I wrote this Wednesday night but chose to wait until now to post. Didn't want to mess up anyone's Thanksgiving. I hope it was great!!
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
First and foremost - Happy Thanksgiving!! For some reason I have been extra excited about the holidays this year. We were going to go to my Dad's (out in the beautiful Mississippi country) but.....you guessed it.....football kept us from leaving town. The Catholic High Bears are proceeding to the quarter finals and Friday night we face Acadiana - from Lafayette, LA. It will be an interesting night. The boys have practiced all week, even Thanksgiving morning. Talk about dedication.
I have been busy with work and getting ready for everyone to come to my house so I haven't had any opportunity to sit down and write. However, now that most of my house is asleep and I'm still up cooking for tomorrow, I thought I would use the bake time for the cornbread to sit down and write.
After Michele and I sent the two emails on December 5. We received the following email back from Jack. I will caution you about several things. I'm only going to edit people's names and any identifiable reference, otherwise, everything else is exactly the way Jack wrote it. Please don't read it if you are easily offended. If you are offended, please take it out on a sex offender and not me.
We received this response somewhere around Dec. 6 or 7.
Hi, Michele. I will do my best to answer your questions, plus a couple that Janet asked me in another mail and requested that I answer to you.
I will definitely do my best. Obviously, this is deeply on my mind, and I will be thinking a lot about it while I am in the Philippines. It is possible that I really have forgotten an incident, but I don't think so. I will add anything that I remember after I get back from the Philippines. True, I did not list everybody in my first responses to you and Janet. I was still at the self-defense, panic stage. I was not yet willing to accept my guilt...which I had managed to put into the back of my mind and hope it would just go away. Much has happened within me in the last three weeks, and I am ready to face it, as I did with my wife two days ago.
1. My first encounter was with XXX in the late 60's., It was in the summer between her junior and senior year in high school, and it was before I was given my Miyake house. We had another house in Tsubota, where 8 high school seniors (recent juniors) (4 boys and 4 girls) acted as teaching assistants to the local English teachers at the three middle schools and one high school on Miyake. I don't remember how it started. The first affectionate encounter I remember was when she gave me a massage one evening during the program. I was attracted to her, and I felt a real affection for her. She came back later in the summer, and it was then, that we had our first sex. We went for a walk to the rocky shore below Tsubota and she masturbated me. I don't remember for sure, but I think I kissed her breasts. I did many times later, because our relationship became deep during her senior year. There was no sexual intercourse but once we put ketchup on each others private parts and licked it off. Much of our relationship was in several visits to the hotel Okura, and lasted about 2 hours. We planned to get married. My former wife had left me and I decided to file for a divorce. She came back, and XXX and I announced to her our decision to get married. XXX went off to college, promising to come back, but, of course, her interests and perspective changed in college and she never came back...but she sent both of her kids to the ASIJ Miyake Program, obviously not expecting me to harm them. She was 17 when the relationship started, and 18 or possibly 19 when it ended.
2. I do not remember her name. I have tried hard. She came to Miyake for a visit with her friends (two of whom he named - can't remember her name but could remember her friends name?) I slept next to her, and I kissed her several times on the lips before we went to sleep on two of the three nights they were there. It was the year that I was given my Miyake house. It was during the rainy season, so it must have been just after school got out. She was a 7th grader, so she was probably 12.
3. XXX I had become attracted to her when she was in 7th grade. My first abuse of XXX was at Miyake during the summer of her 7th grade year. I used to rub and kiss her legs and feet...I slept at the foot of her futon. Once I looked at, but did not touch, her breast. I was too selfish and stupid at the time to know it, but I really, really upset her and hurt her. She told me in two letters some years later how deeply it hurt her. I do not know where she is now. I remember late 60's early 70's as the period this took place.
4. XXX. At the same time as above. The story is almost identical. I fondled and kissed her legs and feet. I later massaged her buttocks, but nothing else. I really had a crush on her, and after she moved (in 8th grade), I wrote to her EVERY day. I visited her at her knew location. It was she who told me that my mother had died (she did not know it was suicide). She also told me to stop writing letters because her sister was "getting suspicious". She threw all of my letters into a culvert during a heavy rainstorm. We never were in contact again after my visit.
5. XXX. I was first attracted to her during the very first Miyake Program. She came back for the summer, when her family traveled around the world. She slept in her bikini, and I used to kiss her all over her body (but never on her genitals, which I never saw). Again, I really had a crush on her. She returned to Miyake until she moved back to the states. I cried as I watched her plane getting smaller in the distance when she left Miyake-jima for the last time.
6. XXX I first met XXX during the Miyake Program at the end of her 7th grade year, I believe. She says that she was 11, I assumed she was 12 because most 7th graders are. Obviously, both 11 and 12 are under 17. It started when she asked if she could steer the car. I let her sit on my lap and steer. She was wearing a T-shirt and no bra. I reached under the T-shirt and fondled her breasts. We did this many times. XXX came to Miyake many times. I remember nothing sexually that happened at night or in bed, but I do clearly remember the fondling of her breasts in the car.
7. XXX It began when she was in grade 8. She was living in a missionary dorm. We would walk my dogs together each morning. She came to my house and knocked on the door. One morning, I wasn't fully dressed when I let her in. I had become attached to her and I suppose I had hugged her previously. At any rate, on this morning, she masturbated me, and it became a daily affair. I would not lock the door. She would just come in in the morning, crawl in bed with me, and masturbate me. I can't remember if oral sex was involved at that time, but I am sure that I must have kissed her breasts. Later, we had very intense oral sex, leading to orgasms for both of us. XXX took a trip to the Yaeyama Islands with me and spent several summers at Miyake, during my lab days (when I was doing my most significant research). Later she moved into my house near ASIJ, and we had periodic sex. Janet asked more details about our recent contact. I had written to XXX in the 1980s and asked her to come and join me. I wanted a permanent relationship with her. But, obviously, she had a child, with school needs, and I had no income and lived on Miyake. It was not in the cards. I met my wife a couple of years later, and my life changed magnificently! Later, XXX called me on the phone and asked me about my pedophile tendencies. I denied them and I probably told her that she was the only one. I was very scared and put up a self-defense shield (much like my first reactions to both of you). I apologized, but I never asked her (until a few days ago) to tell her side of the story. Once, I really hurt her. It was the last time we slept together. I was feeling very sad already, because XXX (who has subsequently passed away) was leaving Miyake. She was married and had been living on Miyake for some time. I was "father of the bride" at their wedding. My relationship with her was clean and totally adult and nonsexual. After intercourse with XXX, I was feeling sad about XXX departure the next day, and I also mentioned that I was feeling sad about XXX departure. This really hurt XXX! I will never forget it! I had no intention of hurting her, and I never should have mentioned my sadness over the departure of another woman (a superb friend, but not a sexual or romantic partner). I suppose this is one of the wounds that I left on XXX. I have asked for XXX story, and I wonder if this particular episode will come up. Last year I sent her a Christmas card. She didn't answer it. On several occasions we had sexual intercourse. The relationship began in early 70's.
8. XXX Late 70's? In her 8th grade year. We were walking my dogs on the golf course. I held her hand. She said, "I know what you want. Let's go back." We went to my house. We both stripped and we embraced for a long time, but we did not fondle or kiss or touch each other, other than the hugging embrace. I remember saying, "Thank God for you."
9. XXX Grade 8, so 13? In the mid- to late 70s. I had coached her basketball team and she had been to Miyake. It was on a field trip to Miyake, but the boat got canceled and we went to the southern Miura Peninsula instead. I slept next to her, hugged her, kissed her, fondled her breasts and even touched her vagina. I had a special liking for her for a long time before that. We never had another encounter,
but she wrote a wonderful letter about me to XXX at the time of the volcano. I suppose she did not understand that I had abused other girls, too.
10. XXX was in high school...late 70's. We had become friends walking my dogs in Tokyo, and I first molested her by fondling her legs and feet. I think she was about 15 at the time. She was older when I did the worst thing to her. We went to Miyake together, and I pressured her into undressing. She protested, but at night we slept side by side, and she masturbated me and I had oral sex with her. I recall no episode when she was 9 years old. Maybe she meant 9th grade. I seriously recall no episode other than those I have told you about. She was under 18 however, in all of our encounters. There were several times when she came to my house after school and I fondled her legs. In my memory, it was after 7th grade, which would have made her older than what you have told me.
11. XXX was my last pedophilic encounter. It happened on a trip to Miyake. I got drunk, which in itself is enough to get me fired from ASIJ. I undressed her and had oral sex with her. She would not touch me and seemed scared. I felt very guilty afterward, and perhaps she was one of the key reasons I swore to myself to change my life. She was in grade 8, I think... maybe as late as early to mid 80's. She wrote me once after she returned to the states a couple of years later. It was a friendly letter. I have no idea what has happened since.
12. XXX...late 70's early 80's. She came to me to ask for help. She had been sexually approached by a high school kid...I don't remember his name. I had a high profile scientist guest at the time, and listened to XXX story outside. We developed a strong bond, starting at that time and continuing when she was having problems at ASIJ. I helped her out and she and her family were very grateful to me. This was the last and the most painful of my relationships with anyone, kids to adults, until I met and married my wife...which was the best thing that has ever happened to me. I did not mention it before, because we had promised each other not to ever tell anyone.
It took about two years before my wife and my pair bond was solid and wonderful. I hated myself and she hated herself. That is not a good combination. But, we healed each other to a large extent...that's another story.
I found my wife. I said earlier in an email that she had truly saved me, and I honestly believe that. There are others towards whom I was attracted, but whom I never abused: XXX - Age 12. I gave her one of the gifts that XXX gave me, with XXX's permission, of course. XXX 13, I touched her legs and feet. Is that abuse? I guess it is. It was at Miyake and I had been giving her diving lessons. XXX, I admired her courage, both as a scuba diver (she was scared of deep water) and as a gymnast. I liked her. I never abused her. XXX (first met at Miyake, when she was 12. She is still my good friend and I sometimes see her. I never abused her in any way. She has become a good marine biologist.
Also friends, in Michele's era XXX, XXX, and XXX I never abused them, but I liked them a lot. XXX and XXX came to visit me several years ago at Miyake. Both were married to criminal lawyers and had families. XXX was considering going back to college to study marine biology. She wrote me a letter later on.
I honestly think that that about covers it. I am thinking about this almost
all of the time. If other things come back to me during my Philippine
trip, I will relate them to you. I am sincerely trying to let it all out. I
had feelings after each of these encounters. I will relate them to you
if you want me to...but they are about me, and not about my victims.
I hope this is a satisfactory beginning. This is frightening, because
people actually do forget. I am really trying to face this and be totally
honest. Jack
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Day Fifty-seven
I'm sorry it's taking me so long to get back to the computer. Of course, football is still consuming our lives. Wil's team made it to the State Playoffs. They won the first two games so that has pretty much determined what we are doing for Thanksgiving. He has practice on Thanksgiving morning so we're staying in BR and Daddy and Chuck's mom are coming here. We should have some fun!!
As I mentioned before, Michele was looking at creating a website that would have exposed Jack publicly. She went ahead and set up a domain name which was: www.stop-JackTMoyer.com. As I'm reminded about all of this and re-reading the emails that went back and forth between Michele and my oldest brother about setting up a website and other stuff, I remember the feeling of fear I had during this time. I know previously I shared my feelings of fear. Now that I look back on that, I think my fear was more for him and his reaction than it was for my own exposure. Remember that I shared with my counselor friend that I was most scared that Jack would commit suicide. I don't really know for sure what I wanted to gain from all this and I guess to some degree I believed him. But, not being certain I had to make sure other children wouldn't suffer through what others and I had suffered. But, even so still my concern was for his well being. That's just weird.
In one of the articles about Jaycee Dugard, the young woman who was held captive by her abuser for 18 years, a therapist describes how the victim often begins relating to the abuser. This is more common than you think, even having been named by the psychiatrist and criminologist from the case in Stockholm where bank robbers held bank employees hostage for 6 days and the victims became attached emotionally to the bank robbers and defended them after they were freed - thus the name Stockholm Syndrome.
From the Jaycee Dugard Article:
Kryder, who has worked extensively with trauma victims in her Colorado Springs practice, says that over the years, Jaycee was very probably subjected to “intermittent reinforcement.” In such cases, Kryder stated, “the captor alternates between being cruel and kind.” This behavior, Kryder says, has a stronger effect on the victim than if the captor was always kind or always cruel. And it leads, she says, to a condition known as “traumatic bonding.” In other words, despite her horrific mistreatment, Jaycee still has (as she herself told her family) positive feelings toward her captor.
That also explains how, even though I had been sexually abused for three years, even after Michele helped me, when I returned to Tokyo after our year long furlough, I immediately went to find Jack at Tokyo Bay. And why his dismissal of me was so deflating.
Okay, now back to the sequential emails. After my angry response to Michele regarding Jack's email to her, she wrote me back later on Dec. 3.
Dear Janet,
Good response. I like the way you find things that I miss. It's almost too much to absorb, isn't it. It's part of my denial still. I am going to use some of these points when I get around to composing a letter to Jack.
I have tried calling his wife at all hours. Her maid answers. I called at 8am. I called at 9pm. I called midday for her. My last call the maid gave me her cell phone. I couldn't get through from here. The maid either lives in, or was left all afternoon with the kids. Something is not right.
Hey Janet, this woman has a cell phone and a maid. This is what Jack calls poverty? I think not. I have found it takes a while to get a response, if we are lucky enough to get one at all. _______ was proof of that. I never thought I would hear from her, but I guess it's just such a shock.
This is just a thought. Would you consider addressing Jack directly with your thoughts? Or do you not want to re-open Pandora's box. I will make these points when I write him. It will take me a few days. There is just so much to deal with. And, I want to talk to his wife next.
Michele
My response to Michele:
Yea, I found it very interesting that they have a maid and a cell phone. I also have a cell phone, but most certainly don't have a MAID.
I like the fact that Jack thinks he's going behind my back when he's speaking with you. It seems to give him justification in presenting his side as reasonable. It appears interesting to me that he thinks he's got you on his side. I just wonder if maybe we (together) wrote the response, but you came at it as if you were trying to help me understand him and that you are like the mediator. That way he can say the things against me to make you more understand him and we'll get more truth out of it. What do you think? Janet
Michele's reply:
You are right. Playing good cop bad cop always works. Why don't you start by writing a response and send it to me. Then I can add to it. But remember, I still want to (1) talk to his wife (2) get his list of victims and (3) get a list of schools he teaches at. Michele
Keep in mind that during this time we are still being contacted by former students from ASIJ. Do you remember the girl I told you about who actually lived with Jack at his house when she was a sophomore in high school? She told Michele and me that when she confronted Jack about her abuse, he told her she was the only young person with whom he had a relationship. I assume she asked him if she was the only one or were there others.
After the previous emails I was really mad at Jack. He wasn't being straight with us (what did we expect). We were working with a counseling group in Japan called TELL (Tokyo English Life Line), which had been set up during the 70's to provide a crisis hotline for English speaking people in Japan. They were willing to help us verify that Jack was doing what we asked him to do. Also, we were able to check out his story about his counseling sessions with the psychologist he was claiming to use.
On December 5 I sent Jack the following email:
I have been reading your correspondence back and forth to Michele. This is growing very tiresome and making me very weary. To say the least, it's taking a tremendous amount of energy away from my children and family.
Believe it or not, Michele and I do not have a vindictive vendetta and are not "out to get you", much to your disappointment, I'm sure. This is not about you anymore. It's about protecting children from you.
You tell us that you are not abusing children anymore and haven't for 20 years. You want us to take your word. Your word is about as worthless as the email being sent. According to xxx, you lied to her last year and told her that she was the only person you sexually abused. Imagine her amazement when we talked and I told her she was one of many.
You have yet to identify all your victims. I know of at least three people you didn't name. Do you remember them?
It's obvious to me that we cannot convince you that you are and always will be dangerous to children. You have asked, "what can I do to prove it to you?" I have come up with some tangible ways that you can prove to us that you are no longer a threat to children. Michele and I are not responsible to come up with ways you can prove to us, you must take responsibility for that. We have already suffered 30 or more years of this. I'm ready for it to be over and quickly!!
1. Contact ASIJ and admit your abuse to their students, identify them and give them details. In addition, talk with them about any consequences or actions they might like to take.
2. Contact TELL, the agency in Japan that works with children and others who have psychological issues and communicate with them and come up with a plan that will convince Michele and me that you are no longer working with children.
3. Inform all the organizations you are working with about your past behavior. Come up with a plan that would prove to Michele and me that you have done this. Maybe they can communicate to someone at TELL or another agreeable source.
4. Tell your wife the truth about the ages of your abuse victims. Have her contact us to let us know that you have done so.
6. Stay in psychological care until the day you die and have a plan that communicates your progress to an acceptable mediator that can communicate with us from time to time your progress.
7. Register your name with the Child Sexual Offender registry. If there is no such registry in Japan, find another acceptable substitute for us.
At the same time, Michele sent Jack this email below. My next post will be his response. You will find it UNBELIEVABLE!!
Dear Jack,
I spoke to your wife. That part of the mission is accomplished. The following is our next step. Please answer all these questions. Jack, I'm going to caution you that if give us any more pat answers I am not going to tolerate it. We have caught you lying several times already. We have a list of victims, and if you miss one, we will not accept "forgot" as any excuse. It should be thorough, and it better include them all. If you don't remember a name, say so, but indicate an age, time and what happened. Remember the definition "under 18."
Michele
On December 8 I wrote the following:
Jack,
I will write my story while you are gone to the Philippines. While you are gone I want you to be thinking about some things.
However, before you leave I'd like you to answer these questions and send them to Michele. I hesitate to get back into a dialogue with you that's why I don't want you to send me the answers.
1. What about xxxx?
2. Tell me how you were in communications with xxx last year and what you told her. There are some conflicting statements and I'm having a difficult time "taking your word" because of them.
3. While you are gone I'd really like for you to think about your victims. There are several you have't named. I want a more complete list. Make sure you include everyone who falls under the following categories:
The definition of a victim quoted from the book "Child Abuse and Neglect." Dr. Carol C. Nadelson, Author. "Child sexual abuse is any sexual behavior directed toward a child or adolescent under 18 by a person who has power over that youth. Sexual abuse that involves physical contact could entail fondling the child's genitals, getting the child to fondle the offenders genitals, rubbing the offenders genitals on the child, engaging in oral sex, or making anal or vaginal penetration." THIS CONSTITUTES ABUSE WHETHER OR NOT IT IS CONSENSUAL! A CHILD IS NOT ABLE TO HAVE CONSENSUAL SEX WITH AN ADULT! I'm going to add a little more I believe she neglected.
Any person who you approached but didn't actually engage would fall under a lessor but some form of abuse. This includes, but is not limited to, climbing into bed with them regardless of what you did once there. If you wouldn't do it in front of another adult assume it was abuse. Even verbal propositioning....
4. You have stated multiple times that the children you molested were in the 70's era. If this is so what caused you to stop? What happened in 84 for you to leave ASIJ? Please give us extensive details of all of this.
This is an extremely difficult but necessary process. Believe me when I say this, it is not a delight to Michele or me. We would much rather be spending our time doing thousands of other things, however, until we feel we have accomplished our goal of making sure no other child is a potential victim, we will continue. Trust is a funny thing. It takes years to build but only one second to tear down. We've only been in touch with you for three weeks. Trust takes years.
Please send your response to Michele and I will get back with you after you return. Janet
Stay tuned to his response.
As I mentioned before, Michele was looking at creating a website that would have exposed Jack publicly. She went ahead and set up a domain name which was: www.stop-JackTMoyer.com. As I'm reminded about all of this and re-reading the emails that went back and forth between Michele and my oldest brother about setting up a website and other stuff, I remember the feeling of fear I had during this time. I know previously I shared my feelings of fear. Now that I look back on that, I think my fear was more for him and his reaction than it was for my own exposure. Remember that I shared with my counselor friend that I was most scared that Jack would commit suicide. I don't really know for sure what I wanted to gain from all this and I guess to some degree I believed him. But, not being certain I had to make sure other children wouldn't suffer through what others and I had suffered. But, even so still my concern was for his well being. That's just weird.
In one of the articles about Jaycee Dugard, the young woman who was held captive by her abuser for 18 years, a therapist describes how the victim often begins relating to the abuser. This is more common than you think, even having been named by the psychiatrist and criminologist from the case in Stockholm where bank robbers held bank employees hostage for 6 days and the victims became attached emotionally to the bank robbers and defended them after they were freed - thus the name Stockholm Syndrome.
From the Jaycee Dugard Article:
Kryder, who has worked extensively with trauma victims in her Colorado Springs practice, says that over the years, Jaycee was very probably subjected to “intermittent reinforcement.” In such cases, Kryder stated, “the captor alternates between being cruel and kind.” This behavior, Kryder says, has a stronger effect on the victim than if the captor was always kind or always cruel. And it leads, she says, to a condition known as “traumatic bonding.” In other words, despite her horrific mistreatment, Jaycee still has (as she herself told her family) positive feelings toward her captor.
That also explains how, even though I had been sexually abused for three years, even after Michele helped me, when I returned to Tokyo after our year long furlough, I immediately went to find Jack at Tokyo Bay. And why his dismissal of me was so deflating.
Okay, now back to the sequential emails. After my angry response to Michele regarding Jack's email to her, she wrote me back later on Dec. 3.
Dear Janet,
Good response. I like the way you find things that I miss. It's almost too much to absorb, isn't it. It's part of my denial still. I am going to use some of these points when I get around to composing a letter to Jack.
I have tried calling his wife at all hours. Her maid answers. I called at 8am. I called at 9pm. I called midday for her. My last call the maid gave me her cell phone. I couldn't get through from here. The maid either lives in, or was left all afternoon with the kids. Something is not right.
Hey Janet, this woman has a cell phone and a maid. This is what Jack calls poverty? I think not. I have found it takes a while to get a response, if we are lucky enough to get one at all. _______ was proof of that. I never thought I would hear from her, but I guess it's just such a shock.
This is just a thought. Would you consider addressing Jack directly with your thoughts? Or do you not want to re-open Pandora's box. I will make these points when I write him. It will take me a few days. There is just so much to deal with. And, I want to talk to his wife next.
Michele
My response to Michele:
Yea, I found it very interesting that they have a maid and a cell phone. I also have a cell phone, but most certainly don't have a MAID.
I like the fact that Jack thinks he's going behind my back when he's speaking with you. It seems to give him justification in presenting his side as reasonable. It appears interesting to me that he thinks he's got you on his side. I just wonder if maybe we (together) wrote the response, but you came at it as if you were trying to help me understand him and that you are like the mediator. That way he can say the things against me to make you more understand him and we'll get more truth out of it. What do you think? Janet
Michele's reply:
You are right. Playing good cop bad cop always works. Why don't you start by writing a response and send it to me. Then I can add to it. But remember, I still want to (1) talk to his wife (2) get his list of victims and (3) get a list of schools he teaches at. Michele
Keep in mind that during this time we are still being contacted by former students from ASIJ. Do you remember the girl I told you about who actually lived with Jack at his house when she was a sophomore in high school? She told Michele and me that when she confronted Jack about her abuse, he told her she was the only young person with whom he had a relationship. I assume she asked him if she was the only one or were there others.
After the previous emails I was really mad at Jack. He wasn't being straight with us (what did we expect). We were working with a counseling group in Japan called TELL (Tokyo English Life Line), which had been set up during the 70's to provide a crisis hotline for English speaking people in Japan. They were willing to help us verify that Jack was doing what we asked him to do. Also, we were able to check out his story about his counseling sessions with the psychologist he was claiming to use.
On December 5 I sent Jack the following email:
I have been reading your correspondence back and forth to Michele. This is growing very tiresome and making me very weary. To say the least, it's taking a tremendous amount of energy away from my children and family.
Believe it or not, Michele and I do not have a vindictive vendetta and are not "out to get you", much to your disappointment, I'm sure. This is not about you anymore. It's about protecting children from you.
You tell us that you are not abusing children anymore and haven't for 20 years. You want us to take your word. Your word is about as worthless as the email being sent. According to xxx, you lied to her last year and told her that she was the only person you sexually abused. Imagine her amazement when we talked and I told her she was one of many.
You have yet to identify all your victims. I know of at least three people you didn't name. Do you remember them?
It's obvious to me that we cannot convince you that you are and always will be dangerous to children. You have asked, "what can I do to prove it to you?" I have come up with some tangible ways that you can prove to us that you are no longer a threat to children. Michele and I are not responsible to come up with ways you can prove to us, you must take responsibility for that. We have already suffered 30 or more years of this. I'm ready for it to be over and quickly!!
1. Contact ASIJ and admit your abuse to their students, identify them and give them details. In addition, talk with them about any consequences or actions they might like to take.
2. Contact TELL, the agency in Japan that works with children and others who have psychological issues and communicate with them and come up with a plan that will convince Michele and me that you are no longer working with children.
3. Inform all the organizations you are working with about your past behavior. Come up with a plan that would prove to Michele and me that you have done this. Maybe they can communicate to someone at TELL or another agreeable source.
4. Tell your wife the truth about the ages of your abuse victims. Have her contact us to let us know that you have done so.
6. Stay in psychological care until the day you die and have a plan that communicates your progress to an acceptable mediator that can communicate with us from time to time your progress.
7. Register your name with the Child Sexual Offender registry. If there is no such registry in Japan, find another acceptable substitute for us.
At the same time, Michele sent Jack this email below. My next post will be his response. You will find it UNBELIEVABLE!!
Dear Jack,
I spoke to your wife. That part of the mission is accomplished. The following is our next step. Please answer all these questions. Jack, I'm going to caution you that if give us any more pat answers I am not going to tolerate it. We have caught you lying several times already. We have a list of victims, and if you miss one, we will not accept "forgot" as any excuse. It should be thorough, and it better include them all. If you don't remember a name, say so, but indicate an age, time and what happened. Remember the definition "under 18."
Michele
On December 8 I wrote the following:
Jack,
I will write my story while you are gone to the Philippines. While you are gone I want you to be thinking about some things.
However, before you leave I'd like you to answer these questions and send them to Michele. I hesitate to get back into a dialogue with you that's why I don't want you to send me the answers.
1. What about xxxx?
2. Tell me how you were in communications with xxx last year and what you told her. There are some conflicting statements and I'm having a difficult time "taking your word" because of them.
3. While you are gone I'd really like for you to think about your victims. There are several you have't named. I want a more complete list. Make sure you include everyone who falls under the following categories:
The definition of a victim quoted from the book "Child Abuse and Neglect." Dr. Carol C. Nadelson, Author. "Child sexual abuse is any sexual behavior directed toward a child or adolescent under 18 by a person who has power over that youth. Sexual abuse that involves physical contact could entail fondling the child's genitals, getting the child to fondle the offenders genitals, rubbing the offenders genitals on the child, engaging in oral sex, or making anal or vaginal penetration." THIS CONSTITUTES ABUSE WHETHER OR NOT IT IS CONSENSUAL! A CHILD IS NOT ABLE TO HAVE CONSENSUAL SEX WITH AN ADULT! I'm going to add a little more I believe she neglected.
Any person who you approached but didn't actually engage would fall under a lessor but some form of abuse. This includes, but is not limited to, climbing into bed with them regardless of what you did once there. If you wouldn't do it in front of another adult assume it was abuse. Even verbal propositioning....
4. You have stated multiple times that the children you molested were in the 70's era. If this is so what caused you to stop? What happened in 84 for you to leave ASIJ? Please give us extensive details of all of this.
This is an extremely difficult but necessary process. Believe me when I say this, it is not a delight to Michele or me. We would much rather be spending our time doing thousands of other things, however, until we feel we have accomplished our goal of making sure no other child is a potential victim, we will continue. Trust is a funny thing. It takes years to build but only one second to tear down. We've only been in touch with you for three weeks. Trust takes years.
Please send your response to Michele and I will get back with you after you return. Janet
Stay tuned to his response.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Day Fifty-six
After Jack's email to Michele, I was very angry. I couldn't believe he actually turned the responsibility on me. On December 3 at 6:26 a.m. I wrote:
Michele,
I'm responding to this letter Jack wrote you. It was good for me to read it as I am currently angry about his response. My response to his points:
1. I never said "I do not presume to know your heart"... and then say he was still molesting children. My letter stated, "I do not presume to know your heart, but, I do know from my own experiences my responses to God when my heart is broken and contrite." I guess he just dropped off the last part of that sentence. In fact, the only place in that letter that I said anything about his current possible abuse of children is on Question # 13. "You say you don’t work with children, yet many pictures on the web sites show your involvement with children directly in the ocean or in the programs you say other teachers are leading. How can you prove to me that you are not involved with children any where? Why can’t your “schools” exist without your physical involvement? Your word is tremendously lacking in credibility, how can I be certain that you are not currently molesting any child, including your own children?"
And then at the end of the letter. "I am not convinced by your words, however, that you have proven to me, without any doubt, that no other child will be a victim in your hands. It is not my responsibility to prove that. That burden of proof falls in your hands."
UNFAIR? UNFAIR?
Does he even know the definition of unfair?
MAKING ASSUMPTIONS? It's because nobody made any assumptions before that this abuse was allowed to happen for so long.
2. Doesn't live in the American community only Japanese. So I presume that it's o.k. to sexually molest Japanese girls, as long as they aren't America. What does living in the Japanese community have to do with any of this?
3. If 95% of his programs are for adults, then how come the only ones we can find on the web pertain to children?
4. Why did N. Sensei and him part ways? No explaination.
5. 32 degrees celsius? What's that have to do with this? And to think he needed to share with you that he doesn't think in "farenheit" anymore??? Who CARES.
6. If he has a heart attack because of all this stress, will he blame that on us?
7. His debt has increased from $40,000 just last week to $90,000 this week. HELLO!!! Why doesn't he just sell his BEACH house. I don't have a BEACH house.
8. ETC. I wonder how many of his victims would appreciate being refered to as ETC.
9. Janet wants proof. WHAT DOES HE EXPECT? I guess since nobody has done anything for 30 years, he just wants 30 years more of peace.
10. Of course his wife doesn't see their relationship as abuse. Neither do thousands of other women who either are married to pedophilias or sexual abusers. She also doesn't want to lose the life style she's been living in ( I can't blame her).
11. He still doesn't understand what restitution means. Why don't you ask him to write a paper on the term "restitution" and research victims of child abuse and the suffering they go through. Why doesn't he search out what we need and come up with a good solution?
This letter was good for me to read because it just made me angry. Hopefully, I can proceed with a clearer head now. My friend who is my confidant has agreed to meet with me as much as I need to so I may also resort to that. My time this week is limited so I'm trying to be as mindful of that as possible.
Michele,
I'm responding to this letter Jack wrote you. It was good for me to read it as I am currently angry about his response. My response to his points:
1. I never said "I do not presume to know your heart"... and then say he was still molesting children. My letter stated, "I do not presume to know your heart, but, I do know from my own experiences my responses to God when my heart is broken and contrite." I guess he just dropped off the last part of that sentence. In fact, the only place in that letter that I said anything about his current possible abuse of children is on Question # 13. "You say you don’t work with children, yet many pictures on the web sites show your involvement with children directly in the ocean or in the programs you say other teachers are leading. How can you prove to me that you are not involved with children any where? Why can’t your “schools” exist without your physical involvement? Your word is tremendously lacking in credibility, how can I be certain that you are not currently molesting any child, including your own children?"
And then at the end of the letter. "I am not convinced by your words, however, that you have proven to me, without any doubt, that no other child will be a victim in your hands. It is not my responsibility to prove that. That burden of proof falls in your hands."
UNFAIR? UNFAIR?
Does he even know the definition of unfair?
MAKING ASSUMPTIONS? It's because nobody made any assumptions before that this abuse was allowed to happen for so long.
2. Doesn't live in the American community only Japanese. So I presume that it's o.k. to sexually molest Japanese girls, as long as they aren't America. What does living in the Japanese community have to do with any of this?
3. If 95% of his programs are for adults, then how come the only ones we can find on the web pertain to children?
4. Why did N. Sensei and him part ways? No explaination.
5. 32 degrees celsius? What's that have to do with this? And to think he needed to share with you that he doesn't think in "farenheit" anymore??? Who CARES.
6. If he has a heart attack because of all this stress, will he blame that on us?
7. His debt has increased from $40,000 just last week to $90,000 this week. HELLO!!! Why doesn't he just sell his BEACH house. I don't have a BEACH house.
8. ETC. I wonder how many of his victims would appreciate being refered to as ETC.
9. Janet wants proof. WHAT DOES HE EXPECT? I guess since nobody has done anything for 30 years, he just wants 30 years more of peace.
10. Of course his wife doesn't see their relationship as abuse. Neither do thousands of other women who either are married to pedophilias or sexual abusers. She also doesn't want to lose the life style she's been living in ( I can't blame her).
11. He still doesn't understand what restitution means. Why don't you ask him to write a paper on the term "restitution" and research victims of child abuse and the suffering they go through. Why doesn't he search out what we need and come up with a good solution?
This letter was good for me to read because it just made me angry. Hopefully, I can proceed with a clearer head now. My friend who is my confidant has agreed to meet with me as much as I need to so I may also resort to that. My time this week is limited so I'm trying to be as mindful of that as possible.
Day Fifty-six
While we were going back and forth with this correspondence with Jack, Michele was in the process of developing a website which would have exposed Jack to the world. She set out very carefully and diligently planning and preparing for it to be published. I must admit, this was very scary to me. I wasn't sure I wanted her to do that and we shared our concerns, fears, anxiety etc. about it. In the same way, sending a letter to the parents of ASIJ students, I'm not sure what felt bad about it except that I guess I felt exposed with that kind of public display. Sometimes, when you go through this stuff you feel like you are being violated all over again and I suppose that's how it felt.
The other night I had a dream and Jack and his wife were in it. We were at some kind of function, outdoors, and I was attempting to avoid him. He kept on calling my name, asking me why I was avoiding him. I continued to bypass, sidestep, ignore, and avoid him and in my dream he was very confident and wasn't reacting very timid or puppy dogish (for those of you who knew him - you would understand the puppy dog comment.) In my dream I never looked directly at him. I kept thinking, doesn't he know what he's done? I guess that makes sense based on the emails I'm rereading now. He didn't get it did he? Even though he admitted to the abuse, he really didn't believe it was abuse. To him it was just a innocent relationship. Wow! What a convoluted mind.
I would like to continue writing but my husband took our laptop to work and it has all my emails and files on it so I can't continue until he brings it home. So for now...... I hope you all have a wonderful and productive day.
God be with you......
The other night I had a dream and Jack and his wife were in it. We were at some kind of function, outdoors, and I was attempting to avoid him. He kept on calling my name, asking me why I was avoiding him. I continued to bypass, sidestep, ignore, and avoid him and in my dream he was very confident and wasn't reacting very timid or puppy dogish (for those of you who knew him - you would understand the puppy dog comment.) In my dream I never looked directly at him. I kept thinking, doesn't he know what he's done? I guess that makes sense based on the emails I'm rereading now. He didn't get it did he? Even though he admitted to the abuse, he really didn't believe it was abuse. To him it was just a innocent relationship. Wow! What a convoluted mind.
I would like to continue writing but my husband took our laptop to work and it has all my emails and files on it so I can't continue until he brings it home. So for now...... I hope you all have a wonderful and productive day.
God be with you......
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Day Fifty-five - Response
On Tuesday, December 2, 2003 Jack responded to Michele's email.
Hi, again, Michele...I received a mail from Janet saying that she does not want to have direct communication with me, so I will not re-answer her questions, unless you would like me to do so and send them to you. I answered them quickly the last time, responding in a kind of panic to Janet's angry letter. Believe me when I say that I understand her anger. I searched thoroughly last night for the addresses you requested. Please understand that I am living in a small, ancient apartment in the Akabane area of Tokyo, evacuated from Miyake, which is still erupting and unlivable. I have little space and live in a six mat room. I was unable to find one address...it has been 2-3 years since we communicated. For the other, I wrote her a Christmas letter last year, but I cannot find her address. I have a broken computer that does not send or receive mail anymore, but I was able to retrieve her e-mail on the screen. It is as follows: ________________ I assume she still uses that address. This computer is in the office at OWS, an NPO of which I act as president (Oceanic Wildlife Society).
I forgot to say that, yes, you have my permission to contact anyone I mentioned. I ask you to please, however, refrain from doing what Janet is doing; i.e. presuming me guilty before innocent, which is not, in my opinion, fair. To say, "I do not presume to know your heart", and then to say that I am still abusing children is unfair. Janet should not make assumptions based on her own very unfortunate experiences of 30 years ago. I have taken responsibility for my actions of the 1970s by doing everything possible to make myself of value to society. I do not live in the kind of bi-cultural community the ASIJ people (you and Janet, for example) know. I have absolutely no American friends or contacts (except one editor of the Japan Times, when I write an article for them), and I go weeks without speaking English except during my evening telephone calls (every evening) to my wife. I have done well in Japanese society. My programs are in environmental awareness, and 95% of them are for adults. The ones for kids are in summer, and all, except for 2, are run by local governments, school boards, etc. I am "honorary principal", making a welcoming address, a lecture, and a final statement about the program in front of the kids, but not taking part in the actual program. The two other programs are descendants of a program I started in 1987 for Japanese kids, in cooperation with Dr. K. Nakamura, then of Waseda University. It was a heavy environmental program, designed to produce scientists. Nakamura Sensei and I went our separate ways because I felt that the environment and the problems facing the environment were everybody's responsibility, regardless of academic capacity of the students. I teamed with Y. Unno, a former junior college teacher, and we continued the schools, but after my heart attack in 1997, I discontinued teaching. Our group "Ocean Family" is made up almost exclusively of adults, but our summer schools are for kids grade 5-12. Again, I make the opening speech and one or two other short talks on the reef environment and lead the final evening Wrap-up. I have only been in the water 3 times in the past two years, all for posed photographs for our publicity. My name attracts participants and so programs that use me want my photos with kids. Honestly, I have only been in the water with kids 3 times in the past two years...and only very rarely otherwise, for a TV show or a commercial.
I never sleep in the same room with anybody during any of my programs...kids or staff. My heart attack in 1997 caused an irregular heartbeat that gets serious when (1) I don't get enough sleep, (2) the temperature gets above 32 degrees Celsius (I don't think in Fahrenheit anymore), (3) when I am under immense stress (such as over the past few days). I have private rooms in hotels or minshukus (hostels) near the location of the school or, in one case, in an isolated room in the same building. The photos on internet that Janet mentioned where, in absolute truth, posed. I am definitely not the Jack you knew in the 1970s. I have done my best to be a productive, good citizen, and I have succeeded. I have had deep psychological problems over the past year, leading me to visit a psychologist. The Miyake volcano caused a $50,000 per year drop in my income. Before the eruption, I spent 6 months with my family in the Philippines, and six months at the Miyake-jima Nature Center at Miyake. The eruption changed that. Now, I rarely get to visit my beloved family. Our evening telephone conversations only give me the relief that they are safe, but my loneliness is immense, my economic problems are immense (in addition to the $40,000 debt my wife has run up by signing for supplies, etc., to repair the house (which was badly damaged by termites in 2001), I have run up a $90,000 debt, borrowing from various trusted Japanese friends to cover the rebuilding plan and the beach house.. My immense loneliness plus my anguish over large debts and decreased job offers, due to Japan's failing economy, have led me to seek psychological help again. My references to suicide are not, as Janet presumed, threats to make people feel guilty or to pity me, but, rather, sincere concerns about the suicide history in my family and my sometimes absolutely hopeless feelings about the future. As I said in one of my letters, I only want to be able to be with my family and die with my family nearby. That is not happening now, and it is getting increasingly economically difficult to image how it is going to happen.
I have greatly hurt people...Janet, xxxx, xxxxxx, etc. What can I do? You don't think I should contact them directly at this time. All I really can do is do what I have been doing for the past 20 years...lead a good life, be a positive, constructive and respected member of the community. I have been doing that (see the Marquis Who's Who in the World every year since 1999). I have written 25 books, all in Japanese, I have produced one CD (Victor Entertainment, Japan), with songs I wrote, especially a lullaby for my daughter.
I do not know what to do to take away the pain I have caused people. I can only do what I can, and what I have been doing to make up for it by doing my best to live a good life (as I have said above). Of course, I feel pain when I think bout the pain I caused kids I really liked. How do I show that? How to I prove it? Janet wants proof. This crisis has led me to seek psychological help again. Incidentally, my December 10 meeting with Dr. Y has been moved up to December 5.
Incidentally,my wife's date of birth was November 14, 1964. She is almost as old as Janet, and was 22 when we were married. It really hurt when Janet said I abused her...I asked my wife, and she got furious. As I said before, she is the deepest love I have even known, and we share it. She does not see my love and my deep care for our family as "abuse". Neither do I.
I am very, very, very sorry about all of this, Michele. I should have, obviously, not tried to run away from it, like I did in the 1980s, only coming back to face it as a result of Janet's letter. I should have faced it years ago, but I did not. I am sorry. But, anyone who knows the Jack of the 1990s and early 21st Century knows that I am no threat to any segment of society as I am today. In addition to apologizing sincerely and painfully, and in leading a good, respectable life (as I have done for 20 years), the only other thing I can do is be as honest and as open as possible with you. I am doing that, and I will continue to do that. Jack
Hi, again, Michele...I received a mail from Janet saying that she does not want to have direct communication with me, so I will not re-answer her questions, unless you would like me to do so and send them to you. I answered them quickly the last time, responding in a kind of panic to Janet's angry letter. Believe me when I say that I understand her anger. I searched thoroughly last night for the addresses you requested. Please understand that I am living in a small, ancient apartment in the Akabane area of Tokyo, evacuated from Miyake, which is still erupting and unlivable. I have little space and live in a six mat room. I was unable to find one address...it has been 2-3 years since we communicated. For the other, I wrote her a Christmas letter last year, but I cannot find her address. I have a broken computer that does not send or receive mail anymore, but I was able to retrieve her e-mail on the screen. It is as follows: ________________ I assume she still uses that address. This computer is in the office at OWS, an NPO of which I act as president (Oceanic Wildlife Society).
I forgot to say that, yes, you have my permission to contact anyone I mentioned. I ask you to please, however, refrain from doing what Janet is doing; i.e. presuming me guilty before innocent, which is not, in my opinion, fair. To say, "I do not presume to know your heart", and then to say that I am still abusing children is unfair. Janet should not make assumptions based on her own very unfortunate experiences of 30 years ago. I have taken responsibility for my actions of the 1970s by doing everything possible to make myself of value to society. I do not live in the kind of bi-cultural community the ASIJ people (you and Janet, for example) know. I have absolutely no American friends or contacts (except one editor of the Japan Times, when I write an article for them), and I go weeks without speaking English except during my evening telephone calls (every evening) to my wife. I have done well in Japanese society. My programs are in environmental awareness, and 95% of them are for adults. The ones for kids are in summer, and all, except for 2, are run by local governments, school boards, etc. I am "honorary principal", making a welcoming address, a lecture, and a final statement about the program in front of the kids, but not taking part in the actual program. The two other programs are descendants of a program I started in 1987 for Japanese kids, in cooperation with Dr. K. Nakamura, then of Waseda University. It was a heavy environmental program, designed to produce scientists. Nakamura Sensei and I went our separate ways because I felt that the environment and the problems facing the environment were everybody's responsibility, regardless of academic capacity of the students. I teamed with Y. Unno, a former junior college teacher, and we continued the schools, but after my heart attack in 1997, I discontinued teaching. Our group "Ocean Family" is made up almost exclusively of adults, but our summer schools are for kids grade 5-12. Again, I make the opening speech and one or two other short talks on the reef environment and lead the final evening Wrap-up. I have only been in the water 3 times in the past two years, all for posed photographs for our publicity. My name attracts participants and so programs that use me want my photos with kids. Honestly, I have only been in the water with kids 3 times in the past two years...and only very rarely otherwise, for a TV show or a commercial.
I never sleep in the same room with anybody during any of my programs...kids or staff. My heart attack in 1997 caused an irregular heartbeat that gets serious when (1) I don't get enough sleep, (2) the temperature gets above 32 degrees Celsius (I don't think in Fahrenheit anymore), (3) when I am under immense stress (such as over the past few days). I have private rooms in hotels or minshukus (hostels) near the location of the school or, in one case, in an isolated room in the same building. The photos on internet that Janet mentioned where, in absolute truth, posed. I am definitely not the Jack you knew in the 1970s. I have done my best to be a productive, good citizen, and I have succeeded. I have had deep psychological problems over the past year, leading me to visit a psychologist. The Miyake volcano caused a $50,000 per year drop in my income. Before the eruption, I spent 6 months with my family in the Philippines, and six months at the Miyake-jima Nature Center at Miyake. The eruption changed that. Now, I rarely get to visit my beloved family. Our evening telephone conversations only give me the relief that they are safe, but my loneliness is immense, my economic problems are immense (in addition to the $40,000 debt my wife has run up by signing for supplies, etc., to repair the house (which was badly damaged by termites in 2001), I have run up a $90,000 debt, borrowing from various trusted Japanese friends to cover the rebuilding plan and the beach house.. My immense loneliness plus my anguish over large debts and decreased job offers, due to Japan's failing economy, have led me to seek psychological help again. My references to suicide are not, as Janet presumed, threats to make people feel guilty or to pity me, but, rather, sincere concerns about the suicide history in my family and my sometimes absolutely hopeless feelings about the future. As I said in one of my letters, I only want to be able to be with my family and die with my family nearby. That is not happening now, and it is getting increasingly economically difficult to image how it is going to happen.
I have greatly hurt people...Janet, xxxx, xxxxxx, etc. What can I do? You don't think I should contact them directly at this time. All I really can do is do what I have been doing for the past 20 years...lead a good life, be a positive, constructive and respected member of the community. I have been doing that (see the Marquis Who's Who in the World every year since 1999). I have written 25 books, all in Japanese, I have produced one CD (Victor Entertainment, Japan), with songs I wrote, especially a lullaby for my daughter.
I do not know what to do to take away the pain I have caused people. I can only do what I can, and what I have been doing to make up for it by doing my best to live a good life (as I have said above). Of course, I feel pain when I think bout the pain I caused kids I really liked. How do I show that? How to I prove it? Janet wants proof. This crisis has led me to seek psychological help again. Incidentally, my December 10 meeting with Dr. Y has been moved up to December 5.
Incidentally,my wife's date of birth was November 14, 1964. She is almost as old as Janet, and was 22 when we were married. It really hurt when Janet said I abused her...I asked my wife, and she got furious. As I said before, she is the deepest love I have even known, and we share it. She does not see my love and my deep care for our family as "abuse". Neither do I.
I am very, very, very sorry about all of this, Michele. I should have, obviously, not tried to run away from it, like I did in the 1980s, only coming back to face it as a result of Janet's letter. I should have faced it years ago, but I did not. I am sorry. But, anyone who knows the Jack of the 1990s and early 21st Century knows that I am no threat to any segment of society as I am today. In addition to apologizing sincerely and painfully, and in leading a good, respectable life (as I have done for 20 years), the only other thing I can do is be as honest and as open as possible with you. I am doing that, and I will continue to do that. Jack
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Day Fifty-four - Live Life to its Fullest?
If you care to bear with me while I write a little about my ramblings I'm going to digress into some basic thoughts about things. If you want to skip this, please do.
The other day I was thinking about several things. One was the often heard phrase or sentiment, "Live life to its fullest!"
For several days before this, I was grappling with the verse from the Bible, "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God."
1 Corinthians 10:31.
Now, I know some of you who are reading this don't share the same beliefs as I do, however, thank you for bearing with me through this. Just for this reading, start with the supposition that there really is a God. And this God is all loving, all knowing, creator of the universe, gracious, merciful and just, perfect in every way. Hopefully, now you can see how I am looking at these two statements.
So, I was thinking about living life to its fullest while sitting in my living room listening to my now 17 year old playing the guitar he got for his birthday. Shortly after, my 14 year old came in and began playing the keyboard. Then the dog came in and started harassing the cat (now you can sort of see how my household is - my sisters can vouch for this!!). I was just sitting on the couch with a glass of wine, trying to enjoy the moment (living life to the fullest!!) but as I started contemplating this, I began seeing a problem with this sentiment. If we all are living life to its fullest, but while doing so, have no consideration of those around us then because of our own goal of living life to the fullest, we may be robbing another person of their joy.
Take my cat, Blair, who was just sitting there minding her own business - enjoying our presence. Well, her peace and solitude was completely interrupted by my little dog, Polly was doing what she wanted to by barking and lunging at Blair. Polly's actions of doing what came most naturally to her completely disrupted the peace and tranquility of Blair. In the same way, when my 14 year old came in to play the piano while my 17 year old was playing the guitar, he interrupted the goal that my 17 year old had of wanting to play his new guitar while we were listening to him. Do you see where I'm going with this?
I started comparing that to the verse, "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all to the glory of God." Supposing that there is a God, if our our behavior is constantly being filter through this, what would that look like? Rather than our "living life to its fullest" no matter the consequences to us or others, if we do everything to the glory of God, then our actions and life would be completely different. I wouldn't respond to my husband or children with frustration but with love and respect. I wouldn't cut people off while I'm driving and would be kinder to people who I don't like. I would love continuously even when I don't want to. Really - isn't this what we all desire?
I have really been trying to concentrate on this verse and try to do this. Do you know, it's really hard!! In fact, it's impossible!! Lots of time I don't remember I'm concentrating on that verse. I don't even think about God. I think someone called that selective atheism or something like that.
As I write about our journey I see that while Jack was, "living life to the fullest", children were being abused. I also see in some of my communications and actions later, I didn't concentrate on the verse, "do it all to the glory of God." This puts us all in the same dilemma. None of us are able act, do, perform, serve, behave, or think in the way God desires us to. So, what do we do about that?
For me, that places me firmly on the level ground in front of the cross - for God sent his provision (himself- his son) to bear the burden of my failures. Thanks be to God.
I really am thankful that you were willing to read this. :)
The other day I was thinking about several things. One was the often heard phrase or sentiment, "Live life to its fullest!"
For several days before this, I was grappling with the verse from the Bible, "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God."
1 Corinthians 10:31.
Now, I know some of you who are reading this don't share the same beliefs as I do, however, thank you for bearing with me through this. Just for this reading, start with the supposition that there really is a God. And this God is all loving, all knowing, creator of the universe, gracious, merciful and just, perfect in every way. Hopefully, now you can see how I am looking at these two statements.
So, I was thinking about living life to its fullest while sitting in my living room listening to my now 17 year old playing the guitar he got for his birthday. Shortly after, my 14 year old came in and began playing the keyboard. Then the dog came in and started harassing the cat (now you can sort of see how my household is - my sisters can vouch for this!!). I was just sitting on the couch with a glass of wine, trying to enjoy the moment (living life to the fullest!!) but as I started contemplating this, I began seeing a problem with this sentiment. If we all are living life to its fullest, but while doing so, have no consideration of those around us then because of our own goal of living life to the fullest, we may be robbing another person of their joy.
Take my cat, Blair, who was just sitting there minding her own business - enjoying our presence. Well, her peace and solitude was completely interrupted by my little dog, Polly was doing what she wanted to by barking and lunging at Blair. Polly's actions of doing what came most naturally to her completely disrupted the peace and tranquility of Blair. In the same way, when my 14 year old came in to play the piano while my 17 year old was playing the guitar, he interrupted the goal that my 17 year old had of wanting to play his new guitar while we were listening to him. Do you see where I'm going with this?
I started comparing that to the verse, "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all to the glory of God." Supposing that there is a God, if our our behavior is constantly being filter through this, what would that look like? Rather than our "living life to its fullest" no matter the consequences to us or others, if we do everything to the glory of God, then our actions and life would be completely different. I wouldn't respond to my husband or children with frustration but with love and respect. I wouldn't cut people off while I'm driving and would be kinder to people who I don't like. I would love continuously even when I don't want to. Really - isn't this what we all desire?
I have really been trying to concentrate on this verse and try to do this. Do you know, it's really hard!! In fact, it's impossible!! Lots of time I don't remember I'm concentrating on that verse. I don't even think about God. I think someone called that selective atheism or something like that.
As I write about our journey I see that while Jack was, "living life to the fullest", children were being abused. I also see in some of my communications and actions later, I didn't concentrate on the verse, "do it all to the glory of God." This puts us all in the same dilemma. None of us are able act, do, perform, serve, behave, or think in the way God desires us to. So, what do we do about that?
For me, that places me firmly on the level ground in front of the cross - for God sent his provision (himself- his son) to bear the burden of my failures. Thanks be to God.
I really am thankful that you were willing to read this. :)
Day Fifty-four - New Communication to Jack
So, sometime between Thanksgiving and the first of December Michelle sent Jack an email. This is what it said.
Janet and I have both been investigating your history of inappropriate behavior with children for some time now.
We very much appreciate the candidness in your past letters as well as your willingness to communicate with us. We strongly recommend maintaining this level of honesty and cooperation with us. Happily, it sounds like you are willing to do this. We really want to resolve this matter with as little collateral damage as possible. However, we need more information. We have both read your letters, and need to do a little more investigating before we respond to you. I sincerely promise we won't do anything that would hurt or embarrass your wife and children. But your honesty is key here, I hope you can appreciate that.
For starters, we really don't think it would be wise for you to contact any of your old victims directly. Our experience with those we have encountered so far is that they would only suffer further violation and pain to hear from you out of the blue. We sincerely appreciate your desire to make direct and immediate amends, but trust us to handle this from the perspective of the violated child. Let us do that for you. We can provide a much safer shield for everyone all around while maintaining privacy and discretion. If someone wants to communicate directly with you, we will be more happy to set it up as we know how healing this can be.
In your letters, you have encouraged us to check some if these facts out on our own, so if you don't mind, we'd like to take you up on that. Your wife left a phone number with Janet that was written down incorrectly. Could you please email me the correct one. I would like to speak to her myself. I will be as courteous to her as Janet was.
Also, I want the last two known addresses of both XXX and XXX. We want to contact them too. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Michele Connor
Victim Advocate/Miyake Survivors Group
(I never knew until I just re-read this email that Michele had signed it with the "Victim Advocate/Miyake Survivors Group. I find that really kind of funny actually. )
Janet and I have both been investigating your history of inappropriate behavior with children for some time now.
We very much appreciate the candidness in your past letters as well as your willingness to communicate with us. We strongly recommend maintaining this level of honesty and cooperation with us. Happily, it sounds like you are willing to do this. We really want to resolve this matter with as little collateral damage as possible. However, we need more information. We have both read your letters, and need to do a little more investigating before we respond to you. I sincerely promise we won't do anything that would hurt or embarrass your wife and children. But your honesty is key here, I hope you can appreciate that.
For starters, we really don't think it would be wise for you to contact any of your old victims directly. Our experience with those we have encountered so far is that they would only suffer further violation and pain to hear from you out of the blue. We sincerely appreciate your desire to make direct and immediate amends, but trust us to handle this from the perspective of the violated child. Let us do that for you. We can provide a much safer shield for everyone all around while maintaining privacy and discretion. If someone wants to communicate directly with you, we will be more happy to set it up as we know how healing this can be.
In your letters, you have encouraged us to check some if these facts out on our own, so if you don't mind, we'd like to take you up on that. Your wife left a phone number with Janet that was written down incorrectly. Could you please email me the correct one. I would like to speak to her myself. I will be as courteous to her as Janet was.
Also, I want the last two known addresses of both XXX and XXX. We want to contact them too. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Michele Connor
Victim Advocate/Miyake Survivors Group
(I never knew until I just re-read this email that Michele had signed it with the "Victim Advocate/Miyake Survivors Group. I find that really kind of funny actually. )
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Day Fifty-three
Just wanted to recap and remind you (and me) of somethings. Some ( a lot) of our correspondence was done verbally via telephone or in person. So, I'm having a hard enough time remembering my name much less a conversation I had with someone 6 years ago. I'm not sure that we have all the written correspondence associated with our endeavors, either. I am attempting to remember it as much the way it was as possible but there are more than likely discrepancies of time and of instances because of the lapse of time since 2003.
As I mentioned in a previous post, after I returned home from my parents from Thanksgiving and Jack had left a message on my answering service, it was evident that we needed to switch things up. At this point Michele took more of the initiative with Jack and I backed off waiting to hear from her. Here is her initial response to his first emails.
Dear Janet,
Thanks so much for sending the letters to me. I can see why this posed such a quandary to you. Its long, rambling, and its hard to reconcile some of the time frames that he mentions. Also, I can see how he pushes all emotional buttons. Its hard to remain indifferent to his suffering. He certainly trotted it all out, the psychological suffering, the poverty stricken wife, the huge loan overshadowing them, his old age, his heart attack, his suicide attempts, his loneliness, his hermetic lifestyle, his great love for his children, his great affection for US. I don't think he missed a single beat.
May I just throw out some thoughts that I have after reading it? Many you have mentioned already...but I just want to go over them...in a way, it helps desensitize me by doing this. He justifies his attraction to kids as a way of resolving his terrible, terrible, loneliness. He was never a "cold plotting predator", just a lonely, isolated guy with no-one else to turn to. The kids were just there. Can you blame him? He was all by himself on Miyake with nothing but the fish he was studying. He had a great affection for us kids. He really loved us! (I never saw him as a confused, messed up individual, did you? I thought he was pretty organized and friendly and got along well with people.)
He quit ASIJ in 1984 after he got his Doctoral Degree. How does that fit in with him "leaving in 2000"? Do you suppose he left and came back purely "off-campus"? Could something have happened in 1984 involving a child. I can't believe that ASIJ fired him in 2000 based on one letter, judging by their historical inactivity. I'm beginning to suspect other stuff happened. I really want to know who those other 2 were. Maybe he got caught two other times?
"I think my children should have roots, and they will live in the Philippines after I die, (many, many references to his death), so it is best they get a good education there." In justifying why they are there, and he is is Japan, this sentence makes absolutely no sense to me whatsoever. If anything, it has to be more expensive for him because he is maintaining two households. I think it has to do with his old wife. How does he explain us living in Tokyo, knowing we would end up in the US or another country after we graduated. Its totally hypocritical.
Don't go after me. If you do, you will only be hurting my children and my poverty stricken (extreme!), subsistence-level existing wife who has a huge $40,000 loan hanging over her head. I have only a limited, fixed income. I need my schools for the survival of my family. I live alone at the edge of poverty and send all the money I earn to help my wife and kids. Exposing me will destroy THEM not me. Remember for the first time in my life, I found peace and happiness with them. He lived alone while still working with the ASIJ Miyake program, because he had a heart attack, and needed his 8 hours of sleep, not because he couldn't be near children.
He is consultant, administrator and adviser to programs that work with children. But he does not live with children or interact with them by himself. He doesn't even know the kids names or remember their faces. I find this a tad difficult to imagine. Do you suppose he just remembers their bodies?
Just thoughts to throw into the air. Let me know when you hear from him. I will wait until you do. I have some other questions for him, mostly financial ones to start with. I'm sure he has a pension from the school. In the Philippines, a third world country, a small pension can go a very very long way. Most of San Miguel are retirees living like kings on their meager pensions.
One very good thing about these letters are, he does admit that he is/was a pedophile.
I sent an email to ASIJ today, to push them into some action. I have waited a month, I think its time for some answers about some programs. A friend is sending me a telephone directory with all the current students, names, addresses and telephone numbers. I told him I don't want to start contacting these parents on my own, I would rather do it with the blessing and in conjunction with, ASIJ. But it was a bit assertive.
I told him you heard from Jack and that Jack admitted to his pedophilia, nothing more. And that it doesn't let ASIJ off the hook in terms of their lack of responsiveness. This admission of his is a tremendous relief isn't it? I guess this is more than I ever expected.
Thanks and love,
Michele
Gotta run. School and work! I'll write more later.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Day Fifty-two - Child Slavery - Trafficing children
(I started this post earlier in the week but life and circumstances have gotten in the way of my posting anything yet. I'm not completely finished with this but I'm going to post what I have with the hopes that I can write tonight after Catholic High's Open House - for which I am volunteering.)
Last week I received an email from a MK friend who I just reconnected with during our SBMK reunion in October. She is my oldest brother's and sister's age so was at ASIJ during the late 60's. When she wrote the email she didn't realize that she was affirming for me exactly the response I had hoped for from someone who didn't or doesn't know me now. I don't plan to share the entire email as it's personal but I do want to share a few of the comments that mean a lot to me.
"I am glad I got to see you as an adult before learning so much about Jack's attacks on you, because I can see that despite his best efforts, he did not destroy you, and you are a beautiful woman, inside and out. I’m not sure what I would’ve pictured if I’d read your blog entries first. I probably would’ve tried to imagine what a mess I’d be if I’d been sexually abused for 3 years by an adult, not to mention a teacher I idealized, and then on top of that, felt I had to keep it all inside. The situation is so shocking that there are no words in the English language to describe it. I’ve been reading your blog since you told me about it and I’ve completely worn out the word “appalling” in my head. It’s come to mind so much that it’s lost its meaning and I need to come up with something stronger to replace it."
I also had lunch with a friend yesterday and she said, "I don't really know how to say this but as I'm reading your blog I see that you aren't wallowing in it." Again, I am very thankful for these kind of responses because as I've tried to express that I'm not seeking pity or even compassion. I've already dealt with the implications of this and have gone through that mess. This is just an attempt to share what this "mess" looks like from the inside.
So thank you friends (you know who you are) for supporting me with your encouraging words.
The other day my husband, oldest son and I stopped at a local chinese restaurant for lunch. As we were walking in a huge billboard above the restaurant posted, "Stop Child Slavery - Go to www.traffickinghope.org" Well, it might be good for you to visit that website. It is amazing how children are still being exploited in this day and age.
That's why when I read an email like the one Michele got from another ASIJ student I continue to be amazed.
Dear Michele,
During our first or second mini-reunion at your house with the girls, the subject of Jack's pedophilia came up. I was appalled and could only think about the children he was now coming in contact with. I did not ask you or the others for permission but when I got back home the first thing I did was call ASIJ.
I said it was an emergency and I received a call back from the headmaster. I recounted to him the tale of sexual abuse I had been made aware of. I had been reading about what a great program Jack was running at Miyake and could only feel fear for those children. Would you believe his (the headmaster's) reaction?
He did not in any way acknowledge Jack's activities, I don't know if he knew or not. All he said to me is "don't you know, he is happily married with children?" And all I could say to him is that "that's never stopped anyone before."
He also said that the Miyake children were always with many people and never alone with Jack anyway. To that, I responded that if that's what he thought of Jack, then Jack should not be with children. And then I heard nothing about it, not from him, the Board, nothing.
When was that Michele? 1996 or 1997?
Does that mean that the headmaster did nothing to tell the school that I had contacted him or confront Jack till 2003? 8 long years? I hope not but who knows.
I'm so glad you finally had the courage and conviction to confront him and the school.
Now, what to do about the headmaster if indeed he did nothing from when he talked with me untill 2003?
Much love, ( I deleted the name of the person who wrote the email.)
So again and again and again the school was told, given an opportunity to something and they did nothing!! Unbelievable.
I must run and get ready for work but will begin tonight to tackle December of 2003. As more and more communications came in from different people the list and number of those he abused continued to grow. Well beyond his own memory of those girls. That is another example of his narcissistic psychopathy that continued to prevail in his emails.
Sorry I've been so long in posting. I'll get back on track and hopefully get through this story before too long. As always, I love to hear feedback so keep on commenting as I go along. Stay posted!! Protect your children. Give to organizations who help protect children!!
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Day Fifty-0ne Dauphin Island - Beautiful and peaceful
Back at the beach enjoying the beauty of the fall in the south. Temperatures are in the mid 70's and dipping into the 60's at night. I'm watching LSU play Alabama with Chuck at the "Oarhouse". Funny play on words. For those of you who are just joining in on this blog I want to remind you that most of the time frame referenced is during 2003 and 2004. I have received comments and responses as if this is present and it's what I'm experiencing now. I'm just going back several years and sharing my experience in confronting my abuser. Any advise as to how I should handle the situation is somewhat futile since it has already happened. I do appreciate your thoughts, however, and encourage you to continue reading and responding.
I'm going through the disk Michele sent me last week and realize that I have forgotten a lot. I'm not sure, however, whether or not the stuff I forgot really matters. I do remember while I was going through all of this I counted on my siblings a great deal. Particularly my oldest brother and oldest sister. While going through this mess, questioning whether or not I was doing the right thing, I was talking to my oldest brother about it. He reminded me about the statement made by Edmund Burke, "All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." That really made me think about what we were doing.
But even so, I still questioned and maybe even still do, whether or not we did the right thing. The most difficult thing to figure out during all this time was, "What if he is telling the truth?" Although everything we read, studied and learned said that pedophiles don't change, he still had somewhat of a manipulative hold on me. Many comments have noticed that Jack was still using his manipulative tactics to influence me. That's why, I think, what happened next happened.
Thanksgiving 2003, my family went to my Mom and Dad's in Mississippi. We planned to go for a couple of day as my husband and boys wanted to return to Baton Rouge to see LSU play Arkansas, a tradition during the Thanksgiving holidays. Because I wasn't going to the game, I stayed in Mississippi until Saturday. When I returned home, Chuck (my husband) met me at the door. He said, "There is a message on the answering machine. I wanted to let you know about it before you listen to it. It's from Jack."
I really never thought he would actually call me. But, then again, I really never thought any of this would happen to me. You know when girls are young and they imagine their lives as women, as mothers, as wives...... I don't remember ever imagining that as a young informative teenager. I don't remember day dreaming about being married.........having young children.......being a working woman........ I really don't remember day dreaming about much.
I do remember during seventh grade my friend and I would "pretend" we were cheerleaders and "pretend" we had boyfriends. We would go into our living room and completely rearrange the furniture, and do our cheers and act like we were swooning the boys. Very funny. Those memories are fun and innocent. In fact, my friend and I were talking about those memories a few weeks ago at the SBMK reunion we had in October. We both later cheered together and had some really good real memories.
While I was in Mississippi during Thanksgiving, I told my parents what we (Michele and I) were doing. Up to this point they didn't know anything about Michele and my endeavors. When I let them know that I sent a letter to Jack, my Mother responded hesitantly. She asked me why I "let" him do that to me? My interpretation of that was - "You were in control, you let him do it. So why are you bringing this up now." But because I had gotten to this point, being able to "confront" him, I was also able to handle to responses I got from others, even my parents. To the point that I was able to not only answer her but forgive her. It's really hard being a parent. We try to protect our children, but we also want to give them the freedom to make their own choices. It's sometimes hard to understand the difference between freedom and abuse. Sometimes, parents need forgiveness, too. I hope my kids will forgive me for everything I've done or haven't done for them.
After I returned home and Chuck told me about Jack calling, my knees went weak. I wasn't sure I could talk to him or even listen to his voice. I did finally listen to his voice mail and heard a pleading desperate man. At that point, I wasn't sure I could go forward. Chuck was sure I couldn't and basically told me that I couldn't continue to contact him. So, at this point, I turned over the reigns to Michele and she took over the correspondence with Jack. I sent an email telling him that I couldn't correspond with him anymore because he was using his manipulative tactics with me and I wasn't willing to subject myself to that. So, he began corresponding with Michele. We were now at the end of November and the beginning of December, 2003,
I'm going through the disk Michele sent me last week and realize that I have forgotten a lot. I'm not sure, however, whether or not the stuff I forgot really matters. I do remember while I was going through all of this I counted on my siblings a great deal. Particularly my oldest brother and oldest sister. While going through this mess, questioning whether or not I was doing the right thing, I was talking to my oldest brother about it. He reminded me about the statement made by Edmund Burke, "All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." That really made me think about what we were doing.
But even so, I still questioned and maybe even still do, whether or not we did the right thing. The most difficult thing to figure out during all this time was, "What if he is telling the truth?" Although everything we read, studied and learned said that pedophiles don't change, he still had somewhat of a manipulative hold on me. Many comments have noticed that Jack was still using his manipulative tactics to influence me. That's why, I think, what happened next happened.
Thanksgiving 2003, my family went to my Mom and Dad's in Mississippi. We planned to go for a couple of day as my husband and boys wanted to return to Baton Rouge to see LSU play Arkansas, a tradition during the Thanksgiving holidays. Because I wasn't going to the game, I stayed in Mississippi until Saturday. When I returned home, Chuck (my husband) met me at the door. He said, "There is a message on the answering machine. I wanted to let you know about it before you listen to it. It's from Jack."
I really never thought he would actually call me. But, then again, I really never thought any of this would happen to me. You know when girls are young and they imagine their lives as women, as mothers, as wives...... I don't remember ever imagining that as a young informative teenager. I don't remember day dreaming about being married.........having young children.......being a working woman........ I really don't remember day dreaming about much.
I do remember during seventh grade my friend and I would "pretend" we were cheerleaders and "pretend" we had boyfriends. We would go into our living room and completely rearrange the furniture, and do our cheers and act like we were swooning the boys. Very funny. Those memories are fun and innocent. In fact, my friend and I were talking about those memories a few weeks ago at the SBMK reunion we had in October. We both later cheered together and had some really good real memories.
While I was in Mississippi during Thanksgiving, I told my parents what we (Michele and I) were doing. Up to this point they didn't know anything about Michele and my endeavors. When I let them know that I sent a letter to Jack, my Mother responded hesitantly. She asked me why I "let" him do that to me? My interpretation of that was - "You were in control, you let him do it. So why are you bringing this up now." But because I had gotten to this point, being able to "confront" him, I was also able to handle to responses I got from others, even my parents. To the point that I was able to not only answer her but forgive her. It's really hard being a parent. We try to protect our children, but we also want to give them the freedom to make their own choices. It's sometimes hard to understand the difference between freedom and abuse. Sometimes, parents need forgiveness, too. I hope my kids will forgive me for everything I've done or haven't done for them.
After I returned home and Chuck told me about Jack calling, my knees went weak. I wasn't sure I could talk to him or even listen to his voice. I did finally listen to his voice mail and heard a pleading desperate man. At that point, I wasn't sure I could go forward. Chuck was sure I couldn't and basically told me that I couldn't continue to contact him. So, at this point, I turned over the reigns to Michele and she took over the correspondence with Jack. I sent an email telling him that I couldn't correspond with him anymore because he was using his manipulative tactics with me and I wasn't willing to subject myself to that. So, he began corresponding with Michele. We were now at the end of November and the beginning of December, 2003,
Friday, November 6, 2009
Day Fifty - Back to the beach
I received the emails from Michele this week. Having to decode them with a different software. Have three TOC files that I have been unable to open. Tried Mail Navigator without success. Was able to open the MBX files with that. Any suggestions?
Otherwise, I now have roughly 250 pages to go through. Documents from 2003 and 2004. Heading to the beach. Let me know if you can help me open those files.
Have a wonderful weekend!!
Otherwise, I now have roughly 250 pages to go through. Documents from 2003 and 2004. Heading to the beach. Let me know if you can help me open those files.
Have a wonderful weekend!!
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Day Forty-nine
When I first started to write this blog, I really thought that I could do it without much emotion, after all, I've already been through all this stuff and I made it through then right? And although I do believe I have pretty much "healed" from all of this I realize now that there are things that still hurt and cause me much emotion. I guess it's kind of like an injury you got from a hard blow or cut that has "healed" but when it gets cold outside or starts to rain the point of injury lets you know it's still there.
Also, as I write, I'm looking back on actions which, at the time, I was right in the midst of. While I was going through this my thoughts and feelings were different, I'm sure. As I look back on it, I must admit, reading through these emails and correspondence again sometimes makes me sick to my stomach, keeps me awake at night and causes me to be more self-focused than I want to be. I am finding a real need to get through this and get on the other side.
As you read this, please remember this is not only a recollection of circumstances from years ago, but also my own emotions now as I go through this. So when I write that it's becoming more difficult, and/or that I want to quit, I don't anticipate getting this far and doing that, it's just how I am feeling at that point.
If you are the praying sort of person, prayer is always good and I depend on it and covet it. "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you." John 14: 27
So as I continue the journey, I take with me your support and encouragement. It's interesting to read the responses I have received so far. I expected to get a lot more negative reactions but am experiencing nothing of the sort. So far, all but a couple of responses have been in complete support of me and for that I thank you. Your comments do help to spur me on and encourage me to make it to the end. If you are reading on the blog site and want to comment just to me, you may write me via email at janet@calcote.com or you can write through facebook via the "inbox". Either way works without anyone else reading it. I may not directly respond to your comment but I try to send a collective message whenever I can.
After my extensive response to Jacks email, I received a response sometime during the week before Thanksgiving, 2003. As I type the email, my current/present remarks are in (parenthesis.)
Dear Janet,
I have read your letter, and I will comment on it to the best of my ability. I attempted to kill myself in 1985. I never in either of my letters to you to date threatened to do so again. I have two children and a wife - in trouble - that I would never do that to. As for the case of me "ignoring you" when you met the boat, I have absolutely no recollection of that, and , in my memories of you, I doubt that I would have done such a thing. (Unbelievable!!) Who was I with? Was I stressed? (How the hell am I supposed to know!!)
Let me turn to your questions: (This remark seems to deliberate - or rehearsed)
1. Why did you suspect that I might have been the "one" who contacted ASIJ in 2000? I expected it might be you because my actions with you took place when you were quite young and were more intimate and shameful than what took place with other kids, except __________ and ______________, with whom I corresponded on this subject some years ago.
2. How have you "taken responsibility" for your actions?
What have I done to correct these mistakes? I have tried since the 1980's to lead a good life and contribute positively to society. I have especially succeeded in Japan. I have had next to no contact with ASIJ for years, and my contributions are in Japanese society, as you can see on the internet. I try to help people whenever I can. I try to be a decent person. That is really all I can say.
3. Why do you suppose being divorced or dealing with grief from your mother's death would "cause" you to molest children? Many people suffer through divorce, death of much worse and do not resort to child abuse.
This is a difficult question. (He proceeds to say some not so nice things about his ex-wife). I went on weekends on various trips and had little to do with the faculty socially. I became too deeply involved in the kids world and became emotionally attached to some of them.. you were one, ________ and _________ were others. (I don't think he understood the implications of my question. My question was a bit sarcastic.)
4. When did you leave ASIJ? Was it permanent? Did anyone from the administration confront you prior to 2000? When did they? Who was it? Why did you leave ASIJ? What is the time reference to your leaving ASIJ and your going to Santa Barbara?
I quit ASIJ in 1984, after I got my doctorate, and tried to start a new life as a scientist. I went to Santa Barbara for a trimester, returning to Japan, my only home, in March 1985. I did not return to ASIJ, but lived alone at Miyake. This was the period that Miyake was being threatened by a military airport. I became very involved in working against that. ASIJ wanted to continue the Miyake program, and did so. (WOW - and this is after how many people came forward and told the administration about his sexual abuse?) I lived in a separate house. The school ran their own program. I was on-island administrator. I met the boats, got the vans to the proper pier, which depended upon the wind, brought the food, paid all the bills, made all the minshuku (hostel) arrangements and told the shrine story. The house I lived in was one I built for scientists who used my marine lab. I did not know the kids names nor have the time or the desire to get to know them personally. From 1993 to the volcano in 2000, I worked at the Miyake Nature Center from 8-5 daily, taking even less part in the program. The program ended with the eruption of the volcano in 2000. I can honestly say that I do not know the names of any of the kids that were in the program during that period.....I was that far removed from it. I led the shrine story night, a singing night, and I guided them to the far side of the island to experience the Miyake taiko drumming, which I explained - because the explanations were in Japanese.
(I wonder if he forgot the young ASIJ student who he asked to help him solicit money for his farm after the volcano erupted. How many ASIJ alumni/parents/faculty received that email?)
5. When did you return to Japan? Did you return to ASIJ? Did you resume your work with the Miyake program? What was the school's involvement with that? What were the terms of the arrangement between you and ASIJ? What, if anything, happened in 1990 after the "70's" reunion in Long Beach when you were nominated "favorite teacher" and then the award was pulled from you?
I knew very little about the 1970's reunion. I was told that I had won the "best teacher" vote, but then I was told that a last minute rush of votes gave the prize to Mr. Gallagher. That is all I know. It was not a big deal to me.
6. The use of the word "improper" is incredibly benign in describing these relationships. Did you tell your psychologist in Santa Barbara that you were a child sexual predator and that you had sexually abused many girls? If so, why would she/he not suggest you contact us and deal with the issue at that time? Any competent psychologist would have advised you to : 1) admit your problem and face it, 2) make restitution to those whom you abused, 3) be willing to suffer the consequences of your actions and 4) immediately stop being in contact of any form with children.
My psychologist in California - the 2nd one - told me what you said, but I ran from it. I did not face up to it. I was convinced I could start a new life, and I feel that I did. What I could not run away from was my self-hate and guilt.
7. Are you still in touch with the psychologist in Santa Barbara? I'd like to get in touch with him/her with your request of release of information.
There were two psychologists in California. They first treated me in the hospital after I tried to kill myself, and was more concerned with controlling my self-destructive impulses. I went to the 2nd psychologist after I got out of the hospital. I do not remember their names....HONESTLY! As I said, I did not follow all of the advise of the 2nd one. He helped me a lot, though, and I did not return to close relationships with kids.
8. You say you lived alone after that not interacting with any children. What, if any, was ASIJ's involvement in this?
After I returned to Japan, I had no involvement with ASIJ except as I said above. They continued the Miyake Program. Later, from about 1996 or so, I guided PTA Family eco tours to various parts of Japan....3 times per year, ending in 1999. I was deeply involved with my research in the early part of those days, and in my marriage from 1987.
9. You also mentioned that you didn't have any involvement with children after the 1970's yet you married a young (17 year old?) girl when you were 59. I'm not sure I follow that explanation. My wife was an adult, in her twenties, when we were married. I was 57. There are many such marriages. I grew to deeply love her, and that love continues to grow...our problems with finances now and the effect they may have on her future after I die is my chief concern in the world - along with the subject of this letter.
10. You say you would like to contact the women I've communicated with to apologize to them, however, you have never tried to contact me. My name, address and email have been listed on the ASIJ site for 30 years. So, why now do you desire to contact others when you haven't to this point contacted me?
I was wrong. I did inexcusable things. I am truly sorry. But, I can only say that I was wrong, very wrong. I am truly sorry for the pain I caused you and others. I don't know what else to say. True, I should have contacted you long ago, especially after the psychologist told me to, but, I did not have the courage. I regret that. What more can I say, Janet. I was wrong. I hurt people I cared about and caused suffering that I may never fully know the extent of. I can only say that I am very, very sorry.
11. Who are the two women you have contacted? I'd like to verify this information. (He names two girls here). I asked ___________ to come back and join me, before I married my wife. I really hoped she would come and that we might marry in the future. (OKAY - people - this person he is referring to was MY age. As a child she lived in his home. I spoke to her at length in 2003 and at that time she told me she would do whatever it took to help us. She also said I could share with you who she was - but I chose not to in case her feelings have changed.) She contacted me later and said she was coming with a friend, but she went to Taiwan and not to Japan. We talked after that. The other girl came back just before she got married. I asked her to stay. I really wanted somebody. We had a short relationship, but she returned to the U.S. and married. We were in contact again some years ago. She, like you, was deeply hurt by my behavior with her when she was a young kid. I apologized to her and explained to her about my current life style. She, like you, was afraid I might molest my own children. I would rather burn in hell than do anything to hurt my children!
12. In addition, I have at least seven women I know who were sexually abused by you. What are the names of those girls you remember molesting?
Girls I had "crushes" on were - (CRUSHES - what does he mean by that? - We were just a high school crush? We didn't have any control over this. ) (He proceeds to name six others besides me - only two names we had were the same - which means at this point we identified at least twelve girls he molested). You were one of those, and I cannot believe or imagine ever "ignoring" you. Others who I was close to but never behaved improperly were.....(names six including Michele) and a few others. The "Moyer groupies", they were called at school. I did not behave incorrectly with any of those kids. (What does "incorrectly" mean to him? I wonder what he thought about kids who witnessed his "indiscretion" and, what about those he placed emotional burdens on.)
13. You say you don't work with children, yet many pictures on the web sites show your involvement with children directly in the ocean or in the programs you say other teachers are leading. How can you prove to me that you are not involved with children anywhere? Why can't your "schools" exist without your physical involvement? Your word is tremendously lacking in credibility, how can I be certain that you are not currently molesting any child, including your own children?
The web site photos are posed....HONESTLY...at the request of the people who run the programs. My name is known in Japan, and my name attracts people to the programs....but I do not have a direct teaching role in any of these programs. One way to prove it would be to have an acquaintance in Japan have her/his high school child take part in one without me knowing it. That would be a source of information of the truth. I can only give you my word. I do not have a problem with kids anymore! As for my own kids, the very thought sickens me. I love them more deeply than any love I have ever known!
14. What do you mean by a limited fixed income? Are you receiving any compensation from retirement from ASIJ? If not, why not? Most people have mortgages for their home and any other properties. Many people have debts that exceed $40,000. In fact, $40,000 is a very low figure in the modern world. I'm not sure how your desire or lack there of to work in the Philippines has anything to do with this. I'm not sure how your current financial obligations have anything to do with this as well. People, all the time sell their assets when they are unable to pay for them. I don't see your family going to jail because they can't pay the debt. I could see that the beach property that you own in your wife's name could be sold to pay the debt you own.
There is no life for my children or my wife in Japan after I die. Japan is a racist country and Southeast Asians bear the brunt of it with Koreans. I want my wife to have a nice house and an income when I die, and I want my kids to get the best possible Philippine education they can get...which is what is happening now and has become immensely difficult due to financial problems.
15. If you are happily married and care for your children, then why are you separated from then? All of us who grew up in Japan had a bi-cultural experience. Why shouldn't they live with you in Japan?I quit ASIJ early, and my pension is a mere $1,000 per month. I do not get Social Security. You said that $40,000 is not much these days. It is an absolute fortune for my wife and me! Both of our houses are mortgaged (the beach house and our home), and my wife has deep debts in addition on both. To make matters worse, she lent the beach house to another person, so that she has loaned the same house to two people - the bank mortgage and the other family....which is illegal. I am trying very, very hard to pay off both of these debts and to keep her out of trouble. I am living an unhappy life here in japan, to make this possible. I will be with them for three weeks from December 11 to 30th...but I want to be with them always. Incidentally, my wife hated living in Japan!!
16. What exactly do you mean by "a large extent?' Your statement reads, and I quote, "Please, Janet, understand that I have dealt with the problem, and to a large extent, succeeded."I have defeated the "attraction to children" problem, thoroughly, but not the problem of "self-contempt" and "self-hate". All I can offer is my word. You seem reluctant to accept that, certainly due to the fact that you were badly hurt by me and you feel like I deliberately manipulated you. I did not, Janet. I was very much attracted to you, (I WAS ELEVEN!!), as unhealthy an attraction as this obviously was! (This makes my stomach hurt.)
17. I have offered to help you and you have requested my help, however, how do I know that this is not another manipulation ploy to get me to succumb to your emotional plea? What concrete evidence do you have to prove that what you are saying is true?
I cannot offer any concrete proof, other than my word, which you do not seem to accept. The plan I suggested above...get someone you trust to take part in one of my programs and get to know the Jack of today - without me knowing it. I would really appreciate it if you would get me into contact with the "seven" women you mentioned. What concrete proof can I offer? Of course I feel terrible about the pain I caused those of you whom I got close to. Of course I do! In my previous two letters I did not focus on that issue, because I was trying to tell you as I am in this letter, that I went through some difficult times then, with myself, and I have broken free from that!! I really have, Janet. True, I owe deep apologies to the people I hurt. I have absolutely no contact with ASIJ or Americans. My entire world is deep within the Japanese culture and/or Philippine culture. I have no school address books, nothing. Put me in contact with those women, and I will apologize, as I said in my first letter. (So now the responsibility is with me to get him in contact with everyone?)
18. Who contacted you in 2000? You mentioned that two ASIJ administrators contacted you. What are their names?
The two ASIJ administrators were ________________ , Director of Business Affairs and _________________, Middle School principal, who had worked with me at Miyake and was shocked. Early, in about 1990 or 1991, the Middle School principal (a different one than the one in 2000) had mentioned to me that she had heard that I was a bad influence around children but that, after working with me - and observing me closely - she felt that I was a very excellent outdoor education person. She saw me in the post 1984 years, when I was an administrator rather than a teacher and lived separately. (I don't guess she ever put her futon next to his when she was eleven either. Besides - don't you think she should have done some more extensive investigations if she had heard some bad things about him? - Who told her? Why didn't they do anything about it? Again, unbelievable!!)
19. What prompted your seeing a psychologist in April of 2003? Who is it? I'd like to speak with him/her. Have you shared with this psychologist your proclivity to abusing children sexually? You say you haven't resumed your molestations? How do I know that? My psychologist is Japanese. Dr. ___________. He is dealing with my depression problems, not child abuse. I do not have that problem any more. Honestly, Janet. My problem today is getting along with myself.
20. I spoke to your wife and she expressed concern of how this will affect her and your children. I resent the fact that SHE has been put in this position. In my opinion, she is as much or more so one of your victims. She just happened to marry you. I am so very sad that she is suffering the consequences of this and that you put her into a position of not only having to suffer your consequences but to try and plead your case for you. Does she know the details of your "problem" in the 70's?
Yes, I told my wife. She knew I was greatly troubled in the years just after our marriage. She made me into a good person. I owe her my life. I am not trying to manipulate your emotions or sympathies. It is true. She did more for me than anyone in my life, including my mother.
21. One of the other "girls" remembered a time when we all went with you to several inaugurations for a Japanese boat company. She remembers being approached by a Japanese man from this company. He made sexual advances to her and she was able to fend him off. When she questioned you about his, your response was, "Well, a man does have needs." What was your involvement in this? I remember several times when we went to things with Japanese men. Was there some sort of young girls sex ring?
I do not remember the incident. Many Miyake males are notorious for that kind of conduct. (Huh?) Lorna hated Miyake! (Huh, Huh?) Obviously, there was no sex ring. I was invited to bring my guests (eleven, twelve and thirteen year old girls?) to important events, like the barbecue done each year by the president of the boat company. There was never any other contact between me and those people, and there still isn't.
22. Evidence that this has taken so long to actually "come out", proves that you were either very selective in those who you chose to abuse or that all of us, ASIJ, our parents, those of us who were abused, were too stupid or weak to recognize the situation as it was and to face it, regardless of the outcome. How did you decide who you were going to chose?
This question is not hard to answer. I really like those kids.....in the absence of a normal adult social life, I became far too deeply involved with kids. (????????????) I suppose it would start with a touch, and then get more intimate. It was not "evil manipulation" in my mind at that time. I regret it deeply.
As for "proof" of who I am today, or, at least who I was in the 1990's, you should write to _____ (the Middle School Principal from the 1990's.)
I have accepted God...but not a Southern Baptist God. It is not an institutionalized thing with me. I do not quote from the Scripture, although I have read it. I pray...for others....my wife, especially now, my kids, and in view of the past few days, the people whom I have hurt in my life. My prayers are not for selfish things for myself. For you and the others, I pray now for peace of mind. For my wife and kids, I pray that I have not ruined their lives by my behavior from 30 years ago, and that I can get my wife out of her economic difficulties.
You said in your letter that it sounded like I was trying to get off the hook. Of course, I want to lead the rest of my life peacefully with myself and my family. That was a difficult problem before your letter... immensely difficult now. But, I know in my own mind, that I am living a very good life style now, as far as my relations with society go...society includes kids. I know that I am very unhappy in my personal life because I put the future of my family above my own happiness, and I work here to provide a future for them in the Philippines. I cannot prove what I say....but I know in my heart that I am telling the truth.
Finally, a psychologist, but probably not a religious person like yourself, would be interested to know that MOST of the relatives on my mother's side of the family killed themselves; my mother, her sister and two older brothers and her nephew. I tried, too. Is there something genetic in suicidal people? (Huh? - He's asking me?) I can only say that, under my current seemingly impossible situation, I cannot imagine taking that approach, due to the torture it would cause my family. I love my family unlike anything I have ever known in my life!!
{End of Email}
Also, as I write, I'm looking back on actions which, at the time, I was right in the midst of. While I was going through this my thoughts and feelings were different, I'm sure. As I look back on it, I must admit, reading through these emails and correspondence again sometimes makes me sick to my stomach, keeps me awake at night and causes me to be more self-focused than I want to be. I am finding a real need to get through this and get on the other side.
As you read this, please remember this is not only a recollection of circumstances from years ago, but also my own emotions now as I go through this. So when I write that it's becoming more difficult, and/or that I want to quit, I don't anticipate getting this far and doing that, it's just how I am feeling at that point.
If you are the praying sort of person, prayer is always good and I depend on it and covet it. "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you." John 14: 27
So as I continue the journey, I take with me your support and encouragement. It's interesting to read the responses I have received so far. I expected to get a lot more negative reactions but am experiencing nothing of the sort. So far, all but a couple of responses have been in complete support of me and for that I thank you. Your comments do help to spur me on and encourage me to make it to the end. If you are reading on the blog site and want to comment just to me, you may write me via email at janet@calcote.com or you can write through facebook via the "inbox". Either way works without anyone else reading it. I may not directly respond to your comment but I try to send a collective message whenever I can.
After my extensive response to Jacks email, I received a response sometime during the week before Thanksgiving, 2003. As I type the email, my current/present remarks are in (parenthesis.)
Dear Janet,
I have read your letter, and I will comment on it to the best of my ability. I attempted to kill myself in 1985. I never in either of my letters to you to date threatened to do so again. I have two children and a wife - in trouble - that I would never do that to. As for the case of me "ignoring you" when you met the boat, I have absolutely no recollection of that, and , in my memories of you, I doubt that I would have done such a thing. (Unbelievable!!) Who was I with? Was I stressed? (How the hell am I supposed to know!!)
Let me turn to your questions: (This remark seems to deliberate - or rehearsed)
1. Why did you suspect that I might have been the "one" who contacted ASIJ in 2000? I expected it might be you because my actions with you took place when you were quite young and were more intimate and shameful than what took place with other kids, except __________ and ______________, with whom I corresponded on this subject some years ago.
2. How have you "taken responsibility" for your actions?
What have I done to correct these mistakes? I have tried since the 1980's to lead a good life and contribute positively to society. I have especially succeeded in Japan. I have had next to no contact with ASIJ for years, and my contributions are in Japanese society, as you can see on the internet. I try to help people whenever I can. I try to be a decent person. That is really all I can say.
3. Why do you suppose being divorced or dealing with grief from your mother's death would "cause" you to molest children? Many people suffer through divorce, death of much worse and do not resort to child abuse.
This is a difficult question. (He proceeds to say some not so nice things about his ex-wife). I went on weekends on various trips and had little to do with the faculty socially. I became too deeply involved in the kids world and became emotionally attached to some of them.. you were one, ________ and _________ were others. (I don't think he understood the implications of my question. My question was a bit sarcastic.)
4. When did you leave ASIJ? Was it permanent? Did anyone from the administration confront you prior to 2000? When did they? Who was it? Why did you leave ASIJ? What is the time reference to your leaving ASIJ and your going to Santa Barbara?
I quit ASIJ in 1984, after I got my doctorate, and tried to start a new life as a scientist. I went to Santa Barbara for a trimester, returning to Japan, my only home, in March 1985. I did not return to ASIJ, but lived alone at Miyake. This was the period that Miyake was being threatened by a military airport. I became very involved in working against that. ASIJ wanted to continue the Miyake program, and did so. (WOW - and this is after how many people came forward and told the administration about his sexual abuse?) I lived in a separate house. The school ran their own program. I was on-island administrator. I met the boats, got the vans to the proper pier, which depended upon the wind, brought the food, paid all the bills, made all the minshuku (hostel) arrangements and told the shrine story. The house I lived in was one I built for scientists who used my marine lab. I did not know the kids names nor have the time or the desire to get to know them personally. From 1993 to the volcano in 2000, I worked at the Miyake Nature Center from 8-5 daily, taking even less part in the program. The program ended with the eruption of the volcano in 2000. I can honestly say that I do not know the names of any of the kids that were in the program during that period.....I was that far removed from it. I led the shrine story night, a singing night, and I guided them to the far side of the island to experience the Miyake taiko drumming, which I explained - because the explanations were in Japanese.
(I wonder if he forgot the young ASIJ student who he asked to help him solicit money for his farm after the volcano erupted. How many ASIJ alumni/parents/faculty received that email?)
5. When did you return to Japan? Did you return to ASIJ? Did you resume your work with the Miyake program? What was the school's involvement with that? What were the terms of the arrangement between you and ASIJ? What, if anything, happened in 1990 after the "70's" reunion in Long Beach when you were nominated "favorite teacher" and then the award was pulled from you?
I knew very little about the 1970's reunion. I was told that I had won the "best teacher" vote, but then I was told that a last minute rush of votes gave the prize to Mr. Gallagher. That is all I know. It was not a big deal to me.
6. The use of the word "improper" is incredibly benign in describing these relationships. Did you tell your psychologist in Santa Barbara that you were a child sexual predator and that you had sexually abused many girls? If so, why would she/he not suggest you contact us and deal with the issue at that time? Any competent psychologist would have advised you to : 1) admit your problem and face it, 2) make restitution to those whom you abused, 3) be willing to suffer the consequences of your actions and 4) immediately stop being in contact of any form with children.
My psychologist in California - the 2nd one - told me what you said, but I ran from it. I did not face up to it. I was convinced I could start a new life, and I feel that I did. What I could not run away from was my self-hate and guilt.
7. Are you still in touch with the psychologist in Santa Barbara? I'd like to get in touch with him/her with your request of release of information.
There were two psychologists in California. They first treated me in the hospital after I tried to kill myself, and was more concerned with controlling my self-destructive impulses. I went to the 2nd psychologist after I got out of the hospital. I do not remember their names....HONESTLY! As I said, I did not follow all of the advise of the 2nd one. He helped me a lot, though, and I did not return to close relationships with kids.
8. You say you lived alone after that not interacting with any children. What, if any, was ASIJ's involvement in this?
After I returned to Japan, I had no involvement with ASIJ except as I said above. They continued the Miyake Program. Later, from about 1996 or so, I guided PTA Family eco tours to various parts of Japan....3 times per year, ending in 1999. I was deeply involved with my research in the early part of those days, and in my marriage from 1987.
9. You also mentioned that you didn't have any involvement with children after the 1970's yet you married a young (17 year old?) girl when you were 59. I'm not sure I follow that explanation. My wife was an adult, in her twenties, when we were married. I was 57. There are many such marriages. I grew to deeply love her, and that love continues to grow...our problems with finances now and the effect they may have on her future after I die is my chief concern in the world - along with the subject of this letter.
10. You say you would like to contact the women I've communicated with to apologize to them, however, you have never tried to contact me. My name, address and email have been listed on the ASIJ site for 30 years. So, why now do you desire to contact others when you haven't to this point contacted me?
I was wrong. I did inexcusable things. I am truly sorry. But, I can only say that I was wrong, very wrong. I am truly sorry for the pain I caused you and others. I don't know what else to say. True, I should have contacted you long ago, especially after the psychologist told me to, but, I did not have the courage. I regret that. What more can I say, Janet. I was wrong. I hurt people I cared about and caused suffering that I may never fully know the extent of. I can only say that I am very, very sorry.
11. Who are the two women you have contacted? I'd like to verify this information. (He names two girls here). I asked ___________ to come back and join me, before I married my wife. I really hoped she would come and that we might marry in the future. (OKAY - people - this person he is referring to was MY age. As a child she lived in his home. I spoke to her at length in 2003 and at that time she told me she would do whatever it took to help us. She also said I could share with you who she was - but I chose not to in case her feelings have changed.) She contacted me later and said she was coming with a friend, but she went to Taiwan and not to Japan. We talked after that. The other girl came back just before she got married. I asked her to stay. I really wanted somebody. We had a short relationship, but she returned to the U.S. and married. We were in contact again some years ago. She, like you, was deeply hurt by my behavior with her when she was a young kid. I apologized to her and explained to her about my current life style. She, like you, was afraid I might molest my own children. I would rather burn in hell than do anything to hurt my children!
12. In addition, I have at least seven women I know who were sexually abused by you. What are the names of those girls you remember molesting?
Girls I had "crushes" on were - (CRUSHES - what does he mean by that? - We were just a high school crush? We didn't have any control over this. ) (He proceeds to name six others besides me - only two names we had were the same - which means at this point we identified at least twelve girls he molested). You were one of those, and I cannot believe or imagine ever "ignoring" you. Others who I was close to but never behaved improperly were.....(names six including Michele) and a few others. The "Moyer groupies", they were called at school. I did not behave incorrectly with any of those kids. (What does "incorrectly" mean to him? I wonder what he thought about kids who witnessed his "indiscretion" and, what about those he placed emotional burdens on.)
13. You say you don't work with children, yet many pictures on the web sites show your involvement with children directly in the ocean or in the programs you say other teachers are leading. How can you prove to me that you are not involved with children anywhere? Why can't your "schools" exist without your physical involvement? Your word is tremendously lacking in credibility, how can I be certain that you are not currently molesting any child, including your own children?
The web site photos are posed....HONESTLY...at the request of the people who run the programs. My name is known in Japan, and my name attracts people to the programs....but I do not have a direct teaching role in any of these programs. One way to prove it would be to have an acquaintance in Japan have her/his high school child take part in one without me knowing it. That would be a source of information of the truth. I can only give you my word. I do not have a problem with kids anymore! As for my own kids, the very thought sickens me. I love them more deeply than any love I have ever known!
14. What do you mean by a limited fixed income? Are you receiving any compensation from retirement from ASIJ? If not, why not? Most people have mortgages for their home and any other properties. Many people have debts that exceed $40,000. In fact, $40,000 is a very low figure in the modern world. I'm not sure how your desire or lack there of to work in the Philippines has anything to do with this. I'm not sure how your current financial obligations have anything to do with this as well. People, all the time sell their assets when they are unable to pay for them. I don't see your family going to jail because they can't pay the debt. I could see that the beach property that you own in your wife's name could be sold to pay the debt you own.
There is no life for my children or my wife in Japan after I die. Japan is a racist country and Southeast Asians bear the brunt of it with Koreans. I want my wife to have a nice house and an income when I die, and I want my kids to get the best possible Philippine education they can get...which is what is happening now and has become immensely difficult due to financial problems.
15. If you are happily married and care for your children, then why are you separated from then? All of us who grew up in Japan had a bi-cultural experience. Why shouldn't they live with you in Japan?I quit ASIJ early, and my pension is a mere $1,000 per month. I do not get Social Security. You said that $40,000 is not much these days. It is an absolute fortune for my wife and me! Both of our houses are mortgaged (the beach house and our home), and my wife has deep debts in addition on both. To make matters worse, she lent the beach house to another person, so that she has loaned the same house to two people - the bank mortgage and the other family....which is illegal. I am trying very, very hard to pay off both of these debts and to keep her out of trouble. I am living an unhappy life here in japan, to make this possible. I will be with them for three weeks from December 11 to 30th...but I want to be with them always. Incidentally, my wife hated living in Japan!!
16. What exactly do you mean by "a large extent?' Your statement reads, and I quote, "Please, Janet, understand that I have dealt with the problem, and to a large extent, succeeded."I have defeated the "attraction to children" problem, thoroughly, but not the problem of "self-contempt" and "self-hate". All I can offer is my word. You seem reluctant to accept that, certainly due to the fact that you were badly hurt by me and you feel like I deliberately manipulated you. I did not, Janet. I was very much attracted to you, (I WAS ELEVEN!!), as unhealthy an attraction as this obviously was! (This makes my stomach hurt.)
17. I have offered to help you and you have requested my help, however, how do I know that this is not another manipulation ploy to get me to succumb to your emotional plea? What concrete evidence do you have to prove that what you are saying is true?
I cannot offer any concrete proof, other than my word, which you do not seem to accept. The plan I suggested above...get someone you trust to take part in one of my programs and get to know the Jack of today - without me knowing it. I would really appreciate it if you would get me into contact with the "seven" women you mentioned. What concrete proof can I offer? Of course I feel terrible about the pain I caused those of you whom I got close to. Of course I do! In my previous two letters I did not focus on that issue, because I was trying to tell you as I am in this letter, that I went through some difficult times then, with myself, and I have broken free from that!! I really have, Janet. True, I owe deep apologies to the people I hurt. I have absolutely no contact with ASIJ or Americans. My entire world is deep within the Japanese culture and/or Philippine culture. I have no school address books, nothing. Put me in contact with those women, and I will apologize, as I said in my first letter. (So now the responsibility is with me to get him in contact with everyone?)
18. Who contacted you in 2000? You mentioned that two ASIJ administrators contacted you. What are their names?
The two ASIJ administrators were ________________ , Director of Business Affairs and _________________, Middle School principal, who had worked with me at Miyake and was shocked. Early, in about 1990 or 1991, the Middle School principal (a different one than the one in 2000) had mentioned to me that she had heard that I was a bad influence around children but that, after working with me - and observing me closely - she felt that I was a very excellent outdoor education person. She saw me in the post 1984 years, when I was an administrator rather than a teacher and lived separately. (I don't guess she ever put her futon next to his when she was eleven either. Besides - don't you think she should have done some more extensive investigations if she had heard some bad things about him? - Who told her? Why didn't they do anything about it? Again, unbelievable!!)
19. What prompted your seeing a psychologist in April of 2003? Who is it? I'd like to speak with him/her. Have you shared with this psychologist your proclivity to abusing children sexually? You say you haven't resumed your molestations? How do I know that? My psychologist is Japanese. Dr. ___________. He is dealing with my depression problems, not child abuse. I do not have that problem any more. Honestly, Janet. My problem today is getting along with myself.
20. I spoke to your wife and she expressed concern of how this will affect her and your children. I resent the fact that SHE has been put in this position. In my opinion, she is as much or more so one of your victims. She just happened to marry you. I am so very sad that she is suffering the consequences of this and that you put her into a position of not only having to suffer your consequences but to try and plead your case for you. Does she know the details of your "problem" in the 70's?
Yes, I told my wife. She knew I was greatly troubled in the years just after our marriage. She made me into a good person. I owe her my life. I am not trying to manipulate your emotions or sympathies. It is true. She did more for me than anyone in my life, including my mother.
21. One of the other "girls" remembered a time when we all went with you to several inaugurations for a Japanese boat company. She remembers being approached by a Japanese man from this company. He made sexual advances to her and she was able to fend him off. When she questioned you about his, your response was, "Well, a man does have needs." What was your involvement in this? I remember several times when we went to things with Japanese men. Was there some sort of young girls sex ring?
I do not remember the incident. Many Miyake males are notorious for that kind of conduct. (Huh?) Lorna hated Miyake! (Huh, Huh?) Obviously, there was no sex ring. I was invited to bring my guests (eleven, twelve and thirteen year old girls?) to important events, like the barbecue done each year by the president of the boat company. There was never any other contact between me and those people, and there still isn't.
22. Evidence that this has taken so long to actually "come out", proves that you were either very selective in those who you chose to abuse or that all of us, ASIJ, our parents, those of us who were abused, were too stupid or weak to recognize the situation as it was and to face it, regardless of the outcome. How did you decide who you were going to chose?
This question is not hard to answer. I really like those kids.....in the absence of a normal adult social life, I became far too deeply involved with kids. (????????????) I suppose it would start with a touch, and then get more intimate. It was not "evil manipulation" in my mind at that time. I regret it deeply.
As for "proof" of who I am today, or, at least who I was in the 1990's, you should write to _____ (the Middle School Principal from the 1990's.)
I have accepted God...but not a Southern Baptist God. It is not an institutionalized thing with me. I do not quote from the Scripture, although I have read it. I pray...for others....my wife, especially now, my kids, and in view of the past few days, the people whom I have hurt in my life. My prayers are not for selfish things for myself. For you and the others, I pray now for peace of mind. For my wife and kids, I pray that I have not ruined their lives by my behavior from 30 years ago, and that I can get my wife out of her economic difficulties.
You said in your letter that it sounded like I was trying to get off the hook. Of course, I want to lead the rest of my life peacefully with myself and my family. That was a difficult problem before your letter... immensely difficult now. But, I know in my own mind, that I am living a very good life style now, as far as my relations with society go...society includes kids. I know that I am very unhappy in my personal life because I put the future of my family above my own happiness, and I work here to provide a future for them in the Philippines. I cannot prove what I say....but I know in my heart that I am telling the truth.
Finally, a psychologist, but probably not a religious person like yourself, would be interested to know that MOST of the relatives on my mother's side of the family killed themselves; my mother, her sister and two older brothers and her nephew. I tried, too. Is there something genetic in suicidal people? (Huh? - He's asking me?) I can only say that, under my current seemingly impossible situation, I cannot imagine taking that approach, due to the torture it would cause my family. I love my family unlike anything I have ever known in my life!!
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