Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Day Fifty-six

While we were going back and forth with this correspondence with Jack, Michele was in the process of developing a website which would have exposed Jack to the world. She set out very carefully and diligently planning and preparing for it to be published. I must admit, this was very scary to me. I wasn't sure I wanted her to do that and we shared our concerns, fears, anxiety etc. about it. In the same way, sending a letter to the parents of ASIJ students, I'm not sure what felt bad about it except that I guess I felt exposed with that kind of public display. Sometimes, when you go through this stuff you feel like you are being violated all over again and I suppose that's how it felt.

The other night I had a dream and Jack and his wife were in it. We were at some kind of function, outdoors, and I was attempting to avoid him. He kept on calling my name, asking me why I was avoiding him. I continued to bypass, sidestep, ignore, and avoid him and in my dream he was very confident and wasn't reacting very timid or puppy dogish (for those of you who knew him - you would understand the puppy dog comment.) In my dream I never looked directly at him. I kept thinking, doesn't he know what he's done? I guess that makes sense based on the emails I'm rereading now. He didn't get it did he? Even though he admitted to the abuse, he really didn't believe it was abuse. To him it was just a innocent relationship. Wow! What a convoluted mind.

I would like to continue writing but my husband took our laptop to work and it has all my emails and files on it so I can't continue until he brings it home. So for now...... I hope you all have a wonderful and productive day.

God be with you......

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