Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Day Twenty four - Few more thoughts about responsibity

Yesterday, I wrote about lessons learned. Those lessons weren't actually stated to us, but more implied. We weren't told that it was all our responsibility, we were told that "men can't help themselves." These "lessons" told me that if I was not being pursued by a man, then something was wrong with me. With these lessons and the sexual abuse my entire sexual psyche was screwed up.

I also shared with you that I could finally tell my parents when I was 36 years old. Why did it take so long? I had anticipated their response. I had to get to a place where I was strong enough to take their response. It pains me to say this in writing because my dad has changed (my mom died in 2004) and is willing to accept his responsibility in this, but often times when we had an issue with someone the first thing my dad would ask was, "What did you do to cause this to happen to you?" Now, to be sure, he DID NOT ask me that when I told them about the sexual abuse. What he did say though was that he was proud of me for being strong and seeing that I had forgiven and "gotten over" the pain and suffering. I don't think he knew what he was saying. I don't really remember my Mom's reaction. What I really wanted them to say was, "Where is that bastard? I'll kill him." But I knew that wasn't going to be the response so I had to be okay with that.

Later, my mom mentioned that Daddy didn't understand - or couldn't understand - something like that. But, even after I told them I don't think they really understood - or maybe they didn't want to understand - because it meant they had to look at their own involvement or lack there of - in my life. But for me, just telling them was very significant. It meant that I could handle their rejection - if that's what they gave me, which they didn't. It meant that I was strong enough to hear - "what did you do to bring this on?" - which I didn't. It meant that I was strong enough to stand up against other people who would make me feel inferior for shaking up the apple cart, or those who want to suppress the truth. It showed me that I was finally strong.

I plan on continuing to write tonight, however, would like to post this separately because I'm going to go in a different direction.

© Copyright 2009 Janet Calcote Simmons All rights reserved.

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