Saturday, September 26, 2009

Day Twenty-one - Don't tell

I continue as my cat jumps up on the desk and into my lap demanding my attention. She sometimes cradles her head in the nook of my arm to hide from any unforeseen danger. She completely trusts me. She knows I will do no harm. She knows she can count on me to protect her. I think it is interesting how animals can sense these kinds of things.

Don't tell....... So for years I didn't tell. I'm thinking now it was because of several things. First, I wanted to be accepted. Telling meant being isolated. Polar opposites. Also, I was afraid. Afraid of what? Alienation. Same thing, isolation, alienation.Afraid of being the person who rocked the boat; tainting a school and it's legacy. Afraid of being labeled a nutcase. Afraid of being looked upon as soiled goods. And most afraid of not being believed, not only from people in general but from friends and especially my own family.

Just last week, my dad, sister and I met in Mississippi to conduct some legal business. While my sister and I visited my dad different stuff came up about our past. I was teasing my dad about criticizing me during high-school about my weight - I was always on a diet!! My dad proceeded to talk about how I dressed in junior high and high school and how inappropriate it was. I think we all dressed pretty similarly, but primarily it was the mini skirts, the mid-drifts and the bare backs. For once, when this subject was brought up I was able to reply with, "Daddy, You have to remember where I was during this time and remember what influenced me." Studies show that children who are sexually abused act out in different ways. Some dress promiscuously, some act promiscuously, some withdraw or act out and others hurt themselves. My dad responded with a nod of understanding and seemed to realize this was something he didn't recognize before but now does. That meant a lot to me. It just takes time to figure it all out.

Thankfully, I have been able to forgive not only Jack but also my parents and others who let me down by not noticing the signs, not wanting to accept the truth and wanting to protect the facade. I am still struggling with those who are not interested in the truth and are afraid of what the truth might do. I'm so sorry if this harms their interests. I'm really not interested in their interests. Especially if it continues to cause us to not tell.....

Later, I will start writing about the Miyake volcano eruption in the summer of 2000 and how that affected me.

© Copyright 2009 Janet Calcote Simmons All rights reserved.

1 comment:

  1. I would be interested in knowing if you struggle with forgiving those who let you down. I have been able to forgive a person who caused me and my family a world of hurt but I am not able to get over the hump of forgiving two close to me, who let it happen.

    I wrestle with this because I see it as a weakness. Thankfully many years have passed and the two people moved away so I don't have it come to my forefront as much anymore. But I'd be curious if you work on this.