Thursday, February 11, 2010

Day Sixty - two

Jack returned from the Philippines after the Christmas and New Year holiday, and we put on the pressure. He was still resistant, not wanting to admit that working with children was not okay. He was concerned about his reputation. We sent several correspondences requesting that he stop working with children through his schools through-out Japan. He continued to try to convince us that he didn't have anything to "do" with the children and that the only reason his picture was on the website showing him working with children was for a photo op. We began putting on the pressure for him to cease and desist. He continued to resist. We continued to pressure.

On January 10, 2004, roughly 5:30p.m.EST, as I was getting ready to go out for the evening with my husband, I received a call from a friend and fellow SBMK. She said, "Janet, I don't know if you heard or not, but Jack was found dead in Tokyo. They think he committed suicide."

I remember sitting on my bed, letting the realization sink in. My biggest fear, the thing I did not want to happen, just came to realization. As I sat on my bed, many different feelings came to pass. Some feelings of relief, others of guilt, and then those of quiet contemplation. I remembered wanting Jack's approval. I remembered wanting to fit in and he provided that. I remembered wanting to be one of the "cool" kids. I remembered the confusion. I remembered wanting to be accepted for me, not for just some - body. I remembered being vulnerable and gullible (I still am to a certain degree). I remember being called TH&H - totally helpless and hopeless, I remembered telling him "no" and then being an outcast, non-entity, a reject. Then I remembered picking up the pieces and making it on my own. Returning to my "homeland" at 17 - just turned 17 - and my "homeland" wasn't my own. I was still so young. Still so vulnerable. Still so susceptible. But, GOD, in His incredible grace and sovereign knowledge,and infinite mercy placed me in His arms and made me strong. He helped me get through it. I was going to be okay. I made it this far didn't I?

I called Michele. She found out early that morning. She didn't want to tell me. I understood why. But, I was a lot better than even I thought I would be. I was determined not to let him overcome me or over power me, even in his death.

My husband and I continued with our plans that night. Both Michele and I realized we had to address this the next day. But, life would go on. Our horrible past would still live. And we all were NOT better for the outcome. But somehow, we were able to persevere.