate what you said, my feelings about what you said, the questions that arose, and how to respond. After receiving the second letter my own feelings have intensified. Understand when I say to you that I have forgiven you and have no vindictive agenda while proceeding. However, also understand that this is something that I have had to live with for 30 plus years. that the scars that are in me are permanent. Just because I have forgiven you, doesn't mean that I have no emotion regarding my past. In fact, it gives me more freedom to feel the pain.
You have attempted to place a tremendous burden again on me, by attempting to put the outcome of your life and your family's lives on my shoulders. That is not and never will be my responsibility. I will not accept any responsibility for any consequences that you might have to suffer. I resent the implication that your life and that of your family's is in my hands. It is not and never has been. Only God knows your heart, I can not and will not assume to know it. I do know, however, when God has revealed to me something that I have done that is wrong and that has hurt others, His word shows that I am to go to the person I have hurt and seek restitution and forgiveness. I'm not sure how any restitution has been sought by you. What actions have you taken to make it right with those of us who you abused? How have you shown us that you are willing to pay the price of your past actions? (Wow, I didn't remember that I was that strong!)
A verse that comes to mind is Psalm 51:17 which says, "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." As I said above, I do not presume to know your heart, but, I do know from my own experiences my responses to God when my heart is broken and contrite. You said in your second letter that you have "accepted" God. What exactly that means, I do not quite understand.
There is a verse in Micah 6:9 in the Old Testament that says this. "He has shown you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." As I ponder over what these words mean it is important to identify the meaning of the words, "to act justly" and "to love mercy". I believe that the words "act justly" mean that God wants us to defend the defenseless, stand up for those who are unable to stand up for themselves and require "justice" according to the laws of man. If I were to see someone or even know of an innocent, defenseless person being hurt by another, I believe that it is my God given duty to do what I can in my power to make sure that person is protected from the abuser. If through my actions, the abuser is forced to suffer consequences, I see that as the responsibility of the abuser and not of the victim or the defender. In its simplest form that would be justice. On the other hand, "to love mercy", doesn't preclude the thought of acting justly. To love mercy, doesn't mean that one should look the other way when an injustice is occurring. To love mercy should include forgiveness and not include revenge, but doesn't necessarily remove the price that has to be paid for the injustice that has occurred.
As I read your letter, it seemed to carry with it a familiar tune or responsibility shirking or to use a more familiar term, "buck passing." It sounded more like a man desperate to save his own reputation and financial status, than a contrite man desiring to accept responsibility for his past actions. Your words were about you and how you feel and how this has affected you. I don't see evidence in them that you have understood the wounds that you inflicted on innocent young lives. I don't see remorse or sorrow or suffering for the pain you caused us; only for what you have caused for yourself. (I don't remember being this determined.)
It has raised many questions in me and I would like to be able to ask them and have them answered by you. I don't know what the outcome of this current situation will be. I am not the only one involved in this. I am one of a group of many, many women who are slowly coming forward with their stories.
Each time I read another story I receive from a woman who was subjected to your abuse, my heart breaks. One person, who is also involved with this correspondence is Michele Connor. She spent many hours at Miyake and was a witness to much of the abuse that went on. She was the one person who, when I asked for help, protected me. Unlike me, who carries the scars of the abuse against only me, she carries the scars of many. We are surrounded by a tremendous group of support. In addition to the other victims, we have been in touch with both past and current ASIJ administrators and teachers. Together, and with others, we will proceed as we understand what the right thing is to do.
I have a list of questions, but before I list those I have two very important issues to address. The first one that stands alone for me is regarding the statement you made saying, "I remember you because, as in the case of my other improper behavior, I really liked you." The reason this statement alone made such an impact on me is because of a recollection I have from an experience I had with you. Before I share that experience, let me share with you the affect you had on me and others.
I don't think you realize the impact you had on us. The methods of manipulation that you used to convince us that you were on our side, you made us feel like we were important. You made us feel different. To use the words of another former ASIJ alumnus: "We all looked up to Jack, the only adult in the world who made us feel important, who played music for us, who sang to us, who took thousands of pictures of us, told jokes and made us laugh, teaching us to dive and to take part in important adult biological research. He taught us fish names and stuff about the ocean. We felt so adult, so knowledgeable. To this day I can name ocean currents other people can't." What is so sad about this is that every bit of that is tainted with the fact that you used your influence to abuse so many girls.
My experience is that even after I stopped allowing you to abuse me, I still had a strong desire to be accepted by you. We left Japan in 1973 for one year. When I returned in 1974, the first thing I did was find out when the boat that carried you from Miyake was to return to Tokyo Bay. It was right before school started. I went out to meet the boat. I was so excited to see you. You came off the boat, walked right past me. When I saw you and expressed excitement to see you, you all but ignored me. Your response was one of sheer dismissal. At that moment I realized that I was not important to you; that I was a "has been". You had moved on to other people. I had lost my favored status.
I can't tell you how devastating that was to a young girl, who couldn't even comprehend the implications of being molested by a beloved teacher for several years. This is one of many scars I have carried for so many years. So, when you stated that you really liked me, I really question that statement to be true. I was a broken toy to be disposed of. Can you please explain that to me?
The second issue is pertaining to your continued reference of suicide. I am no expert on suicide, however, I have had to deal with this issue with my daughter and a boy she was dating. This boy manipulated my daughter into believing that if she ever broke up with him that he would commit suicide. The reason that he was so convincing to her was that his father had actually not just "cried wolf" but had succeeded to commit suicide. While I'm sure this was the most traumatic abuse any child could suffer (that being the cowardly act of suicide of his father), this boy then used this to further manipulate my daughter into feeling obligated to him, otherwise, he would kill himself. In fact, he claimed to have "saved my daughter's life, twice", and thus according to him, she was "indebted" to him for life. When I finally uncovered the "hold" this boy had on my daughter, I sat him down and said to him these words: " What your father did to you and your family was the act of a coward. Someone needed to tell you this. If you chose to follow in your father's footsteps, that responsibility lies SOLELY on your hands, not on my daughter's. Using the tool of attempting suicide in one of the most powerful manipulations one can use. You will not be allowed to put my daughter through that. You will no longer have any contact with her."
I will say the same to you. Should you choose to use that manipulative tool with me, my response is that you need help and I can't help you. Should you choose to commit suicide, your family will suffer the most; however, no one will be responsible except you for that cowardly act. If you care as deeply for them as you say, then you will stand up like a man and take responsibility for your actions.
The rest of this letter is very long and very deliberate. You may see more of my anger come through because I am still very angry. I've had many questions for a long time that for what ever reason, I haven't been able to get them answered. I'd like for you to listen to my pain, understand my suffering and then explain to me the things that I have asked you to explain.
With regard to the rest of the questions, they are as follows:
1. Why did you suspect that I might have been the "one" who contacted ASIJ in 2000?
2. How have you "taken responsibility" for your actions?
3. Why do you suppose being divorced or dealing with grief from your mother's death would "cause" you to molest children? Many people suffer through divorce, death of much worse and do not resort to child abuse.
4. When did you leave ASIJ? Was it permanent? Did anyone from the administration confront you prior to 2000? When did they? Who was it? Why did you leave ASIJ? What is the time reference to your leaving ASIJ and your going to Santa Barbara?
5. When did you return to Japan? Did you return to ASIJ? Did you resume your work with the Miyake program? What was the school's involvement with that? What were the terms of the arrangement between you and ASIJ? What, if anything, happened in 1990 after the "70's" reunion in Long Beach when you were nominated "favorite teacher" and then the award was pulled from you?
6. The use of the word "improper" is incredibly benign in describing these relationships. Did you tell your psychologist in Santa Barbara that you were a child sexual predator and that you had sexually abused many girls? If so, why would she/he not suggest you contact us and deal with the issue at that time? Any competent psychologist would have advised you to : 1) admit your problem and face it, 2) make restitution to those whom you abused, 3) be willing to suffer the consequences of your actions and 4) immediately stop being in contact of any form with children. (Please remember that I did not have a "how to book" when I wrote this email.)
7. Are you still in touch with the psychologist in Santa Barbara? I'd like to get in touch with him/her with your request of release of information.
8. You say you lived alone after that not interacting with any children. What, if any, was ASIJ's involvement in this?
9. You also mentioned that you didn't have any involvement with children after the 1970's yet you married a young (17 year old?) girl when you were 59. I'm not sure I follow that explanation.
10. You say you would like to contact the women I've communicated with to apologize to them, however, you have never tried to contact me. My name, address and email have been listed on the ASIJ site for 30 years. So, why now do you desire to contact others when you haven't to this point contacted me?
11. Who are the two women you have contacted? I'd like to verify this information.
12. In addition, I have at least seven women I know who were sexually abused by you. What are the names of those girls you remember molesting?
13. You say you don't work with children, yet many pictures on the web sites show your involvement with children directly in the ocean or in the programs you say other teachers are leading. How can you prove to me that you are not involved with children anywhere? Why can't your "schools" exist without your physical involvement? Your word is tremendously lacking in credibility. How can I be certain that you are not currently molesting any child, including your own children?
14. What do you mean by a limited fixed income? Are you receiving any compensation from retirement from ASIJ? If not, why not? Most people have mortgages for their home and any other properties. Many people have debts that exceed $40,000. In fact, $40,000 is a very low figure in the modern world. I'm not sure how your desire or lack there of to work in the Philippines has anything to do with this. I'm not sure how your current financial obligations have anything to do with this as well. People, all the time sell their assets when they are unable to pay for them. I don't see your family going to jail because they can't pay the debt. I could see that the beach property that you own in your wife's name could be sold to pay the debt you own.
15. If you are happily married and care for your children, then why are you separated from then? All of us who grew up in Japan had a bi-cultural experience. Why shouldn't they live with you in Japan?
16. What exactly do you mean by "a large extent?' Your statement reads, and I quote, "Please, Janet, understand that I have dealt with the problem, and to a large extent, succeeded."
17. I have offered to help you and you have requested my help, however, how do I know that this is not another manipulation ploy to get me to succumb to your emotional plea? What concrete evidence do you have to prove that what you are saying is true?
18. Who contacted you in 2000? You mentioned that two ASIJ administrators contacted you. What are their names?
19. What prompted your seeing a psychologist in April of 2003? Who is it? I'd like to speak with him/her. Have you shared with this psychologist your proclivity to abusing children sexually? You say you haven't resumed your molestations? How do I know that?
20. I spoke to your wife and she expressed concern of how this will affect her and your children. I resent the fact that SHE has been put in this position. In my opinion, she is as much or more so one of your victims. She just happened to marry you. I am so very sad that she is suffering the consequences of this and that you put her into a position of not only having to suffer your consequences but to try and plead your case for you. Does she know the details of your "problem" in the 70's?
21. One of the other "girls" remembered a time when we all went with you to several inaugurations for a Japanese boat company. She remembers being approached by a Japanese man from this company. He made sexual advances to her and she was able to fend him off. When she questioned you about his, your response was, "Well, a man does have needs." What was your involvement in this? I remember several times when we went to things with Japanese men. Was there some sort of young girls sex ring?
22. Evidence that this has taken so long to actually "come out", proves that you were either very selective in those who you chose to abuse or that all of us, ASIJ, our parents, those of us who were abused, were too stupid or weak to recognize the situation as it was and to fact it, regardless of the outcome. How did you decide who you were going to chose?
J, I don't know what the outcome will be with all of this. I do know this, that if you truly have "turned to God", then you are definitely at His mercy. I cannot, however, determine how His mercy looks. I have forgiven you a long time ago. I am not convinced by your words, however, that you have proven to me, without any doubt, that no other child will be a victim in your hands. It is not my responsibility to prove that. That burden of proof falls in your hands. I only hope you will be able to succeed. It would be my recommendation that you take my letters to you psychologist and discuss with him/her what you might do next.
As I read your letter, it seemed to carry with it a familiar tune or responsibility shirking or to use a more familiar term, "buck passing." It sounded more like a man desperate to save his own reputation and financial status, than a contrite man desiring to accept responsibility for his past actions. Your words were about you and how you feel and how this has affected you. I don't see evidence in them that you have understood the wounds that you inflicted on innocent young lives. I don't see remorse or sorrow or suffering for the pain you caused us; only for what you have caused for yourself. (I don't remember being this determined.)
It has raised many questions in me and I would like to be able to ask them and have them answered by you. I don't know what the outcome of this current situation will be. I am not the only one involved in this. I am one of a group of many, many women who are slowly coming forward with their stories.
Each time I read another story I receive from a woman who was subjected to your abuse, my heart breaks. One person, who is also involved with this correspondence is Michele Connor. She spent many hours at Miyake and was a witness to much of the abuse that went on. She was the one person who, when I asked for help, protected me. Unlike me, who carries the scars of the abuse against only me, she carries the scars of many. We are surrounded by a tremendous group of support. In addition to the other victims, we have been in touch with both past and current ASIJ administrators and teachers. Together, and with others, we will proceed as we understand what the right thing is to do.
I have a list of questions, but before I list those I have two very important issues to address. The first one that stands alone for me is regarding the statement you made saying, "I remember you because, as in the case of my other improper behavior, I really liked you." The reason this statement alone made such an impact on me is because of a recollection I have from an experience I had with you. Before I share that experience, let me share with you the affect you had on me and others.
I don't think you realize the impact you had on us. The methods of manipulation that you used to convince us that you were on our side, you made us feel like we were important. You made us feel different. To use the words of another former ASIJ alumnus: "We all looked up to Jack, the only adult in the world who made us feel important, who played music for us, who sang to us, who took thousands of pictures of us, told jokes and made us laugh, teaching us to dive and to take part in important adult biological research. He taught us fish names and stuff about the ocean. We felt so adult, so knowledgeable. To this day I can name ocean currents other people can't." What is so sad about this is that every bit of that is tainted with the fact that you used your influence to abuse so many girls.
My experience is that even after I stopped allowing you to abuse me, I still had a strong desire to be accepted by you. We left Japan in 1973 for one year. When I returned in 1974, the first thing I did was find out when the boat that carried you from Miyake was to return to Tokyo Bay. It was right before school started. I went out to meet the boat. I was so excited to see you. You came off the boat, walked right past me. When I saw you and expressed excitement to see you, you all but ignored me. Your response was one of sheer dismissal. At that moment I realized that I was not important to you; that I was a "has been". You had moved on to other people. I had lost my favored status.
I can't tell you how devastating that was to a young girl, who couldn't even comprehend the implications of being molested by a beloved teacher for several years. This is one of many scars I have carried for so many years. So, when you stated that you really liked me, I really question that statement to be true. I was a broken toy to be disposed of. Can you please explain that to me?
The second issue is pertaining to your continued reference of suicide. I am no expert on suicide, however, I have had to deal with this issue with my daughter and a boy she was dating. This boy manipulated my daughter into believing that if she ever broke up with him that he would commit suicide. The reason that he was so convincing to her was that his father had actually not just "cried wolf" but had succeeded to commit suicide. While I'm sure this was the most traumatic abuse any child could suffer (that being the cowardly act of suicide of his father), this boy then used this to further manipulate my daughter into feeling obligated to him, otherwise, he would kill himself. In fact, he claimed to have "saved my daughter's life, twice", and thus according to him, she was "indebted" to him for life. When I finally uncovered the "hold" this boy had on my daughter, I sat him down and said to him these words: " What your father did to you and your family was the act of a coward. Someone needed to tell you this. If you chose to follow in your father's footsteps, that responsibility lies SOLELY on your hands, not on my daughter's. Using the tool of attempting suicide in one of the most powerful manipulations one can use. You will not be allowed to put my daughter through that. You will no longer have any contact with her."
I will say the same to you. Should you choose to use that manipulative tool with me, my response is that you need help and I can't help you. Should you choose to commit suicide, your family will suffer the most; however, no one will be responsible except you for that cowardly act. If you care as deeply for them as you say, then you will stand up like a man and take responsibility for your actions.
The rest of this letter is very long and very deliberate. You may see more of my anger come through because I am still very angry. I've had many questions for a long time that for what ever reason, I haven't been able to get them answered. I'd like for you to listen to my pain, understand my suffering and then explain to me the things that I have asked you to explain.
With regard to the rest of the questions, they are as follows:
1. Why did you suspect that I might have been the "one" who contacted ASIJ in 2000?
2. How have you "taken responsibility" for your actions?
3. Why do you suppose being divorced or dealing with grief from your mother's death would "cause" you to molest children? Many people suffer through divorce, death of much worse and do not resort to child abuse.
4. When did you leave ASIJ? Was it permanent? Did anyone from the administration confront you prior to 2000? When did they? Who was it? Why did you leave ASIJ? What is the time reference to your leaving ASIJ and your going to Santa Barbara?
5. When did you return to Japan? Did you return to ASIJ? Did you resume your work with the Miyake program? What was the school's involvement with that? What were the terms of the arrangement between you and ASIJ? What, if anything, happened in 1990 after the "70's" reunion in Long Beach when you were nominated "favorite teacher" and then the award was pulled from you?
6. The use of the word "improper" is incredibly benign in describing these relationships. Did you tell your psychologist in Santa Barbara that you were a child sexual predator and that you had sexually abused many girls? If so, why would she/he not suggest you contact us and deal with the issue at that time? Any competent psychologist would have advised you to : 1) admit your problem and face it, 2) make restitution to those whom you abused, 3) be willing to suffer the consequences of your actions and 4) immediately stop being in contact of any form with children. (Please remember that I did not have a "how to book" when I wrote this email.)
7. Are you still in touch with the psychologist in Santa Barbara? I'd like to get in touch with him/her with your request of release of information.
8. You say you lived alone after that not interacting with any children. What, if any, was ASIJ's involvement in this?
9. You also mentioned that you didn't have any involvement with children after the 1970's yet you married a young (17 year old?) girl when you were 59. I'm not sure I follow that explanation.
10. You say you would like to contact the women I've communicated with to apologize to them, however, you have never tried to contact me. My name, address and email have been listed on the ASIJ site for 30 years. So, why now do you desire to contact others when you haven't to this point contacted me?
11. Who are the two women you have contacted? I'd like to verify this information.
12. In addition, I have at least seven women I know who were sexually abused by you. What are the names of those girls you remember molesting?
13. You say you don't work with children, yet many pictures on the web sites show your involvement with children directly in the ocean or in the programs you say other teachers are leading. How can you prove to me that you are not involved with children anywhere? Why can't your "schools" exist without your physical involvement? Your word is tremendously lacking in credibility. How can I be certain that you are not currently molesting any child, including your own children?
14. What do you mean by a limited fixed income? Are you receiving any compensation from retirement from ASIJ? If not, why not? Most people have mortgages for their home and any other properties. Many people have debts that exceed $40,000. In fact, $40,000 is a very low figure in the modern world. I'm not sure how your desire or lack there of to work in the Philippines has anything to do with this. I'm not sure how your current financial obligations have anything to do with this as well. People, all the time sell their assets when they are unable to pay for them. I don't see your family going to jail because they can't pay the debt. I could see that the beach property that you own in your wife's name could be sold to pay the debt you own.
15. If you are happily married and care for your children, then why are you separated from then? All of us who grew up in Japan had a bi-cultural experience. Why shouldn't they live with you in Japan?
16. What exactly do you mean by "a large extent?' Your statement reads, and I quote, "Please, Janet, understand that I have dealt with the problem, and to a large extent, succeeded."
17. I have offered to help you and you have requested my help, however, how do I know that this is not another manipulation ploy to get me to succumb to your emotional plea? What concrete evidence do you have to prove that what you are saying is true?
18. Who contacted you in 2000? You mentioned that two ASIJ administrators contacted you. What are their names?
19. What prompted your seeing a psychologist in April of 2003? Who is it? I'd like to speak with him/her. Have you shared with this psychologist your proclivity to abusing children sexually? You say you haven't resumed your molestations? How do I know that?
20. I spoke to your wife and she expressed concern of how this will affect her and your children. I resent the fact that SHE has been put in this position. In my opinion, she is as much or more so one of your victims. She just happened to marry you. I am so very sad that she is suffering the consequences of this and that you put her into a position of not only having to suffer your consequences but to try and plead your case for you. Does she know the details of your "problem" in the 70's?
21. One of the other "girls" remembered a time when we all went with you to several inaugurations for a Japanese boat company. She remembers being approached by a Japanese man from this company. He made sexual advances to her and she was able to fend him off. When she questioned you about his, your response was, "Well, a man does have needs." What was your involvement in this? I remember several times when we went to things with Japanese men. Was there some sort of young girls sex ring?
22. Evidence that this has taken so long to actually "come out", proves that you were either very selective in those who you chose to abuse or that all of us, ASIJ, our parents, those of us who were abused, were too stupid or weak to recognize the situation as it was and to fact it, regardless of the outcome. How did you decide who you were going to chose?
J, I don't know what the outcome will be with all of this. I do know this, that if you truly have "turned to God", then you are definitely at His mercy. I cannot, however, determine how His mercy looks. I have forgiven you a long time ago. I am not convinced by your words, however, that you have proven to me, without any doubt, that no other child will be a victim in your hands. It is not my responsibility to prove that. That burden of proof falls in your hands. I only hope you will be able to succeed. It would be my recommendation that you take my letters to you psychologist and discuss with him/her what you might do next.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Day Forty-seven - Harder and harder
It's getting harder and harder to continue writing. I'm not sure if it is lack of motivation or fear of going forward. It may be a little of both. As I re-read my last post ,I was reminded about a sermon our Associate Pastor preached when we lived in Nashville and attended Christ Presbyterian Church. His sermon was about defending the oppressed and how we are charged to help the poor and the widows and the orphans. During his sermon he was making a point and used the word "damn". Everyone exhaled and you could hear a collective gasp around the sanctuary. It was quite interesting, especially when he said, "I wonder how many of you are as shocked and distraught about defending the defenseless as you are about me using the word "damn" in a sermon." I think most everyone in that sanctuary that day wanted to crawl under the pews.
Along those same lines, I wonder how many of you are as "shocked" about the perverse abuse defenseless children face when under the spell of an abuser as you are about my use of the "f" word in my previous blog. Are we outraged at the use of a horribly descriptive word but don't react nearly as strongly when we hear about the descriptive act? When we turn our back on those who need us, we are admitting that we are not concerned with their circumstances, right?
On Friday, November 21, 2003, the email from Jack arrived in my inbox. This was one weekend before Thanksgiving. On Saturday, November 22, 2003, around 4:00 p.m. I replied.
Jack Moyer
I received your email. I need some time to think about everything. I will respond later. Janet
I don't have documented exactly what happened next but must deduce from the emails that certain things happened. During that weekend, I had been reading in the living room early one morning, when I heard the phone ring. I went to answer it. No one else was awake. The person on the other end sounded like a foreigner but because of the strong Hispanic influx in the south I assumed it was someone local who dialed the wrong number. I really couldn't understand the person on the other end and thought nothing of it. When the phone rang a second time, not too much later than the first I thought differently. The person on the other end asked to speak to, what sounded like, Michele. I was a bit confused and slowly connected the dots when she quickly said, "Janet." I knew then that Jack's wife was on the other end. I don't remember much of our conversation. I'm sure I recounted it to Michele and maybe she has written documentation of my memory of our conversation, but I don't have that with me. (Michele is sending me the information she has but I have not yet received it.) I'm sure she called to ask for compassion and mercy. I must have been nice to her because of the email I received from Jack on Monday, November 24.
That call really caused a lot of concern, fear, questioning and uncertainty among other things. By now I'm really questioning everything. Wondering if I'm doing the right thing. One thing that happened during this process was that Michele and I balanced each other. Sometimes the balance was good and other times maybe not so good. When I got scared, she would carry me through. When she got scared I would carry her through. We really didn't know what we were doing. There isn't a "how to" book on how to confront your abuser. Trust me, I looked for one. So we did the best we could, helping each other along the way.
So, on Monday, November 24, 2003 I received the following email from Jack:
Dear Janet,
Thank you for your reply. (Posted above.) My wife told me that she talked to you. I appreciate your kindness to her. I want to add a couple of points that were not in my last letter.
I got my doctoral degree from Tokyo University in marine ecology in 1984, based on research I did at Miyake in the 1970's. I quit ASIJ immediately and attempted to build a new life. I had been deeply troubled by my life at ASIJ for reasons mentioned in my last letter. My new life was in marine science. But, I could not run away from myself. So, during a period at the University of California at Santa Barbara, unable to escape from myself, I attempted to kill myself. At that time, as I mentioned, I received psychological help from two psychologists. I really needed someone to share my life with. My trouble with kids was mixed up terribly with my almost hermit life style (studying marine fishes alone at Miyake all the time). To make a long story short, I found Mrs. Moyer in the Philippines, we were married, and for the first time in my adult life I found fulfillment. We have two wonderful kids, and I am doing my best to be a good father and husband.
In 2000, the Miyake volcano erupted, and it is still erupting. I lost my house and my jobs, but I had developed a reputation in Japan as an expert on the ocean environment, and I have been able to find work. My name is well known, and lots of programs use my name, but I am merely a figurehead (I get money, which I need to pay for my kids education and my family's subsistence). I am leading a lonely life in Japan and they are in the Philippines. I think my children should have roots, and they will live in the Philippines after I die, so it is best that they get a good education there. The so-called "Jack Moyer Ocean School" is run by another person, with his own staff. I am his "partner", but it is an honorary position....but of course I receive payment for my participation in the schools, which is like I told you in the last letter.....formal...lectures, greetings, final words at departures. I had a heart attack six years ago, and I need a full 8 hours of sleep to control an irregular heart-beat, so I live in totally separate quarters from the programs and I have, as I said, no informal relationships with the students (in any of the programs.....adult, family or young people.)
I have tried to erase my past, and for periods of time I have been successful....thanks largely to the perfect marriage I have. Your contact with ASIJ in 2000 forced me to face my past again. It has not been easy, and I began seeing a psychologist again in April of this year.... not due to a sick kind of dependency on children, as I did in your era, because that is all behind me, but due to a shame and a self-hate that I just cannot shake off.. Your letter last Saturday, brought the me of the 1970's back to me, again, very vividly.
As you think things over, please trust and believe that I have really changed from the confused, messed-up individual you knew. I am attempting to give my family a good life after I die. I greatly regret what happened. The people I harmed were kids I had a great, but, under the circumstances, unhealthy affection for.....the last people I wanted to hurt. I was not a cold, plotting predator, I was a very troubled, very messed up individual. I realized that and quit ASIJ. I have received and am receiving help. I pray that you will understand that I am no longer a threat to anyone and that I feel extreme pain over the person who I was and over what I did in those days.
I ask you to allow me to continue my work.... not for my sake, but for the sake of my precious wife and children.
Please, Janet. I have accepted God, and I am at His mercy, as well as yours. Please allow me to finish my life in a way that will not hurt others. My wife faces legal problems related to loans, as I said, if I am not around to pay them, and my kids will be thrown into Philippine poverty. Please forgive me for what I did, and trust in God and in my word that I am far removed from that world today.
I pray for your forgiveness.
This email came on the Monday before the Thanksgiving holidays.
Along those same lines, I wonder how many of you are as "shocked" about the perverse abuse defenseless children face when under the spell of an abuser as you are about my use of the "f" word in my previous blog. Are we outraged at the use of a horribly descriptive word but don't react nearly as strongly when we hear about the descriptive act? When we turn our back on those who need us, we are admitting that we are not concerned with their circumstances, right?
On Friday, November 21, 2003, the email from Jack arrived in my inbox. This was one weekend before Thanksgiving. On Saturday, November 22, 2003, around 4:00 p.m. I replied.
Jack Moyer
I received your email. I need some time to think about everything. I will respond later. Janet
I don't have documented exactly what happened next but must deduce from the emails that certain things happened. During that weekend, I had been reading in the living room early one morning, when I heard the phone ring. I went to answer it. No one else was awake. The person on the other end sounded like a foreigner but because of the strong Hispanic influx in the south I assumed it was someone local who dialed the wrong number. I really couldn't understand the person on the other end and thought nothing of it. When the phone rang a second time, not too much later than the first I thought differently. The person on the other end asked to speak to, what sounded like, Michele. I was a bit confused and slowly connected the dots when she quickly said, "Janet." I knew then that Jack's wife was on the other end. I don't remember much of our conversation. I'm sure I recounted it to Michele and maybe she has written documentation of my memory of our conversation, but I don't have that with me. (Michele is sending me the information she has but I have not yet received it.) I'm sure she called to ask for compassion and mercy. I must have been nice to her because of the email I received from Jack on Monday, November 24.
That call really caused a lot of concern, fear, questioning and uncertainty among other things. By now I'm really questioning everything. Wondering if I'm doing the right thing. One thing that happened during this process was that Michele and I balanced each other. Sometimes the balance was good and other times maybe not so good. When I got scared, she would carry me through. When she got scared I would carry her through. We really didn't know what we were doing. There isn't a "how to" book on how to confront your abuser. Trust me, I looked for one. So we did the best we could, helping each other along the way.
So, on Monday, November 24, 2003 I received the following email from Jack:
Dear Janet,
Thank you for your reply. (Posted above.) My wife told me that she talked to you. I appreciate your kindness to her. I want to add a couple of points that were not in my last letter.
I got my doctoral degree from Tokyo University in marine ecology in 1984, based on research I did at Miyake in the 1970's. I quit ASIJ immediately and attempted to build a new life. I had been deeply troubled by my life at ASIJ for reasons mentioned in my last letter. My new life was in marine science. But, I could not run away from myself. So, during a period at the University of California at Santa Barbara, unable to escape from myself, I attempted to kill myself. At that time, as I mentioned, I received psychological help from two psychologists. I really needed someone to share my life with. My trouble with kids was mixed up terribly with my almost hermit life style (studying marine fishes alone at Miyake all the time). To make a long story short, I found Mrs. Moyer in the Philippines, we were married, and for the first time in my adult life I found fulfillment. We have two wonderful kids, and I am doing my best to be a good father and husband.
In 2000, the Miyake volcano erupted, and it is still erupting. I lost my house and my jobs, but I had developed a reputation in Japan as an expert on the ocean environment, and I have been able to find work. My name is well known, and lots of programs use my name, but I am merely a figurehead (I get money, which I need to pay for my kids education and my family's subsistence). I am leading a lonely life in Japan and they are in the Philippines. I think my children should have roots, and they will live in the Philippines after I die, so it is best that they get a good education there. The so-called "Jack Moyer Ocean School" is run by another person, with his own staff. I am his "partner", but it is an honorary position....but of course I receive payment for my participation in the schools, which is like I told you in the last letter.....formal...lectures, greetings, final words at departures. I had a heart attack six years ago, and I need a full 8 hours of sleep to control an irregular heart-beat, so I live in totally separate quarters from the programs and I have, as I said, no informal relationships with the students (in any of the programs.....adult, family or young people.)
I have tried to erase my past, and for periods of time I have been successful....thanks largely to the perfect marriage I have. Your contact with ASIJ in 2000 forced me to face my past again. It has not been easy, and I began seeing a psychologist again in April of this year.... not due to a sick kind of dependency on children, as I did in your era, because that is all behind me, but due to a shame and a self-hate that I just cannot shake off.. Your letter last Saturday, brought the me of the 1970's back to me, again, very vividly.
As you think things over, please trust and believe that I have really changed from the confused, messed-up individual you knew. I am attempting to give my family a good life after I die. I greatly regret what happened. The people I harmed were kids I had a great, but, under the circumstances, unhealthy affection for.....the last people I wanted to hurt. I was not a cold, plotting predator, I was a very troubled, very messed up individual. I realized that and quit ASIJ. I have received and am receiving help. I pray that you will understand that I am no longer a threat to anyone and that I feel extreme pain over the person who I was and over what I did in those days.
I ask you to allow me to continue my work.... not for my sake, but for the sake of my precious wife and children.
Please, Janet. I have accepted God, and I am at His mercy, as well as yours. Please allow me to finish my life in a way that will not hurt others. My wife faces legal problems related to loans, as I said, if I am not around to pay them, and my kids will be thrown into Philippine poverty. Please forgive me for what I did, and trust in God and in my word that I am far removed from that world today.
I pray for your forgiveness.
This email came on the Monday before the Thanksgiving holidays.
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