Sunday, November 1, 2009

Day Forty-seven - Harder and harder

It's getting harder and harder to continue writing. I'm not sure if it is lack of motivation or fear of going forward. It may be a little of both. As I re-read my last post ,I was reminded about a sermon our Associate Pastor preached when we lived in Nashville and attended Christ Presbyterian Church. His sermon was about defending the oppressed and how we are charged to help the poor and the widows and the orphans. During his sermon he was making a point and used the word "damn". Everyone exhaled and you could hear a collective gasp around the sanctuary. It was quite interesting, especially when he said, "I wonder how many of you are as shocked and distraught about defending the defenseless as you are about me using the word "damn" in a sermon." I think most everyone in that sanctuary that day wanted to crawl under the pews.

Along those same lines, I wonder how many of you are as "shocked" about the perverse abuse defenseless children face when under the spell of an abuser as you are about my use of the "f" word in my previous blog. Are we outraged at the use of a horribly descriptive word but don't react nearly as strongly when we hear about the descriptive act? When we turn our back on those who need us, we are admitting that we are not concerned with their circumstances, right?

On Friday, November 21, 2003, the email from Jack arrived in my inbox. This was one weekend before Thanksgiving. On Saturday, November 22, 2003, around 4:00 p.m. I replied.

Jack Moyer

I received your email. I need some time to think about everything. I will respond later. Janet

I don't have documented exactly what happened next but must deduce from the emails that certain things happened. During that weekend, I had been reading in the living room early one morning, when I heard the phone ring. I went to answer it. No one else was awake. The person on the other end sounded like a foreigner but because of the strong Hispanic influx in the south I assumed it was someone local who dialed the wrong number. I really couldn't understand the person on the other end and thought nothing of it. When the phone rang a second time, not too much later than the first I thought differently. The person on the other end asked to speak to, what sounded like, Michele. I was a bit confused and slowly connected the dots when she quickly said, "Janet." I knew then that Jack's wife was on the other end. I don't remember much of our conversation. I'm sure I recounted it to Michele and maybe she has written documentation of my memory of our conversation, but I don't have that with me. (Michele is sending me the information she has but I have not yet received it.) I'm sure she called to ask for compassion and mercy. I must have been nice to her because of the email I received from  Jack on Monday, November 24.

That call really caused a lot of concern, fear, questioning and uncertainty among other things. By now I'm really questioning everything. Wondering if I'm doing the right thing. One thing that happened during this process was that Michele and I balanced each other. Sometimes the balance was good and other times maybe not so good. When I got scared, she would carry me through. When she got scared I would carry her through. We really didn't know what we were doing. There isn't a "how to" book on how to confront your abuser. Trust me, I looked for one. So we did the best we could, helping each other along the way.

So, on Monday, November 24, 2003 I received the following email from Jack:

Dear Janet,

Thank you for your reply. (Posted above.) My wife told me that she talked to you. I appreciate your kindness to her. I want to add a couple of points that were not in my last letter.

I got my doctoral degree from Tokyo University in marine ecology in 1984, based on research I did at Miyake in the 1970's. I quit ASIJ immediately and attempted to build a new life. I had been deeply troubled by my life at ASIJ for reasons mentioned in my last letter. My new life was in marine science. But, I could not run away from myself. So, during a period at the University of California at Santa Barbara, unable to escape from myself, I attempted to kill myself. At that time, as I mentioned, I received psychological help from two psychologists. I really needed someone to share my life with. My trouble with kids was mixed up terribly with my almost hermit life style (studying marine fishes alone at Miyake all the time). To make a long story short, I found Mrs. Moyer in the Philippines, we were married, and for the first time in my adult life I found fulfillment. We have two wonderful kids, and I am doing my best to be a good father and husband.

In 2000, the Miyake volcano erupted, and it is still erupting. I lost my house and my jobs, but I had developed a reputation in Japan as an expert on the ocean environment, and I have been able to find work. My name is well known, and lots of programs use my name, but I am merely a figurehead (I get money, which I need to pay for my kids education and my family's subsistence). I am leading a lonely life in Japan and they are in the Philippines. I think my children should have roots, and they will live in the Philippines after I die, so it is best that they get a good education there. The so-called "Jack Moyer Ocean School" is run by another person, with his own staff. I am his "partner", but it is an honorary position....but of course I receive payment for my participation in the schools, which is like I told you in the last letter.....formal...lectures, greetings, final words at departures. I had a heart attack six years ago, and I need a full 8 hours of sleep to control an irregular heart-beat, so I live in totally separate quarters from the programs and I have, as I said, no informal relationships with the students (in any of the, family or young people.)

I have tried to erase my past, and for periods of time I have been successful....thanks largely to the perfect marriage I have. Your contact with ASIJ in 2000 forced me to face my past again. It has not been easy, and I began seeing a psychologist again in April of this year.... not due to a sick kind of dependency on children, as I did in your era, because that is all behind me, but due to a shame and a self-hate that I just cannot shake off.. Your letter last Saturday, brought the me of the 1970's back to me, again, very vividly.

As you think things over, please trust and believe that I have really changed from the confused, messed-up individual you knew. I am attempting to give my family a good life after I die. I greatly regret what happened. The people I harmed were kids I had a great, but, under the circumstances, unhealthy affection for.....the last people I wanted to hurt. I was not a cold, plotting predator, I was a very troubled, very messed up individual. I realized that and quit ASIJ. I have received and am receiving help. I pray that you will understand that I am no longer a threat to anyone and that I feel extreme pain over the person who I was and over what I did in those days.

I ask you to allow me to continue my work.... not for my sake, but for the sake of my precious wife and children.

Please, Janet. I have accepted God, and I am at His mercy, as well as yours. Please allow me to finish my life in a way that will not hurt others. My wife faces legal problems related to loans, as I said, if I am not around to pay them, and my kids will be thrown into Philippine poverty. Please forgive me for what I did, and trust in God and in my word that I am far removed from that world today.

I pray for your forgiveness.

This email came on the Monday before the Thanksgiving holidays.


  1. I had posted a comment to the previous post - but it disappeared into cyberland. However, this email of his just continues the same thread, so it's appropriate here. He was trying to prey on you again! He has turned the table, and instead of taking responsibility for his actions, he is placing guilt and responsibility onto you! This is truly astounding. In high profile cases here in Canada of abusers, it has often been said by expert witnesses that abusers can not be 'cured' - they can only attempt to control their tendencies (usually unsuccessfully - as a result of which reoffence is high!). You, and all your other fellow abused, need not feel any guilt for any consequences or actions that befall Mr. J and/or his family - who are, yes, the innocent victims - but the victims of him, same as you all (and I know you don't like the term!).

  2. I hope if you contiune to write it is because that is what you need/want to do.
    If anyone is offended by the F word then they must take into account that they have lead a very sheltered and unrealistic life. Life is harsh sometimes ~ more so to those who have to live it than anyone who just reads about it. Do what you need to do, say what you need to say. As I have said many other times before, you are a strong person and have at least my admiration! lafm

  3. Janet you must finish what you have started. You have much to say, much to reveal, much to put to rest. We are with you in this. This is the time to lay it out and let the world see what kind of demoniacs there are. And, you must finish the entire story. There is an end, and it must be told.


  4. When the Apostle Paul wanted to communicate how his self-righteousness was offensive to God he said that he looked upon all his efforts and considered them "dung" - according to the English translation. But, in reality, a more accurate translation would have been SHIT. Why would Paul use such a word? Because he wanted an offensive word to match the offensiveness of what he was describing. I would put your use of the "F" word in that sort of context - an attempt to use an offensive word to describe an offensive reality. What would be offensive is to use the language of "making love" - or any other language that ought to be reserved for describing the rightness and beauty of sexual relations within a God-sanctioned context. To use that same sort of language to describe the violation of a child by an adult - now THAT would be offensive.

  5. Well...anonymous zi says that J is just being a manipulator again. Yes, of course he is trying to do whatever he can to avoid it going public, but the objective facts about being married and with two kids, sound very plausible to me. And it complicates teh situation. Having her call you though, was a bit of a dirty trick on his part. And I don't really buy this "I am in so much pain" talk of J. He's mainly scared of public exposure. Still the fact of having two kids, needing the money, seems like a fact. So in that sense, his message is sincere.