Day Nine

I woke up this morning feeling sick to my stomach. Not sick from a virus but emotionally sick. Much of the same way I felt six years ago when all hell broke loose. My dreams haunted me but more importantly, God reminded me that I wasn't communing with him. Instead of writing anything today I opted to read, go to church, contemplate my feelings and listen to God.

Every now and again I pick up a little book written by David Roper called In Quietness and Confidence. A friend of ours gave it to my husband and it's torn and tattered from being read so much.

Roper speaks about mankind's constant state of dissatisfaction. He writes, "Joy and sorrow are often juxtaposed." We may be relishing in comfort of over-indulgence and then quickly forget our blessings, begin complaining and become bitter about an insignificant discomfort. Our rights are being violated - how dare they be. But Roper continues, "We can sweeten the bitterness if we choose to see each circumstance as God's choice for us and willingly accept it - saying "yes" to him and to his will. He has chosen this difficult place for us, he has permitted this intrusion; it is his will that we are here. "Disappointment is his appointment," someone has said. We too must see it that way."

We seek satisfaction in things other than God. We strive to seek happiness and fulfillment in our own "broken cisterns", rather than in God Almighty who loves us and cares deeply for us, and who in his infinite mercy disciplines us.

As I read more this morning this question kept on nagging me. What is your motive in sharing this story? What are you willing to risk by sharing it? Are you willing to risk losing your family? Are you willing to risk doing something God doesn't want you to do? My answer to both of these questions is emphatically NO. I know what it's like to go against what God desires of me - it's not good. I prayerfully and deliberately ask for God's guidance. So, this is what fearing God feels like.

So, where does that leave me tonight? A little confused, but closer to the truth. I don't know where God will take me on this journey, but I know I can trust him to do what is right for me and for all involved. Proverbs 10:19 says, "When words are many, sin is not absent." T. S. Eliot wrote, "Where can the Word be found? Not here. There is not enough silence." So, I struggle with what to say, how much to say and how to say it.

Through-out the day I had different thoughts and feelings. If "silence is the mother of the wisest thoughts" how does silence protect the innocent. For those who are theologically conservative, I am talking about those who are being abused and are without a voice - not innocent in the general being. Who will speak out for those who have suffered if not those of us who have shared in the suffering? Why is protecting the innocent so hard?

Blogs can be both good and bad, like most things in life. They can be good in that you are some what forced to continue them if you have a reader following. They can be bad in that you really aren't accountable for your words and much like an email, you can post quickly before you have thought about what you've written.

So, where I am tonight? I am waiting to follow God. He will decide where this goes.

Roper concludes this chapter with this.

"James (apostle) says we must be "quick to listen [to what God has to say]" and "slow to speak" (James 1:19). This is not the slowness of ignorance, emptiness, timidity, guilt, or shame. This is the slowness of wisdom born of dwelling quietly with God."

My reponse: My Father is protecting me. Amen.




© Copyright 2009 Janet Calcote Simmons All rights reserved.