Saturday, November 7, 2009

Day Fifty-0ne Dauphin Island - Beautiful and peaceful

Back at the beach enjoying the beauty of the fall in the south. Temperatures are in the mid 70's and dipping into the 60's at night. I'm watching LSU play Alabama with Chuck at the "Oarhouse". Funny play on words. For those of you who are just joining in on this blog I want to remind you that most of the time frame referenced is during 2003 and 2004. I have received comments and responses as if this is present and it's what I'm experiencing now. I'm just going back several years and sharing my experience in confronting my abuser. Any advise as to how I should handle the situation is somewhat futile since it has already happened. I do appreciate your thoughts, however, and encourage you to continue reading and responding.

I'm going through the disk Michele sent me last week and realize that I have forgotten a lot. I'm not sure, however, whether or not the stuff I forgot really matters. I do remember while I was going through all of this I counted on my siblings a great deal. Particularly my oldest brother and oldest sister. While going through this mess, questioning whether or not I was doing the right thing, I was talking to my oldest brother about it. He reminded me about the statement made by Edmund Burke, "All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." That really made me think about what we were doing.

But even so, I still questioned and maybe even still do, whether or not we did the right thing. The most difficult thing to figure out during all this time was, "What if he is telling the truth?" Although everything we read, studied and learned said that pedophiles don't change, he still had somewhat of a manipulative hold on me. Many comments have noticed that Jack was still using his manipulative tactics to influence me. That's why, I think, what happened next happened.

Thanksgiving 2003, my family went to my Mom and Dad's in Mississippi. We planned to go for a couple of day as my husband and boys wanted to return to Baton Rouge to see LSU play Arkansas, a tradition during the Thanksgiving holidays. Because I wasn't going to the game, I stayed in Mississippi until Saturday. When I returned home, Chuck (my husband) met me at the door. He said, "There is a message on the answering machine. I wanted to let you know about it before you listen to it. It's from Jack."

I really never thought he would actually call me. But, then again, I really never thought any of this would happen to me. You know when girls are young and they imagine their lives as women, as mothers, as wives...... I don't remember ever imagining that as a young informative teenager. I don't remember day dreaming about being married.........having young children.......being a working woman........ I really don't remember day dreaming about much.

I do remember during seventh grade my friend and I would "pretend" we were cheerleaders and "pretend" we had boyfriends. We would go into our living room and completely rearrange the furniture, and do our cheers and act like we were swooning the boys. Very funny. Those memories are fun and innocent. In fact, my friend and I were talking about those memories a few weeks ago at the SBMK reunion we had in October. We both later cheered together and had some really good real memories.

While I was in Mississippi during Thanksgiving, I told my parents what we (Michele and I) were doing. Up to this point they didn't know anything about Michele and my endeavors. When I let them know that I sent a letter to Jack, my Mother responded hesitantly. She asked me why I "let" him do that to me? My interpretation of that was - "You were in control, you let him do it. So why are you bringing this up now." But because I had gotten to this point, being able to "confront" him, I was also able to handle to responses I got from others, even my parents. To the point that I was able to not only answer her but forgive her. It's really hard being a parent. We try to protect our children, but we also want to give them the freedom to make their own choices. It's sometimes hard to understand the difference between freedom and abuse. Sometimes, parents need forgiveness, too. I hope my kids will forgive me for everything I've done or haven't done for them.

After I returned home and Chuck told me about Jack calling, my knees went weak. I wasn't sure I could talk to him or even listen to his voice. I did finally listen to his voice mail and heard a pleading desperate man. At that point, I wasn't sure I could go forward. Chuck was sure I couldn't and basically told me that I couldn't continue to contact him. So, at this point, I turned over the reigns to Michele and she took over the correspondence with Jack. I sent an email telling him that I couldn't correspond with him anymore because he was using his manipulative tactics with me and I wasn't willing to subject myself to that. So, he began corresponding with Michele. We were now at the end of November and the beginning of December, 2003,

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