Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Day Forty-nine

When I first started to write this blog, I really thought that I could do it without much emotion, after all, I've already been through all this stuff and I made it through then right? And although I do believe I have pretty much "healed" from all of this I realize now that there are things that still hurt and cause me much emotion. I guess it's kind of like an injury you got from a hard blow or cut that has "healed" but when it gets cold outside or starts to rain the point of injury lets you know it's still there.

Also, as I write, I'm looking back on actions which, at the time, I was right in the midst of. While I was going through this my thoughts and feelings were different, I'm sure. As I look back on it, I must admit, reading through these emails and correspondence again sometimes makes me sick to my stomach, keeps me awake at night and causes me to be more self-focused than I want to be. I am finding a real need to get through this and get on the other side.

As you read this, please remember this is not only a recollection of circumstances from years ago, but also my own emotions now as I go through this. So when I write that it's becoming more difficult, and/or that I want to quit, I don't anticipate getting this far and doing that, it's just how I am feeling at that point.

If you are the praying sort of person, prayer is always good and I depend on it and covet it. "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you." John 14: 27

So as I continue the journey, I take with me your support and encouragement. It's interesting to read the responses I have received so far. I expected to get a lot more negative reactions but am experiencing nothing of the sort. So far, all but a couple of responses have been in complete support of me and for that I thank you. Your comments do help to spur me on and encourage me to make it to the end. If you are reading on the blog site and want to comment just to me, you may write me via email at janet@calcote.com or you can write through facebook via the "inbox". Either way works without anyone else reading it. I may not directly respond to your comment but I try to send a collective message whenever I can.

After my extensive response to Jacks email, I received a response sometime during the week before Thanksgiving, 2003. As I type the email, my current/present remarks are in (parenthesis.)

Dear Janet,

I have read your letter, and I will comment on it to the best of my ability. I attempted to kill myself in 1985. I never in either of my letters to you to date threatened to do so again. I have two children and a wife - in trouble - that I would never do that to. As for the case of me "ignoring you" when you met the boat, I have absolutely no recollection of that, and , in my memories of you, I doubt that I would have done such a thing. (Unbelievable!!) Who was I with? Was I stressed? (How the hell am I supposed to know!!)

Let me turn to your questions: (This remark seems to deliberate - or rehearsed)

1. Why did you suspect that I might have been the "one" who contacted ASIJ in 2000? I expected it might be you because my actions with you took place when you were quite young and were more intimate and shameful than what took place with other kids, except __________ and ______________, with whom I corresponded on this subject some years ago.

2. How have you "taken responsibility" for your actions?
What have I done to correct these mistakes? I have tried since the 1980's to lead a good life and contribute positively to society. I have especially succeeded in Japan. I have had next to no contact with ASIJ for years, and my contributions are in Japanese society, as you can see on the internet. I try to help people whenever I can. I try to be a decent person. That is really all I can say.

3. Why do you suppose being divorced or dealing with grief from your mother's death would "cause" you to molest children? Many people suffer through divorce, death of much worse and do not resort to child abuse.

This is a difficult question. (He proceeds to say some not so nice things about his ex-wife). I went on weekends on various trips and had little to do with the faculty socially. I became too deeply involved in the kids world and became emotionally attached to some of them.. you were one, ________ and _________ were others. (I don't think he understood the implications of my question. My question was a bit sarcastic.)

4. When did you leave ASIJ? Was it permanent? Did anyone from the administration confront you prior to 2000? When did they? Who was it? Why did you leave ASIJ? What is the time reference to your leaving ASIJ and your going to Santa Barbara?
I quit ASIJ in 1984, after I got my doctorate, and tried to start a new life as a scientist. I went to Santa Barbara for a trimester, returning to Japan, my only home, in March 1985. I did not return to ASIJ, but lived alone at Miyake. This was the period that Miyake was being threatened by a military airport. I became very involved in working against that. ASIJ wanted to continue the Miyake program, and did so. (WOW - and this is after how many people came forward and told the administration about his sexual abuse?) I lived in a separate house. The school ran their own program. I was on-island administrator. I met the boats, got the vans to the proper pier, which depended upon the wind, brought the food, paid all the bills, made all the minshuku (hostel) arrangements and told the shrine story. The house I lived in was one I built for scientists who used my marine lab. I did not know the kids names nor have the time or the desire to get to know them personally. From 1993 to the volcano in 2000, I worked at the Miyake Nature Center from 8-5 daily, taking even less part in the program. The program ended with the eruption of the volcano in 2000. I can honestly say that I do not know the names of any of the kids that were in the program during that period.....I was that far removed from it. I led the shrine story night, a singing night, and I guided them to the far side of the island to experience the Miyake taiko drumming, which I explained - because the explanations were in Japanese.
(I wonder if he forgot the young ASIJ student who he asked to help him solicit money for his farm after the volcano erupted. How many ASIJ alumni/parents/faculty received that email?)

5. When did you return to Japan? Did you return to ASIJ? Did you resume your work with the Miyake program? What was the school's involvement with that? What were the terms of the arrangement between you and ASIJ? What, if anything, happened in 1990 after the "70's" reunion in Long Beach when you were nominated "favorite teacher" and then the award was pulled from you?
I knew very little about the 1970's reunion. I was told that I had won the "best teacher" vote, but then I was told that a last minute rush of votes gave the prize to Mr. Gallagher. That is all I know. It was not a big deal to me.

6. The use of the word "improper" is incredibly benign in describing these relationships. Did you tell your psychologist in Santa Barbara that you were a child sexual predator and that you had sexually abused many girls? If so, why would she/he not suggest you contact us and deal with the issue at that time? Any competent psychologist would have advised you to : 1) admit your problem and face it, 2) make restitution to those whom you abused, 3) be willing to suffer the consequences of your actions and 4) immediately stop being in contact of any form with children.
My psychologist in California - the 2nd one - told me what you said, but I ran from it. I did not face up to it. I was convinced I could start a new life, and I feel that I did. What I could not run away from was my self-hate and guilt.

7. Are you still in touch with the psychologist in Santa Barbara? I'd like to get in touch with him/her with your request of release of information.
There were two psychologists in California. They first treated me in the hospital after I tried to kill myself, and was more concerned with controlling my self-destructive impulses. I went to the 2nd psychologist after I got out of the hospital. I do not remember their names....HONESTLY! As I said, I did not follow all of the advise of the 2nd one. He helped me a lot, though, and I did not return to close relationships with kids.

8. You say you lived alone after that not interacting with any children. What, if any, was ASIJ's involvement in this?
After I returned to Japan, I had no involvement with ASIJ except as I said above. They continued the Miyake Program. Later, from about 1996 or so, I guided PTA Family eco tours to various parts of Japan....3 times per year, ending in 1999. I was deeply involved with my research in the early part of those days, and in my marriage from 1987.

9. You also mentioned that you didn't have any involvement with children after the 1970's yet you married a young (17 year old?) girl when you were 59. I'm not sure I follow that explanation. My wife was an adult, in her twenties, when we were married. I was 57. There are many such marriages. I grew to deeply love her, and that love continues to grow...our problems with finances now and the effect they may have on her future after I die is my chief concern in the world - along with the subject of this letter.

10. You say you would like to contact the women I've communicated with to apologize to them, however, you have never tried to contact me. My name, address and email have been listed on the ASIJ site for 30 years. So, why now do you desire to contact others when you haven't to this point contacted me?
I was wrong. I did inexcusable things. I am truly sorry. But, I can only say that I was wrong, very wrong. I am truly sorry for the pain I caused you and others. I don't know what else to say. True, I should have contacted you long ago, especially after the psychologist told me to, but, I did not have the courage. I regret that. What more can I say, Janet. I was wrong. I hurt people I cared about and caused suffering that I may never fully know the extent of. I can only say that I am very, very sorry.

11. Who are the two women you have contacted? I'd like to verify this information. (He names two girls here). I asked ___________ to come back and join me, before I married my wife. I really hoped she would come and that we might marry in the future. (OKAY - people - this person he is referring to was MY age. As a child she lived in his home. I spoke to her at length in 2003 and at that time she told me she would do whatever it took to help us. She also said I could share with you who she was - but I chose not to in case her feelings have changed.) She contacted me later and said she was coming with a friend, but she went to Taiwan and not to Japan. We talked after that. The other girl came back just before she got married. I asked her to stay. I really wanted somebody. We had a short relationship, but she returned to the U.S. and married. We were in contact again some years ago. She, like you, was deeply hurt by my behavior with her when she was a young kid. I apologized to her and explained to her about my current life style. She, like you, was afraid I might molest my own children. I would rather burn in hell than do anything to hurt my children!

12. In addition, I have at least seven women I know who were sexually abused by you. What are the names of those girls you remember molesting?
Girls I had "crushes" on were - (CRUSHES - what does he mean by that? - We were just a high school crush? We didn't have any control over this. ) (He proceeds to name six others besides me - only two names we had were the same - which means at this point we identified at least twelve girls he molested). You were one of those, and I cannot believe or imagine ever "ignoring" you. Others who I was close to but never behaved improperly were.....(names six including Michele) and a few others. The "Moyer groupies", they were called at school. I did not behave incorrectly with any of those kids. (What does "incorrectly" mean to him? I wonder what he thought about kids who witnessed his "indiscretion" and, what about those he placed emotional burdens on.)

13. You say you don't work with children, yet many pictures on the web sites show your involvement with children directly in the ocean or in the programs you say other teachers are leading. How can you prove to me that you are not involved with children anywhere? Why can't your "schools" exist without your physical involvement? Your word is tremendously lacking in credibility, how can I be certain that you are not currently molesting any child, including your own children?
The web site photos are posed....HONESTLY...at the request of the people who run the programs. My name is known in Japan, and my name attracts people to the programs....but I do not have a direct teaching role in any of these programs. One way to prove it would be to have an acquaintance in Japan have her/his high school child take part in one without me knowing it. That would be a source of information of the truth. I can only give you my word. I do not have a problem with kids anymore! As for my own kids, the very thought sickens me. I love them more deeply than any love I have ever known!

14. What do you mean by a limited fixed income? Are you receiving any compensation from retirement from ASIJ? If not, why not? Most people have mortgages for their home and any other properties. Many people have debts that exceed $40,000. In fact, $40,000 is a very low figure in the modern world. I'm not sure how your desire or lack there of to work in the Philippines has anything to do with this. I'm not sure how your current financial obligations have anything to do with this as well. People, all the time sell their assets when they are unable to pay for them. I don't see your family going to jail because they can't pay the debt. I could see that the beach property that you own in your wife's name could be sold to pay the debt you own.
There is no life for my children or my wife in Japan after I die. Japan is a racist country and Southeast Asians bear the brunt of it with Koreans. I want my wife to have a nice house and an income when I die, and I want my kids to get the best possible Philippine education they can get...which is what is happening now and has become immensely difficult due to financial problems.

15. If you are happily married and care for your children, then why are you separated from then? All of us who grew up in Japan had a bi-cultural experience. Why shouldn't they live with you in Japan?
I quit ASIJ early, and my pension is a mere $1,000 per month. I do not get Social Security. You said that $40,000 is not much these days. It is an absolute fortune for my wife and me! Both of our houses are mortgaged (the beach house and our home), and my wife has deep debts in addition on both. To make matters worse, she lent the beach house to another person, so that she has loaned the same house to two people - the bank mortgage and the other family....which is illegal. I am trying very, very hard to pay off both of these debts and to keep her out of trouble. I am living an unhappy life here in japan, to make this possible. I will be with them for three weeks from December 11 to 30th...but I want to be with them always. Incidentally, my wife hated living in Japan!!

16. What exactly do you mean by "a large extent?' Your statement reads, and I quote, "Please, Janet, understand that I have dealt with the problem, and to a large extent, succeeded."
I have defeated the "attraction to children" problem, thoroughly, but not the problem of "self-contempt" and "self-hate". All I can offer is my word. You seem reluctant to accept that, certainly due to the fact that you were badly hurt by me and you feel like I deliberately manipulated you. I did not, Janet. I was very much attracted to you, (I WAS ELEVEN!!), as unhealthy an attraction as this obviously was! (This makes my stomach hurt.)

17. I have offered to help you and you have requested my help, however, how do I know that this is not another manipulation ploy to get me to succumb to your emotional plea? What concrete evidence do you have to prove that what you are saying is true?
I cannot offer any concrete proof, other than my word, which you do not seem to accept. The plan I suggested above...get someone you trust to take part in one of my programs and get to know the Jack of today - without me knowing it. I would really appreciate it if you would get me into contact with the "seven" women you mentioned. What concrete proof can I offer? Of course I feel terrible about the pain I caused those of you whom I got close to. Of course I do! In my previous two letters I did not focus on that issue, because I was trying to tell you as I am in this letter, that I went through some difficult times then, with myself, and I have broken free from that!! I really have, Janet. True, I owe deep apologies to the people I hurt. I have absolutely no contact with ASIJ or Americans. My entire world is deep within the Japanese culture and/or Philippine culture. I have no school address books, nothing. Put me in contact with those women, and I will apologize, as I said in my first letter. (So now the responsibility is with me to get him in contact with everyone?)

18. Who contacted you in 2000? You mentioned that two ASIJ administrators contacted you. What are their names?
The two ASIJ administrators were ________________ , Director of Business Affairs and _________________, Middle School principal, who had worked with me at Miyake and was shocked. Early, in about 1990 or 1991, the Middle School principal (a different one than the one in 2000) had mentioned to me that she had heard that I was a bad influence around children but that, after working with me - and observing me closely - she felt that I was a very excellent outdoor education person. She saw me in the post 1984 years, when I was an administrator rather than a teacher and lived separately. (I don't guess she ever put her futon next to his when she was eleven either. Besides - don't you think she should have done some more extensive investigations if she had heard some bad things about him? - Who told her? Why didn't they do anything about it? Again, unbelievable!!)

19. What prompted your seeing a psychologist in April of 2003? Who is it? I'd like to speak with him/her. Have you shared with this psychologist your proclivity to abusing children sexually? You say you haven't resumed your molestations? How do I know that? My psychologist is Japanese. Dr. ___________. He is dealing with my depression problems, not child abuse. I do not have that problem any more. Honestly, Janet. My problem today is getting along with myself.

20. I spoke to your wife and she expressed concern of how this will affect her and your children. I resent the fact that SHE has been put in this position. In my opinion, she is as much or more so one of your victims. She just happened to marry you. I am so very sad that she is suffering the consequences of this and that you put her into a position of not only having to suffer your consequences but to try and plead your case for you. Does she know the details of your "problem" in the 70's?

Yes, I told my wife. She knew I was greatly troubled in the years just after our marriage. She made me into a good person. I owe her my life. I am not trying to manipulate your emotions or sympathies. It is true. She did more for me than anyone in my life, including my mother.

21. One of the other "girls" remembered a time when we all went with you to several inaugurations for a Japanese boat company. She remembers being approached by a Japanese man from this company. He made sexual advances to her and she was able to fend him off. When she questioned you about his, your response was, "Well, a man does have needs." What was your involvement in this? I remember several times when we went to things with Japanese men. Was there some sort of young girls sex ring?

I do not remember the incident. Many Miyake males are notorious for that kind of conduct. (Huh?) Lorna hated Miyake! (Huh, Huh?) Obviously, there was no sex ring. I was invited to bring my guests (eleven, twelve and thirteen year old girls?) to important events, like the barbecue done each year by the president of the boat company. There was never any other contact between me and those people, and there still isn't.

22. Evidence that this has taken so long to actually "come out", proves that you were either very selective in those who you chose to abuse or that all of us, ASIJ, our parents, those of us who were abused, were too stupid or weak to recognize the situation as it was and to face it, regardless of the outcome. How did you decide who you were going to chose?
This question is not hard to answer. I really like those kids.....in the absence of a normal adult social life, I became far too deeply involved with kids. (????????????) I suppose it would start with a touch, and then get more intimate. It was not "evil manipulation" in my mind at that time. I regret it deeply.
As for "proof" of who I am today, or, at least who I was in the 1990's, you should write to _____ (the Middle School Principal from the 1990's.)
I have accepted God...but not a Southern Baptist God. It is not an institutionalized thing with me. I do not quote from the Scripture, although I have read it. I pray...for others....my wife, especially now, my kids, and in view of the past few days, the people whom I have hurt in my life. My prayers are not for selfish things for myself. For you and the others, I pray now for peace of mind. For my wife and kids, I pray that I have not ruined their lives by my behavior from 30 years ago, and that I can get my wife out of her economic difficulties.
You said in your letter that it sounded like I was trying to get off the hook. Of course, I want to lead the rest of my life peacefully with myself and my family. That was a difficult problem before your letter... immensely difficult now. But, I know in my own mind, that I am living a very good life style now, as far as my relations with society go...society includes kids. I know that I am very unhappy in my personal life because I put the future of my family above my own happiness, and I work here to provide a future for them in the Philippines. I cannot prove what I say....but I know in my heart that I am telling the truth.
Finally, a psychologist, but probably not a religious person like yourself, would be interested to know that MOST of the relatives on my mother's side of the family killed themselves; my mother, her sister and two older brothers and her nephew. I tried, too. Is there something genetic in suicidal people? (Huh? - He's asking me?) I can only say that, under my current seemingly impossible situation, I cannot imagine taking that approach, due to the torture it would cause my family. I love my family unlike anything I have ever known in my life!!
{End of Email}

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