Monday, October 26, 2009

Day Forty-Four - Another story

So we waited.......... In the meantime..........

How has it felt to wait to see what happened? Maybe, you were able to experience some of the anticipation we had. But again, in the meantime....

I mentioned in one of my previous posts that a new person - another one of Mr. J's "subjects" - "victims" (I hate that word) - another abused - has surfaced. A person who I didn't know about until a couple of weeks ago. This person just reconnected to past friends from ASIJ via Facebook. Her friends were sharing notes and reminiscing about ASIJ when one of her classmates sent a link to an article about Mr. J.

She was taken aback and asked about it and the classmate suggested she get in touch with me. So, I got a random email from this person, who I vaguely remember, asking me to contact her. Subsequently, I called her and we talked for a while. I asked her if I could share her story and she said yes. Evidently, until just three weeks ago in 2009, she thought she was the only one. She carried this burden for 35 years. She never shared it with anyone else. There was a reason....

October 19
Hi Janet, Thanks so much for responding. I got your messages. I would like to call you. I can't believe this is going to come out of my mouth after 35 years. The main thing is to finally understand that it wasn't my fault.

I called her and we talked at length. She had been invited to Miyake by Mr. J after completing the Scuba Diving class he instructed at ASIJ. She had completed the course and needed to do her dive to become certified. Mr. J invited her to Miyake several times but her mother wouldn't let her go by herself. Thank GOD - someone had some sense. But after a while several girls got together and finally she was able to go. On the way to the island on the overnight trip on the boat, Mr. J used the quiet and dark opportunity to seduce her. I use the word seduce because that's what he did to a vulnerable, needy child.

He proceeded to molest her on the boat, however, during this time one of the other girls woke up and observed the molestation. Mr. J realized what had happened and subsequently chose to act as if it didn't happen and ignored her from that point on. Then, the girl who observed the act shared this with the rest of the girls and accused her of, "sleeping with Mr. J." So, this young early teenager experienced an enormous extreme of emotion from the onset to the end of that weekend. As I talked to her she shared that because of other issues with her family dynamics she was craving affection. So, when Mr. J treated her affectionately she was desperately in need of affection. She experienced someone who cared about her, who gave her the much needed and required affection she desperately needed. Of course, she didn't realize in her young thirteen year old self that this was wrong. But what happened next was excruciatingly harmful. He completely ignored her. So here she went from being a "chosen" one to a "abandoned" one in less than six hours. Then to top it off, her friend accused her of "sleeping" with the teacher. So during less than 24 hours she received the affection she so desperately craved and the shame she so intensely repelled. And now she's been carrying this burden for 35 years, thinking it was her fault.

Janet Calcote Simmons October 21 at 1:37am
I'm so glad we were able to talk yesterday. As I write my story there are a lot of things I begin remembering that don't necessarily embrace my mind on a daily basis. I would encourage you to start writing your own story if you haven't already done so. It's amazing how therapeutic it is. For a long time, I resisted writing. I don't know if I was scared or if I just didn't want to take the time, but now that I have it really has made a difference to me.

I'm going out of town for several days and don't know how much I will be able to write but will be back on Monday. Stay in touch.

October 23 at 11:10pm

Hi Janet. Hope you had a great weekend.

I'm glad we spoke on Monday. There are many implications to finding out I wasn't the only one. They are all important to my recovery. Since he did this to so many girls, I am finally convinced that it wasn't my fault and I didn't cause it.

I was not special or unique. There was no personal connection. There is objective separation here between the predator with his established MO and the victims who were in fact invisible to the narcissist. It has become objectively easy now to identify him as a monster, a predator, a pedophile.

Abused children have a tendency to identify with the perpetrator. Objective separation was always very difficult for me. I have it now, thanks to you coming forward.

About 12 years ago a man who I knew socially was convicted of having sex with a high school girl. He was her karate teacher and also coached a sport. I knew him as the friend of cop I had been seeing. We played backgammon and hung out with the same people.

When I found out about Randy's conviction, I felt NOTHING for the girl. I had seen them together. She was tall and awkward and clung to Randy's shadow. I did not care that he was violating her trust, that he had become her whole world.

At the time, Janet, I KNEW there was something wrong with me for identifying with the perp instead of the victim. Now I know. I still blamed myself for the Mr. J incident. Somewhere in my abused brain I believed that if I had just been "cooler" at the time, he would have continued to pay attention to me. It has helped me immensely to find out I meant nothing to him and that I could not possibly have meant anything. He was a sociopathic, narcissistic pedophile. I was a statistic. End of story.

One other memory came back. Remember I said that my mother would not allow me to go on the scuba trip until there were a bunch of kids? Well, I remembered that she actually called him and asked questions, trying to make sure I would be safe. I'm surprised now that he took the risk he did on the boat.

My friend told me that when you went public and they were discussing Mr. J that one of my classmates had an especially hard time believing the truth. Another friend who is very level-headed thought at the time that something was not right with him.

Janet, I would have done anything for anyone who paid attention to me. That's who I was and it wasn't my fault that I got that way.

This was supposed to be a brief note just to say hi. Thanks for listening.

October 26, 2009: Janet responds:

So, when I get responses like this I know that what I'm doing it right. Writing my story is right. Read on.............................


  1. wow....approx how many girls did he abuse?

  2. I wish we knew...And how far back, and how many people were aware and didn't do anything about it. That's why this story needs to be told. Thanks Janet.