Thank you for holding my hand

Anonymous from Day Seventeen

2011-03-15T15:16:00.000-07:00

Anonymous from Day Seventeen. I would love to talk with you further. Please contact me either via email jsimmons@hopebr.org or via facebook at:
http://www.facebook.com/jkcsimmons

I look forward to hearing from you. Janet

Read from the bottom up

2010-08-19T11:48:00.000-07:00

If this is your first time to this blog. Please start at day one and read from the bottom up. Evidently, I am unable to change the chronology. Sorry for the problems. Thanks for reading. Janet

Day Sixty - two

2010-02-11T17:11:00.000-08:00

Mr. J. returned from the Philippines after the Christmas and New Year holiday, and we put on the pressure. He was still resistant, not wanting to admit that working with children was not okay. He was concerned about his reputation. We sent several correspondences requesting that he stop working with children through his schools through-out Japan. He continued to try to convince us that he didn't have anything to "do" with the children and that the only reason his picture was on the website showing him working with children was for a photo op. We began putting on the pressure for him to cease and desist. He continued to resist. We continued to pressure.

On January 10, 2004, roughly 5:30p.m.EST, as I was getting ready to go out for the evening with my husband, I received a call from a friend and fellow SBMK. She said, "Janet, I don't know if you heard or not, but Mr. J. was found dead in Tokyo. They think he committed suicide."

I remember sitting on my bed, letting the realization sink in. My biggest fear, the thing I did not want to happen, just came to realization. As I sat on my bed, many different feelings came to pass. Some feelings of relief, others of guilt, and then those of quiet contemplation. I remembered wanting Mr. J's approval. I remembered wanting to fit in and he provided that. I remembered wanting to be one of the "cool" kids. I remembered the confusion. I remembered wanting to be accepted for me, not for just some - body. I remembered being vulnerable and gullible (I still am to a certain degree). I remember being called TH&H - totally helpless and hopeless, I remembered telling him "no" and then being an outcast, non-entity, a reject. Then I remembered picking up the pieces and making it on my own. Returning to my "homeland" at 17 - just turned 17 - and my "homeland" wasn't my own. I was still so young. Still so vulnerable. Still so susceptible. But, GOD, in His incredible grace and sovereign knowledge,and infinite mercy placed me in His arms and made me strong. He helped me get through it. I was going to be okay. I made it this far didn't I?

I called Michele. She found out early that morning. She didn't want to tell me. I understood why. But, I was a lot better than even I thought I would be. I was determined not to let him overcome me or over power me, even in his death.

My husband and I continued with our plans that night. Both Michele and I realized we had to address this the next day. But, life would go on. Our horrible past would still live. And we all were NOT better for the outcome. But somehow, we were able to persevere.

http://www.cdnn.info/eco/e040111c/e040111c.html

Day Sixty-one

2010-02-02T17:21:00.000-08:00

I have promised that I would complete this blog. There is still a lot of stuff that I haven't had a chance to review, however, in order to end the story, I believe it's important to continue.

After Mr. J responded to our request. He went to Singapore to see his family. I assume he spoke with his wife during that time and explained to her what was going on. We sent several more emails, insisting on his admission of his proclivities.

On Saturday, January 10, 2004 that morning, I was reading the Psalms. The following words laid before me.

Psalm 10:

Why O Lord, do you stand far off?
Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?
In his arrogance the wicked man hunts down the weak,
He boasts of the cravings of his heart;
He blesses the greedy and reviles the Lord.
In his pride the wicked does not seek him;
In all his thoughts there is nor room for God.
His ways are prosperous; he is haughty and your laws are far from him;
He sneers at all his enemies;
He says to himself, "Nothing will shake me. I will always be happy and never have trouble." His mouth is full of curses and lies and threats; trouble and evil are under his tongue. He lies in wait near the villages; from ambush he murders the innocent, watching in secret for his victims. He lies in wait like a lion in cover; he lies in wait to catch the helpless; he catches the helpless and drags them off in his net. His victims are crushed they collapse; they fall under his strength.
He says to himself, "God has forgotten; he covers his face and never sees."
Arise, Lord! Lift up your hand, O God.
Do not forget the helpless. Why does the wicked man revile God? Why does he say to himself, "He won't call me to account"?
But, you, O God, do see trouble and grief; you consider it to take it in hand. The victim commits himself to you; you are the helper of the fatherless.
Break the arm of the wicked and evil man; call him to account for his wickedness that would not be found out. The Lord is King for ever and ever, the nations will perish from his land. You hear, O Lord, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry, defending the fatherless and the oppressed, in order that man, who is of the earth, may terrify no more.

I read this the morning of Saturday, January 10, 2004.

Day Sixty

2010-01-13T15:06:00.001-08:00

I promise I will get back to writing as soon as my life settles down. I do have a request, though, will someone please translate the comment on Day 59. It looks like it might be in Chinese. I can't begin to start translating it myself. Thanks so much for your help!!

The comment was spam so I deleted it. Sorry to bother you guys!!

Day Fifty-Nine

2010-01-13T15:05:00.001-08:00

I guess you can imagine our reaction to this response. Unbelievable!! Can you believe that he actual equated the physical abuse to a relationship? Doesn't this show you how sick he was and how sick people can be? The really hard part for me was that the only recollection he had of his abuse of me was driving in a car and him putting his hand under my shirt. He didn't remember placing my futon next to his in the middle room at night. He didn't remember! I wonder if that's why he was so incensed that I was upset? To him, I was just another slight mistake.

It's amazing to me how he continues to use the word "crush". Or he would say, "I really liked her." As if sexually molesting an eleven year old was a "relationship".

Another interesting observation is that he didn't remember everyone. I do think that if I had not been involved in his exposure, he might not have remembered me. As the crowd from the 90's said, "Whatever!!"

It is going to take some time to filter through the rest of the emails from Michele. Thank you for continuing to follow through all of this. It may take several more weeks/months. Please write and let me know your thoughts. Have a wonderful Christmas.

I will finish!!

Day Fifty-eight J's response

2009-11-25T21:10:00.000-08:00

I wrote this Wednesday night but chose to wait until now to post. Didn't want to mess up anyone's Thanksgiving. I hope it was great!!

Wednesday, November 25, 2009
First and foremost - Happy Thanksgiving!! For some reason I have been extra excited about the holidays this year. We were going to go to my Dad's (out in the beautiful Mississippi country) but.....you guessed it.....football kept us from leaving town. The Catholic High Bears are proceeding to the quarter finals and Friday night we face Acadiana - from Lafayette, LA. It will be an interesting night. The boys have practice all week, even Thanksgiving morning. Talk about dedication.

I have been busy with work and getting ready for everyone to come to my house so I haven't had any opportunity to sit down and write. However, now that most of my house is asleep and I'm still up cooking for tomorrow, I thought I would use the bake time for the cornbread to sit down and write.

After Michele and I sent the two emails on December 5. We received the following email back from J. I will caution you about several things. I'm only going to edit people's names and any identifiable reference, otherwise, everything else is exactly the way J wrote it. Please don't read it if you are easily offended. If you are offended, please take it out on a sex offender and not me.

We received this response somewhere around Dec. 6 or 7.
Hi, Michele. I will do my best to answer your questions, plus a couple that Janet asked me in another mail and requested that I answer to you.

I will definitely do my best. Obviously, this is deeply on my mind, and I will be thinking a lot about it while I am in the Philippines. It is possible that I really have forgotten an incident, but I don't think so. I will add anything that I remember after I get back from the Philippines. True, I did not list everybody in my first responses to you and Janet. I was still at the self-defense, panic stage. I was not yet willing to accept my guilt...which I had managed to put into the back of my mind and hope it would just go away. Much has happened within me in the last three weeks, and I am ready to face it, as I did with my wife two days ago.

1. My first encounter was with XXX in the late 60's., It was in the summer between her junior and senior year in high school, and it was before I was given my Miyake house. We had another house in Tsubota, where 8 high school seniors (recent juniors) (4 boys and 4 girls) acted as teaching assistants to the local English teachers at the three middle schools and one high school on Miyake. I don't remember how it started. The first affectionate encounter I remember was when she gave me a massage one evening during the program. I was attracted to her, and I felt a real affection for her. She came back later in the summer, and it was then, that we had our first sex. We went for a walk to the rocky shore below Tsubota and she masturbated me. I don't remember for sure, but I think I kissed her breasts. I did many times later, because our relationship became deep during her senior year. There was no sexual intercourse but once we put ketchup on each others private parts and licked it off. Much of our relationship was in several visits to the hotel Okura, and lasted about 2 hours. We planned to get married. My former wife had left me and I decided to file for a divorce. She came back, and XXX and I announced to her our decision to get married. XXX went off to college, promising to come back, but, of course, her interests and perspective changed in college and she never came back...but she sent both of her kids to the ASIJ Miyake Program, obviously not expecting me to harm them. She was 17 when the relationship started, and 18 or possibly 19 when it ended.

2. I do not remember her name. I have tried hard. She came to Miyake for a visit with her friends (two of whom he named - can't remember her name but could remember her friends name?) I slept next to her, and I kissed her several times on the lips before we went to sleep on two of the three nights they were there. It was the year that I was given my Miyake house. It was during the rainy season, so it must have been just after school got out. She was a 7th grader, so she was probably 12.

3. XXX I had become attracted to her when she was in 7th grade. My first abuse of XXX was at Miyake during the summer of her 7th grade year. I used to rub and kiss her legs and feet...I slept at the foot of her futon. Once I looked at, but did not touch, her breast. I was too selfish and stupid at the time to know it, but I really, really upset her and hurt her. She told me in two letters some years later how deeply it hurt her. I do not know where she is now. I remember late 60's early 70's as the period this took place.

4. XXX. At the same time as above. The story is almost identical. I fondled and kissed her legs and feet. I later massaged her buttocks, but nothing else. I really had a crush on her, and after she moved (in 8th grade), I wrote to her EVERY day. I visited her at her knew location. It was she who told me that my mother had died (she did not know it was suicide). She also told me to stop writing letters because her sister was "getting suspicious". She threw all of my letters into a culvert during a heavy rainstorm. We never were in contact again after my visit.

5. XXX. I was first attracted to her during the very first Miyake Program. She came back for the summer, when her family traveled around the world. She slept in her bikini, and I used to kiss her all over her body (but never on her genitals, which I never saw). Again, I really had a crush on her. She returned to Miyake until she moved back to the states. I cried as I watched her plane getting smaller in the distance when she left Miyake-jima for the last time.

6. XXX I first met XXX during the Miyake Program at the end of her 7th grade year, I believe. She says that she was 11, I assumed she was 12 because most 7th graders are. Obviously, both 11 and 12 are under 17. It started when she asked if she could steer the car. I let her sit on my lap and steer. She was wearing a T-shirt and no bra. I reached under the T-shirt and fondled her breasts. We did this many times. XXX came to Miyake many times. I remember nothing sexually that happened at night or in bed, but I do clearly remember the fondling of her breasts in the car.

7. XXX It began when she was in grade 8. She was living in a missionary dorm. We would walk my dogs together each morning. She came to my house and knocked on the door. One morning, I wasn't fully dressed when I let her in. I had become attached to her and I suppose I had hugged her previously. At any rate, on this morning, she masturbated me, and it became a daily affair. I would not lock the door. She would just come in in the morning, crawl in bed with me, and masturbate me. I can't remember if oral sex was involved at that time, but I am sure that I must have kissed her breasts. Later, we had very intense oral sex, leading to orgasms for both of us. XXX took a trip to the Yaeyama Islands with me and spent several summers at Miyake, during my lab days (when I was doing my most significant research). Later she moved into my house near ASIJ, and we had periodic sex. Janet asked more details about our recent contact. I had written to XXX in the 1980s and asked her to come and join me. I wanted a permanent relationship with her. But, obviously, she had a child, with school needs, and I had no income and lived on Miyake. It was not in the cards. I met my wife a couple of years later, and my life changed magnificently! Later, XXX called me on the phone and asked me about my pedophile tendencies. I denied them and I probably told her that she was the only one. I was very scared and put up a self-defense shield (much like my first reactions to both of you). I apologized, but I never asked her (until a few days ago) to tell her side of the story. Once, I really hurt her. It was the last time we slept together. I was feeling very sad already, because XXX (who has subsequently passed away) was leaving Miyake. She was married and had been living on Miyake for some time. I was "father of the bride" at their wedding. My relationship with her was clean and totally adult and nonsexual. After intercourse with XXX, I was feeling sad about XXX departure the next day, and I also mentioned that I was feeling sad about XXX departure. This really hurt XXX! I will never forget it! I had no intention of hurting her, and I never should have mentioned my sadness over the departure of another woman (a superb friend, but not a sexual or romantic partner). I suppose this is one of the wounds that I left on XXX. I have asked for XXX story, and I wonder if this particular episode will come up. Last year I sent her a Christmas card. She didn't answer it. On several occasions we had sexual intercourse. The relationship began in early 70's.

8. XXX Late 70's? In her 8th grade year. We were walking my dogs on the golf course. I held her hand. She said, "I know what you want. Let's go back." We went to my house. We both stripped and we embraced for a long time, but we did not fondle or kiss or touch each other, other than the hugging embrace. I remember saying, "Thank God for you." These get together's became more frequent, and she frequently came to Miyake. The house was usually crowded with scientists and helpers. On about four occasions we had private time, and we had oral sex together. We also met in a hotel in Tokyo just before she moved back to the states and had oral sex again. Our relationship lasted for two years, I think. She was 13-14. I went to see her again after I got out of the hospital, when I tried to kill myself. She was a college student in XXX. We had a nice reunion, but with no sex. I wanted it, but she was not even close to being willing, although she was extremely friendly and caring. She married (she told me her husband reminded her of me), and when she came back to Japan, she telephoned me, a few times. She and her husband and two children visited me at Miyake about the time one of my children was born. She gave me a baby present for my child. She might resent my telling you all of this, because her relationship with me did not seem to have harmed her.

9. XXX Grade 8, so 13? In the mid- to late 70s. I had coached her basketball team and she had been to Miyake. It was on a field trip to Miyake, but the boat got canceled and we went to the southern Miura Peninsula instead. I slept next to her, hugged her, kissed her, fondled her breasts and even touched her vagina. I had a special liking for her for a long time before that. We never had another encounter,
but she wrote a wonderful letter about me to XXX at the time of the volcano. I suppose she did not understand that I had abused other girls, too.

10. XXX was in high school...late 70's. We had become friends walking my dogs in Tokyo, and I first molested her by fondling her legs and feet. I think she was about 15 at the time. She was older when I did the worst thing to her. We went to Miyake together, and I pressured her into undressing. She protested, but at night we slept side by side, and she masturbated me and I had oral sex with her. I recall no episode when she was 9 years old. Maybe she meant 9th grade. I seriously recall no episode other than those I have told you about. She was under 18 however, in all of our encounters. There were several times when she came to my house after school and I fondled her legs. In my memory, it was after 7th grade, which would have made her older than what you have told me.

11. XXX was my last pedophilic encounter. It happened on a trip to Miyake. I got drunk, which in itself is enough to get me fired from ASIJ. I undressed her and had oral sex with her. She would not touch me and seemed scared. I felt very guilty afterward, and perhaps she was one of the key reasons I swore to myself to change my life. She was in grade 8, I think... maybe as late as early to mid 80's. She wrote me once after she returned to the states a couple of years later. It was a friendly letter. I have no idea what has happened since.

12. XXX...late 70's early 80's. She came to me to ask for help. She had been sexually approached by a high school kid...I don't remember his name. I had a high profile scientist guest at the time, and listened to XXX story outside. We developed a strong bond, starting at that time and continuing when she was having problems at ASIJ. I helped her out and she and her family were very grateful to me. XXX lived with me at my house in Tokyo, and she made me an "engagement ring" out of fossil coral. She was good at crafts. She helped me at my lab, and we were really in love. She became an accomplished marine biologist, discovered three new species of fish and became recognized worldwide. One American scientist visited us and talked her into returning to the U.S.A. and going directly into a doctoral program. She left in mid 80's. I joined her in October of the same year, bringing my dog. I expected to stay with her until we were married. But, she had already discovered that Miyake life as an ichthyologist was much too narrow for her at that time, and that she had the rest of her life to lead. At Christmas,after many futile hours of trying to make me understand her and "set her free" she broke with me. I responded by trying to kill myself. She responded by disappearing for about a week, until she was found in San Francisco. Naturally, her parents were frantic. I did not know about it, because I was confined in a mental hospital. I called her on the telephone again and again, but no one answered. I had no idea that she had run away and maybe even planned to destroy herself. The psychologist I saw at that time (after I got out of the hospital), worked to (1) make me accept the separation and (2) get me to stop drinking. XXX and I had one more meeting in front of my psychologist. It went warmly. We had another, when she saw me off on the bus that took me to the airport when I returned to Japan. This was the last and the most painful of my relationships with anyone, kids to adults, until I met and married my wife...which was the best thing that has ever happened to me. I did not mention it before, because we had promised each other not to ever tell anyone. You, somehow, knew about the relationship. You did not, perhaps, know all of the details, and I feel that I am betraying XXX a bit by telling you. XXX telephoned me a few years ago and asked me for help. She was in the States, I was on Miyake. It was a request for an address and some advise on how to get funded for a new business she was starting. She has had a very tragic post-Moyer life, and I pray for her! I had written her several mean letters in the process of "healing" over her leaving me. She seems to have forgiven me for all of that. I think that she knew I had unsavory relationships with other young girls, but by the time I was with her, I wanted to be with her for life. Often, in the first year of our marriage, I mistakenly called my wife by the name "XXX" which obviously hurt my wife. It took about two years before my wife and my pair bond was solid and wonderful. I hated myself and she hated herself. That is not a good combination. But, we healed each other to a large extent...that's another story. But, after the shame of XXX and the true lost-love situation with XXX, I knew that I really needed someone in a totally new environment and a new life. I found my wife. I said earlier in an email that she had truly saved me, and I honestly believe that. There are others towards whom I was attracted, but whom I never abused: XXX - Age 12. I gave her one of the gifts that XXX gave me, with XXX's permission, of course. XXX 13, I touched her legs and feet. Is that abuse? I guess it is. It was at Miyake and I had been giving her diving lessons. XXX, I admired her courage, both as a scuba diver (she was scared of deep water) and as a gymnast. I liked her. I never abused her. XXX (first met at Miyake, when she was 12. She is still my good friend and I sometimes see her. I never abused her in any way. She has become a good marine biologist.

Also friends, in Michele's era XXX, XXX, and XXX I never abused them, but I liked them a lot. XXX and XXX came to visit me several years ago at Miyake. Both were married to criminal lawyers and had families. XXX was considering going back to college to study marine biology. She wrote me a letter later on.

I honestly think that that about covers it. I am thinking about this almost
all of the time. If other things come back to me during my Philippine
trip, I will relate them to you. I am sincerely trying to let it all out. I
had feelings after each of these encounters. I will relate them to you
if you want me to...but they are about me, and not about my victims.
I hope this is a satisfactory beginning. This is frightening, because
people actually do forget. I am really trying to face this and be totally
honest.

Day Fifty-seven

2009-11-22T12:05:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry it's taking me so long to get back to the computer. Of course, football is still consuming our lives. Wil's team made it to the State Playoffs. They won the first two games so that has pretty much determined what we are doing for Thanksgiving. He has practice on Thanksgiving morning so we're staying in BR and Daddy and Chuck's mom are coming here. We should have some fun!!

As I mentioned before, Michele was looking at creating a website that would have exposed J publicly. She went ahead and set up a domain name which was: www.stop-JTM.com (with his true name spelled out). As I'm reminded about all of this and re-reading the emails that went back and forth between Michele and my oldest brother about setting up a website and other stuff, I remember the feeling of fear I had during this time. I know previously I shared my feelings of fear. Now that I look back on that, I think my fear was more for him and his reaction than it was for my own exposure. Remember that I shared with my counselor friend that I was most scared that J would commit suicide. I don't really know for sure what I wanted to gain from all this and I guess to some degree I believed him. But, not being certain I had to make sure other children wouldn't suffer through what I and others had suffered. But, even so still my concern was for his well being. That's just weird.

In one of the articles about Jaycee Dugard, the young woman who was held captive by her abuser for 18 years, a therapist describes how the victim often begins relating to the abuser. This is more common than you think, even having been named by the psychiatrist and criminologist from the case in Stockholm where bank robbers held bank employees hostage for 6 days and the victims became attached emotionally to the bank robbers and defended them after they were freed - thus the name Stockholm Syndrome.

From the Jaycee Dugard Article:
Kryder, who has worked extensively with trauma victims in her Colorado Springs practice, says that over the years, Jaycee was very probably subjected to “intermittent reinforcement.” In such cases, Kryder stated, “the captor alternates between being cruel and kind.” This behavior, Kryder says, has a stronger effect on the victim than if the captor was always kind or always cruel. And it leads, she says, to a condition known as “traumatic bonding.” In other words, despite her horrific mistreatment, Jaycee still has (as she herself told her family) positive feelings toward her captor.

That also explains how, even though I had been sexually abused for three years, even after Michele helped me, when I returned to Tokyo after our year long furlough, I immediately went to find J at Tokyo Bay. And why his dismissal of me was so deflating.

Okay, now back to the sequential emails. After my angry response to Michele regarding J's email to her, she wrote me back later on Dec. 3.

Dear Janet,

Good response. I like the way you find things that I miss. It's almost too much to absorb, isn't it. It's part of my denial still. I am going to use some of these points when I get around to composing a letter to J.

I have tried calling his wife at all hours. Her maid answers. I called at 8am. I called at 9pm. I called midday for her. My last call the maid gave me her cell phone. I couldn't get through from here. The maid either lives in, or was left all afternoon with the kids. Something is not right.

Hey Janet, this woman has a cell phone and a maid. This is what J calls poverty? I think not. I have found it takes a while to get a response, if we are lucky enough to get one at all. _______ was proof of that. I never thought I would hear from her, but I guess it's just such a shock.

This is just a thought. Would you consider addressing J directly with your thoughts? Or do you not want to re-open Pandora's box. I will make these points when I write him. It will take me a few days. There is just so much to deal with. And, I want to talk to his wife next.

Michele

My response to Michele:

Yea, I found it very interesting that they have a maid and a cell phone. I also have a cell phone, but most certainly don't have a MAID.

I like the fact that J thinks he's going behind my back when he's speaking with you. It seems to give him justification in presenting his side as reasonable. It appears interesting to me that he thinks he's got you on his side. I just wonder if maybe we (together) wrote the response, but you came at it as if you were trying to help me understand him and that you are like the mediator. That way he can say the things against me to make you more understand him and we'll get more truth out of it. What do you think? Janet

Michele's reply:

You are right. Playing good cop bad cop always works. Why don't you start by writing a response and send it to me. Then I can add to it. But remember, I still want to (1) talk to his wife (2) get his list of victims and (3) get a list of schools he teaches at. Michele

Keep in mind that during this time we are still being contacted by former students from ASIJ. Do you remember the girl I told you about who actually lived with J at his house when she was a sophomore in high school? She told Michele and me that when she confronted J about her abuse, he told her she was the only young person with whom he had a relationship. I assume she asked him if she was the only one or were there others.

After the previous emails I was really mad at J. He wasn't being straight with us (what did we expect). We were working with a counseling group in Japan called TELL (Tokyo English Life Line), which had been set up during the 70's to provide a crisis hotline for English speaking people in Japan. They were willing to help us verify that J was doing what we asked him to do. Also, we were able to check out his story about his counseling sessions with the psychologist he was claiming to use.

On December 5 I sent J the following email:

I have been reading your correspondence back and forth to Michele. This is growing very tiresome and making me very weary. To say the least, it's taking a tremendous amount of energy away from my children and family.

Believe it or not, Michele and I do not have a vindictive vendetta and are not "out to get you", much to your disappointment, I'm sure. This is not about you anymore. It's about protecting children from you.

You tell us that you are not abusing children anymore and haven't for 20 years. You want us to take your word. Your word is about as worthless as the email being sent. According to xxx, you lied to her last year and told her that she was the only person you sexually abused. Imagine her amazement when we talked and I told her she was one of many.

You have yet to identify all your victims. I know of at least three people you didn't name. Do you remember them?

It's obvious to me that we cannot convince you that you are and always will be dangerous to children. You have asked, "what can I do to prove it to you?" I have come up with some tangible ways that you can prove to us that you are no longer a threat to children. Michele and I are not responsible to come up with ways you can prove to us, you must take responsibility for that. We have already suffered 30 or more years of this. I'm ready for it to be over and quickly!!

1. Contact ASIJ and admit your abuse to their students, identify them and give them details. In addition, talk with them about any consequences or actions they might like to take.

2. Contact TELL, the agency in Japan that works with children and others who have psychological issues and communicate with them and come up with a plan that will convince Michele and me that you are no longer working with children.

3. Inform all the organizations you are working with about your past behavior. Come up with a plan that would prove to Michele and me that you have done this. Maybe they can communicate to someone at TELL or another agreeable source.

4. Tell your wife the truth about the ages of your abuse victims. Have her contact us to let us know that you have done so.

6. Stay in psychological care until the day you die and have a plan that communicates your progress to an acceptable mediator that can communicate with us from time to time your progress.

7. Register your name with the Child Sexual Offender registry. If there is no such registry in Japan, find another acceptable substitute for us.

At the same time, Michele sent J this email below. My next post will be his response. You will find it UNBELIEVABLE!!

Dear J,

I spoke to your wife. That part of the mission is accomplished. The following is our next step. Please answer all these questions. J, I'm going to caution you that if give us any more pat answers I am not going to tolerate it. We have caught you lying several times already. We have a list of victims, and if you miss one, we will not accept "forgot" as any excuse. It should be thorough, and it better include them all. If you don't remember a name, say so, but indicate an age, time and what happened. Remember the definition "under 18."

Michele

Stay tuned to his response.

Day Fifty-six

2009-11-18T18:37:00.001-08:00

After J's email to Michele, I was very angry. I couldn't believe he actually turned the responsibility on me. On December 3 at 6:26 a.m. I wrote:

Michele,

I'm responding to this letter Jack wrote you. It was good for me to read it as I am currently angry about his response. My response to his points:

1. I never said "I do not presume to know your heart"... and then say he was still molesting children. My letter stated, "I do not presume to know your heart, but, I do know from my own experiences my responses to God when my heart is broken and contrite." I guess he just dropped off the last part of that sentence. In fact, the only place in that letter that I said anything about his current possible abuse of children is on Question # 13. "You say you don’t work with children, yet many pictures on the web sites show your involvement with children directly in the ocean or in the programs you say other teachers are leading. How can you prove to me that you are not involved with children any where? Why can’t your “schools” exist without your physical involvement? Your word is tremendously lacking in credibility, how can I be certain that you are not currently molesting any child, including your own children?"

And then at the end of the letter. "I am not convinced by your words, however, that you have proven to me, without any doubt, that no other child will be a victim in your hands. It is not my responsibility to prove that. That burden of proof falls in your hands."

UNFAIR? UNFAIR?

Does he even know the definition of unfair?

MAKING ASSUMPTIONS? It's because nobody made any assumptions before that this abuse was allowed to happen for so long.

2. Doesn't live in the American community only Japanese. So I presume that it's o.k. to sexually molest Japanese girls, as long as they aren't America. What does living in the Japanese community have to do with any of this?

3. If 95% of his programs are for adults, then how come the only ones we can find on the web pertain to children?

4. Why did N. Sensei and him part ways? No explaination.

5. 32 degrees celsius? What's that have to do with this? And to think he needed to share with you that he doesn't think in "farenheit" anymore??? Who CARES.

6. If he has a heart attack because of all this stress, will he blame that on us?

7. His debt has increased from $40,000 just last week to $90,000 this week. HELLO!!! Why doesn't he just sell his BEACH house. I don't have a BEACH house.

8. ETC. I wonder how many of his victims would appreciate being refered to as ETC.

9. Janet wants proof. WHAT DOES HE EXPECT? I guess since nobody has done anything for 30 years, he just wants 30 years more of peace.

10. Of course his wife doesn't see their relationship as abuse. Neither do thousands of other women who either are married to pedophilias or sexual abusers. She also doesn't want to lose the life style she's been living in ( I can't blame her).

11. He still doesn't understand what restitution means. Why don't you ask him to write a paper on the term "restitution" and research victims of child abuse and the suffering they go through. Why doesn't he search out what we need and come up with a good solution?

This letter was good for me to read because it just made me angry. Hopefully, I can proceed with a clearer head now. My friend who is my confidant has agreed to meet with me as much as I need to so I may also resort to that. My time this week is limited so I'm trying to be as mindful of that as possible.

Day Fifty-six

2009-11-18T04:18:00.000-08:00

While we were going back and forth with this correspondence with J, Michele was in the process of developing a website which would have exposed J to the world. She set out very carefully and diligently planning and preparing for it to be published. I must admit, this was very scary to me. I wasn't sure I wanted her to do that and we shared our concerns, fears, anxiety etc. about it. In the same way, sending a letter to the parents of ASIJ students, I'm not sure what felt bad about it except that I guess I felt exposed with that kind of public display. Sometimes, when you go through this stuff you feel like you are being violated all over again and I suppose that's how it felt.

The other night I had a dream and J and his wife were in it. We were at some kind of function, outdoors, and I was attempting to avoid him. He kept on calling my name, asking me why I was avoiding him. I continued to bypass, sidestep, ignore, and avoid him and in my dream he was very confident and wasn't reacting very timid or puppy dogish (for those of you who knew him - you would understand the puppy dog comment.) In my dream I never looked directly at him. I kept thinking, doesn't he know what he's done? I guess that makes sense based on the emails I'm rereading now. He didn't get it did he? Even though he admitted to the abuse, he really didn't believe it was abuse. To him it was just a innocent relationship. Wow! What a convoluted mind.

I would like to continue writing but my husband took our laptop to work and it has all my emails and files on it so I can't continue until he brings it home. So for now...... I hope you all have a wonderful and productive day.

God be with you......

Day Fifty-five - Response

2009-11-15T18:15:00.000-08:00

On Tuesday, December 2, 2003 J responded to Michele's email.

Hi, again, Michele...I received a mail from Janet saying that she does not want to have direct communication with me, so I will not re-answer her questions, unless you would like me to do so and send them to you. I answered them quickly the last time, responding in a kind of panic to Janet's angry letter. Believe me when I say that I understand her anger. I searched thoroughly last night for the addresses you requested. Please understand that I am living in a small, ancient apartment in the Akabane area of Tokyo, evacuated from Miyake, which is still erupting and unlivable. I have little space and live in a six mat room. I was unable to find one address...it has been 2-3 years since we communicated. For the other, I wrote her a Christmas letter last year, but I cannot find her address. I have a broken computer that does not send or receive mail anymore, but I was able to retrieve her e-mail on the screen. It is as follows: ________________ I assume she still uses that address. This computer is in the office at OWS, an NPO of which I act as president (Oceanic Wildlife Society).

I forgot to say that, yes, you have my permission to contact anyone I mentioned. I ask you to please, however, refrain from doing what Janet is doing; i.e. presuming me guilty before innocent, which is not, in my opinion, fair. To say, "I do not presume to know your heart", and then to say that I am still abusing children is unfair. Janet should not make assumptions based on her own very unfortunate experiences of 30 years ago. I have taken responsibility for my actions of the 1970s by doing everything possible to make myself of value to society. I do not live in the kind of bi-cultural community the ASIJ people (you and Janet, for example) know. I have absolutely no American friends or contacts (except one editor of the Japan Times, when I write an article for them), and I go weeks without speaking English except during my evening telephone calls (every evening) to my wife. I have done well in Japanese society. My programs are in environmental awareness, and 95% of them are for adults. The ones for kids are in summer, and all, except for 2, are run by local governments, school boards, etc. I am "honorary principal", making a welcoming address, a lecture, and a final statement about the program in front of the kids, but not taking part in the actual program. The two other programs are descendants of a program I started in 1987 for Japanese kids, in cooperation with Dr. K. Nakamura, then of Waseda University. It was a heavy environmental program, designed to produce scientists. Nakamura Sensei and I went our separate ways because I felt that the environment and the problems facing the environment were everybody's responsibility, regardless of academic capacity of the students. I teamed with Y. Unno, a former junior college teacher, and we continued the schools, but after my heart attack in 1997, I discontinued teaching. Our group "Ocean Family" is made up almost exclusively of adults, but our summer schools are for kids grade 5-12. Again, I make the opening speech and one or two other short talks on the reef environment and lead the final evening Wrap-up. I have only been in the water 3 times in the past two years, all for posed photographs for our publicity. My name attracts participants and so programs that use me want my photos with kids. Honestly, I have only been in the water with kids 3 times in the past two years...and only very rarely otherwise, for a TV show or a commercial.

I never sleep in the same room with anybody during any of my programs...kids or staff. My heart attack in 1997 caused an irregular heartbeat that gets serious when (1) I don't get enough sleep, (2) the temperature gets above 32 degrees Celsius (I don't think in Fahrenheit anymore), (3) when I am under immense stress (such as over the past few days). I have private rooms in hotels or minshukus (hostels) near the location of the school or, in one case, in an isolated room in the same building. The photos on internet that Janet mentioned where, in absolute truth, posed. I am definitely not the J you knew in the 1970s. I have done my best to be a productive, good citizen, and I have succeeded. I have had deep psychological problems over the past year, leading me to visit a psychologist. The Miyake volcano caused a $50,000 per year drop in my income. Before the eruption, I spent 6 months with my family in the Philippines, and six months at the Miyake-jima Nature Center at Miyake. The eruption changed that. Now, I rarely get to visit my beloved family. Our evening telephone conversations only give me the relief that they are safe, but my loneliness is immense, my economic problems are immense (in addition to the $40,000 debt my wife has run up by signing for supplies, etc., to repair the house (which was badly damaged by termites in 2001), I have run up a $90,000 debt, borrowing from various trusted Japanese friends to cover the rebuilding plan and the beach house.. My immense loneliness plus my anguish over large debts and decreased job offers, due to Japan's failing economy, have led me to seek psychological help again. My references to suicide are not, as Janet presumed, threats to make people feel guilty or to pity me, but, rather, sincere concerns about the suicide history in my family and my sometimes absolutely hopeless feelings about the future. As I said in one of my letters, I only want to be able to be with my family and die with my family nearby. That is not happening now, and it is getting increasingly economically difficult to image how it is going to happen.

I have greatly hurt people...Janet, xxxx, xxxxxx, etc. What can I do? You don't think I should contact them directly at this time. All I really can do is do what I have been doing for the past 20 years...lead a good life, be a positive, constructive and respected member of the community. I have been doing that (see the Marquis Who's Who in the World every year since 1999). I have written 25 books, all in Japanese, I have produced one CD (Victor Entertainment, Japan), with songs I wrote, especially a lullaby for my daughter.

I do not know what to do to take away the pain I have caused people. I can only do what I can, and what I have been doing to make up for it by doing my best to live a good life (as I have said above). Of course, I feel pain when I think bout the pain I caused kids I really liked. How do I show that? How to I prove it? Janet wants proof. This crisis has led me to seek psychological help again. Incidentally, my December 10 meeting with Dr. Y has been moved up to December 5.

Incidentally,my wife's date of birth was November 14, 1964. She is almost as old as Janet, and was 22 when we were married. It really hurt when Janet said I abused her...I asked my wife, and she got furious. As I said before, she is the deepest love I have even known, and we share it. She does not see my love and my deep care for our family as "abuse". Neither do I.

I am very, very, very sorry about all of this, Michele. I should have, obviously, not tried to run away from it, like I did in the 1980s, only coming back to face it as a result of Janet's letter. I should have faced it years ago, but I did not. I am sorry. But, anyone who knows the J of the 1990s and early 21st Century knows that I am no threat to any segment of society as I am today. In addition to apologizing sincerely and painfully, and in leading a good, respectable life (as I have done for 20 years), the only other thing I can do is be as honest and as open as possible with you. I am doing that, and I will continue to do that. J

Day Fifty-four - Live Life to its Fullest?

2009-11-14T06:05:00.001-08:00

If you care to bear with me while I write a little about my ramblings I'm going to digress into some basic thoughts about things. If you want to skip this, please do.

The other day I was thinking about several things. One was the often heard phrase or sentiment, "Live life to its fullest!"

For several days before this, I was grappling with the verse from the Bible, "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God."
1 Corinthians 10:31.

Now, I know some of you who are reading this don't share the same beliefs as I do, however, thank you for bearing with me through this. Just for this reading, start with the supposition that there really is a God. And this God is all loving, all knowing, creator of the universe, gracious, merciful and just, perfect in every way. Hopefully, now you can see how I am looking at these two statements.

So, I was thinking about living life to its fullest while sitting in my living room listening to my now 17 year old playing the guitar he got for his birthday. Shortly after, my 14 year old came in and began playing the keyboard. Then the dog came in and started harassing the cat (now you can sort of see how my household is - my sisters can vouch for this!!). I was just sitting on the couch with a glass of wine, trying to enjoy the moment (living life to the fullest!!) but as I started contemplating this, I began seeing a problem with this sentiment. If we all are living life to its fullest, but while doing so, have no consideration of those around us then because of our own goal of living life to the fullest, we may be robbing another person of their joy.

Take my cat, Blair, who was just sitting there minding her own business - enjoying our presence. Well, her peace and solitude was completely interrupted by my little dog, Polly was doing what she wanted to by barking and lunging at Blair. Polly's actions of doing what came most naturally to her completely disrupted the peace and tranquility of Blair. In the same way, when my 14 year old came in to play the piano while my 17 year old was playing the guitar, he interrupted the goal that my 17 year old had of wanting to play his new guitar while we were listening to him. Do you see where I'm going with this?

I started comparing that to the verse, "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all to the glory of God." Supposing that there is a God, if our our behavior is constantly being filter through this, what would that look like? Rather than our "living life to its fullest" no matter the consequences to us or others, if we do everything to the glory of God, then our actions and life would be completely different. I wouldn't respond to my husband or children with frustration but with love and respect. I wouldn't cut people off while I'm driving and would be kinder to people who I don't like. I would love continuously even when I don't want to. Really - isn't this what we all desire?

I have really been trying to concentrate on this verse and try to do this. Do you know, it's really hard!! In fact, it's impossible!! Lots of time I don't remember I'm concentrating on that verse. I don't even think about God. I think someone called that selective atheism or something like that.

As I write about our journey I see that while J was, "living life to the fullest", children were being abused. I also see in some of my communications and actions later, I didn't concentrate on the verse, "do it all to the glory of God." This puts us all in the same dilemma. None of us are able act, do, perform, serve, behave, or think in the way God desires us to. So, what do we do about that?

For me, that places me firmly on the level ground in front of the cross - for God sent his provision (himself- his son) to bear the burden of my failures. Thanks be to God.

I really am thankful that you were willing to read this. :)

Day Fifty-four - New Communication to J

2009-11-14T06:02:00.000-08:00

So, sometime between Thanksgiving and the first of December Michelle sent J an email. This is what it said.

Janet and I have both been investigating your history of inappropriate behavior with children for some time now.

We very much appreciate the candidness in your past letters as well as your willingness to communicate with us. We strongly recommend maintaining this level of honesty and cooperation with us. Happily, it sounds like you are willing to do this. We really want to resolve this matter with as little collateral damage as possible. However, we need more information. We have both read your letters, and need to do a little more investigating before we respond to you. I sincerely promise we won't do anything that would hurt or embarrass your wife and children. But your honesty is key here, I hope you can appreciate that.

For starters, we really don't think it would be wise for you to contact any of your old victims directly. Our experience with those we have encountered so far is that they would only suffer further violation and pain to hear from you out of the blue. We sincerely appreciate your desire to make direct and immediate amends, but trust us to handle this from the perspective of the violated child. Let us do that for you. We can provide a much safer shield for everyone all around while maintaining privacy and discretion. If someone wants to communicate directly with you, we will be more happy to set it up as we know how healing this can be.

In your letters, you have encouraged us to check some if these facts out on our own, so if you don't mind, we'd like to take you up on that. Your wife left a phone number with Janet that was written down incorrectly. Could you please email me the correct one. I would like to speak to her myself. I will be as courteous to her as Janet was.

Also, I want the last two known addresses of both XXX and XXX. We want to contact them too. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Michele Connor
Victim Advocate/Miyake Survivors Group

(I never knew until I just re-read this email that Michele had signed it with the "Victim Advocate/Miyake Survivors Group. I find that really kind of funny actually. )

Day Fifty-three

2009-11-12T18:58:00.000-08:00

I started to write last night but was so tired I was falling asleep at the computer. I don't know if I mentioned this or not but after I was able to decrypt three of the five files Michele sent it is taking an enormous amount of time reading through them. For example, the first file is 66 pages. The second is 144 pages and the third is 156 pages. So, between and full time job, a full time wife and mother and football, I don't have much discretionary time to filter through all of the correspondence. However!! This morning I discovered several messages that fit the time line of late November and early December.

Just wanted to recap and remind you (and me) of somethings. Some ( a lot) of our correspondence was done verbally via telephone or in person. So, I'm having a hard enough time remembering my name much less a conversation I had with someone 6 years ago. I'm not sure that we have all the written correspondence associated with our endeavors, either. I am attempting to remember it as much the way it was as possible but there are more than likely discrepancies of time and of instances because of the lapse of time since 2003.

As I mentioned in a previous post, after I returned home from my parents from Thanksgiving and J had left a message on my answering service, it was evident that we needed to switch things up. At this point Michele took more of the initiative with J and I backed off waiting to hear from her. Here is her initial response to his first emails.

Dear Janet,
Thanks so much for sending the letters to me. I can see why this posed such a quandary to you. Its long, rambling, and its hard to reconcile some of the time frames that he mentions. Also, I can see how he pushes all emotional buttons. Its hard to remain indifferent to his suffering. He certainly trotted it all out, the psychological suffering, the poverty stricken wife, the huge loan overshadowing them, his old age, his heart attack, his suicide attempts, his loneliness, his hermetic lifestyle, his great love for his children, his great affection for US. I don't think he missed a single beat.

May I just throw out some thoughts that I have after reading it? Many you have mentioned already...but I just want to go over them...in a way, it helps desensitize me by doing this. He justifies his attraction to kids as a way of resolving his terrible, terrible, loneliness. He was never a "cold plotting predator", just a lonely, isolated guy with no-one else to turn to. The kids were just there. Can you blame him? He was all by himself on Miyake with nothing but the fish he was studying. He had a great affection for us kids. He really loved us! (I never saw him as a confused, messed up individual, did you? I thought he was pretty organized and friendly and got along well with people.)

He quit ASIJ in 1984 after he got his Doctoral Degree. How does that fit in with him "leaving in 2000"? Do you suppose he left and came back purely "off-campus"? Could something have happened in 1984 involving a child. I can't believe that ASIJ fired him in 2000 based on one letter, judging by their historical inactivity. I'm beginning to suspect other stuff happened. I really want to know who those other 2 were. Maybe he got caught two other times?

"I think my children should have roots, and they will live in the Philippines after I die, (many, many references to his death), so it is best they get a good education there." In justifying why they are there, and he is is Japan, this sentence makes absolutely no sense to me whatsoever. If anything, it has to be more expensive for him because he is maintaining two households. I think it has to do with his old wife. How does he explain us living in Tokyo, knowing we would end up in the US or another country after we graduated. Its totally hypocritical.

Don't go after me. If you do, you will only be hurting my children and my poverty stricken (extreme!), subsistence-level existing wife who has a huge $40,000 loan hanging over her head. I have only a limited, fixed income. I need my schools for the survival of my family. I live alone at the edge of poverty and send all the money I earn to help my wife and kids. Exposing me will destroy THEM not me. Remember for the first time in my life, I found peace and happiness with them. He lived alone while still working with the ASIJ Miyake program, because he had a heart attack, and needed his 8 hours of sleep, not because he couldn't be near children.

He is consultant, administrator and adviser to programs that work with children. But he does not live with children or interact with them by himself. He doesn't even know the kids names or remember their faces. I find this a tad difficult to imagine. Do you suppose he just remembers their bodies?

Just thoughts to throw into the air. Let me know when you hear from him. I will wait until you do. I have some other questions for him, mostly financial ones to start with. I'm sure he has a pension from the school. In the Philippines, a third world country, a small pension can go a very very long way. Most of San Miguel are retirees living like kings on their meager pensions.

One very good thing about these letters are, he does admit that he is/was a pedophile.

I sent an email to ASIJ today, to push them into some action. I have waited a month, I think its time for some answers about some programs. A friend is sending me a telephone directory with all the current students, names, addresses and telephone numbers. I told him I don't want to start contacting these parents on my own, I would rather do it with the blessing and in conjunction with, ASIJ. But it was a bit assertive.

I told him you heard from J and that J admitted to his pedophilia, nothing more. And that it doesn't let ASIJ off the hook in terms of their lack of responsiveness. This admission of his is a tremendous relief isn't it? I guess this is more than I ever expected.

Thanks and love,
Michele

Gotta run. School and work! I'll write more later.

Day Fifty-two - Child Slavery - Trafficing children

2009-11-11T04:09:00.001-08:00

(I started this post earlier in the week but life and circumstances have gotten in the way of my posting anything yet. I'm not completely finished with this but I'm going to post what I have with the hopes that I can write tonight after Catholic High's Open House - for which I am volunteering.)

Last week I received an email from a MK friend who I just reconnected with during our SBMK reunion in October. She is my oldest brother's and sister's age so was at ASIJ during the late 60's. When she wrote the email she didn't realize that she was affirming for me exactly the response I had hoped for from someone who didn't or doesn't know me now. I don't plan to share the entire email as it's personal but I do want to share a few of the comments that mean a lot to me.

"I am glad I got to see you as an adult before learning so much about J's attacks on you, because I can see that despite his best efforts, he did not destroy you, and you are a beautiful woman, inside and out. I’m not sure what I would’ve pictured if I’d read your blog entries first. I probably would’ve tried to imagine what a mess I’d be if I’d been sexually abused for 3 years by an adult, not to mention a teacher I idealized, and then on top of that, felt I had to keep it all inside. The situation is so shocking that there are no words in the English language to describe it. I’ve been reading your blog since you told me about it and I’ve completely worn out the word “appalling” in my head. It’s come to mind so much that it’s lost its meaning and I need to come up with something stronger to replace it."

I also had lunch with a friend yesterday and she said, "I don't really know how to say this but as I'm reading your blog I see that you aren't wallowing in it." Again, I am very thankful for these kind of responses because as I've tried to express that I'm not seeking pity or even compassion. I've already dealt with the implications of this and have gone through that mess. This is just an attempt to share what this "mess" looks like from the inside.

So thank you friends (you know who you are) for supporting me with your encouraging words.

The other day my husband, oldest son and I stopped at a local chinese restaurant for lunch. As we were walking in a huge billboard above the restaurant posted, "Stop Child Slavery - Go to www.traffickinghope.org" Well, it might be good for you to visit that website. It is amazing how children are still being exploited in this day and age.

That's why when I read an email like the one Michele got from another ASIJ student I continue to be amazed.

Dear Michele,

During our first or second mini-reunion at your house with the girls, the subject of J's pedophilia came up. I was appalled and could only think about the children he was now coming in contact with. I did not ask you or the others for permission but when I got back home the first thing I did was call ASIJ.

I said it was an emergency and I received a call back from the headmaster. I recounted to him the tale of sexual abuse I had been made aware of. I had been reading about what a great program J was running at Miyake and could only feel fear for those children. Would you believe his (the headmaster's) reaction?

He did not in any way acknowledge J's activities, I don't know if he knew or not. All he said to me is "don't you know, he is happily married with children?" And all I could say to him is that "that's never stopped anyone before."

He also said that the Miyake children were always with many people and never alone with J anyway. To that, I responded that if that's what he thought of J, then J should not be with children. And then I heard nothing about it, not from him, the Board, nothing.

When was that Michele? 1996 or 1997?

Does that mean that the headmaster did nothing to tell the school that I had contacted him or confront J till 2003? 8 long years? I hope not but who knows.

I'm so glad you finally had the courage and conviction to confront him and the school.

Now, what to do about the headmaster if indeed he did nothing from when he talked with me untill 2003?

Much love, ( I deleted the name of the person who wrote the email.)

So again and again and again the school was told, given an opportunity to something and they did nothing!! Unbelievable.

I must run and get ready for work but will begin tonight to tackle December of 2003. As more and more communications came in from different people the list and number of those he abused continued to grow. Well beyond his own memory of those girls. That is another example of his narcissistic psychopathy that continued to prevail in his emails.

Sorry I've been so long in posting. I'll get back on track and hopefully get through this story before too long. As always, I love to hear feedback so keep on commenting as I go along. Stay posted!! Protect your children. Give to organizations who help protect children!!

Day Fifty-0ne Dauphin Island - Beautiful and peaceful

2009-11-07T13:46:00.000-08:00

Back at the beach enjoying the beauty of the fall in the south. Temperatures are in the mid 70's and dipping into the 60's at night. I'm watch LSU play Alabama with Chuck at the "Oarhouse". Funny play on words. For those of you who are just joining in on this blog I want to remind you that most of the time frame referenced is during 2003 and 2004. I have received comments and responses as if this is present and it's what I'm experiencing now. I'm just going back several years and sharing my experience in confronting my abuser. Any advise as to how I should handle the situation is somewhat futile since it has already happened. I do appreciate your thoughts, however, and encourage you to continue reading and responding.

I'm going through the disk Michele sent me last week and realize that I have forgotten a lot. I'm not sure, however, whether or not the stuff I forgot really matters. I do remember while I was going through all of this I counted on my siblings a great deal. Particularly my oldest brother and oldest sister. While going through this mess, questioning whether or not I was doing the right thing, I was talking to my oldest brother about it. He reminded me about the statement made by Edmund Burke, "All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." That really made me think about what we were doing.

But even so, I still questioned and maybe even still do, whether or not we did the right thing. The most difficult thing to figure out during all this time was, "What if he is telling the truth?" Although everything we read, studied and learned said that pedophiles don't change, he still had somewhat of a manipulative hold on me. Many comments have noticed that J was still using his manipulative tactics to influence me. That's why, I think, what happened next happened.

Thanksgiving 2003, my family went to my Mom and Dad's in Mississippi. We planned to go for a couple of day as my husband and boys wanted to return to Baton Rouge to see LSU play Arkansas, a tradition during the Thanksgiving holidays. Because I wasn't going to the game, I stayed in Mississippi until Saturday. When I returned home, Chuck (my husband) met me at the door. He said, "There is a message on the answering machine. I wanted to let you know about it before you listen to it. It's from J."

I really never thought he would actually call me. But, then again, I really never thought any of this would happen to me. You know when girls are young and they imagine their lives as women, as mothers, as wives...... I don't remember ever imagining that as a young informative teenager. I don't remember day dreaming about being married.........having young children.......being a working woman........ I really don't remember day dreaming about much.

I do remember during seventh grade my friend and I would "pretend" we were cheerleaders and "pretend" we had boyfriends. We would go into our living room and completely rearrange the furniture, and do our cheers and act like we were swooning the boys. Very funny. Those memories are fun and innocent. In fact, my friend and I were talking about those memories a few weeks ago at the SBMK reunion we had in October. We both later cheered together and had some really good real memories.

While I was in Mississippi during Thanksgiving, I told my parents what we (Michele and I) were doing. Up to this point they didn't know anything about Michele and my endeavors. When I let them know that I sent a letter to J, my Mother responded hesitantly. She asked me why I "let" him do that to me? My interpretation of that was - "You were in control, you let him do it. So why are you bringing this up now." But because I had gotten to this point, being able to "confront" him, I was also able to handle to responses I got from others, even my parents. To the point that I was able to not only answer her but forgive her. It's really hard being a parent. We try to protect our children, but we also want to give them the freedom to make their own choices. It's sometimes hard to understand the difference between freedom and abuse. Sometimes, parents need forgiveness, too. I hope my kids will forgive me for everything I've done or haven't done for them.

After I returned home and Chuck told me about J calling, my knees went weak. I wasn't sure I could talk to him or even listen to his voice. I did finally listen to his voice mail and heard a pleading desperate man. At that point, I wasn't sure I could go forward. Chuck was sure I couldn't and basically told me that I couldn't continue to contact him. So, at this point, I turned over the reigns to Michele and she took over the correspondence with J. I sent an email telling him that I couldn't correspond with him anymore because he was using his manipulative tactics with me and I wasn't willing to subject myself to that. So, he began corresponding with Michele. We were now at the end of November and the beginning of December, 2003,

Day Fifty - Back to the beach

2009-11-06T05:07:00.000-08:00

I received the emails from Michele this week. Having to decode them with a different software. Have three TOC files that I have been unable to open. Tried Mail Navigator without success. Was able to open the MBX files with that. Any suggestions?

Otherwise, I now have roughly 250 pages to go through. Documents from 2003 and 2004. Heading to the beach. Let me know if you can help me open those files.

Have a wonderful weekend!!

Day Forty-nine

2009-11-03T02:41:00.000-08:00

When I first started to write this blog, I really thought that I could do it without much emotion, after all, I've already been through all this stuff and I made it through then right? And although I do believe I have pretty much "healed" from all of this I realize now that there are things that still hurt and cause me much emotion. I guess it's kind of like an injury you got from a hard blow or cut that has "healed" but when it gets cold outside or starts to rain the point of injury lets you know it's still there.

Also, as I write, I'm looking back on actions which, at the time, I was right in the midst of. While I was going through this my thoughts and feelings were different, I'm sure. As I look back on it, I must admit, reading through these emails and correspondence again sometimes makes me sick to my stomach, keeps me awake at night and causes me to be more self-focused than I want to be. I am finding a real need to get through this and get on the other side.

As you read this, please remember this is not only a recollection of circumstances from years ago, but also my own emotions now as I go through this. So when I write that it's becoming more difficult, and/or that I want to quit, I don't anticipate getting this far and doing that, it's just how I am feeling at that point.

If you are the praying sort of person, prayer is always good and I depend on it and covet it. "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you." John 14: 27

So as I continue the journey, I take with me your support and encouragement. It's interesting to read the responses I have received so far. I expected to get a lot more negative reactions but am experiencing nothing of the sort. So far, all but a couple of responses have been in complete support of me and for that I thank you. Your comments do help to spur me on and encourage me to make it to the end. If you are reading on the blog site and want to comment just to me, you may write me via email at janet@calcote.com or you can write through facebook via the "inbox". Either way works without anyone else reading it. I may not directly respond to your comment but I try to send a collective message whenever I can.

After my extensive response to J's email, I received a response sometime during the week before Thanksgiving, 2003. As I type the email, my current/present remarks are in (parenthesis.)

Dear Janet,

I have read your letter, and I will comment on it to the best of my ability. I attempted to kill myself in 1985. I never in either of my letters to you to date threatened to do so again. I have two children and a wife - in trouble - that I would never do that to. As for the case of me "ignoring you" when you met the boat, I have absolutely no recollection of that, and , in my memories of you, I doubt that I would have done such a thing. (Unbelievable!!) Who was I with? Was I stressed? (How the hell am I supposed to know!!)

Let me turn to your questions: (This remark seems to deliberate - or rehearsed)

1. Why did you suspect that I might have been the "one" who contacted ASIJ in 2000? I expected it might be you because my actions with you took place when you were quite young and were more intimate and shameful than what took place with other kids, except __________ and ______________, with whom I corresponded on this subject some years ago.

2. How have you "taken responsibility" for your actions?
What have I done to correct these mistakes? I have tried since the 1980's to lead a good life and contribute positively to society. I have especially succeeded in Japan. I have had next to no contact with ASIJ for years, and my contributions are in Japanese society, as you can see on the internet. I try to help people whenever I can. I try to be a decent person. That is really all I can say.

3. Why do you suppose being divorced or dealing with grief from your mother's death would "cause" you to molest children? Many people suffer through divorce, death of much worse and do not resort to child abuse.
This is a difficult question. (He proceeds to say some not so nice things about his ex-wife). I went on weekends on various trips and had little to do with the faculty socially. I became too deeply involved in the kids world and became emotionally attached to some of them.. you were one, ________ and _________ were others. (I don't think he understood the implications of my question. My question was a bit sarcastic.)

4. When did you leave ASIJ? Was it permanent? Did anyone from the administration confront you prior to 2000? When did they? Who was it? Why did you leave ASIJ? What is the time reference to your leaving ASIJ and your going to Santa Barbara?
I quit ASIJ in 1984, after I got my doctorate, and tried to start a new life as a scientist. I went to Santa Barbara for a trimester, returning to Japan, my only home, in March 1985. I did not return to ASIJ, but lived alone at Miyake. This was the period that Miyake was being threatened by a military airport. I became very involved in working against that. ASIJ wanted to continue the Miyake program, and did so. (WOW - and this is after how many people came forward and told the administration about his sexual abuse?) I lived in a separate house. The school ran their own program. I was on-island administrator. I met the boats, got the vans to the proper pier, which depended upon the wind, brought the food, paid all the bills, made all the minshuku (hostel) arrangements and told the shrine story. The house I lived in was one I built for scientists who used my marine lab. I did not know the kids names nor have the time or the desire to get to know them personally. From 1993 to the volcano in 2000, I worked at the Miyake Nature Center from 8-5 daily, taking even less part in the program. The program ended with the eruption of the volcano in 2000. I can honestly say that I do not know the names of any of the kids that were in the program during that period.....I was that far removed from it. I led the shrine story night, a singing night, and I guided them to the far side of the island to experience the Miyake taiko drumming, which I explained - because the explanations were in Japanese.
(I wonder if he forgot the young ASIJ student who he asked to help him solicit money for his farm after the volcano erupted. How many ASIJ alumni/parents/faculty received that email?)

5. When did you return to Japan? Did you return to ASIJ? Did you resume your work with the Miyake program? What was the school's involvement with that? What were the terms of the arrangement between you and ASIJ? What, if anything, happened in 1990 after the "70's" reunion in Long Beach when you were nominated "favorite teacher" and then the award was pulled from you?
I knew very little about the 1970's reunion. I was told that I had won the "best teacher" vote, but then I was told that a last minute rush of votes gave the prize to Mr. Gallagher. That is all I know. It was not a big deal to me.

6. The use of the word "improper" is incredibly benign in describing these relationships. Did you tell your psychologist in Santa Barbara that you were a child sexual predator and that you had sexually abused many girls? If so, why would she/he not suggest you contact us and deal with the issue at that time? Any competent psychologist would have advised you to : 1) admit your problem and face it, 2) make restitution to those whom you abused, 3) be willing to suffer the consequences of your actions and 4) immediately stop being in contact of any form with children.
My psychologist in California - the 2nd one - told me what you said, but I ran from it. I did not face up to it. I was convinced I could start a new life, and I feel that I did. What I could not run away from was my self-hate and guilt.

7. Are you still in touch with the psychologist in Santa Barbara? I'd like to get in touch with him/her with your request of release of information.
There were two psychologists in California. They first treated me in the hospital after I tried to kill myself, and was more concerned with controlling my self-destructive impulses. I went to the 2nd psychologist after I got out of the hospital. I do not remember their names....HONESTLY! As I said, I did not follow all of the advise of the 2nd one. He helped me a lot, though, and I did not return to close relationships with kids.

8. You say you lived alone after that not interacting with any children. What, if any, was ASIJ's involvement in this?
After I returned to Japan, I had no involvement with ASIJ except as I said above. They continued the Miyake Program. Later, from about 1996 or so, I guided PTA Family eco tours to various parts of Japan....3 times per year, ending in 1999. I was deeply involved with my research in the early part of those days, and in my marriage from 1987.

9. You also mentioned that you didn't have any involvement with children after the 1970's yet you married a young (17 year old?) girl when you were 59. I'm not sure I follow that explanation. My wife was an adult, in her twenties, when we were married. I was 57. There are many such marriages. I grew to deeply love her, and that love continues to grow...our problems with finances now and the effect they may have on her future after I die is my chief concern in the world - along with the subject of this letter.

10. You say you would like to contact the women I've communicated with to apologize to them, however, you have never tried to contact me. My name, address and email have been listed on the ASIJ site for 30 years. So, why nhow do you desire to contact others when you haven't to this point contacted me?
I was wrong. I did inexcusable things. I am truly sorry. But, I can only say that I was wrong, very wrong. I am truly sorry for the pain I caused you and others. I don't know what else to say. True, I should have contacted you long ago, especially after the psychologist told me to, but, I did not have the courage. I regret that. What more can I say, Janet. I was wrong. I hurt people I cared about and caused suffering that I may never fully know the extent of. I can only say that I am very, very sorry.

11. Who are the two women you have contacted? I'd like to verify this information. (He names two girls here). I asked ___________ to come back and join me, before I married my wife. I really hoped she would come and that we might marry in the future. (OKAY - people - this person he is referring to was MY age. As a child she lived in his home. I spoke to her at length in 2003 and at that time she told me she would do whatever it took to help us. She also said I could share with you who she was - but I chose not to in case her feelings have changed.) She contacted me later and said she was coming with a friend, but she went to Taiwan and not to Japan. We talked after that. The other girl came back just before she got married. I asked her to stay. I really wanted somebody. We had a short relationship, but she returned to the U.S. and married. We were in contact again some years ago. She, like you, was deeply hurt by my behavior with her when she was a young kid. I apologized to her and explained to her about my current life style. She, like you, was afraid I might molest my own children. I would rather burn in hell than do anything to hurt my children!

12. In addition, I have at least seven women I know who were sexually abused by you. What are the names of those girls you remember molesting?
Girls I had "crushes" on were - (CRUSHES - what does he mean by that? - We were just a high school crush? We didn't have any control over this. ) (He proceeds to name six others besides me - only two names we had were the same - which means at this point we identified at least twelve girls he molested). You were one of those, and I cannot believe or imagine ever "ignoring" you. Others who I was close to but never behaved improperly were.....(names six including Michele) and a few others. The "J groupies", they were called at school. I did not behave incorrectly with any of those kids. (What does "incorrectly" mean to him? I wonder what he thought about kids who witnessed his "indiscretion" and, what about those he placed emotional burdens on.)

13. You say you don't work with children, yet many pictures on the web sites show your involvement with children directly in the ocean or in the programs you say other teachers are leading. How can you prove to me that you are not involved with children anywhere? Why can't your "schools" exist without your physical involvement? Your word is tremendously lacking in credibility, how can I be certain that you are not currently molesting any child, including your own children?
The web site photos are posed....HONESTLY...at the request of the people who run the programs. My name is known in Japan, and my name attracts people to the programs....but I do not have a direct teaching role in any of these programs. One way to prove it would be to have an acquaintance in Japan have her/his high school child take part in one without me knowing it. That would be a source of information of the truth. I can only give you my word. I do not have a problem with kids anymore! As for my own kids, the very thought sickens me. I love them more deeply than any love I have ever known!

14. What do you mean by a limited fixed income? Are you receiving any compensation from retirement from ASIJ? If not, why not? Most people have mortgages for their home and any other properties. Many people have debts that exceed $40,000. In fact, $40,000 is a very low figure in the modern world. I'm not sure how your desire or lack there of to work in the Philippines has anything to do with this. I'm not sure how your current financial obligations have anything to do with this as well. People, all the time sell their assets when they are unable to pay for them. I don't see your family going to jail because they can't pay the debt. I could see that the beach property that you own in your wife's name could be sold to pay the debt you own.
There is no life for my children or my wife in Japan after I die. Japan is a racist country and Southeast Asians bear the brunt of it with Koreans. I want my wife to have a nice house and an income when I die, and I want my kids to get the best possible Philippine education they can get...which is what is happening now and has become immensely difficult due to financial problems.

15. If you are happily married and care for your children, then why are you separated from then? All of us who grew up in Japan had a bi-cultural experience. Why shouldn't they live with you in Japan?
I quit ASIJ early, and my pension is a mere $1,000 per month. I do not get Social Security. You said that $40,000 is not much these days. It is an absolute fortune for my wife and me! Both of our houses are mortgaged (the beach house and our home), and my wife has deep debts in addition on both. To make matters worse, she lent the beach house to another person, so that she has loaned the same house to two people - the bank mortgage and the other family....which is illegal. I am trying very, very hard to pay off both of these debts and to keep her out of trouble. I am living an unhappy life here in japan, to make this possible. I will be with them for three weeks from December 11 to 30th...but I want to be with them always. Incidentally, my wife hated living in Japan!!

16. What exactly do you mean by "a large extent?' Your statement reads, and I quote, "Please, Janet, understand that I have dealt with the problem, and to a large extent, succeeded."
I have defeated the "attraction to children" problem, thoroughly, but not the problem of "self-contempt" and "self-hate". All I can offer is my word. You seem reluctant to accept that, certainly due to the fact that you were badly hurt by me and you feel like I deliberately manipulated you. I did not, Janet. I was very much attracted to you, (I WAS ELEVEN!!), as unhealthy an attraction as this obviously was! (This makes my stomach hurt.)

17. I have offered to help you and you have requested my help, however, how do I know that this is not another manipulation ploy to get me to succumb to your emotional plea? What concrete evidence do you have to prove that what you are saying is true?
I cannot offer any concrete proof, other than my word, which you do not seem to accept. The plan I suggested above...get someone you trust to take part in one of my programs and get to know the J of today - without me knowing it. I would really appreciate it if you would get me into contact with the "seven" women you mentioned. What concrete proof can I offer? Of course I feel terrible about the pain I caused those of you whom I got close to. Of course I do! In my previous two letters I did not focus on that issue, because I was trying to tell you as I am in this letter, that I went through some difficult times then, with myself, and I have broken free from that!! I really have, Janet. True, I owe deep apologies to the people I hurt. I have absolutely no contact with ASIJ or Americans. My entire world is deep within the Japanese culture and/or Philippine culture. I have no school address books, nothing. Put me in contact with those women, and I will apologize, as I said in my first letter. (So now the responsibility is with me to get him in contact with everyone?)

18. Who contacted you in 2000? You mentioned that two ASIJ administrators contacted you. What are their names?
The two ASIJ administrators were ________________ , Director of Business Affairs and _________________, Middle School principal, who had worked with me at Miyake and was shocked. Early, in about 1990 or 1991, the Middle School principal (a different one than the one in 2000) had mentioned to me that she had heard that I was a bad influence around children but that, after working with me - and observing me closely - she felt that I was a very excellent outdoor education person. She saw me in the post 1984 years, when I was an administrator rather than a teacher and lived separately. (I don't guess she ever put her futon next to his when she was eleven either. Besides - don't you think she should have done some more extensive investigations if she had heard some bad things about him? - Who told her? Why didn't they do anything about it? Again, unbelievable!!)

19. What prompted your seeing a psychologist in April of 2003? Who is it? I'd like to speak with him/her. Have you shared with this psychologist your proclivity to abusing children sexually? You say you haven't resumed your molestations? How do I know that? My psychologist is Japanese...Dr. ___________. He is dealing with my depression problems, not child abuse. I do not have that problem any more. Honestly, Janet. My problem today is getting along with myself.

20. I spoke to your wife and she expressed concern of how this will affect her and your children. I resent the fact that SHE has been put in this position. In my opinion, she is as much or more so one of your victims. She just happened to marry you. I am so very sad that she is suffering the consequences of this and that you put her into a position of not only having to suffer your consequences but to try and plead your case for you. Does she know the details of your "problem" in the 70's?

Yes, I told my wife. She knew I was greatly troubled in the years just after our marriage. She made me into a good person. I owe her my life. I am not trying to manipulate your emotions or sympathies. It is true. She did more for me than anyone in my life, including my mother.

21. One of the other "girls" remembered a time when we all went with you to several inaugurations for a Japanese boat company. She remembers being approached by a Japanese man from this company. He made sexual advances to her and she was able to fend him off. When she questioned you about his, your response was, "Well, a man does have needs." What was your involvement in this? I remember several times when we went to things with Japanese men. Was there some sort of young girls sex ring?

I do not remember the incident. Many Miyake males are notorious for that kind of conduct. (Huh?) Lorna hated Miyake! (Huh, Huh?) Obviously, there was no sex ring. I was invited to bring my guests (eleven, twelve and thirteen year old girls?) to important events, like the barbecue done each year by the president of the boat company. There was never any other contact between me and those people, and there still isn't.

22. Evidence that this has taken so long to actually "come out", proves that you were either very selective in those who you chose to abuse or that all of us, ASIJ, our parents, those of us who were abused, were too stupid or weak to recognize the situation as it was and to face it, regardless of the outcome. How did you decide who you were going to chose?

This question is not hard to answer. I really like those kids.....in the absence of a normal adult social life, I became far too deeply involved with kids. (????????????) I suppose it would start with a touch, and then get more intimate. It was not "evil manipulation" in my mind at that thime. I regret it deeply.

As for "proof" of who I am today, or, at least who I was in the 1990's, you should write to _____ (the Middle School Principal from the 1990's.)

I have accepted God...but not a Southern Baptist God. It is not an institutionalized thing with me. I do not quote from the Scripture, although I have read it. I pray...for others....my wife, especially now, my kids, and in view of the past few days, the people whom I have hurt in my life. My prayers are not for selfish things for myself. For you and the others, I pray now for peace of mind. For my wife and kids, I pray that I have not ruined their lives by my behavior from 30 years ago, and that I can get my wife out of her economic difficulties.

You said in your letter that it sounded like I was trying to get off the hook. Of course, I want to lead the rest of my life peacefully with myself and my family. That was a difficult problem before your letter... immensely difficult now. But, I know in my own mind, that I am living a very good life style now, as far as my relations with society go...society includes kids. I know that I am very unhappy in my personal life because I put the future of my family above my own happiness, and I work here to provide a future for them in the Philippines. I cannot prove what I say....but I know in my heart that I am telling the truth.

Finally, a psychologist, but probably not a religious person like yourself, would be interested to know that MOST of the relatives on my mother's side of the family killed themselves; my mother, her sister and two older brothers and her nephew. I tried, too. Is there something genetic in suicidal people? (Huh? - He's asking me?) I can only say that, under my current seemingly impossible situation, I cannot imagine taking that approach, due to the torture it would cause my family. I love my family unlike anything I have ever known in my life!!

{End of Email}

Day Forty-eight - More correspondence

2009-11-02T17:36:00.000-08:00

I received an email today from Michele. She sent me a CD containing all of our correspondence. I already mentioned to you before that my computer crashed and my thumb drive was stolen so I lost most correspondence with Mr. J and others. Hopefully, when the CD arrives I can add more to this intense story.

Last night I was talking to a friend who hasn't read my blog but knows what it's about. She asked me if I was keeping up with the McKenzie Phillips story. I confess that I haven't kept up with it. She mentioned that at first she (McKenzie) was molested and even raped by her father but eventually it became consensual. How is that possible? How could it ever become consensual? She was raped and abused over a long time by her father? In order for it to become consensual she would have to have never been abused in the first place.

My husband and I were talking about it this morning. He said he had read Mr. J's first email again and was wondering what I was feeling about it right now. I expressed my questions about whether I did the right thing. His reaction to Mr. J's response was similar to those who felt he was manipulating the situation again. He was trying to gain sympathy. My husband helped me to stay level during this entire process.

I don't know what day it was with my response but probably before Thanksgiving. I replied with the following email.

Dear J, (By now I was finished with formalities.)

After I received your letter, I needed many hours to contemplate what you said, my feelings about what you said, the questions that arose, and how to respond. After receiving the second letter my own feelings have intensified. Understand when I say to you that I have forgiven you and have no vindictive agenda while proceeding. However, also understand that this is something that I have had to live with for 30 plus years. that the scars that are in me are permanent. Just because I have forgiven you, doesn't mean that I have no emotion regarding my past. In fact, it gives me more freedom to feel the pain.

You have attempted to place a tremendous burden again on me, by attempting to put the outcome of your life and your family's lives on my shoulders. That is not and never will be my responsibility. I will not accept any responsibility for any consequences that you might have to suffer. I resent the implication that your life and that of your family's is in my hands. It is not and never has been. Only God knows your heart, I can not and will not assume to know it. I do know, however, when God has revealed to me something that I have done that is wrong and that has hurt others, His word shows that I am to go to the person I have hurt and seek restitution and forgiveness. I'm not sure how any restitution has been sought by you. What actions have you taken to make it right with those of us who you abused? How have you shown us that you are willing to pay the price of your past actions? (Wow, I didn't remember that I was that strong!)

A verse that comes to mind is Psalm 51:17 which says, "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." As I said above, I do not presume to know your heart, but, I do know from my own experiences my responses to God when my heart is broken and contrite. You said in your second letter that you have "accepted" God. What exactly that means, I do not quite understand.

There is a verse in Micah 6:9 in the Old Testament that says this. "He has shown you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." As I ponder over what these words mean it is important to identify the meaning of the words, "to act justly" and "to love mercy". I believe that the words "act justly" mean that God wants us to defend the defenseless, stand up for those who are unable to stand up for themselves and require "justice" according to the laws of man. If I were to see someone or even know of an innocent, defenseless person being hurt by another, I believe that it is my God given duty to do what I can in my power to make sure that person is protected from the abuser. If through my actions, the abuser is forced to suffer consequences, I see that as the responsibility of the abuser and not of the victim or the defender. In its simplest form that would be justice. On the other hand, "to love mercy", doesn't preclude the thought of acting justly. To love mercy, doesn't meant that one should look the other way when an injustice is occurring. To love mercy should include forgiveness and not include revenge, but doesn't necessarily remove the price that has to be paid for the injustice that has occurred.

As I read your letter, it seemed to carry with it a familiar tune or responsibility shirking or to use a more familiar term, "buck passing." It sounded more like a man desperate to save his own reputation and financial status, than a contrite man desiring to accept responsibility for his past actions. Your words were about you and how you feel and how this has affected you. I don't see evidence in them that you have understood the wounds that you inflicted on innocent young lives. I don't see remorse or sorrow or suffering for the pain you caused us; only for what you have caused for yourself. (I don't remember being this determined.)

It has raised many questions in me and I would like to be able to ask them and have them answered by you. I don't know what the outcome of this current situation will be. I am not the only one involved in this. I am one of a group of many, many women who are slowly coming forward with their stories.

Each time I read another story I receive from a woman who was subjected to your abuse, my heart breaks. One person, who is also involved with this correspondence is Michele Connor. She spent many hours at Miyake and was a witness to much of the abuse that went on. She was the one person who, when I asked for help, protected me. Unlike me, who carries the scars of the abuse against only me, she carries the scars of many. We are surrounded by a tremendous group of support. In addition to the other victims, we have been in touch with both past and current ASIJ administrators and teachers. Together, and with others, we will proceed as we understand what the right thing is to do.

I have a list of questions, but before I list those I have two very important issues to address. The first one that stands alone for me is regarding the statement you made saying, "I remember you because, as in the case of my other improper behavior, I really liked you." The reason this statement alone made such an impact on me is because of a recollection I have from an experience I had with you. Before I share that experience, let me share with you the affect you had on me and others.

I don't think you realize the impact you had on us. The methods of manipulation that you used to convince us that you were on our side, you made us feel like we were important. You made us feel different. To use the words of another former ASIJ alumnus: "We all looked up to J, the only adult in the world who made us feel important, who played music for us, who sang to us, who took thousands of pictures of us, told jokes and made us laugh, teaching us to dive and to take part in important adult biological research. He taught us fish names and stuff about the ocean. We felt so adult, so knowledgeable. To this day I can name ocean currents other people can't." What is so sad about this is that every bit of that is tainted with the fact that you used your influence to abuse so many girls.

My experience is that even after I stopped allowing you to abuse me, I still had a strong desire to be accepted by you. We left Japan in 1973 for one year. When I returned in 1974, the first thing I did was find out when the boat that carried you from Miyake was to return to Tokyo Bay. It was right before school started. I went out to meet the boat. I was so excited to see you. You came off the boat, walked right past me. When I saw you and expressed excitement to see you, you all but ignored me. Your response was one of sheer dismissal. At that moment I realized that I was not important to you; that I was a "has been". You had moved on to other people. I had lost my favored status.

I can't tell you how devastating that was to a young girl, who couldn't even comprehend the implications of being molested by a beloved teacher for several years. This is one of many scars I have carried for so many years. So, when you stated that you really liked me, I really question that statement to be true. I was a broken toy to be disposed of. Can you please explain that to me?

The second issue is pertaining to your continued reference of suicide. I am no expert on suicide, however, I have had to deal with this issue with my daughter and a boy she was dating. This boy manipulated my daughter into believing that if she ever broke up with him that he would commit suicide. The reason that he was so convincing to her was that his father had actually not just "cried wolf" but had succeeded to commit suicide. While I'm sure this was the most traumatic abuse any child could suffer (that being the cowardly act of suicide of his father), this boy then used this to further manipulate my daughter into feeling obligated to him, otherwise, he would kill himself. In fact, he claimed to have "saved my daughter's life, twice", and thus according to him, she was "indebted" to him for life. When I finally uncovered the "hold" this boy had on my daughter, I sat him down and said to him these words: " What your father did to you and your family was the act of a coward. Someone needed to tell you this. If you chose to follow in your father's footsteps, that responsibility lies SOLELY on your hands, not on my daughter's. Using the tool of attempting suicide in one of the most powerful manipulations one can use. You will not be allowed to put my daughter through that. You will no longer have any contact with her."

I will say the same to you. Should you choose to use that manipulative tool with me, my response is that you need help and I can't help you. Should you choose to commit suicide, your family will suffer the most; however, no one will be responsible except you for that cowardly act. If you care as deeply for them as you say, then you will stand up like a man and take responsibility for your actions.

The rest of this letter is very long and very deliberate. You may see more of my anger come through because I am still very angry. I've had many questions for a long time that for what ever reason, I haven't been able to get them answered. I'd like for you to listen to my pain, understand my suffering and then explain to me the things that I have asked you to explain.

With regard to the rest of the questions, they are as follows:

1. Why did you suspect that I might have been the "one" who contacted ASIJ in 2000?

2. How have you "taken responsibility" for your actions?

3. Why do you suppose being divorced or dealing with grief from your mother's death would "cause" you to molest children? Many people suffer through divorce, death of much worse and do not resort to child abuse.

4. When did you leave ASIJ? Was it permanent? Did anyone from the administration confront you prior to 2000? When did they? Who was it? Why did you leave ASIJ? What is the time reference to your leaving ASIJ and your going to Santa Barbara?

5. When did you return to Japan? Did you return to ASIJ? Did you resume your work with the Miyake program? What was the school's involvement with that? What were the terms of the arrangement between you and ASIJ? What, if anything, happened in 1990 after the "70's" reunion in Long Beach when you were nominated "favorite teacher" and then the award was pulled from you?

6. The use of the word "improper" is incredibly benign in describing these relationships. Did you tell your psychologist in Santa Barbara that you were a child sexual predator and that you had sexually abused many girls? If so, why would she/he not suggest you contact us and deal with the issue at that time? Any competent psychologist would have advised you to : 1) admit your problem and face it, 2) make restitution to those whom you abused, 3) be willing to suffer the consequences of your actions and 4) immediately stop being in contact of any form with children. (Please remember that I did not have a "how to book" when I wrote this email.)

7. Are you still in touch with the psychologist in Santa Barbara? I'd like to get in touch with him/her with your request of release of information.

8. You say you lived alone after that not interacting with any children. What, if any, was ASIJ's involvement in this?

9. You also mentioned that you didn't have any involvement with children after the 1970's yet you married a young (17 year old?) girl when you were 59. I'm not sure I follow that explanation.

10. You say you would like to contact the women I've communicated with to apologize to them, however, you have never tried to contact me. My name, address and email have been listed on the ASIJ site for 30 years. So, why nhow do you desire to contact others when you haven't to this point contacted me?

11. Who are the two women you have contacted? I'd like to verify this information.

12. In addition, I have at least seven women I know who were sexually abused by you. What are the names of those girls you remember molesting?

13. You say you don't work with children, yet many pictures on the web sites show your involvement with children directly in the ocean or in the programs you say other teachers are leading. How can you prove to me that you are not involved with children anywhere? Why can't your "schools" exist without your physical involvement? Your word is tremendously lacking in credibility, how can I be certain that you are not currently molesting any child, including your own children?

14. What do you mean by a limited fixed income? Are you receiving any compensation from retirement from ASIJ? If not, why not? Most people have mortgages for their home and any other properties. Many people have debts that exceed $40,000. In fact, $40,000 is a very low figure in the modern world. I'm not sure how your desire or lack there of to work in the Philippines has anything to do with this. I'm not sure how your current financial obligations have anything to do with this as well. People, all the time sell their assets when they are unable to pay for them. I don't see your family going to jail because they can't pay the debt. I could see that the beach property that you own in your wife's name could be sold to pay the debt you own.

15. If you are happily married and care for your children, then why are you separated from then? All of us who grew up in Japan had a bi-cultural experience. Why shouldn't they live with you in Japan?

16. What exactly do you mean by "a large extent?' Your statement reads, and I quote, "Please, Janet, understand that I have dealt with the problem, and to a large extent, succeeded."

17. I have offered to help you and you have requested my help, however, how do I know that this is not another manipulation ploy to get me to succumb to your emotional plea? What concrete evidence do you have to prove that what you are saying is true?

18. Who contacted you in 2000? You mentioned that two ASIJ administrators contacted you. What are their names?

19. What prompted your seeing a psychologist in April of 2003? Who is it? I'd like to speak with him/her. Have you shared with this psychologist your proclivity to abusing children sexually? You say you haven't resumed your molestations? How do I know that?

20. I spoke to your wife and she expressed concern of how this will affect her and your children. I resent the fact that SHE has been put in this position. In my opinion, she is as much or more so one of your victims. She just happened to marry you. I am so very sad that she is suffering the consequences of this and that you put her into a position of not only having to suffer your consequences but to try and plead your case for you. Does she know the details of your "problem" in the 70's?

21. One of the other "girls" remembered a time when we all went with you to several inaugurations for a Japanese boat company. She remembers being approached by a Japanese man from this company. He made sexual advances to her and she was able to fend him off. When she questioned you about his, your response was, "Well, a man does have needs." What was your involvement in this? I remember several times when we went to things with Japanese men. Was there some sort of young girls sex ring?

22. Evidence that this has taken so long to actually "come out", proves that you were either very selective in those who you chose to abuse or that all of us, ASIJ, our parents, those of us who were abused, were too stupid or weak to recognize the situation as it was and to fact it, regardless of the outcome. How did you decide who you were going to chose?

J, I don't know what the outcome will be with all of this. I do know this, that if you truly have "turned to God", then you are definitely at His mercy. I cannot, however, determine how His mercy looks. I have forgiven you a long time ago. I am not convinced by your words, however, that you have proven to me, without any doubt, that no other child will be a victim in your hands. It is not my responsibility to prove that. That burden of proof falls in your hands. I only hope you will be able to succeed. It would be my recommendation that you take my letters to you psychologist and discuss with him/her what you might do next.

Day Forty-seven - Harder and harder

2009-11-01T13:57:00.000-08:00

It's getting harder and harder to continue writing. I'm not sure if it is lack of motivation or fear of going forward. It may be a little of both. As I re-read my last post ,I was reminded about a sermon our Associate Pastor preached when we lived in Nashville and attended Christ Presbyterian Church. His sermon was about defending the oppressed and how we are charged to help the poor and the widows and the orphans. During his sermon he was making a point and used the word "damn". Everyone exhaled and you could hear a collective gasp around the sanctuary. It was quite interesting, especially when he said, "I wonder how many of you are as shocked and distraught about defending the defenseless as you are about me using the word "damn" in a sermon." I think most everyone in that sanctuary that day wanted to crawl under the pews.

Along those same lines, I wonder how many of you are as "shocked" about the perverse abuse defenseless children face when under the spell of an abuser as you are about my use of the "f" word in my previous blog. Are we outraged at the use of a horribly descriptive word but don't react nearly as strongly when we hear about the descriptive act? When we turn our back on those who need us, we are admitting that we are not concerned with their circumstances, right?

On Friday, November 21, 2003, the email from Mr. J arrived in my inbox. This was one weekend before Thanksgiving. On Saturday, November 22, 2003, around 4:00 p.m. I replied.

Mr. J.

I received your email. I need some time to think about everything. I will respond later. Janet

I don't have documented exactly what happened next but must deduce from the emails that certain things happened. During that weekend, I had been reading in the living room early one morning, when I heard the phone ring. I went to answer it. No one else was awake. The person on the other end sounded like a foreigner but because of the strong Hispanic influx in the south I assumed it was someone local who dialed the wrong number. I really couldn't understand the person on the other end and thought nothing of it. When the phone rang a second time, not too much later than the first I thought differently. The person on the other end asked to speak to, what sounded like, Michele. I was a bit confused and slowly connected the dots when she quickly said, "Janet." I knew then that Mr. J's wife was on the other end. I don't remember much of our conversation. I'm sure I recounted it to Michele and maybe she has written documentation of my memory of our conversation, but I don't have that with me. (Michele is sending me the information she has but I have not yet received it.) I'm sure she called to ask for compassion and mercy. I must have been nice to her because of the email I received from Mr. J on Monday, November 24.

That call really caused a lot of concern, fear, questioning and uncertainty among other things. By now I'm really questioning everything. Wondering if I'm doing the right thing. One thing that happened during this process was that Michele and I balanced each other. Sometimes the balance was good and other times maybe not so good. When I got scared, she would carry me through. When she got scared I would carry her through. We really didn't know what we were doing. There isn't a "how to" book on how to confront your abuser. Trust me, I looked for one. So we did the best we could, helping each other along the way.

So, on Monday, November 24, 2003 I received the following email from Mr. J:

Dear Janet,

Thank you for your reply. (Posted above.) My wife told me that she talked to you. I appreciate your kindness to her. I want to add a couple of points that were not in my last letter.

I got my doctoral degree from Tokyo University in marine ecology in 1984, based on research I did at Miyake in the 1970's. I quit ASIJ immediately and attempted to build a new life. I had been deeply troubled by my life at ASIJ for reasons mentioned in my last letter. My new life was in marine science. But, I could not run away from myself. So, during a period at the University of California at Santa Barbara, unable to escape from myself, I attempted to kill myself. At that time, as I mentioned, I received psychological help from two psychologists. I really needed someone to share my life with. My trouble with kids was mixed up terribly with my almost hermit life style (studying marine fishes alone at Miyake all the time). To make a long story short, I found Mrs. J in the Philippines, we were married, and for the first time in my adult life I found fulfillment. We have two wonderful kids, and I am doing my best to be a good father and husband.

In 2000, the Miyake volcano erupted, and it is still erupting. I lost my house and my jobs, but I had developed a reputation in Japan as an expert on the ocean environment, and I have been able to find work. My name is well known, and lots of programs use my name, but I am merely a figurehead (I get money, which I need to pay for my kids education and my family's subsistence). I am leading a lonely life in Japan and they are in the Philippines. I think my children should have roots, and they will live in the Philippines after I die, so it is best that they get a good education there. The so-called "Mr. J Ocean School" is run by another person, with his own staff. I am his "partner", but it is an honorary position....but of course I receive payment for my participation in the schools, which is like I told you in the last letter.....formal...lectures, greetings, final words at departures. I had a heart attack six years ago, and I need a full 8 hours of sleep to control an irregular heart-beat, so I live in totally separate quarters from the programs and I have, as I said, no informal relationships with the students (in any of the programs.....adult, family or young people.)

I have tried to erase my past, and for periods of time I have been successful....thanks largely to the perfect marriage I have. Your contact with ASIJ in 2000 forced me to face my past again. It has not been easy, and I began seeing a psychologist again in April of this year.... not due to a sick kind of dependency on children, as I did in your era, because that is all behind me, but due to a shame and a self-hate that I just cannot shake off.. Your letter last Saturday, brought the me of the 1970's back to me, again, very vividly.

As you think things over, please trust and believe that I have really changed from the confused, messed-up individual you knew. I am attempting to give my family a good life after I die. I greatly regret what happened. The people I harmed were kids I had a great, but, under the circumstances, unhealthy affection for.....the last people I wanted to hurt. I was not a cold, plotting predator, I was a very troubled, very messed up individual. I realized that and quit ASIJ. I have received and am receiving help. I pray that you will understand that I am no longer a threat to anyone and that I feel extreme pain over the person who I was and over what I did in those days.

I ask you to allow me to continue my work.... not for my sake, but for the sake of my precious wife and children.

Please, Janet. I have accepted God, and I am at His mercy, as well as yours. Please allow me to finish my life in a way that will not hurt others. My wife faces legal problems related to loans, as I said, if I am not around to pay them, and my kids will be thrown into Philippine poverty. Please forgive me for what I did, and trust in God and in my word that I am far removed from that world today.

I pray for your forgiveness.

This email came on the Monday before the Thanksgiving holidays.

Day Forty-six

2009-10-29T20:11:00.000-07:00

So, are you feeling a little sympathetic? Compassionate? Are you feeling forgiveness? Excusing? He didn't really mean to hurt us. He really didn't mean to abuse us. He was just........really screwed up. He didn't know what to do with girls he liked. I know how you are feeling because I felt the same way. At this point I wasn't sure about anything. Earth to Janet........Ok, HE WAS FORTY YEARS OLD!!!!

Since when did eleven, twelve and thirteen year old children have to bear the burden of relieving the emotional pain of a forty year old? How many of you have excused the behavior of a serial killer because of the mental anguish they experienced as a child? How many of you were disgusted and outraged at Michael Vick when he was convicted of dog fighting? Do you not have the same outrage when a child is being molested by an adult? Oh, maybe the word molested isn't strong enough, what about f..ked? I use that graphic term because I don't think that people see it that way. They see innocent Uncle Dan who tried to put his hand under my shirt one time......... Or Aunt Bessie who just hugged me a little bit too long. They don't see a man who was esteemed, taking advantage of young vulnerable girls by luring them into his den and securing an emotional advantage over them.

You may feel more compassion for him as you read on. I hope you will be able to see the manipulation Mr. J used even till the end. One person asked me, "Do you think he was sincere?" Another asked, "Is this what you hoped for?"

I struggle with both of those questions. I struggled with his reply. I struggled with his sincerity. I didn't know if this was what I hoped for. I really wasn't sure about anything. I was still very scared and didn't know how to respond.

Day Forty-Five - Email in my Inbox

2009-10-28T13:55:00.001-07:00

November 12, 2003 - Letter sent to Mr. J via ASIJ

Nine days after I sent the letter to Mr. J via ASIJ, I received an email in my mailbox. Since I didn't know how the response would come, or even if I would get a response, you can imagine the fear, anticipation, and apprehension I experienced while I stared at my inbox seeing a return address with his name on it. I didn't know what to expect. Sort of what you might be feeling right now.

Following is the email I received on Friday, November 21, 2003, one week before Thanksgiving.

Dear Janet,

Your letter arrived via the American School today. I have been more or less expecting it ever since 2000, and I suspected that you might be the one who had contacted ASIJ.

I do take responsibility and I have, since the early 1980's taken responsibility for my inexcusable actions of the 1970's. I deeply, sorrowfully and shamefully apologize to you. You said that you often wonder if I even remember you. I remember with immense grief those trip with you steering the car while sitting on my lap. I remember you because, as in the cases of my other improper behavior, I really liked you. I was a very, very, very messed up, psychologically disturbed individual.....for a rather lengthy period after my divorce and mother's death.

In 1984, and again in 1985, I attempted to kill myself, nearly succeeding in 1985, after which I spent a period of time in a mental hospital in Santa Barbara. After I was released from the hospital, I sought help from a psychologist in Santa Barbara for a couple of months. I received considerable help from him, especially concerning my own self-image, which was an important first step in solving my problem with improper relationships with kids I especially liked.

I live alone, still working with the ASIJ Miyake program (but, as any and all participants will confirm, living in a totally separate house and not interacting with the kids by myself.)

My problem with kids was under control, but my loneliness was not. I married in 1987 to a wonderful Philippine woman from severe poverty. We have now been married 17 years. We have two precious children, and I am living a normal life, totally lacking any indecent interactions with children for more than 20 years. It is a terrible thing of my past.

You have told me that you have been in contact with several women who were abused by me. I would very much like to contact them and apologize for any misconduct I was engaged in. I have contacted two women myself.... since 2000.... and apologized. I have sought help and I am confident that I am of absolutely no danger to any child or anyone else.

Your information about me currently, "working with children", is only partly accurate. I am a consultant, administrator and adviser to ocean environmental programs that work with children. I often give lectures at schools and other children ocean education groups, but I do not live with the children or interact with the children by myself. The so called, "Mr. J Ocean Schools" use my name, and include people from age 60 to elementary school. My summer schools are run by a staff of good teachers, and I do not take part in the teaching except as I said, to lecture about the ocean. I do not even know the kids names or remember their faces. And I live in totally different accommodations.... not with the kids, as in the old ASIJ program.

I have only a limited fixed income and this current address in an NPO where I serve as president ( a non-profit organization with nothing to do with kids. ) I need my schools for the survival of my family. I live alone at the edge of poverty in Japan and send all the money I can earn to my wife to help build a future for her and our children. Her house and property have been largely completed with loans, and I am currently more than $40,000 in debt. I never had any desire to "make a living" in the Philippines, so everything is in my wife's name.

If I give up my work, if I go to jail, if I even am accused publicly of the crimes I committed in the 1970's, it is my wife and children who will suffer the most. My wife will be held responsible for the loans and could go to jail herself..... but it isn't her fault. I agreed to pay her loans to help her build the rest her life after I die. She and my kids need me now. I am certainly not happy, living alone, giving lectures on the ocean environment, and not even having enough money to enjoy and evening out. I don't want your pity. I want your understanding.

I made serious mistakes in the 1970's, since then I have been trying to live a life that people respect, and people in Japan do, in fact, respect me. Please, Janet, understand that I have dealt with the problem, and to a large extent, succeeded. Let me go on supporting my family through my education programs. I swear that no child is in any danger from me!

I request your help. I want to know how to contact the women you mentioned. I will sincerely and deeply apologize to them for my past behavior. But, believe me, Janet, please, please believe me. That is in my past. I am still living with it, and since the discussion with two ASIJ administrators in 2000, I have suffered again, deeply. Since April, I have been seeing a psychologist here in Japan, and it has helped...but I feel great guilt and shame for my behavior during the 1970's.

Concerning your request that I come forward and seek help.... I have and am currently undergoing help, and will continue to do so. I do not have a problem with pedophilia at this stage of my life. I have a problem with who I am...my own self image...and with guilt over what I did in the 1970's. Secondly, I will contact everybody I can contact who has had an improper relationship with me and apologize....sincerely, I would appreciate your help by supplying addresses, etc. I will send you copies of the letters.

But, I beg you to allow me to continue my educational work. I swear in front of Jesus that I do not have direct contact alone with kids and am absolutely no threat to anyone. Also, I swear again in from of Jesus that, through many years of grief and guilt, with the help of three different psychologists (two in California, one in Japan), I have come to understand the problem I had and to defeat it. But, I need the education work to save my wife and family. She is the one legally responsible for the loans in the Philippines, but she has no education, no income and in no way can pay the debts. I need the work to get my family safe and sound before I die (and I am 74, so I am running out of time.) Please trust me.

You asked me to receive help to stop abusing children. I have not done anything improper with a child in more than 20 years, and I deeply regret what I did do, during a terrible psychologically disturbed period of my life.

Please forgive me, Janet, but please allow me to continue my work. I am never alone with kids, like I was in the 1970's, and I have no desire to be alone with them. I am mentally OK, in that respect, now. My problems now are to come to terms with myself and, as you suggest, with the people to whom I have caused suffering. I ask your help and understanding.

I will be going to the Philippines to spend Christmas with my family, leaving here on December 11th and returning on December 30th. I beg you to trust me and recognize that I am no longer a threat to anybody. Please allow me to continue my work, or I cannot support my family. What I did in the past is not their fault. Please let me continue to make a living. No children are in any danger whatsoever from me at this stage of my life, and none have been since the 1970's.

Please send me the list of people whom you mentioned. I will send you copies of the letters I write to them. You can contact me here at this e-mail, but other people have access to this computer. My home address is: _________________________ My telephone number is _______________, but I hate my life alone in that six mat room, so I am only home late at night. I stay in this office when I am not giving lectures. My schools are limited to the warm season...many of them are government organized and run. Janet.....please let me continue those schools....for the sake of my wife and kids. I am certainly not happy with my life as it is now, but I cannot let my family fall into poverty in the Philippines, Please Janet!!

Your letter was necessary, and I thank you for it. It is necessary to deal with this problem once and for all.

With my sincere apologies!

OWS Mr. J

Day Forty-Four - Back home again

2009-10-27T04:55:00.000-07:00

When I arrived back home my husband greeted me with a bouquet of beautiful dark pink colored miniature roses and a nice bottle of Liberty School Cabernet. What a wonderful and nice surprise. Wow!!

Day Forty-Four - Another story

2009-10-26T18:12:00.000-07:00

So we waited.......... In the meantime..........

How has it felt to wait to see what happened? Maybe, you were able to experience some of the anticipation we had. But again, in the meantime....

I mentioned in one of my previous posts that a new person - another one of Mr. J's "subjects" - "victims" (I hate that word) - another abused - has surfaced. A person who I didn't know about until a couple of weeks ago. This person just reconnected to past friends from ASIJ via Facebook. Her friends were sharing notes and reminiscing about ASIJ when one of her classmates sent a link to an article about Mr. J.

She was taken aback and asked about it and the classmate suggested she get in touch with me. So, I got a random email from this person, who I vaguely remember, asking me to contact her. Subsequently, I called her and we talked for a while. I asked her if I could share her story and she said yes. Evidently, until just three weeks ago in 2009, she thought she was the only one. She carried this burden for 35 years. She never shared it with anyone else. There was a reason....

October 19

Hi Janet, Thanks so much for responding. I got your messages. I would like to call you. I can't believe this is going to come out of my mouth after 35 years. The main thing is to finally understand that it wasn't my fault.

I called her and we talked at length. She had been invited to Miyake by Mr. J after completing the Scuba Diving class he instructed at ASIJ. She had completed the course and needed to do her dive to become certified. Mr. J invited her to Miyake several times but her mother wouldn't let her go by herself. Thank GOD - someone had some sense. But after a while several girls got together and finally she was able to go. On the way to the island on the overnight trip on the boat, Mr. J used the quiet and dark opportunity to seduce her. I use the word seduce because that's what he did to a vulnerable, needy child.

He proceeded to molest her on the boat, however, during this time one of the other girls woke up and observed the molestation. Mr. J realized what had happened and subsequently chose to act as if it didn't happen and ignored her from that point on. Then, the girl who observed the act shared this with the rest of the girls and accused her of, "sleeping with Mr. J." So, this young early teenager experienced an enormous extreme of emotion from the onset to the end of that weekend. As I talked to her she shared that because of other issues with her family dynamics she was craving affection. So, when Mr. J treated her affectionately she was desperately in need of affection. She experienced someone who cared about her, who gave her the much needed and required affection she desperately needed. Of course, she didn't realize in her young thirteen year old self that this was wrong. But what happened next was excruciatingly harmful. He completely ignored her. So here she went from being a "chosen" one to a "abandoned" one in less than six hours. Then to top it off, her friend accused her of "sleeping" with the teacher. So during less than 24 hours she received the affection she so desperately craved and the shame she so intensely repelled. And now she's been carrying this burden for 35 years, thinking it was her fault.

Janet Calcote Simmons October 21 at 1:37am

I'm so glad we were able to talk yesterday. As I write my story there are a lot of things I begin remembering that don't necessarily embrace my mind on a daily basis. I would encourage you to start writing your own story if you haven't already done so. It's amazing how therapeutic it is. For a long time, I resisted writing. I don't know if I was scared or if I just didn't want to take the time, but now that I have it really has made a difference to me.

I'm going out of town for several days and don't know how much I will be able to write but will be back on Monday. Stay in touch.

October 23 at 11:10pm

Hi Janet. Hope you had a great weekend.

I'm glad we spoke on Monday. There are many implications to finding out I wasn't the only one. They are all important to my recovery. Since he did this to so many girls, I am finally convinced that it wasn't my fault and I didn't cause it.

I was not special or unique. There was no personal connection. There is objective separation here between the predator with his established MO and the victims who were in fact invisible to the narcissist. It has become objectively easy now to identify him as a monster, a predator, a pedophile.

Abused children have a tendency to identify with the perpetrator. Objective separation was always very difficult for me. I have it now, thanks to you coming forward.

About 12 years ago a man who I knew socially was convicted of having sex with a high school girl. He was her karate teacher and also coached a sport. I knew him as the friend of cop I had been seeing. We played backgammon and hung out with the same people.

When I found out about Randy's conviction, I felt NOTHING for the girl. I had seen them together. She was tall and awkward and clung to Randy's shadow. I did not care that he was violating her trust, that he had become her whole world.

At the time, Janet, I KNEW there was something wrong with me for identifying with the perp instead of the victim. Now I know. I still blamed myself for the Mr. J incident. Somewhere in my abused brain I believed that if I had just been "cooler" at the time, he would have continued to pay attention to me. It has helped me immensely to find out I meant nothing to him and that I could not possibly have meant anything. He was a sociopathic, narcissistic pedophile. I was a statistic. End of story.

One other memory came back. Remember I said that my mother would not allow me to go on the scuba trip until there were a bunch of kids? Well, I remembered that she actually called him and asked questions, trying to make sure I would be safe. I'm surprised now that he took the risk he did on the boat.

My friend told me that when you went public and they were discussing Mr. J that one of my classmates had an especially hard time believing the truth. Another friend who is very level-headed thought at the time that something was not right with him.

Janet, I would have done anything for anyone who paid attention to me. That's who I was and it wasn't my fault that I got that way.

This was supposed to be a brief note just to say hi. Thanks for listening.

October 26, 2009: Janet responds:

So, when I get responses like this I know that what I'm doing it right. Writing my story is right. Read on.............................

Day Forty-three JBM - Reunion

2009-10-21T22:07:00.000-07:00

Every year the Southern Baptist Missionaries from Japan get together and have a reunion. About twenty years ago, I started joining them. As time went by, more and more MK's started coming and we have made this a tradition in our lives.

Tomorrow, we all gather again, to re-unite. We have some coming from California, Virginia, North Carolina, Texas, New Mexico, Tenessee, South Carolina, North Carolina, Mississippi, Louisiana and many other places. Often it reminds me of the movie, Same Time Next Year with Allen Alda and Susan Sarandon.

We'll be together from Thursday until Sunday and then on Sunday evening, my two sisters and I will stay together to rest and debrief about the weekend. I look forward to the reunion with my non-blood cousins. Although, often I feel closer to them that any of my blood cousins.

So, while we all wait........... I'll be reunioning.

Day Forty-two Fire flies

2009-10-20T22:27:00.000-07:00

What happened to lightning bugs? or Fire Flies?

When I was growing up we used to catch fire flies. They would light up the late summer sky and give us a way to where ever we were going. We would capture them in a jar and release them in the morning. I don't see fire flies much any more. I wonder why the environmentalist don't worry about fire flies. They seem to be creatures lost in the eco structure.

I watched a movie tonight called Hounddog. I've never seen it before. It's about an eleven or twelve year old girl, growing up during the 60's, during Elvis's era, her life without a mother, a father who was absent and grandmother who thought sin abound.

She loved Elvis. She loved to sing and she wanted to be noticed. Her father was often gone and when home brought home different women. One day while he was home he got struck by lightening and LouEllen (named after her dad and mother) had to take care of him.

Her best friend was a young boy who she taught how to swim. He introduced her to an older guy who ended up raping her after bribing her with a ticket to an Elvis concert. He wanted to see her sing "Hounddog" but insisted on her doing it without any clothes on. They were in a barn, no one else was around and he proceeded to rape her after she sang the song. She was only twelve.

Although the movie was set in a different place and a different setting than my life, I could relate to her to some degree. She was alone, left to her own thoughts, she loved Elvis and his music and she basically took care of herself.

Many children are left to take care of themselves. Look at the many children who are in poverty, who grow up without fathers. Who are born of children themselves. Many of the people I work with on a daily basis are babies raising babies. There are many true stories that are much more horrific than mine.

To be sure, I was not alone. My parents loved me, although at the time they didn't know they were leaving me to be subject to an abuser. And because I knew they loved me and because I wasn't abused by them, I believe I was able to get beyond the things I experienced. Once I was able to get beyond that, I was able live life to its fullest. "You always gotta make good of what can poison you."

Oh well, I'm tired and so weary
But I must go alone
Till the lord comes and calls, calls me away, oh yes
Well the morning's so bright
And the lamp is alight
And the night, night is as black as the sea, oh yes

There will be peace in the valley for me, some day
There will be peace in the valley for me, oh Lord I pray
There'll be no sadness, no sorrow
No trouble, trouble I see
There will be peace in the valley for me, for me

Well the bear will be gentle
And the wolves will be tame
And the lion shall lay down by the lamb, oh yes
And the beasts from the wild
Shall be lit by a child
And I'll be changed, changed from this creature that I am, oh yes

There will be peace in the valley for me, some day
There will be peace in the valley for me, oh Lord I pray
There'll be no sadness, no sorrow
No trouble, trouble I see
There will be peace in the valley for me, for me

And we waited............

Day Forty-one - Waiting

2009-10-19T17:28:00.000-07:00

As we waited for a response we still received emails and communications from different people. I remember receiving a call from a friend of mine who I was really close to during my seventh and eighth grade years but her family left to go on furlough our ninth grade year and my family went on our sophomore year and we ended up growing apart. Evidently, she was probably being abused the same time as me but we didn't even know it. Then, when she returned back to Japan after furlough her family moved about two hours away from ASIJ so Mr. J. convinced her parents to let her live with him.

During her high school years, she lived with Mr. J in Mitaka and he basically treated her as his wife. I can't believe her parents allowed their daughter to live with a teacher 30 years her senior and didn't suspect a thing. When I talked to her in 2003 she was ready to go to Japan with Michele and me. She was furious. He had been in touch with her later, trying to convince her to come back to Japan and actually marry him. I found out that he did that with several different people. At the time, she shared with me that she was still struggling with relationships because of him. Does that surprise you?

Also, while we waited, we heard from people who were furious with us. Why are you doing this? I don't believe you. You are lying. If he was going to choose anyone it would have been me. And on and on we heard denial and accusations. One of the reason why people who have been abused have such a hard time coming out is because of fear of rejection. Well, we got our share, trust me. But we also got our share of affirmation and encouragement. Our determination and support from each other and others really helped us continue to make sure he would not work with children anymore.

Still waiting.........

I talked to someone today........she was another....... never told anyone....... really don't know how many.....before today, no one knew.

Day Forty -

2009-10-18T20:42:00.001-07:00

So we waited.

Day Thirty-nine Letter to Mr. J - Really scary!!

2009-10-16T21:38:00.000-07:00

After much evaluation, communication, fear, questioning, and concern, I decided to contact Mr. J. We didn't really know which way to do go. We really didn't know how to reach him. We didn't have an address, only a website. After contacting ASIJ and asking them if they would give us his address and they refused, it became more disconcerting. We finally got ASIJ to agree to deliver a letter sent to him via them. So I proceeded to write the following letter. (Again there may be repetition, so please bear with me.)

On November 12, 2003 I sent the following letter to Mr. J via ASIJ,

Dear Mr. J,

It is with deep sorrow and pain that I write this letter that I should have written many, many years ago. It has been approximately 33 years when we first met. I was a young eleven year old seventh grader and you were a teacher whom I looked up to. Not only did I look up to you but you made me fell special and important, especially in my vulnerable stage of moving, again, to a new school and trying to fit in during the awkwardness of adolescence.

After many years of reflection I have come to the understanding that you saw my vulnerable state and my need to be accepted by my peers as an advantage to you. It was this weakness that you used to your benefit to begin sexually abusing me for several years, beginning in 1970. I've often wondered if you even would remember me and the many others who were under your spell. We do remember.

I have put this abuse out of my mind off and on for many years. In 1990, I informally contacted ASIJ and in the year 2000 I formally contacted them. I suppose my letter is the one that caused your total divorce from ASIJ. I was hoping at that point that you had moved on and retired. However, much to my disappointment, I find that this is not true.

It has come to my attention, during the past several months, that you are once again working in Japan and more importantly working with children. It saddens me deeply that you have chosen to continue to work with unsuspecting kids. It also saddens me deeply, that because of the neglect of those in the past to protect me and others, that I have to do whatever is in my power to protect any child who is currently in harms way. This should have been taken care of long ago.

I want you to know that in my heart of hearts, I have forgiven you for the abuse you subjected me to. My faith in God and his provision of his Son on the cross has enabled me to see that you are in deep need of a Savior. My hope is that during this time, God will grab you and you will be able to see this need and fall flat on your face in front of Christ, the only one who can save you.

It is my hope that you will decided to come forward and take responsibility of your past actions. It is vital that you immediately cease working with children. It is also critical that you admit to your pedophilia and seek help. Part of that admission would require contacting all of your former victims to see forgiveness from them. I have recently been in contact with several women who were abused by you. If you would like I will help you contact them.

However, if you choose not to come to terms with this problem, I will proceed as necessary. I have once again been in contact with ASIJ and its administration. I have informed them of my intentions. I have sought legal advice and am proceeding as recommended. I will contact the local authorities along with all those involved with your work. It will be necessary to contact your wife and young children along with your adult son. If necessary, we will begin to contact the American Embassy along with the FBI.

For your own welfare, you need to come forward to seek help. I'm sure there are many organizations that can help you stop sexually abusing children. As I said before, I will help you find help. This letter is dated November 12, 2003. If I have not heard back from by December 13, 2003 I will proceed as stated.

You may contact me though email at janet@calcote.com . Or you may call me at 225-555-5555. I hope and pray that you will do the right thing. I will keep you in my prayers.

With deepest regrets,

Janet Calcote
Simmons

As I wrote this letter, between the two of us (Michele and me), we really didn't know what we were asking or expecting from Mr. J. As I re-read this letter I realize now that maybe asking him to contact all of those he abused wasn't fair to those who he did abuse. Possibly, there were those out there who didn't want to face it or be contacted by him. As in the case of Theo Fluery, it took several years - if not a decade after his abuser was convicted for him to come out and share his experience. But, in our defense, since this topic was rarely discussed, we didn't know what we were doing. In fact, I went to the library trying to find a book that would help me navigate this part of the process and found nothing. The only book I found helpful was a book written by a psychiatrist who studied the behavior of pedophiles. I have reference to that book in my file but I'm not where I can access the file so I'll reference it later.
I also don't know what I was thinking when I wrote that I would get in touch with his children. I assume that during that time, I was grasping at straws, not knowing what I should do or how I could protect them. So when you read this, please keep my frame of mind at the time in your thoughts as well.

As you can imagine, it was really scary waiting to see if we would hear from him. The letter more than likely took about a week to get to ASIJ. Then, once it arrived there, they had to forward it to him, which I imagine that took another week. So we waited from November 12, 2003 until...................

More Fleury

2009-10-15T21:31:00.001-07:00

CALGARY — There are nine people pictured in the front row of the Moose Jaw Warriors' official 1984-85 team photograph, but only eight are named.

Theoren Fleury doesn't need anyone to tell him the identity of the man sandwiched between assistant coach Cam Ftoma and captain Mark MacKay, who is referred to simply as 'coach.'

But he'd sure like to know whether some of the other people in the photograph, from the trainer to the assistant coach, knew the truth about Graham James, the coach Fleury claims sexually molested him from the age of 14.

"I will always ask myself, did our trainer Stan Szumiak know? Or the assistant coach, Cam Ftoma? He says he was shocked when he found out. How about the director of marketing, Bill Harris — did he suspect anything? I dunno," says Fleury in his tell-all book, Playing With Fire.

"One thing I know is that I was a naive 16-year-old kid living away from home, and they were all grown men, and not one of them came to me and said, 'Kid, is there anything you would like to tell me?' "

Ftoma, who now works as a mortgage specialist in Winnipeg, told the Herald he doesn't want to talk about James.

"I just don't want to go down that road again. Theoren and I have discussed it," he said. "Nobody knew other than obviously what was happening back then."

Bill Harris, who now owns a financial services firm in Moose Jaw, is on a business trip overseas and didn't return calls. Szumiak couldn't be reached for comment.

Barry Trapp, the general manager of that 1984 team, decided to force out James when he became suspicious of his coach's relationships with some of his players, a move that made him extremely unpopular in Moose Jaw. James' power and influence was such, said Trapp, that it's entirely possible no one else suspected anything.

"When I was in Moose Jaw I never heard it come up. I was the first one that raised the flag," said Trapp. "If anybody was aware of it in or had suspicions, nobody came to me and told me."

Trapp said although he's happy he voiced concerns about James, he wishes things had worked out differently.

"I sent Theo an e-mail yesterday," said Trapp. "I always had an open-door policy with my players. I wish he'd come to me and we could have nipped it in the bud right there and then.

"Other people probably had suspicions but nobody wanted to come out. (James) could have run for mayor. He was a media darling. He had people just completely fooled."

One of Fleury's teammates that season was Kent Hayes, who didn't question James' conduct at the time.

"Away from the rink, he didn't really have a whole lot to do with the older players. Maybe in hindsight now, 25 years later, obviously there's maybe some reasons why," said Hayes, who came to Moose Jaw as a 19-year-old and today owns a construction business in Calgary.

"Did I think he was maybe a bit of a different character? Well, maybe. When all of the Sheldon Kennedy stuff came out (revelations of sexual abuse at the hands of James) you could say, well yeah, maybe he did hang out in the dressing room more than most. To be honest it was a shock to me, what was going on."

In his book, Fleury also questioned why the league didn't investigate any suspicions surrounding James.

"Dev Dley, who was the commissioner of the Western Hockey League, is quoted as saying that no one filed an official complaint, so the league didn't investigate," wrote Fleury. "Uh-huh. If the league indeed really knew of the suspicions about Moose Jaw, I find it incredible that without an official complaint it would simply turn a blind eye."

Dley, who was appointed to the bench of the British Columbia Provincial Court in Kamloops in 2008, declined to comment.

Moose Jaw Mayor Dale McBain hopes his community can move on from the James scandal.

"A number of years ago there was the Sheldon Kennedy revelation about Graham James. I guess there was a ripple through the community then and I imagine it will be the same thing again with the Fleury revelation," he said.

Day Thirty-eight - James Kennedy

2009-10-15T21:14:00.000-07:00

The Sheldon Kennedy/Graham James Case:
Sexual Abuse in Canadian Junior Hockey

Sheldon Kennedy was coached by Graham James, a highly respected and nationally famous coach, as a junior-level hockey player in Winnipeg, and then during the late 1980s on the Swift Current Broncos of Canada's Western Hockey League. Between the ages of 14 and 19, Kennedy was sexually abused by James. The abuse went on, twice weekly, between 1984 and 1990.

"Kennedy testified he was first abused when he received permission from his parents to spend the weekend at James' house to discuss his future in hockey." (Knight-Ridder, 1/9/97)

"Kennedy has said that James sexually assaulted him more than 350 times, beginning when Kennedy was 14. He said he was assaulted while playing on several clubs with which James had an affiliation." (Knight-Ridder Newspapers, 1/9/97)

Kennedy said: "The coach is so respected. Your parents send you away and say, 'Do what he says.' At that age, you listen. That's your first step if you want to play pro." (Ottawa Citizen, 1/9/97)

"Kennedy describes his life as a lonely, living hell. He was sexually abused as a teen by Graham James, his coach and "father figure," who controlled his hockey career and his daily life from the time he was 14 to 19. Kennedy found he was unable to make friends. Unable to trust and unable to love. Unable to feel "normal" unless he was drinking. Unable to turn a junior career into a solid National Hockey League career. Suicidal at times because inner turmoil haunted him. "You feel people are looking at you. I put up a shield. I didn't let anybody in. It's a very lonely way to feel. You never feel normal. You know something is wrong but you don't know why it is like that,' Kennedy said." (Calgary Herald, 1/7/97)

A friend of Kennedy's said: "The coach is a godlike figure -- he holds all the cards. I guess in a situation like [Kennedy's] a kid can go home, but that is the end of your hockey career. That is the problem. There is no way to turn." (Washington Post, 1/8/97)

"He was 14 or 15 and James was 31 or 32 when the assaults began. Every Tuesday and Thursday for six years, Kennedy went to James' house. Kennedy said, 'He considered me his wife. There was absolutely nowhere for me to turn. I had no one, nobody.'" (Los Angeles Times, 1/7/97)

"When Kennedy was 15 he told James a lie - that he had been abused by a teacher - in the hopes that James would stop the molestation. 'He didn't even blink an eye,' said Kennedy. 'He kept me with him all the time. It was like we were married. It was unbelievable.'" (Calgary Herald, 1/7/97)

"Kennedy said if James was fired from one team and started coaching another he would 'keep trading for me.'" (Toronto Sun, 5/9/97)

"'You do not have a clue what to do," Kennedy said. "You tell your mom and she makes you come home. You tell your friends and they will just portray you as a gay guy. It is just a very scary thing.'" (Detroit News, 1/7/97)

"Kennedy...said he considered suicide several times." (Tampa Tribune, 1/11/97)

Eventually, Kennedy left the Broncos and began playing for the Calgary Flames, and later the Boston Bruins.

Circa 1995, Kennedy finally told his wife about the abuse. "Many in hockey -- including his Bruins teammates -- knew of his situation but kept quiet at Kennedy's request until he felt comfortable talking about the subject. 'It's difficult to discuss with anybody," Kennedy said. "It was difficult to discuss with my mom, dad, sister and brother. I went 13 years without discussing it with anybody.'" (Knight-Ridder, 1/9/97)

Kennedy came forward on Sept. 3, 1996, taking his complaints of sexual abuse by James to Calgary city police.

In January 1997, Graham James was sentenced to 3 1/2 years in prison for sexually assaulting Kennedy and another unidentified player.

Sheldon Kennedy went public with his story after the sentencing.

"James pleaded guilty to the offences and admitted in a statement read to the court that; 'I offer no excuses. I blame nobody but myself. I was selfish.' But he added: "I am truly sorry that this happened.'" (Calgary Herald, 1/7/97)

James also later recounted, in an interview with the Ottawa Citizen, that he felt surprised and betrayed by Kennedy's coming forward. "Did I expect Sheldon Kennedy to do this? Absolutely not. Sheldon and I were close...He legitimately cared. Not about (the sex), obviously. He cared. He knew I was lonely, and you know, that sort of registered as desperation. He cared enough to put up with limited things...I didn't think, at the time, that this was something that was bothering Sheldon. It wasn't that Sheldon was gay -- he's not gay. It wasn't that he enjoyed it -- he didn't. Maybe I'm just trying to legitimize things myself, but at no time did I think it was a major thing for him." (Ottawa Citizen, 1/8/97)

Kennedy: "I feel like I am 10 months old inside a 27-year-old body. You are learning to live again. You are learning to have friends. You have to learn to love and relax. ... I can't remember the last time I relaxed totally." (Tampa Tribune, 1/7/97)

In 1998, Kennedy enrolled in a substance-abuse program sponsored by the NHL, for continuing drinking and drug problems.

In January 1999, an unidentified hockey player, who also played on the Swift Current Broncos under Graham James, filed a $650,000 lawsuit against 24 individuals and organizations who allegedly knew, or should have known, that James sexually assaulted some of his players, including him. Among the groups sued were the Western Hockey League and its parent group, the Canadian Hockey League, as well as the Swift Current Broncos and the Sasketchewan Amateur Hockey Association. (Atlanta Journal-Constitution, 1/17/99)

Top

Day Thirty-eight - Theo Fluery - New Article Two

2009-10-15T19:28:00.000-07:00

Fleury: 'I bought a gun and decided to blow my brains out'
Former Flames star recalls contemplating suicide in his tell-all book
Calgary HeraldOctober 13, 2009Comments (18)
StoryPhotos ( 1 )
Theoren Fleury announced his retirement from hockey on Monday, Sept, 28, 2009. His new book, Playing with Fire, tells the story of his life and struggles.Photograph by: Lorraine Hjalte, Calgary HeraldCALGARY - Six years after Graham James was jailed for sexually abusing two young hockey players, former Calgary Flames star Theoren Fleury jammed a loaded gun into his mouth and decided to end his life, according to new revelations in his book, which goes on sale today.

The troubled winger, who claims James molested him from the age of 14, had been suspended by the National Hockey League for violating the substance abuse program and figured he was done with hockey.

In Playing With Fire, the book he co-wrote with local author Kirstie McLellan-Day, Fleury describes how guilt, shame and his addiction to drugs and alcohol brought him to his lowest point.

"I went hard at it for three months. Just mounds of coke and lemon Stoli and strangers who followed me home from strip clubs. I basically stopped eating and sleeping. I wanted to die, but my body was too resilient. Finally, I bought a gun from a pawnshop and decided to blow my brains out. I was 36 years old," writes Fleury.

". . . I grabbed the bullet, loaded the gun and jammed it in my mouth. I don't know--maybe if I'd had it ready and didn't have to take the time to put the bullet in the chamber, I might have gone through with it. But once the barrel was rattling off my teeth and my finger was on the trigger, I'd cooled off just enough to hesitate.

"It's not as if I'd felt this sudden urge to live. I still felt like shit and wished I were dead. I think that's why, after I ran outside and chucked the gun into the desert, I was screaming at the universe like a madman. But it was the easy way out, and I had never taken the easy way out. Besides, killing myself was just too scary."

Fleury returned to the Flames this fall to launch a comeback bid at the age of 41.

Sober for four years and in great shape, the winger didn't make the team and eventually retired as a Flame. But it was the latest chapter in Fleury's roller-coaster life, which took another dramatic turn last week when excerpts of his new book revealed claims he was sexually molested by James, who was convicted in 1997 of assaulting two of his former players.

Other excerpts from the tell-all book, published by HarperCollins, reveal that: - Fleury was just "trying to survive" when he was part of the group that brought James to Calgary to coach the Hitmen of the Western Hockey League. "We were doing what we'd been taught to do in hockey since we were 11, listen to the coach and shut up." - James was devastated when he was fired by the Hitmen. "It was a heavy scene. Graham cried a lot. He told (Hitmen part-owner) Chuck (Matson) he loved hockey and his players. He said the game was all he had in life and he couldn't figure out why people were taking it away from him . . . Believe it or not, there were parents who hated Chuck for that decision. Hated him!" - Fleury believes he is one of many players James assaulted. "I can tell you this: Sheldon and I are not the only ones Graham messed with. I'm quite sure there are others, probably many, who are still not ready to talk." - James called Fleury after Kennedy went public with his story. "I said, 'You know what, man?Don't ever call me again. I'm glad it's finally over. You deserve everything that you are getting. Have fun in jail.' " - Fleury hopes his story will encourage victims of abuse to come forward. "If you are a kid who was in the situation I was in, and somebody older is using you for sex, call for help. You can call the police or you can search kids' help lines on the Internet. Seriously, you are not alone. Pick up the phone."

© Copyright (c) The Calgary Herald
E-mail this ArticlePrint this ArticleShare this Article

Day Thirty-eight - Theo Fluery - New Article One

2009-10-15T19:19:00.000-07:00

Fleury to file complaint against former coach
By George Johnson, Calgary HeraldOctober 13, 2009Comments (40)
StoryPhotos ( 2 )
More Images » Theoren Fleury is set to press for charges to be laid against Graham James,CALGARY - Theoren Fleury sounds ready to see this thing through.

In Toronto for the launch the of his candid autobiography "Playing With Fire", the former Calgary Flames’ captain said Wednesday morning that a complaint of sexual abuse against his former junior coach Graham James is in the works.

In the book, Fleury alleges that James, who spent three years in prison after being convicted 11 and a half years ago of molesting two of the teenage Swift Current Broncos players in his charge, including Fleury friend Sheldon Kennedy, also sexually abused him, starting when he was 14 years old.

"We’re looking into it,’’ Fleury said in a telephone interview from the offices of HarperCollins Publishers. "We have a group, a team of people in place, doing just that. We want to make sure we’re protected in this and everything is in order. But I think there’ll be something (to announce) soon.

"We’re going to do what’s best. For me and my family. I think the last four years I’ve shown that I’ve made the right choices. And I’ll do that again. We want people like Graham James off the street, in places where they should be.’’

Fleury was asked if he needed to see James brought to further justice to feel a sense of closure with his painful past.

"No, I don’t think I do.

"But when I decided to write this book, I knew that if that (proceeding with legal action) was part of it, then it’s part of it. I’m ready for it. I’m strong enough now to handle it. I’m at a good place, a safe place, in my life. I’ve stopped playing the victim: ‘Poor me, poor me, poor me. Pour me another one.’

"I’ll just have to lean on the people who’ve been there for me and supported me these last four years.’’

The book is raw, graphic. "Brutal" is Fleury’s word for its honesty. In it, he details his descent into alcoholism, drug and gambling addiction, triggered, he writes, by the same and guilt brought on by James. He’s been sober for four years, re-instated by the NHL as he attempted a failed comeback, at 41, with the Flames this fall.

Does he hope the man he claims responsible for his pain reads the book?

"I don’t care. I don’t care what Graham James thinks. He’s far from me and my family.’’

© Copyright (c) The Calgary Herald

Day Thirty-eight

2009-10-15T17:01:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I preached a little bit yesterday. I do that sometimes, please forgive me. Just ask my middle sister. :)

Also, please don't be offended if I suggested that you think I'm weak and victimized by responding to me about healing and all that stuff. I really do appreciate all the feedback I'm getting, the support I'm receiving and the comments I reading. Please keep writing. It really helps me to continue. I received some more information today about Theo Fluery. I will post that in a separate post. It's very interesting. Also, I received several other comments and messages that I believe are worthy to note. I will also respond to those is a separate post. But for now, I shall continue with my story.

On November 1, 2003, the day after I went to see the attorney's, I sent the following email to the ASIJ administrator. Some of the information you will have already read as I repeated it in this letter.

"It has been a week and a half since I have spoken to you. I promised you that I would keep you updated about our endeavors to stop Mr. J from sexually abusing any more children. This letter by nature will be extensive. You will receive it both by email as well as through the US Postal service. That way there won't be any questions as to whether or not you have received it." (Remember - I had a legitimate reason to be concerned that my letter would not be responded to, so I made sure he knew that it was coming and I had methods to make sure he got it.)

"When we spoke last, I sensed in you a sincere desire in helping us make sure this never happens again. I also am completely aware of your responsibility to protect the school. It is in that vain that I write this letter, hoping that you will encourage those around you to support our efforts to not only protect other children who are presently in contact with him, but also ASIJ students, present and future, from any kind of abuse because of the lack of or ignorance of school policy." (I want to remind you that in 2003 Mr. J was "running" a program designed for Middle School students in Japan.) "One thing that this kind of circumstance provides is a positive reason to go forward and make children aware of the dangers out there and how to respond to those situations."

"I'm first going to share with you the information I have gathered. You probably have much of it already as the school records would correspond with this information. I might repeat some things that you already have heard or read from me, however, I'd like to have it all in writing in the same place, so please bear with the repetitiveness of this information. In our endeavors thus far, we have contacted no more than 20 people. Of those 20 people we have identified four students who were actual victims of his sexual abuse and several more who either put him off or were eye witnesses to others being molested. The statistics of this are staggering. We have not even tipped the iceberg. As you can tell by our progress, we are talking each step very carefully and methodically. In addition, we have contacted several faculty members who have suspected such activity was going on but had not personally witnessed anything. We are also waiting to hear back from several people we suspect were abused by him. During 1970-1973, I frequently visited Miyake-jima. I turned 11 in February of 1970. In addition, I worked with Mr. J at his home in the mornings before school, helping him run his dogs on the golf course. It was during this period that the sexual abuse occurred to me. Beginning in 193 another student was sexually abused and her abuse lasted until 1975. She was 13 years old when it started. She and I attended Miyake together during Spring Break of 1973. She reminded me of this event, as I thought my last time out to Miyake was in 1972. I did not know at the time that she was being abused by him. She wrote Mr. J a letter in 1975 telling him to stop abusing her and to stay away from her. She then informed the school through a written letter in 1982 or 1983. She said she thought that Mr. J was then asked to leave the school. In 1977 another girl was sexually molested by Mr. J. She was 16. She reported this behavior to her parents who in turn spoke with the school. They were told that the school would handle it. This student was forced to continue to attend a school where a teacher not only molested her but the administration did nothing and her friend and those around her told her that she was making too big of a deal about it. Several people have told us that they were able to ward off any abuse from him but it took much effort. Others speak of his uncomfortable touching and their feelings that they suspected he was up to something but they never knew exactly what. His behavior also was very harsh and emotionally hard for those students who were not the "chosen". He often shunned or ignored students that seemed to get in the way of his agenda. I spoke with one student that remembers being at Miyake with the girl who was abused in 1973-1975. She speaks of his horrible behavior toward her. He treated her unkindly, made her feel unwelcome and even asked her friend. "Why did she have to come along?" in her presence. This person remember being at Miyake alone with just him and two girls. Apparently, her presence made it more difficult for him to have access to the other young girl. The farm at Miyake had three "sleeping" tatami rooms. They were all connected and had only sliding doors to separate the sleeping quarters. When I was there, the boys slept in one side, the girls in the other side and Mr. J slept in the middle room, supposedly protecting us from each other. He would then select one female to sleep next to him in the middle room. While I attended Miyake I was the "chosen" one. He then waited until the middle of the night to make his visits. One former student who attended Miyake regularly wrote the following:

Another time, again, early high school, we were all there. Fourteen girls and Mr. J the pedophile. It was hot, it was summer and Mr. J slept in the middle and all us (sic) girls had our futons around him. I'm sure none of us slept with blankets. I'm sure all of us had legs, thighs, and God knows what else exposed during those hot summer nights. I woke up in the middle of the night once and sat up deciding whether to go to the bathroom or not. I saw Mr. J with his had groping up and down one of the girls legs, I don't know whose it was but I think it was XXXXX. I don't know whether she was awake or not, or whether she knew or not. I gasped, he heard the noise and looked in my direction, again with the deer in the headlights look. We didn't exchange a single word. I lay back down and thanked my lucky stars my futon was on the exterior.

This account was not of me but of another student. But I can assure you that she was not asleep. In this same letter she described several girls walking in on Mr. J and me. It is an explicit eye witness account of his sexual abuse of me. The humiliation that I have experienced as a result of this does not even come close to the serious disappointment I have in the school in their handling of each one of these cases individually as well as corporately. As I have explained previously, in 1990 the ASIJ '70's decade had a reunion in Long Beach, California. Part of the reunion celebrated the favorite faculty member whom we all found to be most influential in our lives. Mr. J tied with another teacher as the "favorite teacher" of the '70's decade. When I informed the reunion committee about my experience with him I told them that if they announced him as the winner of the award, then I would bring my story out. The problem was that they had already informed both teachers of their nominations. They then had to retract the award from Mr. J and although I wasn't told about the circumstances I feel certain that the school was informed and involved in this process.

Again, in 2000 after receiving the solicitation letter from another alumnus, asking for money to help Mr. J because of the devastation of Miyake due to the volcano erupting, I formally contacted the school via the then present headmaster. He did not respond to my letter causing me to again correspond with him requesting confirmation that my letter arrived in his office and to make sure he had received it. I finally received confirmation that my letter indeed was received and that the board was going to meet after this and determine their next course of action. I was never informed about their actions.

Later on , in 2001, through the '70's yahoo web site, our former headmaster's wife sent out a request asking anyone to recall their memories they had at Miyake for the book. "The American School in Japan: A History of our First Century". She received several responses from different students and then suddenly her contacts with us stopped. I sent her an email letting her know that I didn't have a problem with her contacting people about Miyake, because I felt that there was a part of Miyake that was good and memorable for many people. Not everyone there had been subjected to his abuse and the program was a wonderful part of ASIJ's history. In my letter to her, I told her that I felt like she had stopped talking with us because of her fear of what might come out because of my previous letter to the school. I told her not to be concerned with me because I had no intention of hurting the school or anyone else. However, I must not have made it clear to her that aggrandizing him in the book would be a horribly cruel thing to do to those of us who have been quietly sitting back living with the pain and distress of our own private memories. She also did not respond to my letter. I am still truly baffled.

Based upon information I have been able to gather, the program on Miyake continued until the eruption of the volcano, despite these and possibly more accounts of students reporting to the school about his sexual abuse towards them. Several articles mention his involvement with ASIJ students and one article even states that in the year 2000, it was the 31st consecutive year that middle school students from ASIJ attended the Miyake program. Words can not even describe the horror of knowing that the school continued to support the program of a known pedophile. As more and more information begins to surface my humiliation and insecurity of my experience has diminished. However, my resolve coupled with anger and disgust has made me even more determined.

Most recently, in June of 2003, at the centennial celebration in San Francisco, I was reconnected with Michele Connor, who visited Miyake frequently during her junior high and high school years. Michele holds a very special place in my heart because when no one else could help me, not my parents, not teachers, not any others adults, she was willing to protect me from this sexual predator and because of her, his abuse against me stopped. Unfortunately, for the next person it just started.

The details of all of this are explicit. I have so much more I could share but don't feel it is necessary at this junction. I'd like to press forward to a resolution to this dilemma I feel be bother are in.

Michele Connor has some suggestions as to how she feels the school should be involved in this. I also have some ideas and would like to discuss them with you. We have not yet determined the best course of actions with regard to Mr. J.

As I mentioned in my last letter, I have met with attorney's here to get advice from them how best to proceed in this manner. My sole desire is to make sure there are not any other students sexually abused by him. We may contact the American Embassy. The attorneys suggested the FBI and possibly the local authorities. HOw we go about getting him away from other children remains to be seem.

ASIJ, up to this point has failed miserably in their responsibility regarding this situation. Several administrations have had multiple opportunities to rise up and do the right thing. Unfortunately, for you and me, they chose to take the cowardly way and ignore it, hoping it would go away. But it was just a matter of time that this would hit. Those responsible for this bear the guilt of other girls who were subjected to his sexual abuse because of their lack of integrity and lack of courage to stop this when they first found out about it.

I realize the implications for the school with regard to all of this. If any students were abused after the school received multiple warnings, the school might be held responsible. If you will now take a proactive approach to this, I believe you will not only protect the school from possible litigation from others, but more importantly you would be doing the righ thing.

We are going forward. I hope you will go forward with us. I will be waiting to hear from you.

Sincerely,

Janet Simmons"

So, how does it feel to re-read the story a second time? Doesn't it just amaze you that so much information was relayed to the school and nothing was done? Does it continue to baffle you like it does me? Do you see now how insidious this kind of behavior is? This evidently is common amongst people who don't want to upset the apple cart.

As I posted previously, I have lost a lot of the communications I had because of computer crashes and theft. However, I am waiting to get some more information from Michele that she kept. So, hopefully, I can fill in the gaps. Until then, I will go forward with then information I can remember and the limited correspondence I saved in the dreaded file.

I recall corresponding with ASIJ trying to contact Mr. J.

They refused to provide his address.

Through several negotiations they agreed to deliver a letter personally addressed to him sent via ASIJ. That is the next communication I have.

My letter to Mr. J was dated November 13, 2003.

Day Thirty-seven- Totally Helpless and Hopeless

2009-10-14T19:19:00.000-07:00

I was talking to my good friend and advisor today. He was checking in on me to make sure I was doing okay. He does that every once and a while. I like that.

I was sharing with him some of the issues I have with telling my story. Some people still see me as the "victim" needing "healing". And as one who experienced this horrible reality, "healing" is definitely a necessary component of it all. However, sometimes words have a way of depicting weakness and vulnerabilities. I feel very far from weak and vulnerable. I feel very strong and convicted. Does it still hurt? Yes. Does it still cause questions? Yes. Do I still have emotions that cause me to cry? Yes. But I'm beyond the phase of "healing" and victimization. Take the words of Theo Fluery as he was hesitant to admit the abuse he faced. As Fleury writes in his book: "I could see how it would play. I would have been stigmatized forever as the kid who was molested by his coach. The victim." He didn't want to admit his abuse because of the stigma it would attach to him. I completely understand.

I know I don't want to have the label of "the victim". The problem is that when you come out and share your story, some people automatically categorize you as "the victim." Now, to be sure, I have met people whose lives have been characterized with "victimhood". I just made up that word - which I do often. But those who suffer from "victimhood" are people who always have an excuse for their circumstances or behavior. They rarely take any kind of responsibility for their actions and always are looking to someone else to blame for their problems. Maybe they have been subjected to a lot of pain, but for some reason, they are unable to get beyond that to a productive and content life. It is possible that their "victimhood" was so bad that they are unable to defend themselves and their problems. I, however, am not there with this, and as a result do not ask for any kind of pity or contempt. I can handle that myself. So, when I ask for support, I'm asking as a friend and confidant, not as a victim. What a horrible label.

My friend asked me if that meant I was no longer TH and H or totally helpless and hopeless. My reply was, "you are jumping ahead to the end of my story but, yes, I am definitely TH and H. I am totally helpless and hopeless. But not in the way most see it. I don't believe in a watered down Christianity that says, "As long as I'm doing good and helping other people, then it really doesn't matter what I or you believe." I believe that God is completely perfect and we, as Man, are not. Thus the need for a substitute. If I can't be perfect then I can't commune with God. But when God provides a way (through Christ) for me to become perfect, then I can commune with him. Not through my own actions but through his sacrifice. I am unable to accomplish his goals. Thus I am Totally Helpless and Hopeless - if not for God. Thanks be to him. Amen.

Day Thirty-six - Response from ASIJ - The pathway is broken

2009-10-13T19:16:00.000-07:00

The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why you brought me here
But just because you love me the way that you do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If you want me to

On Wednesday, October 22, 2003 I received the following response from the ASIJ Administration:

Dear Janet,

I am deeply troubled by the shocking news in your letter. My first inkling of this matter was from a graduate from the 1970's who visited me on Tuesday, the day before your email. To have received your two separate notices within two days has certainly brought this matter to the center of my radar screen, and I intend to investigate this further. Know that this will receive serious attention from me. My first order of business will be to try to gather existing information about this matter. Since this all predates me, (I have been headmaster for two months), I will need to start from scratch with my investigation.

The fact that you have mentioned the possibility of retaining legal council causes met to measure my words. I would rather not do that, as I would like to help you to attain the healing that you seek. My inclination is to offer compassionate assistance. I would be happy to speak with you by telephone so please call me at school at..............

I don't remember - but evidently I spoke with the new headmaster sometime between October 22, 2003 and November 1, 2003.

On October 31, 2003 I had an appointment with the attorneys. Halloween. I was scared to death. I had never retained any attorney for anything. On my way to my appointment, with the dreaded file, I called my sister. One of the things I remember talking to her about was my fear that if we confronted him, Mr. J would commit suicide. I didn't want that on my hands. But, I also didn't want on my hands to possibility that other children were being abused by him. I remember driving down Perkins Road in Baton Rouge, arriving at the attorney's office. I went in with my 2 inch file and met with three attorneys for about an hour. After listening to my story, they proceeded to tell me that because of the International nature of the situation, they were unable to help me.

I really didn't know how to proceed.

Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise you're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will got through the fire
If you want me to..........................

Dad Thirty-six - Similarities are harrowing

2009-10-13T04:47:00.000-07:00

I received this article from a former ASIJ classmate and facebook friend. It's amazing how similar the feelings, fears and realities are from one story to the next. Again, this is why it's so important to talk about it. I don't know much about hockey and so am not familiar with this person or his abuser but plan on researching some more. Hope you are able to read the article. Janet

Here is an article that may interest you.
Fleury faces a difficult journey
By John Mackinnon, Calgary HeraldOctober 10, 2009
StoryPhotos ( 1 )
Theo Fleury has a new book, titled Playing With FirePhotograph by: Calgary Herald, ArchiveInformation is light, Tom Stoppard once wrote, but if you're Theoren Fleury, bringing some facts to light has been a painful, harrowing process.

His admission in an about-to-be-released book that he suffered chronic sexual abuse at the hands of Graham James, his junior coach, comes as long-awaited confirmation of a ghastly, open secret to many people in hockey.

For Fleury, the abuse began when he was an adolescent star, playing for James in Winnipeg in the early 1980s.

Fleury also played under James in Moose Jaw, where he was a teammate of Sheldon Kennedy, another victim of abuse, and James's accuser in an infamous criminal trial at which James pleaded guilty in January 1997.

James was sentenced to 42 months in jail for abusing Kennedy and a second, unnamed player (not Fleury) who both played under James with the Swift Current Broncos, though not at the same time.

So, now Fleury has confirmed James's trail of abuse stretched at least from Winnipeg to Moose Jaw to Swift Current. Now, it is publicly confirmed James had at least three victims, a pattern of abuse that occurred at least throughout the '80s and into the '90s.

Now, knowing what we know about Fleury's well-documented battles with alcohol, drug addiction and other demons, it is possible to at least guess at how excruciatingly difficult it is to bring such a brutal history to light, to talk about being victimized, to publicly share your darkest secrets.

Fleury, keep in mind, refused to talk about these issues when the focus turned on him owing to revelations from that trial back in '97. He referred to this dark period only obliquely in his first biography, published that same year.

The predator counts on the victim's sense of guilt, uses those overpowering feelings of shame to manipulate the ones who are culled from teams precisely because they are vulnerable, in desperate need of direction.

Fleury acknowledges his own family support was problematic in his formative years.

His father was an alcoholic, his mother dependent on medication.

Kennedy, raised by a single mother, had no male role model at home.

Both Kennedy and Fleury, like many Canadian teenage hockey stars, were playing for junior teams hundreds of miles from home.

Any junior coach has God-like power over his teenage charges. In the hands of a predator like James, that power becomes diabolical.

Society and the justice system can be terribly unkind to victims, whether they are abused wives, rape victims or targets of molestation.

As Fleury writes in his book: "I could see how it would play. I would have been stigmatized forever as the kid who was molested by his coach. The victim."

Indeed, when Kennedy accused James, many hockey people dismissed him as a troubled player, a vindictive person, not a credible witness.

Many of those people now live with demons of their own, knowing they could have been more vigilant, knowing that Kennedy, Fleury and others were victimized on their watch.

But many influential people in the game refused to believe that James, who led Swift Current to the Memorial Cup, who had been named coach of the year, was the monster Kennedy claimed.

After all, some reasoned, why would upstanding people like Bret Hart, Joe Sakic (who played for James in Swift Current), and Fleury, as co-owners of the Calgary Hitmen, hire James to be that club's GM and head coach if he was guilty of the crimes Kennedy accused him of?

Which is where Fleury's story becomes even more complicated, more troubling.

It is one thing, given the potential social and professional cost, to want to lock those dirty secrets in a vault and get on with life.

But to be part of a group that hired James and put him in charge of yet another hockey team? That is harder to understand; hard, if not impossible to justify.

It will be interesting to see whether Fleury addresses that in his book.

Kennedy, playing for the NHL's Flames when his victimizer, James, was coaching the Hitmen, chose to open the vault and let the light in and deal with the consequences. Those consequences proved painful, indeed.

"I couldn't handle the fact that I would come out of the locker-room and see Graham with these kids," Kennedy said. "I had to do something."

Fleury, finally, has chosen to do something as well.

It is facile, perhaps, to wonder why Fleury didn't publicly support Kennedy back then, as good teammates are supposed to do.

But there has been nothing easy about the road Fleury has had to take as a result of his unfortunate involvement with Graham James.

© Copyright (c) The Calgary Herald

Day Thirty-five - Now would be a good time to write

2009-10-12T16:50:00.000-07:00

If you have been following my blog and wish to comment, now would be a good time to do so. After this weekend I am emotionally exhausted. On my way home yesterday, one of my MK friends called and we talked for an hour while I was heading home. It definitely made the ride home go faster but she shed some light on a few things.

First thing she said that I thought was interesting was that we don't share the same culture with our children. When I asked her to clarify, she said she was observing a friend of hers who was relating to her children. This women was born and raised in the USA, as were her children. Her observation reminded her that she never shared the same culture as her parents. Her parents were raised in the states and later moved to Japan with their profession. She reminded me that my parents also were raised in the states and so were my kids. Thus a unique phenomena, being a third culture person, not having the same culture with your parents or your children. This is quite unique.

She also commented that in order for us to feel shame we must be isolated. I thought that was an interesting observation because that was exactly how I felt this weekend. Isolated and alone and yes a lot of shame. Yes, I chose to isolate myself from others, but this is more insidious than that. Isolation for manipulation. The creep I dated in college did that very well.

One thing I realized this weekend was the difference of writing a blog and writing a book. When you are writing a book you are actually just writing for yourself, unless you share it with another person. Until you share it with another, it is still private and you can write things that you know no one else is reading. It almost gives you more license and freedom because you aren't experiencing the emotions that you do when you are writing for the world to see.

When you are writing a blog, you know that when you post it, people are reading it. As a result, for me it makes me a little more tenuous in my writing and careful about what I share.

On the other hand, when you are writing a book you can stop at anytime and no one would know. So, when the going gets tough, you can quit. Where as, at least for me, when I started this blog, I knew I couldn't quit because once I started this ball rolling, I didn't think it would be fair for my readers for me to quit. It also gives me incentive to continue. That's why it would be good if you wish to comment now. That gives me encouragement to continue and encouragement is what I need.

I'm moving into the end of October, ASIJ's response and my communications with Mr. J. If you want to read more, let me know.

You can friend me on facebook, write me an email at janet@calcote.com or you can comment on my posts. Let me know.

Day thirty-four - Contact with ASIJ

2009-10-11T16:52:00.000-07:00

So, we get to the current or then current administration in 2003. I sent an email (since now it was the more common form of communication) to the then current headmaster. My email was as follows.

Your “Second Century Campaign” letter arrived in my home yesterday. As I read the letter, it was obvious that you were able to capture the feelings of camaraderie and oneness we all feel toward our ASIJ heritage while attending the centennial celebration in San Francisco. You were able to see that we do have a unique bond that most never experience. It is because of this that makes this letter so difficult to write.

As the San Francisco reunion coordinator for the class of ‘76, I was responsible for encouraging and making sure as many of my classmates as possible could attend the celebration. It was my hope that I, as well as others, would be able to come together and recapture the lost times of joy and childhood memories that we have only been able to conjure up in our thought and dreams. For me the memories are often painful and sad and I was hoping to be able to experience the memories of childhood wonder and joy.

The class of ‘76 began our celebration prior to the reunion by gathering of Friday afternoon at a local Irish pub in San Francisco. When I got there, most of my classmates had already arrived and as I walked into the group the air was full of excitement and an unexplainable current riveted through the invisible space as we came together and reconnected for the first time in 20 plus years. Your use of the word “electricity” was very descriptive of the entire weekend and there was a positive force traveling constantly through-out the reunion. To be able to recreate that would be impossible. My hopes of returning to my past and reliving the fun and unusual past in which we partook were somewhat answered and my dreams of remembering positive times partially came true.

As I progressed to the reunion at the Radisson, I was soon returned to reality when I ran into Michele Connor. Michele was the only person I knew who I could connect with regarding my experience of being sexually abused by a former ASIJ teacher. She had been my protector when there was nobody else around. It all began in 7th grade.

(I then copied the letter we sent out. See post Day Thirty-one - There are no short curs to healing.)

Through-out the last several months I have corresponded with Michele Connor and several other alumni and former/current teachers. This week I received a correspondence from a former classmate describing an incident that she and two or mor other students witnessed regarding me and this teacher. It was most difficult to read and imagine but it provides solid evidence of my abuse and not just my word. In addition, I have received correspondence from other students remembering other incidences in which he violated young girls by encouraging them (us) to satisfy the sexual needs of local Japanese business men. I am in the process of extending my contact to girls who were younger than me and possibly more violated than even I.

I have hesitated to contact the school again for several reasons. First, my initial contacts brought forth no fruit. It’s not easy to continue to be discouraged and unsupported regarding this horror. Second, I really wanted to let this rest and die and I didn’t feel it was necessary to drudge up old memories. However, once I found out he was still working with children, I felt it was my moral obligation to make sure no other young girls suffer under his manipulative abuse.

I have contacted an attorney and have an appointment on October 31st. He is one of the attorney’s that worked with the victims of the priests of the Catholic Church. Michele Connor has been in contact with an ASIJ alumnus who lives in Tokyo and was privy to this behavior who is contacting a local attorney to see what our options are there. Michele may travel to Tokyo in the near future.

After hearing about you and your reputation from my good friend I hesitated to get you involved. However, this has started to escalate and the domino effect has taken place. I believe it would be prudent for you to have as much information you can regarding this issue. At this point I don’t know how we will proceed.

I will keep you informed as to our intentions. Please, please at least acknowledge receipt of this email. I plan on keeping an open line of communications with you if you will also extend the same courtesy.

I have attached a picture of me and my family. I have found that sometimes visual connections tend to help us to relate to each other on a more personal level.

With deep regrets,

Janet Calcote Simmons ‘76

Day Thirty-four - Truth is truth whether you believe it or not

2009-10-11T16:47:00.000-07:00

I just got back from about a 6 mile trek on the island. I started down the street in front of our house and began running, walking and crying. That just came up from nowhere. I did not expect that. I started feeling emotions of despair and intense sorrow. I almost turned around to go back to the house but determination and prayer kept me going. I silently sang several songs that provided strength. I need thee oh I need thee…… every moment I need thee…… Dear refuge of my weary soul.

I went all the way down to the bird sanctuary by road - about 2 ½ miles from the house. I then ran through the bird sanctuary on the boardwalk attempting to keep from being bitten by mosquitoes, abducted by the boogie man or grabbed by the infamous troll under the bridge. The bird sanctuary is really beautiful but sort of scary when you are alone.

The boardwalk goes around through the trees and the pond. Many migratory birds land on Dauphin Island on their way to or from where ever they are supposed to go. When I referenced the illegally cut pine tree in our yard in an earlier post, it’s because Dauphin Island is protected (we didn’t know about our own pine trees until we cut some down and received a visit from the town hall rep). Oops. I finally made it to the beach and started walking back on the shore line.

It’s amazing to me that I’m on another island so far away from Miyake recounting my story. Thank God I wasn’t robbed of my enjoyment of the water and coast. Several memories came up while I was on this long trek. As I walked down the beach I passed several people shell hunting, fishing or just enjoying the beauty of nature. The sky was blue sprinkled with white clouds. There was a breeze coming from the north stirring up the waters that were filled with pelicans patiently waiting for their breakfast.

I passed behind a house that was literally in the water. Remembering a time when my husband and kids were down here one weekend. We were walking on this same part of the beach and crossed a boardwalk that some individual had erected going to the water. My youngest son stopped on the boardwalk and proceeded to relieve himself in the ocean. He was probably around 9 years old. My husband and I had walked ahead of the kids so weren’t involved in the following altercation. This lady came out and yelled at my daughter and her then boyfriend to “get your son off of my property or I’m going to call the police.” It was really funny because she was so frustrated that this 9 year old had stood on her boardwalk and peed in the ocean. Threatening to call the police - what was she going to say - “There is a 9 year old peeing off my boardwalk, come and arrest him.” We had fun with that the rest of the walk.

The house in the water reminded me of a song I grew up with about the foolish man building his house upon the sand. The other part of that song is the wise man built his house upon the rock. The Rock is what helped get me through this morning.

I really didn’t realize this would affect me like it has. In fact I'm a little bit shocked. I thought I was well beyond this kind of emotion. I hate the word “healing” so I guess I’ll call it inconceivable grace and profound mercy. If you don’t know what I’m referencing but want to please ask me. I never ceases to amaze me how much God loves me. As I continued down the beach seeing his incredible handiwork, I thought about how although I’ve never seen the face of God - if so I would surely die!! - I continue to see the amazing creation unfolding around me. The shore line was littered with jelly fish every few feet or so. Some were really small, about 2 inches in diameter and one was so big I couldn’t believe it.

The jelly fish reminded me of a time I was at Miyake and we decided to go swimming. We went down to the pier and the water was really rough. Just about the time Mr. J yelled at us to stop, we jumped in, right into a swarm of Portuguese Man O War. We got out of that water as fast as we could. It is amazing that none of the kids died while at the island. There was all kinds of stuff like that going on.

I’m going to attempt to get to the end of October today and then close out until I get back to Baton Rouge. I could stay here for a week but family and work beckon.

On October 20, 2003 I received an email from another teacher.

Dear Janet,

My heart wept when I read your letter, forwarded by (the other teacher I had contacted). I had no idea that such sinful, hurtful, abusive behavior was going on. I will ask your permission to go directly to our new headmaster. He is a wonderful person, spiritual and compassionate. I feel he should be aware of the past abuses and he could gather any information you require about Mr. J’s involvement with ASIJ and beyond. My prayers will be for you and him. Please let me know if I may proceed and what information you would like to have. I have not spoken to Mr. J for years. He owes me a lot of money, so he doesn’t want to contact me.

I responded.

Thank you for contacting me. I have been mulling over for several weeks now how I would like to approach the new headmaster. Although I did not meet him at the reunion I heard about his qualifications and his seemingly kind demeanor from a friend. I would prefer to contact him myself and would appreciate any support I can get from you in doing so. I will copy you on my letter to him.

There are many things I have yet to discover and or uncover regarding this entire situation. You may be able to fill in some gaps for me and in addition help me identify other people who are suffering from the life long abuse I have experienced.

I’d like to ask you some specific questions and would appreciate it if you would let me know if that is okay. Knowing how hard it is to think about these things, I do not automatically assume that you would be forthcoming in your memories or facts about certain things.

Please allow me to give you an update on the current situation. This is information that I have garnered since I emailed the other teacher. I have three or possibly more eye witnesses to my sexual abuse by this man. This was something I was unaware of until this past Monday. It was excruciatingly difficult to read the account of his abuse against me observed by others. However, it does provide hard evidence against him and not just my word. I have also received more information about his meanderings concerning Japanese men and his attempt to provide young American girls for some local Japanese business men. I will account that in more detail at a later time.

Back to current time - Sunday, October 11, 2009 - Dauphin Island. I just spoke to my sister and broke down and sobbed. I didn’t realize I still had this much emotion in me about this. Feelings of being completely alone, shame, intense sorrow, and despair don’t even describe what I’m feeling. I’m scared and lonely. Wishing all of this would go away - wishing I never had to experience this - wishing, just wishing for peace. What is peace? Peace to me is the knowledge of being protected from evil - knowing there is something or someone there protecting me.

I’m done for now.

Day Thirty-four - Insidious

2009-10-11T16:22:00.000-07:00

There must be a lot of little old ladies living under the street here on Dauphin Island. I just took a early morning ride down to the west end and there were thousands of lights turning on next to the bike path as I rode by. One thing I can’t understand is that when I was driving one way they were red and the opposite way the were white. I guess they have two different buttons to push. No, my hair is no longer blonde - I’m going gray!!

“Police still don’t want to deal with rape cases and prosecutors aren’t keen to go ahead with them because neither think rape is that serious a crime.” Lawyer Yukiko Tsunoda, criticizing Japan’s lax laws on rape

So if I’m reading this correctly, ASIJ knew at least as early as 1977 - possibly before but at least by then. They again received a formal letter in the early 1980’s. And they did nothing? I’m really baffled and confused by this. They allowed the reunion committee to send out “favorite teacher” nominations and didn’t think something might happen with that? Again, at least a third confirmation. But still they let students go to his farm? Then they didn’t attempt to do anything about the request in 2000 until I sent them a formal, registered letter. Then they chose not to communicate with me? Do I sense a pattern here?

So, to answer my previous emailer, NO, I’m not worried about the implication my blog has on the school. How can I? You are right to say that the administration now isn’t the same as it was then. You are right that this could possibly hurt the school - I doubt it will. ASIJ is an excellent school and I wouldn’t hesitate to put my children in it right now. But previous administrations, particularly those in the 1970’s, 1980’s and 1990’s really should have to answer to this.

I found two interesting things in the “dreaded” file . Now, I really know why I labeled it the “dreaded” file.

One is an article from the “Big 6 at the American School in Japan”, dated Winter 2000. “The highlight of seventh grade science is a week -long springtime study trip to the island of Miyake, Japan. The island of Miyake, or Miyake-jima, is located in the Sea of Japan 200 miles south of Tokyo. Twenty-eight students at a time, plus five teachers, experience the natural wonders of Miyake each week until all 110 seventh grade students have had a chance to see Miyake. Miyake is an active volcano and the home of a world renowned marine biology study center (and resident marine biologist-guru, Mr. J, listed in the 1999 Marquis’ Who’s Who in the World). Before our student scientists embark on this journey, they conduct several weeks of research throughout the year on the local land forms and sea life, as well as the many colorful birds of the island. This year will be the 31st consecutive year that ASIJ Middle School students have studied the delicate ecosystem on Miyake. “

The next is an excerpt from the book written for and distributed during the centennial celebration in San Fran. Pages 180 and 181. “Meanwhile, Mr. J expanded his program to include even more weekend trips for junior high students and was happy to take along (name of person), who recently emailed, “One of my first weekends in Japan was a trip to a small fishing village with one of Mr. J’s groups. The photographs and memories of that trip remain treasures. I think all those trips that we organized for the students are probably more valuable than most of our class work.” Mr. J also enlarged a summer program for high school students to live on Miyake Island and teach English. As he was quoted in the Hanabi, “The program gives students a view of typical Japanese life and how Japan looks with a minimum of Western influence.” Then on page 225 - “Relationships between teachers and students seemed to thrive, particularly when the curriculum included off-campus adventures.” Page 226 - “(Name of another teacher) who taught science from 1968-1974, was one of the earliest supporters of what came to be known as Mr. J’s Miyake Program. This program, arranged for seventh graders, consisted of a week-long stay on Miyake Island to study the flora and fauna of the area and to encounter local people. It made great use of Mr. J’s own property on the island and his long association with the inhabitants there………. One student remembers her seventh grade year clearly: Mr. J was my favorite teacher ever. I liked science because of him. I stuck with science all through high school. In college I thought I’d be a marine biologist until I realized science wasn’t for me. I fell in love with Mr. J’s enthusiasm. He was so excited about marine biology. A few of us went to Miyake with him five or six times on weekends, over the next two years. He had us scuba diving and following particular fish. We’d follow them and write down what they did, and which fish they interacted with. Mr. J treated us like adults. “

The book goes on to say on page 227 - “Clearly the school had rich experiences and a fair amount of freedom to offer students. But two concerns continued to cause ASIJ and parents to clamp down rules, even into the seventies. (Editors note: you would think maybe here reference would be made to protecting the students who were being molested by Mr. J. But no, read on.) One was the physical appearance of the student body, which the school felt was bad for business. A group of parents went so far as to discuss the idea of school uniforms with people at the Isetan Departments store. Some faculty and staff may remember seeing designs of red and blue outfits, complete with bell bottom slacks for the boys and short skirts and vests for the girls, being trotted out at a PTA meeting.”

I don’t know what the second concern was because it’s on the next page and I don’t have a copy of the book. This book was published after the author sent out an email requesting memories to be sent to her. I wrote her and told her that I understood that if she wanted to write about good memories of Miyake to please do so, that I wouldn’t taint any other person’s memories of that, however, she needed to be aware of the other side of the story. The emails stopped circulating and I never heard from her again, until after everything came out in the open in 2003. She wrote me then and asked me to share with her this story I am now sharing with you. I told her that I couldn’t do that. Maybe she’s reading my blog.

I’m going through the emails that started rolling in during the month of October ‘03. As they began coming in, my husband was seeking help from an attorney friend of ours who put me in touch with the attorneys that represented the men who were molested by the priests in the Catholic Church. As many of you may already know, Baton Rouge and Louisiana as a state is predominantly Catholic in faith. The group of attorneys that handled some of the cases of the priests were from Baton Rouge. I scheduled an appointment with them on October 31, 2003.

In the meantime, my oldest sister also began corresponding with different people from her grade. She graduated in 1970. She received a response from several people.

One person who spent some time at Miyake later after high school doing some research replied that he had come on to her so strong that even after she returned to the states he continued calling her. She replied, “I guess there is residual guilt about the fact that I did not do anything pro-active at the time to reveal at least what I suspected about what I had come to believe happened to other, younger girls - so that is why your e-mail spawned so much emotion for me. When I said something to my sister about the fact that he must be about 80 now, she reminded me of a situation that our family knows of that involved a 78 year old man, so age doesn’t’ mean much when it comes to a person like this. What I don’t understand is how no one in some authority - even another teacher at ASIJ - didn’t know what was going on and report it. Or - even more frightening - is that it was known and pushed under the carpet.”

One person who was not one of his direct subjects wrote to Michele. “I do remember that I couldn’t stand the way he touched me. I also remember his anger, but never knew where it came from. Now it all seems to make sense. I remember him getting very angry with one girl, and she was so scared that she asked us to get in the car with her. Mr. J drove like a madman, and when he confronted her, he said, “What do you want me to do, make love to you?” I remember being very horrified. Also, he told me a story once about a teacher on Miyake who fiddled with a young girl, got caught and in a lot of trouble. I remember thinking that he was talking about himself. Now I know. He also told me how he made love to one girl. I think she was 18. At the age of 12, I thought that was very grown up. Also, felt sick that he had told me. What a sicko.”

“Once he took a group of us to dinner with the owner of the ship company. We had to sit on either side of this shipping tycoon as we spoke Japanese.” She goes on to describe how this shipping tycoon had come on to her and asserted himself on her in the bathroom. She was able to fend him off and went back to sit down, this time with the only boy there. Mr. J kept insisting that she sit next to the tycoon. On the way back from the dinner she told Mr. J what happened and he replied, “We had to understand how men were and that they had needs. We were so angry that we made him stop the car and got out.”

“Yes, everyone knew it was going on.”

“We all looked up to Mr. J, the only adult in the world who made us feel important, who played music for us, who sang to us, who took thousands of picture of us, told jokes and made us laugh, teaching us to dive and to take part in important adult biological research. He taught us fish names and stuff about the ocean. We felt so adult, so knowledgeable. To this day I can name ocean currents other people can’t. Sometimes Mr. J would confide in me, like an adult, and tell me people were telling nasty rumors about him, and I would always comfort him. I was never sure exactly what he was referring to, but, comforting him seemed to be my job, and I took it seriously. He was, after all, saving my life. Maybe that’s what kept us so quiet.”

“I also remember that when I was in the 7th grade, we would all go hang out in Mr. J’s office between classes. He told us we had to stop coming as the other teachers were jealous of his relationship with kids. So we didn’t go for a while. One of the girls in our year - a new girl from the US - was very unhappy. We talked to her and found out that she was trying to commit suicide by taking a load of aspirin. We didn’t know what to do and told Mr. J. He did the appropriate thing by telling the appropriate people, got an ambulance, etc. After that he felt as though he vindicated himself with the other teachers and we were allowed to go back and sit with him again.”

On October 16, 2003 I received this from Michele.

Dear Janet,

This is going to be a tough email for you to read. I didn’t know whether to send it to you or not, but then it occurred to me that you probably have to be prepared to hear unpleasant stuff. What we are doing is not pretty and this is just the beginning. The good thing about this email, is that, according to the writer, you had at least three witnesses. I think this is very important, and your lawyer will probably think so too. This person is lining up some lawyers for me in Tokyo. Just remember, it may get tougher, but we are all behind you. I feel so awful, I wonder if I was there and this was just another thing I blocked out. I most probably was and most probably did. Michele

Following email to Michele:

Hi Michele,

Of course I remember you! We spent many a day in Miyake together, how could I ever forget you. I have been brought up to speed about Janet Calcote et al. The Mr. J Pedophilia has finally been brought out into the open and we can talk about it. Times have changed. We were saying how pedophilia wasn’t in the news in our day, we were hardly aware that it existed. And could we put a definition on Mr. J’s bizarre behavior? He was our teacher and our friend and we put our trust in him, we would never think in our wildest dreams that he would abuse that trust in such a horrific way.

My memory is hazy but there are certain incidents I recall with such clarity.

Editors note: I can’t write exactly what she wrote in the email because it is too explicit, however, I will attempt to summarize it. (So far, this has been the most difficult thing to re-read and now write.

Several people walked in on Mr. J putting ointment on me for a rash I had. Very embarrassing. I don’t remember them walking in - can’t imagine why. She goes on the write, “When we burst in the door, he had this look on his face, one of surprise, guilt and oops I-got-my-hand-caught-in-the-cookie-jar look. We all sputtered, what are you doing? We were in shock! He got angry and told us to leave and shut the door. We wanted to believe him, we needed to believe him and yet what a strange thing to do. Another time, again, early high school, we were all there, 14 girls and Mr. J the Pedophile. It was hot, it was summer and Mr. J slept in the middle and all us girls had our futons around him. I’m sure none of us slept with blankets. I’m sure all of us had legs, thighs and God knows what else exposed during those hot summer nights. I woke up in the middle of the night once and sat up, deciding whether to go to the bathroom or not. I saw Mr. J with his hand groping up and down one of the girls legs. I don’t know whose it was. I don’t know whether she was awake or not, or whether she knew or not. I gasped, he heard the noise and looked in my direction, again, with the deer-in-the-headlights look. We didn’t exchange a single word. I lay back down and thanked my lucky stars my futon was on the exterior. At that age, we didn’t have the maturity to handle the situation, the reality, or the emotion. I’m sure if I think further I can think of more. But like the rest of us, I’m sure we all have tried to bury or suppress the visuals after all these years. Just too gross."

Day Thirty-three - UNBELIEVABLE!!

2009-10-10T15:52:00.000-07:00

Just got back from three glorious hours at the beach. Temperature in the mid-eighties. Slight breeze, blue sky feathered with soft white clouds. The water was so calm and clear that I saw a school of small fish swimming around my feet, about 300 or so. There was a huge jelly-fish stranded on the beach about 6-7 inches in diameter. Polly, my dog, and I got in the water and waded a bit. The water was still warm as we have yet to have any really cold days. We walked out on Sand Island for about 45 minutes and I read a completely meaningless detective novel for complete relaxation. Got a slight fall tan going which is nice.

I’m eating a boring bowl of oatmeal made with water because I’m too lazy to go to the store. I’ll do that later for dinner, after I dive into some more correspondence.

The next email I have is dated August 11, 2003. Michele was in the process of trying to communicate with the young woman who sent the letter asking for monetary help for Mr. J. Evidently, after I had corresponded with her, so had multiple other people including a faculty member who chastised her for sending out the request. Isn’t that funny? Even a faculty member? Can you see how easily he hid his true nature from people. What’s so interesting about all this is that these chastisements came before I “officially” contacted the school. So, another person was hurt and put in a bad position because of his manipulation of her. I feel so bad for her because now her experiences in Japan are tainted by this horrible problem that NO BODY wanted to address.

It was after this correspondence from Michele that we both started talking about sending out a letter to reach out to other people who had been molested by him. The next email I received from Michele began with, “Lord have mercy, this is probably one of the hardest letters I have written.”

You can only imagine how hard it was. We both were soon to open ourselves up for a ride of our lives. I began talking with a personal friend and advisor about all of this. My husband also gave me wise and sound advice.

The questions my friend/advisor asked me were:
1. How do we proceed in finding out who else is out there as a “victim” (I hate that word) of his abuse?
2. What is our intention in finding them?
3. How can we keep Mr. J from hearing about it and thus keep him from going into hiding?
4. What is the best way to proceed with regard to Mr. J?
5. What is the best way to proceed with regard to the school?

We talked about these things and both agreed that we needed to start by contacting a limited number of people initially. We sent out a generic letter (I think it is the one I posted in an earlier blog post) I’ll have to look to see which one. We felt that if we were finally going through the process of understanding the pain and knowing we weren’t alone, that others might want the same opportunity to join us in our camaraderie and also, have a safe place to talk about it.
It was not our intention to “go after” Mr. J. We decided to approach him with the attitude that we would give him the opportunity to admit it, make restitution and stop working with children and receive lifelong therapy. We didn’t think he would do any of that, so we decided that if he didn’t respond we would move forward legally and make sure he wasn’t allowed to work with children anymore.

We felt that seeking legal counsel was probably a good idea as well, with regards to both Mr. J and the school since we really didn’t know what else to do. Especially if the school responded like they had in the past. At this point, however, no one except a select few knew we were even talking. This was in early September.

After we refined the letter, we started creating a list of people we thought might shed some light on the subject and or connect us with people who he molested. At this point, we really didn’t know if there were a lot of others. I had spoken to one person at the reunion who told me that she was one of the “chosen” ones. She was nine when he began molesting her, much in the same way it started with me, talking walks on the golf course with the dogs. So, we knew there were others, just didn’t know how many.

In mid September both Michele and I started feeling very reluctant to go forward, as you can probably imagine. One comment I wrote to Michele on an email dated September 11, 2003 was, “I haven’t started yet (contacting people) cause I’m scared.”

I find it ironic that it was on September 11, 2003 – two years after the Twin Towers went down and one year after we closed on our house in Baton Rouge. One thing I remember reading was a response from Michele about not being able to comprehend violent acts or harmful things. She wrote, “I don’t believe my own eyes/ears if I am witnessing something really awful.” I remember a similar feeling back during Thanksgiving of 1977, after I was dating that creep from Mississippi College – I broke up with him and flew up to my brother’s in Cleveland for the Thanksgiving holidays. I stayed with my brother, his wife (remember ALC?) and his sweet daughter, my niece. Evidently, I had shared with him during that visit about my experiencing with Mr. J. (I don’t remember doing that.) I was also coming off of this horrible relationship I had with this older man, and I was really screwed up. Anyway, one afternoon my brother came home from work and flipped on the TV and told us something really weird was happening – it was James Jones and his massacre and ultimate suicide down in Guiana – don’t know if I spelled that right. Don’t drink the Kool-Aid. But what I recall most about that time was my inability to understand the reality of this bizarre event. I had a really hard time getting my head around what was actually going on. I felt that way during 9-11 as well. So maybe that is a common reaction to those of us who have been subjected to abuse during our very informative years.
So, we finally sent the letter out in mid-September. We both had a list of people we wanted to start with and agreed not to duplicate sending to the same people. We began receiving responses right away, some from people who had been subjected to the abuse and others from people remembering things. We received encouragement from some and harsh rejections from others. I received a correspondence from a former teacher who we knew had some not so kind things to say about Mr. J to the person who requested money three years before.
His response is below.

Dear Janet,
First, please accept my sympathy for what you have endured these many years. Most of us in education abhor the behavior of the few. My wife and I spent time discussing this situation you have presented. Unfortunately, there was only rumor for me to use as a basis for refusing to donate three years ago. I chaperoned more than ten trips for the seventh graders and witnessed a strong preference for and association with the girls in the groups. There was a large ego issue that played on the girls and not the boys. Fortunately, I noticed nothing overt. In the next few days I hope to find time and words to write to a former colleague to ask for correspondence to be sent to individuals who might have been molested. The information must come from them. I start jury duty tomorrow and still have classes to prepare for my substitute, but will be in touch with you within the week. What of your past should I explain to others who were at ASIJ long before me? I assume your name should be sent by you, but I might find some willing ears. One behalf of my sons and all the children, I thank you. You will be in my thoughts for a long time.

This was sent on September 22, 2003.

I know during this time I received numerous phone calls from people who preferred to call rather than write. One person I spoke with told me that she had contacted ASIJ about this and personally spoke with the principal with her parents in the fall of 1977. Another person I spoke with stayed home sick from school several days because she didn’t want to see him at school any more. Mr. J eventually came to her house and talked to her dad. She could hear him through the walls asking her dad if she was okay, and feeling all the while that Mr. J was just securing her silence by making her dad think he really was concerned about her. Master manipulator. She also told me that she had formally written the school in 1982. Can you believe it? I guess now you can after all I’ve written. Two different people, two different incidences, contacted the school and what does the administration do? Continue to allow this master manipulator continue his activities and his abuse of students. How could they do that? I just can’t believe I’m reading this correctly. In 1977 and then again in 1982 – that we know of. Come to find out later that Mr. J didn’t actually quit teaching at ASIJ until 1984. And even after he quit teaching he still had ASIJ JLAP students come to his farm on Miyake until 2000! Unbelievable!!

Are these people nuts? What were they thinking? “Let’s just ignore the situation and it will go away.” And I guess it did until 2003. Now do you see why this is soooooooo important to talk about now. Hopefully, this will encourage anyone out there who has any doubt about bringing forward any information to go ahead and do it. What were they thinking? “We’ll wait and let someone else handle this because it usually takes 30 years before the “victims” to realize what really happened.” In the meantime, more girls were being molested. I cannot believe this. I’m sitting here shaking my head now almost 40 years later.

Okay folks – you had to know that eventually this was going to come out. I’m so sorry.

Day Thirty-three - "Who knew at age twelve?"

2009-10-10T15:46:00.000-07:00

I got down to Dauphin Island around 5:30 yesterday afternoon. The grass was extremely high so I decided to start mowing a little. Got about a quarter of the lawn mowed when I ran over an illegally cut down pine tree stump and bent the blade of the mower. That stunk. Once I got the blade fixed the mower wouldn’t start so I decided to call it a night and go inside and chill. I fixed some dinner – fish, asparagus pan sauteed with olive oil and garlic, and a sweet potato with a little butter. Yum. I haven’t had butter in a while – it was good. I watched “Meet the Abbotts” but couldn’t tell you the ending because I fell asleep about 8:30. Must have really needed the rest. I woke up this morning about 7:00. I never sleep that long.

Went out to see if I could get the mower started and did so I went ahead and finished the front yard. I need to get to the back yard soon but before I do, I wanted to write a little about my findings through the emails and correspondence I’m reading. There is so much information that I’m a little overwhelmed by it. A lot of stuff I didn’t even remember because it’s difficult to. ( I know – never end a sentence with a preposition – please give me some writer’s leeway.)

The earliest correspondence I have is on July 10, 2003. Evidence from the email shows that I had been in contact with Michele prior to this, however, I don’t have any actual hard copy of that. I copy part of it below. It shows my state of mind during this time.

Hey Michele,
You know what really hacks me off? I’ve been getting lots of pictures from so many people about the reunion and so many of them look like everyone had such a great time. But I feel like ASIJ and my memories of it are sooooo over burdened by the experience I had with Mr. J that I can’t and never will enjoy those memories.
It’s like I was robbed of my childhood and now am still robbed of it as an adult. My relationships with my classmates are very superficial. Even some who know about what happened seem to discount it and try to act like it was no big deal. Even I’m trying to do that.

It takes too much energy to relate to people like that. I find myself not interested in those superficial relationships. But yet I know I have to have them to relate to people all through out life.

I love those pictures you sent me, too. In fact, the gentleness and tenderness they depict reflect my feelings about you. You are very special to me and you always will be. Keep me posted.
Janet

Michele's response sheds interesting light on different things. I’m not going to post her correspondence to me verbatim but just summarize it as there are personal things in there that I don’t feel are my place to share. However, pertaining to this discussion, I will share those things.

Michele went to the reunion in San Francisco in order to find out if some memories she began having were valid. She began having memories of things about a year before and “was trying so hard to try to remember if (IT) really happened or not, and I thought coming to the ASIJ reunion would help me recover my lost mind.” She approached the former ASIJ principle (early 70’s) and thought he might help her but after her attempt to even great him casually and joke with him he, “blanched stiffly and moved away, clearly uncomfortable and anxious to get away from me.“

She goes on to talk about how she arrived in the “groupies” category of Mr. J. Evidently, she was in the guidance counselor’s office crying and Mr. J “laid eyes on the 12 year old me and called my mother, inviting me to Miyake. I spent every summer and school holiday there till I graduated from high school.”

She speaks of one young girl who used to go out to Miyake alone without anyone else. She would cry before she went, telling her friends she didn’t want to go, but they never discussed why. “Who knew at age 12?”

Day Thirty-two - Dreaded File

2009-10-09T06:10:00.000-07:00

I found the file. Heading to the beach.

Day Thirty One-“There are no shortcuts to healing.” Quoted on Fox News by the mother of Rachell Scott, 1st fatal victim of Columbine shootings.

2009-10-08T19:55:00.000-07:00

After the reunion in June, Michele and I began corresponding by email. One thing we were curious about was what Mr. J was doing in 2003. All we did was google his name and we found out that he was running a camp through-out Japan for children in middle school and junior high school. Same age group as us back in the 1970's. Again, I don't know if I would have done anything on my own. But, with Michele's determination I didn't have any where to go but forward. Not knowing the circumstances of Mr. J's involvement with the children, we were committed to making sure we protected any child from potentially or possibly already being hurt by him. What choice did we have? If we are yelling foul and creating such a big deal about what happened to us as children, do we not have the same obligation to protect those who are possibly being subjected to the same? If we did nothing, we become the people we loath.

During this time - not sure of the exact date - I sent out a letter to people I knew and asked them to forward it. This was in the late summer or early fall of 2003. The letter is included below. Around the same time, Michele sent out her own, but similar letter.

This letter began circulating via email:

Dear _______,

As I fondly look over each yearbook from my past junior high and high school years in Japan, I search hungrily to see a life of joyous memories. I see faces reminding me of people who brought laughter and excitement. Only now, knowing that those same faces were going through pains and suffering I could not comprehend being just a child.

This summer, as I attended the centennial celebration of the american school I went to in Japan, my hopes were to recapture many of the lost times I had there. I wanted to relive my time as a child. I wanted to recall fond memories I had during that time of my life. Life was hard enough, growing up in a foreign country, not knowing what country or culture I belonged to, much less having to go through the normal stages of growth, adolescence, rebellion, etc. My desires of reconnecting were met to a certain degree, but not as much as I had hoped. Those who suffer through the sexual abuse in the hands of a trusted teacher, as I did, rarely are able to capture the splendor and joyous memories of those times.

I still look at my yearbooks, hoping to find some kind of understanding of who I am and why I was subjected to such molestation. I read things that bring back memories of fun and joy and childish behavior. Many mentions of the “nunies” running through the golf course after the musical bring back such wonderful memories of folly; ones that I haven’t even thought of until now. If you weren’t one of us, you won’t understand. I also remember, painfully, being labeled “TH and H” during my 7th grade year. The acronym stands for “totally helpless and hopeless”. Which, a child being molested by a “loving and caring” teacher, understandable would be labeled.

Thus the purpose of this letter. 30 years ago for 3 years I was subject to the sexual abuse of a teacher who provided “nurture and care” to students from an American school located in Tokyo, Japan. For much of the year he lived on a farm on an island off the Tokyo Bay. This teacher used his influence and charisma to persuade parents to allow their young, vulnerable female children to attend his “educational” farm, all the while, using this as bait to lure young girls into his den of molestation. I was one of those young girls. From the time I was eleven until I was fourteen, I was subjected to sexual abuse by this teacher. The molestation was not limited to his farm on this island but also extended to his local home near the school.

In June of 1990 we had a small reunion for the classes of the era of the 1970’s. One of the things we were celebrating was the memories of teachers and their roles in our lives. This teacher was nominated as one of the “favorite” teachers of this decade. I quietly but firmly voiced my concern to the reunion committee and they withdrew his name from the nominations. I believe that the school was privy to this information. To my knowledge, nothing was done to distance or divorce the school from this teacher at that time. Subsequently, in the year 2000, in the privacy of my home, I received an email soliciting funds for this teacher due to a disaster that occurred on this island and his home. My initial response was to request a withdrawal of the correspondence from the originator of this email. When my request was denied I decided to contact the school.

In the fall of 2000, I wrote a letter to the headmaster of this school describing the history of my abuse by this teacher. I requested that the school get involved in stopping this correspondence requesting funds from the alumni and I also requested that the school take every measure to divorce itself from this man. After sending the letter I did not receive notice from the school. I contacted the headmaster once again and he acknowledged receiving the letter. That was the last written or verbal correspondence I received from the school regarding this issue.

This summer, when I attended the centennial celebration of this school on the West Coast, I was once again subjected to the classic, “head in sand syndrome”. A book, written about the history of the school, praised this teacher and regarded him as a wonderful asset to this school’s history. For those who experienced his “under the cover methods”, I seriously doubt they would consider him praise worthy but as a man who was much more than just a tainted memory.

Up until July of 2003, I was under the impression that this former teacher was retired and living with his family in the Philippines. However, since the reunion, I have been made aware that this man is still working with children. He had developed another “educational program” designed for children. Adults need not apply. “Some adults will also be considered for inclusion.” Quote from his web site.

As a result of this new information, I have decided that to sit idly by waiting for the next young girl to be molested by this man would make me as guilty as he. If only someone would have stopped him before I was subjected to three years of his sexual abuse, then surely I wouldn’t be writing this letter. My purpose is twofold: 1) to do whatever is in my power to make sure no other child will be subjected to his molestation by stopping his work with children 2) To connect with others that have been subjected to his molestation and to continue the road to healing.

If you or someone you know has been subjected to his abuse in any form, and you would like to make sure no one else has to live with this horrible tragedy, please let me know by emailing me at janet@calcote.com . I will do my best to keep this information confidential and will not use it in anyway without permission of the person who sent it. I have been keeping it quiet for 30 years, it will not be difficult to do it longer.

However, more and more people are exposing this man for who he is. I have connected with several people who have suffered under the abuse of this man and I believe the list will grow. If you would like to join with us in this process I thank you. If you were molested by this man but are not in a place where you feel secure enough to share with others, please do not feel guilty or sorry about it. Your time will come when you can heal through this and my prayer is that you will not do it alone.

My strength during this time has come from family members who have supported me throughout my entire life, but mostly from a loving heavenly Father who loves me more than anyone else could. Without the nurture and care of God, I would have surely died.

Your friend and classmate,

Janet Calcote Simmons
janet@calcote.com

Day Thirty - The dreaded drawer

2009-10-07T20:30:00.000-07:00

So I opened the dreaded drawer. The file is gone. I don't know where it is. I looked through my closet. I looked everywhere I thought it would be. I'm a little dazzled and confused. Don't know where to go with this.

I was certain it was in this specific drawer.

Maybe so, maybe not.

Day Thirty - "That's a tall order. Not so tall that you can't reach." Life of Pi

2009-10-07T05:38:00.000-07:00

I don't know if you ever read the book Life of Pi by Yann Martel. It is an adventure fiction novel written about a young boy from India who ended up stranded on a small boat after the ship he was on wrecked. He and a tiger both travel and survive for over 200 days on the water. It's a book about his spiritual journey through life. He ends up in the States. I just found it interesting. "That's a tall order. Not so tall that you can't reach." Life of Pi

Well, that's how I'm feeling right now. That's a tall order. I've been reading through many of the emails and coorespondence from 2003 and it's not easy going back to that time. I don't know what would have happened had Michele not gone to the reunion. I probably would have laughed at the book - like we did - scoffed at the out-going administration of the school and prayed a prayer of thanksgiving for the new administration coming in not having to deal with this. The problem is, though, if it had not been dealt with then, it would have come out some time.

For Michele, her memories started coming back later in her life. For me, I always had my memories but just decided to try and get by minimal confrontation or exposition. Michele has her own story and I won't even attempt to tell it. First because it's not my place, second because there is a lot of her story I don't know because it's not my story. But, she was on a mission at the reunion, to find out what happened 30 years before. Imagine not remembering everything that happened but starting to get glimpses of it, trying to find anyone who could help bring back memories of the past. You have to get to a certain place in your life in order to do that. And for Michele this part began at the 2003 reunion.

After the reunion, we spent a little time in the area and then headed home. Michele and I agreed to continue communicating via email and phone. If my memory serves me it was several weeks before we communicated. I wasn't sure what the next steps were going to be but I knew that what ever it was, I was going on the scariest ride of my life.

"Speaking of a zoo. It was a huge zoo, spread over numberless acres, big enough to require a train to explore it, though it seemed to get smaller as I grew older, train included. Now it's so small it fits in my head." Life of Pi

Day Twenty-nine - Thumb Drive - Continuation of 100 Anniversary of ASIJ

2009-10-05T16:03:00.000-07:00

I have or had two thumb drives. Both had information on them pertaining to this journey. The one that had the most information on it was stolen out of my office. Unfortunately, I lost all that information, however, the other thumb drive had about 25 files on it so I downloaded those and printed them off and am in the process of going through them as well as the dreaded file.

The dreaded file contains a lot of information. I'm really glad I printed off all of that information. I did it so I could share it with the attorneys. I'm sure it's in disarray so I need to organize it to get a better picture of what transpired. This weekend I plan to go to Dauphin Island by myself(in the Gulf of Mexico) where we have a fish camp and go through all this stuff. Hopefully, I'll get it in order and can write about it after that. But in the meantime, I'll go forward with my memories and write more that way.

After Michele and I were re-introduced at the 2003 reunion, every hope I had for the reunion went down the tube. I really wanted to have a normal reunion, where friends got together, went down memory lane and really just have a good time. You know, this should have been taken care of a long time ago. I shouldn't have had to suffer again in 2003 and go through all this stuff again. Why didn't someone take care of this before, when it was first reported. And through this process, I found out that it had been reported long before I entered the picture.

Another consequence of this being brought up again at this reunion was that I felt alienated from many of my friends. Again, I started feeling that desperate feeling of being accepted and again I was humiliated and again I was alone. Being in this state of narcissism is really quite unhealthy. I felt like all eyes were on me and people were talking about me behind my back. It is really not a good place to be. People through out the reunion were talking about the "girls" who were molested by Mr. J. I heard that different groups were talking about it and even found out that the new headmaster had been given a heads up about it. Can you imagine entering a new job and this is the first thing you have to face? I recall hearing that one ASIJ alum approached the new headmaster to tell him that this was the topic of conversation around the Centennial celebration. At this point I felt so exposed and scared.

I do remember looking at the previous administrator in the face and really feeling contempt for him. I'm not sure that is even a strong enough word. He was moving on to another school, knew all this had happened but along with the board of directors decided not to communicate with me, brushed in under the carpet, basically act as if it didn't happen. I did find out that somewhere along the way they "dismissed" Mr. J. How this happened I don't know. I do know though that despite their "dismissal" of him they still allowed the 7th grade classes go to Miyake on their annual trip up until the volcano erupted in 2000.

I did talk with several people who told me about their experiences with Mr. J. Finally, I started realizing I wasn't alone. There were others out there who went through similar stuff. Little did I know how many people had.

One very positive memory I had was the connection with fellow MK's. You know, I love my fellow MK's as if they were my own brothers or sisters. I also felt like the older guys who were in my sister's class or around there about, were there to protect me. That felt really good.

In 2003, after the reunion, all this stuff started being circulated via email. I received support, admonition, disdain and love. It was a roller coaster of emotions. Probably, the most hurtful thing was the "friends" I thought I had in high school didn't respond, reply, call, email, comment-either negatively or positively, didn't reply to emails I sent, nothing. That was very disappointing and probably hurt the most.

Well, that's all for now.

Day Twenty-eight - Evening

2009-10-04T19:41:00.000-07:00

It's closing in on 10:00 p.m. It's pouring rain outside - perfect for sleeping - so I don't know how long I'll write tonight. Especially after spending all weekend stuffing closets and junk drawers and cleaning up dust bunnies.

There is a dreaded drawer with a file folder in it full of correspondence from 2003 and 2004. You see, my computer that housed all the emails and correspondence from that time crashed, however, I printed off a lot of the emails and stored them in a file folder. I haven't opened that folder in five years. That dreaded folder is the next step. I'll attempt to open it this week. But, before I do I feel I must response to several emails, comments, etc., I received this weekend. I have attempted to reply on the actual comments, but I'm not sure anybody goes to the comments, only me, so I don't think anyone who is posting on the comments is getting my reply, so I decided to reply directly in my blog to the comments. You will find that I will start my blog with responses first and then continue into the story.

First response is to a ASIJ graduate whose parent had an association with the school. Listed below with some personal editing to protect the identity of this person is the email I received.

"I happened to land on your blog a few weeks ago because I subscribe to Google Alerts with the keyword "ASIJ". I have always been heavily involved with ASIJ.

To be honest, my first reaction to seeing your blog was... "What if new families that goto to ASIJ see this blog...Won't it hurt ASIJ's name? Won't it give ASIJ a bad rep?" but as I read through, now I am glad you are writing this blog because you are bringing light to an issue which, for me, has been a mystery for a long time.
When the school originally "banned" the ASIJ Centennial Book, I was confused to why they did...I remember one summer all the books from the Centennial were taken to the trash...

and now, you are shedding light to the "other side". Its been this untalked about secret at ASIJ...when people ask about it, I feel that the school kind of avoids the topic...I guess its bad publicity, I know... I mean.. having a pedophile teacher? What if the Japanese Media got a hold of this story...

Anyways, I just wanted to share my appreciation for you sharing your story."

My initial reaction to the beginning of this email without reading all the way through was to raise my eyebrows and the hair on the back of my neck. Sort of the way a dog does when he detects danger. But, as I read on, I realized that this person was processing a little of his/her own feelings about the truth coming out. Do you see how permeating this philosophy is in our society? The idea is to protect the guilty, and vilify the innocent. We all struggle with it, even if we aren't the person who was abused. In a sense, we all are prey.

Other responses to comments/emails:

One writer corrected the reunion status and reminded me that it was not the 75 anniversary in San Francisco but the Centennial celebration at the Miyako Hotel in Japantown. Oh, I remember something funny that happened while we were at the reunion. My sister and I (and our husbands) stayed at the Holiday Inn a few blocks around the corner from the Miyako Hotel. I want to say it was because we waited too long to make reservations at the Miyako so they were all booked. Plus, my brother-in-law had points with the Holiday Inn so it was convenient for us to stay there. One night, my sister and I wanted to stay late talking to friends and our husbands wanted to go back to the hotel. So, they left and we stayed. Later, my sister and I caught a cab to the Holiday Inn because it was really late and we didn't think it was safe to walk. Our cab driver just happened to be a Japanese guy and as we started to give him directions, he was shocked. We had a great conversation with him and enjoyed telling him he was the gaijin.

Another memory I have about the reunion is that one night late - it may have been the same night as the previous story - the phone in our room rang. It was my buddies from high-school who were also staying in the same hotel. They wanted me to come down and party with them. Had my husband not been with me I probably would have gone.....It's probably a good thing my husband was with me.

Another person asked about whether or not I had begun the process of forgiveness. Hopefully, as you are reading you can pick up on the fact that I have gone through a great deal of forgiveness. I don't think you can talk about stuff like this without going through forgiveness. I write about my life as it was, not as it is now. My mom died in 2004 - I will write about that later - but my dad is still living and we now have a really great relationship. We can talk frankly with each other, we debate political issues, we disagree on a lot of things, but I know my dad loves me and he has also gone through his own personal journey and has been able to get to a point of forgiving himself and allowing God's grace and mercy to cover everything else.

I also know that I'm not the greatest parent of them all. In fact, I have a great deal of flaws. I have made stupid mistakes with my kids. We've had our share of struggles, but as my favorite teacher, Steve Brown, says, "I will never write a book on how to parent, because I don't know how. But I do know that if my kids KNOW that I love them, then that is really what matters." I'm banking on that.

Another writer responded to the post about Japanese men and their inappropriate behavior especially on the train during rush hour. She shared her humiliation as the Japanese would grope her in a crowded train. I remember one time grabbing the hand of a man who was groping me on the train and lifting it up and saying, "Dare no te deska." Translated - "Whose hand is this?" In Japan, this public revelation was quite humiliating.

Another person responded to the "Maybe So or Maybe Not" post. You know things aren't always as they appear. Reality sometimes comes from the opposite direction. It makes me think of the story of Joseph. Ask me and I'll tell you about it.

One response talks about bad memories of moving back to the states. It was difficult sharing our heritage. We were/are fully American and fully Japanese. What a weird combination. Life on furlough and even after high school was difficult.

Another wrote that he/she has a slightly different story of the shrine. I'd love to hear it. My recollection is that the story had more detail.

Another person asked about forgiveness. This also reminds me of the sermon this morning. Our associate pastor preached on the use of the tongue. That resonated with me because even though I'm not speaking these words, it is still the my responsibility to be careful how I write and who I write about. I would love to hear your thoughts about that.

But back to forgiveness. I have and had forgiven Mr. J for what he did to me. I have also forgiven my parents for not protecting me. I'm not sure I have fully forgiven the administrators of the school, parents and teachers who knew but didn't do anything, and others who want me to keep this suppressed. They are probably the most difficult to forgive. It's all about progress, protecting the reputation of the school or even yourself for being a coward for not telling. This is hard stuff.

Ok. I think I have responded to all the comments and emails. Please continue to write. I will have to soon open the dreaded drawer...................

Day Twenty-eight - I think

2009-10-04T05:02:00.000-07:00

I have received many notes of encouragement and comments on my posts. Thanks to all of you who are supporting my efforts in this. I want to remind those of you who are commenting anonymously. If you sign your name to an anonymous post, it's not longer anonymous because everybody can read a comment. If you would prefer to just write me privately, you can do so by emailing me at: janet@calcote.com. Also, I respond to most if not all posts through the comment box. So please go back and review the comments if you want to read my reply. You can also get on facebook and "friend" me and read it there. Okay, enough housekeeping.

I really was hoping I would have a lot of time to write last night but ended up going to bed early after a long day of working on stuffing closets and filling junk drawers in anticipation of about 40 people coming to my house tonight. We are hosting an Open House for Catholic High School (the school my youngest two boys attend). No, I didn't convert to Catholicism. In Baton Rouge if you don't put your kids in a private school, it's difficult to get a decent education.

So this mornings post will be short. My husband and I were talking yesterday and he asked me about where I was in life when all this began. We've talked about this before but not to this detail. So I thought I should give him some kind of an idea about my state of mind starting in 1968. As I mentioned before, in 1968 we left Nagoya and came back to the States on furlough. Our family usually went to Mississippi because that was where my Dad's family lived. We visited Louisiana (my Mom's home) but for some reason we didn't live there. We moved to a small town in Mississippi called Yazoo City. I was going into the fifth grade. Several things happened to me that year.

First, the school enrolled me into a remedial class. Why? I guess they thought that because we came from Japan, I had no understanding or comprehension of the English language or any other subject. After several days somebody (my parents? the principal?) realized that my comprehension was much greater than they could have imagined - amazing - so they transferred me to the regular fifth grade class but not without a chastisement from the teacher. She was one of those old bitty teachers that had to get in the last word. "I better not hear about you misbehaving or slipping in that class. Otherwise, I'll have you transferred back to my class." It was like she had some ownership and was incensed that I would leave her class. Unreal. You would think she would want children to transfer out of her class.

Another event occurred the day I got new glasses. My parents took me out of school that day and when I returned I wore a pair of cat eye blue and white checkered thick coke bottle bottom glasses. I was the laughing stock of the class. I was completely humiliated. I also remember that I was desperate to be liked by the cool kids. As with most kids that age, I wanted to be cool, too. Some of the girls I hung with would take me to their secret hide out where we would look at Playboy and Playgirl magazines. One of the girl's smoked, too, I think. I don't remember much more about that year. We left Yazoo City to return to Nagoya the summer of 1969. I went back to NIS for one year and got into a little trouble there because I was trying to, again, hang with the cool kids. I remember really hurting one girl in our class by ridiculing her mother and calling her names. What a mean girl I was.

We stayed in Nagoya until 1970 when we moved to Tokyo because of my rebellious sisters and their actions that caused the dorm to shut down. (Actually - that's not true but it's fun to accuse them of such power.)

During this time, my parents were concentrating on their own stuff. Furlough is huge to them because it's not just a time of family gatherings and reunions but more working to gain support. The Southern Baptist missionaries did not have to raise their own support, however, they did have to go from church to church speaking about their experiences on the mission field, all the while dragging us "little missionaries" to each event, putting us on display for the whole world to see. So while we seemed to be in the "spot light" we were only there as props to be shown off. This wasn't the kind of attention any kid wants. Also, their minds were on their own reputation so our actions were always sifted through the filter of, "will this help our taint my (our) reputation as missionaries." I think this is another reason why it has taken me so long to share this story. Also, during my sixth grade year at NIS my parents were dealing with the problems in Tokyo, the dorm and more older two sisters. There was not much focus on me. Then when we moved to Tokyo, they were angry that they had to leave their work in Nagoya and the focus was on my oldest sister and her struggles so I didn't get much attention then.

So three moves in three years and those years from me were when I was nine, ten and eleven. Three schools in three years as well. As we (my husband and me) talked about this yesterday and really dug into what humiliation and desperate need for acceptance I experienced during those years,my husband stated that, through some of his own personal stuff he has processed, one of his counselors said to him that when a child experiences difficult things during those pre-pubescent years it really sets them up for problems later. So, all you parents who have children that haven't quite made it to adolescence, listen up - talk to them, spend time with them, listen to them and most surely love them.

See you guys later on tonight.

Day Twenty-six - Maybe seven - Back to San Francisco Reunion

2009-10-02T20:36:00.000-07:00

Alright, so I'm tired and don't edit very well. When I use "their" instead of "there" please swap words for me. Back home from ANOTHER football game. Fortunately, my sixteen year old son did get to play tonight. Yea, Go Bears!! Football is not a pretty game anyway you slice it. For those of you following my youngest (fourteen) son's injury last night - when we spent 5 hours in the emergency room - he is doing well. Probably will be back playing next week. Yikes.

I hope you enjoyed memories of the shrine story that I posted this morning. Or was it last night? I can't remember. That was fun. Listening to Mr. J tell the shrine story and challenging us to walk to the shrine, alone. I didn't make it the first time, or the second. It took me several times before I got up the nerve to go.

I remember when my oldest son, now 27, was a cub-scout and I was the "Cub master" I revised the shrine story and told it to a group of scouts one night at a camporee. They believed me and I had parents the next day telling me that their boys didn't sleep the entire night. It was great!!

I hope you enjoyed that memory. Isn't it interesting that amidst the abuse there are good memories? I guess that is what makes it so difficult to disseminate.

Okay, back to the reunion in San Francisco. My brother-in-law was engaged in the picture taking of each of the classes. When the class of 1973 or 1974 came into the room he evidently ran across this woman who was asking some questions about the past. I don't know exactly what she was asking, but what ever it was prompted my brother-in-law to come find me. When he came and got me and said, "Come, there is someone I think you need to meet.", I went. When he put this woman together with me I instantly recognized her. It was Michele Conner. The then girl who helped me and let me put my futon next to hers. That was when the abuse stopped.

Michele and I began talking and I reminded her that I had approached her during the reunion in Long Beach in 1990 and she admitted that she didn't remember that I had talked to her. That night, Michele and I began a long journey together.

The rest of the reunion was smothered in memories of Mr. J and the abuse he imposed upon, not only me but others. Up to this point I had no knowledge that anybody else had been molested. I only knew that I had been. I heard rumors that there were others but I didn't pursue it. Michele's memories only helped to solidify At this point, she was on a mission. And by association, I was on one with her.

Day Twenty Six - Tired but resolved

2009-10-02T03:47:00.000-07:00

Something strange is going on. Yesterday afternoon I got home and decided to write a little bit before the kids got home from football practice. We had college night at the River Center and I knew we wouldn't be home very long. I wrote two paragraphs and got a call from the football trainer/orthopedist saying that my youngest son got hurt. He was going for a tackle and put his head down - evidently you are supposed to do that in football - and went helmet to helmet with the other guy. He hurt his neck and as precautionary steps I took him to get an x-ray/ct scan. Etc. All the scans came back normal - thank God and thank you to all who prayed and communicated to us in the emergency room. He'll have to sit out for a few days but back in a few to get brutalized again, I'm sure. Whew!! This football stuff is crazy.

When the call came in, I was in the middle of writing Day Twenty Five. I didn't get to finish it and so I saved it. Well, somehow it got published to Facebook (but not to my blog) without it being finished and it had a tag line on it that I had not put on there. Weird. Anyway, I'm going forward from yesterday by copying the shrine story below. Sorry about the confusion.

The story of the shrine at Miyakejima - as told by a classmate who I didn't really know very well. Based upon her communications with me, I get the feeling we would be good friends now. Thanks for sharing.

"Jack would tell this story as if it were true.Long ago in old Japan, when an older person felt like it was time for them to die, they would often simply leave their families and wander off into the woods or head to the mountains and find a spot where death could claim them and they wouldn’t be a burden to their families.

Many years ago, on the island of Miyake, an old woman wandered off alone.Several weeks later, a young man was found dead on the steps of the shrine at Miyakejima. Oddly, he had scratch marks on him. His body was on the fourth step of the fourth flight of stairs leading up to the shrine. (There were seven flights of seven steps.) Four, in Japanese, also means death.

His friend found his body, and was shocked and appalled. Who or what could have done this? He decided to camp out one night on the fourth step of the fourth flight of stairs, to see for himself. He went to the shrine and sat on the step, and waited and waited. Finally, around midnight, he heard a slow whistling that rose and then fell. [You have to do the whistle thing here.]

Before long, he saw a ghostly old woman with straggly hair and long fingernails and eyes like hot coals, and the whistling, louder and louder, coming right at him!So he ran off, as fast as he could!

At this point, Jack would switch on the lights and ask who wanted to go to the shrine and replace the wooden spoon he had placed on the fourth step of the fourth flight of stairs with a metal one. If you did this, you got to write your name in a special book, AND if you didn’t, you really couldn’t run for class office or expect to do anything else important for the rest of your life. (Editors note: This sentence is probably my favorite.)

I was the first one in my group to do it, because I knew my older brothers would be waiting for me back in Tokyo, saying, “Dja go to the shrine?! Dja go to the shrine?”"

For those who didn't read through the entire blog, this is relating to previous posts on Day Five towards the end and Day Fifteen - Diving Back In.

It is now eight hours after I got back home from spending five hours in the emergency room. I have to be at work this morning at 7:00 so I shall end now and hopefully get some time to write tonight.

Day Twenty Five - A little digression before I go forward

2009-10-01T14:39:00.000-07:00

I received an email today from my friend, Michele Connor. The reason I'm using her name is because she told me I could. If you go back to Day Fifteen and read about the girl who let me put my futon next to hers, that was Michele Connor. If you go back to Day Eighteen - Long Beach Reunion you will also find her there. It is to my friend and protector, Michele Connor, that I say, "Thank you for holding my hand." I will be talking more about Michele as the story progresses. I will say one more thing about her, however, I don't think she really understands what she did that night when she said, "Janet, you can sleep by me tonight."

I also received several other emails recalling specific things and people who were with me during the barbecue and other times. Another classmate sent me the shrine story. Her recollection of it is not only good but quite humorous. I copy it below.

Day Twenty-four - Going forward - ASIJ 75 Anniversary

2009-09-30T19:32:00.000-07:00

As I continue to write, my thoughts about going forward become a little more fearful. The reason is that everything I experienced with Mr. J as an eleven, twelve and thirteen year old pales to what I experienced as a forty-four year old. And you wonder why it took so long for the young men who were abused by their priests (almost God himself) to finally come out and tell. So sad. Don't tell........

In June of 2003, ASIJ hosted the 75 year anniversary of the school in SanFrancisco, California. My husband and I attended with my oldest sister and her husband. We were pumped. I was so excited about connecting with old friends. I thought that because of all the information I had given the school, Mr. J was in the past and I wouldn't have to worry about anything associated with him. Because it was a very broad reunion, alumni from every year and age were there. I think there were over 1000 people there but I can't remember precisely.

Can you imagine an American School from another country bringing together that many people? It was incredible. I think the spouses of alumni were completely overwhelmed that we could bring together that many people at a high school reunion. That shows the bond, passion and love people had for this school. As an aside, I have never attended any of my college reunions. There is just something about high school. As my two youngest children experience high school, I hope I can recognize the importance of that in their lives. For some reason, we want to prove ourselves to our high-school class mates. Maybe it's because we were all in such a vulnerable state, going through puberty, competing with classmates in sports, popularity, looks, academics, and many other things. High school is where we prove ourselves. It's an interesting phenomena.

What happens after you attend a high school reunion? Doesn't everybody say, "Wow, did you see how great so and so looks? He/she was so fat but lost so much weight." "Man, blank looks so old. He's bald. What happened? Or she's bald. Yikes." "I never expected so and so to be soooo successful." "Wow, and to think he was the quarter back." And on and on we evaluated everyone based upon our thoughts about them from high school. We also evaluate ourselves based upon that. Don't we want to look our best? Don't we want to say we've moved mountains and cured cancer? Don't we want to be recognized as the "most successful" and not the "most likely to fail"? We talk about whale watching in the northern Pacific, deep sea fishing in the Gulf of Mexico, traversing the highest mountains in Austria, landing the most lucrative deal in all of American history. We all compete for recognition. We all compete for acceptance. We all want to be the "best" unless we aren't and then we criticize those who have made it to the top. Wow, lots of philisophical stuff. Maybe it's the red wine talking...... I told you before I like red wine. Particularly a nice 1995 Liberty School Cabernet. Okay - sorry - so I digress - my oldest sister can relate.

Okay - I've been busy catching up on facebook and got sidetracked. Alrighty then. (No, I'm not an Ace Ventura fan - even though everyone of my kids can recite verbatim the lines in the movie.) I'm really getting off track......sometimes humor can cure all illnesses.

Back to 2003. We arrived in San Francisco to attend the reunion. I can't remember the sequence but while we were there we visited Sonoma Valley and the many of the wineries there and in between. Remember I like red wine. We didn't make it to Napa, which I believe, produces some of the best Cabernets. It also is home to the remake of Parent Trap and Dennis Quaid - swooooooooon.

I had visited Carmel during one of our furloughs and so we did go south to Carmel for a day - too short. Carmel is probably one of the most beautiful places I have visited. Would love to spend some time there one day. My daughter and son-in-law went to Carmel for their honeymoon. Wish I could be there.

Okay - back to the reunion. On the first day of the reunion the class of 1976 planned to connect at a blues/jazz bar in San Francisco. We also invited anybody else who wanted to join us to come. I remember being scared, anticipating seeing old friends I had not seen for years. I was with my husband and sister and her husband. We arrived and as we entered started seeing people we knew. It was fabulous. I loved seeing old friends, old boy friends, old girl friends. It was what I had imagined seeing people for the first time after high-school would be like. We talked, laughed, drank, shared, laughed, talked, drank - you get the picture. It was great!!

After meeting at the club, we all proceeded to go to the hotel where the reunion was to be held. I can't even remember the name because we actually didn't stay in the same hotel. There were massive amounts of people at the hotel. We registered and after registration decided to see the extra things available for purchase at the registration table. We stumbled across the book, written by one of the former headmaster's called, "The American School in Japan: A history of our first century." Of course, because of the radar in my mind caused by the three years of abuse (need I remind you),I immediately went to see if there was mention of Mr. J in there. Of course there was. But rather than down play his successes in Marine Biology or his contribution to the school, there was an entire chapter dedicated to him. To me, it was as if he was the king of ASIJ.

My sister, her husband, my husband and I began reading the chapter about Mr. J and Miyake. My husband, who has a good sense of humor, began adding after each sentence or name the words "child molester" or "pedophile". It really was quite a humorous read. We got a pretty good laugh at it. I guess that was the way I was going to get through the next few days.

Alright - I'm feeling that some of you aren't sure why this was such a big deal. For those of you who can't understand this yet.... I want you to imagine if this were your daughter. How would you respond? Would you defend her? Would you try to cover up the truth?

Quite frankly, I was disappointed but not surprised. After thirty three years of expecting people and institutions to change I don't know why I expected change when it had not happened before. What cowards! (Oh - you don't like that description of yourself.) Of course, I did not purchase a book. Hind site being twenty twenty I now wish I had - because I could then share with you the sickening eulogies being attributed to this celebrated child molester.

All of this happened in what seemed a whirlwind. We descended down to the area designated for our reunion, connecting to friends along the way. It was exciting, scary and electrifying. Many of the alumni were being summoned to take pictures with their class. I think they started back in the 1930's or 1940's and moved forward. Quite impressive. As they moved up the years, more and more people gathered to capture their class photo. My brother-in-law got caught up in the picture taking process and began participating in the banter consistent with this environment.

All of a sudden, he appeared out of nowhere and said to me, "Come, there is someone you have to meet." (My brother-in-law didn't attend ASIJ - although being a military brat, he knew quite a few ASIJ graduates. He hung out at the "coffee shop" with a lot of ASIJ students. That's where he met my sister.) My response was to follow him. We went into the photo room while the class of 1973 or 1974 was posing for the photo. He said, "You have to talk to this girl. She's asking a lot of questions. I think you might can answer some of them."

Day Twenty four - Few more thoughts about responsibity

2009-09-30T18:49:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I wrote about lessons learned. Those lessons weren't actually stated to us, but more implied. We weren't told that it was all our responsibility, we were told that "men can't help themselves." These "lessons" told me that if I was not being pursued by a man, then something was wrong with me. With these lessons and the sexual abuse my entire sexual psyche was screwed up.

I also shared with you that I could finally tell my parents when I was 36 years old. Why did it take so long? I had anticipated their response. I had to get to a place where I was strong enough to take their response. It pains me to say this in writing because my dad has changed (my mom died in 2004) and is willing to accept his responsibility in this, but often times when we had an issue with someone the first thing my dad would ask was, "What did you do to cause this to happen to you?" Now, to be sure, he DID NOT ask me that when I told them about the sexual abuse. What he did say though was that he was proud of me for being strong and seeing that I had forgiven and "gotten over" the pain and suffering. I don't think he knew what he was saying. I don't really remember my Mom's reaction. What I really wanted them to say was, "Where is that bastard? I'll kill him." But I knew that wasn't going to be the response so I had to be okay with that.

Later, my mom mentioned that Daddy didn't understand - or couldn't understand - something like that. But, even after I told them I don't think they really understood - or maybe they didn't want to understand - because it meant they had to look at their own involvement or lack there of - in my life. But for me, just telling them was very significant. It meant that I could handle their rejection - if that's what they gave me, which they didn't. It meant that I was strong enough to hear - "what did you do to bring this on?" - which I didn't. It meant that I was strong enough to stand up against other people who would make me feel inferior, or shaking up the apple cart, or those who want to suppress the truth. It showed me that I was finally strong.

I plan on continuing to write tonight, however, would like to post this separately because I'm going to go in a different direction.

Day Twenty Three - Tired - Short post

2009-09-29T19:03:00.000-07:00

Sometime around the summer of 1994 , my oldest brother and two sisters and I met at my parent's house in Mississippi. It was a great time. I don't recall any of our spouses being there except my soon to be sister-in-law. While mother and daddy kept the kids, we drove over to Natchez to visit with my cousin, Willie Ray Huff. At the time he was the sheriff of Natchez, Mississippi. If you were to characterize a Mississippi sheriff, my cousin would be it. His tall and broad stature shadowed the doorway as we entered the sheriff's office.

We had such a great time on the drive over. I remember joking about Mississippi and the stereotypical person who grew up in Mississippi. While driving we took in the beauty of the land and the culture of the state. Although our parents grew up in the south, this was still even foreign land to us.

During the time with our parents a lot of complicated stuff was discussed. We spoke of the difficult transitions each of us made into the States. My older brother shared about his arrival in America with a trunk of possesions and no money. Like me, he was young and vulnerable. We talked of being third culture kids, not being able to call anywhere home. Japan was where we grew up, but the reality was that, although we grew up there it wasn't our home. Even the monkeys starred at us. But niether was America our home. We didn't belong really anywhere.

Yet, we had a strange confidence about us. One American spouse of a fellow MK (missionary kid) identified it as "covert superiority". My brother described it as having the kings privelages with a paupers salary. When we traveled we traveled first class. Not necessarily by plane but traveling on the President Lines (cruise ships across the Pacific with a stop in Hawaii) for two weeks on a cruise, really didn't do us good. Having our own private server, being able to order what we wanted to eat, be treated like kings and enjoying all the privelages of the rich did cause us as children to expect that later in life. What we didn't realize was the privelages we had were way beyond our reality. But somehow it became our reality. Thus the "covert superiority". Others could describe it better than that.

Another reality was this: most of our parents had, not only a college degree, but a post secondary degree. Not just our fathers but our mothers as well. Not many people raised in the 60's and 70's had parents with college degrees much less both parents with post secondary degrees. That affected our attitude.

So, we struggled with being accepted yet we had a "covert superiority" about us. What gives? ( I think that was a phrase penned during the 80's)

It was during this weekend that I finally had the courage to tell my parents about Mr. J. The reason it took so long was because I had anticipated their response. I was ready to accept that they might make me responsible for his actions. Because, you see, men can't help themselves.

One of the lessons we were taught as young girls was that boys/men think about sex every 9 seconds. Because men think about sex so often, it is the responsibility of the girls to remain stoic and pure. I don't quite agree with that lesson. It' s not my responsibility to keep a man pure. I do agree that girls do need to be careful with their suggestive clothing etc. however, I don't think it's all on the girls. Men have at least equal responsibility or more. That was not the lesson we were taught.

Day Twenty-two - Miyake Volcano

2009-09-28T18:21:00.001-07:00

Need I mention Roman Polanski? Thirty years ago, at 44, he raped a 13 year old girl . She is now 43. I wonder where she is in her life? Can she comfortably speak with people about this? Every time he received an award it was thrown up in her face. Where are the people coming out of the wood work to protect her like they are attempting to protect him? Unbelievable!! Yes, some would say, but it was 30 years ago. Why would you continue to hold someone accountable for their behavior 30 years ago? Well come to the year 2000 - 30 years before I began my three year prison term being the target and subject of child molestation, sexual abuse, etc. At this point I still didn't realize that there were others..........

In 2000, three years after we moved to Alabama I was checking my email one morning and opened an email from an ASIJ alum requesting help. Anytime I saw anything regarding Japan or ASIJ I naturally was curious about what it said. As I began to read - I don't even remember what was in the subject line - I became agitated. That's probably not a strong enough word. The email, sent to numerous people, requested financial assistance to help Mr. J pay a mortgage on his Miyake Farm of $20,000. In June of 2000, the volcano on Miyake erupted and caused everyone on the island to evacuate. I don't know if Mr. J's farm actually was damaged but I know he was no longer able to maintain the farm.

I really was unsure how to handle the email. My initial response was disbelief. I couldn't believe that the school would endorse or condone this kind of request. But, at this point after previous responses or lack there of, I wasn't surprised. I didn't really know who was behind the request. I didn't know the former student who made the request but was really surprised that it would land in my mailbox. Initially, I wrote her back and requested that she pull the email and discontinue any activity of solicitation from anyone. I explained to her what had happened to me and that I was very surprised by her zealous request. Her first response to me was to confirm my fears. She said basically, "I'm sorry you experienced this but too bad. Not only am I going to help him but I'm not sure I believe you." Now, I'm not quoting exactly what she said, I'm just recalling what I perceived from her email.

Because of her sardonic response, I decided it was time to blow the top off of this. At least to me it felt like that what I was doing. I proceeded to write a letter to the then administrator of the school, I believe he was the Headmaster, sharing my story and challenging the school to stop endorsing the financial request. I mailed the letter with a return receipt attached. Weeks later I received the return receipt showing that he received the letter. I didn't hear from him or anyone from the school. I started to feel those same old shameful feelings. Why are you upsetting the apple cart, Janet? Why are you causing problems for the school? What is wrong with you? Can't you see this is all your fault? But, for whatever reason, strength from God or inner strength (which still comes from God) I persevered and decided to contact the school to see if the administrator received the letter. I wrote an email to him and waited several days for his response.

As you can imagine, everyday I would open my email expecting some kind of reply. It finally came days later. The sterile response said basically, "We received your letter and the board is reviewing it." There were no additional responses and I have no idea what happened after that. If my memory serves me correctly, I believe I heard that Mr. J was asked to leave the school sometime in the 1990's, however, I believe he still hosted the seventh grade class trip until the volcano hit in 2000. Even after the the school was notified via the reunion committee in 1990, that a student made an accusation against him, they continued to allow their children to work with him and stay in his home. Why would a school continue to harbor a known pedophile? Are you in anyway baffled about this like I am?

After the brief email, I didn't hear anything else from the school. I assumed that they would take care of the situation and that would be the end of anything regarding Mr. J and the school. Well, again I expected people to do the right thing. People don't always do the right thing. My vulnerable self still believed that people would want to do the right thing. But my skeptical self, who kept the story from anyone for years, knew better.

I don't think I received any more requests for money. I spoke with several people about the ludicrous request and was satisfied that he didn't get any money, at least not that I knew of. I did find out that he had asked this former student of his to send out a request to all the email addresses she had from the Alumni list and request money from ASIJ Alumni. What a yellow bellied coward. I could see his droopy basset hound eyes pleading with this young adherent to "please, please help me. If you don't help me I'll be ruined. I have two homes to support, one on Miyake and the other in the Philippines. I don't know what to do. Will you please help me? I'll be financially devastated. After all the good work I've done. I'll lose everything." He was very good at manipulating any situation to his benefit. Exploitation. Even this young woman was being exploited and she didn't even realize it. After I got over my own anger and disbelief at her response, I was able to see that she too had been duped by this master manipulator.

One thing I did find out during this time was that he married a very young woman (possibly in her late teens or early 20's) from Singapore. Rumor has it that she was in her mid teens when they met. The Philippines are known for exploitation of children, primarily sexually exploited children.

You can find more on the Philippines in this article:

http://www.unescap.org/esid/hds/projects/csec/pubs/philippines.pdf

I'm not sure about the accuracy of the information about his new wife, however; I know she was very young compared to his now old age. I was also told that together they had two young children, one boy and one girl. What to do with this information? Should I do anything about it? How could I do anything about it with them all the way across the world? Besides, he was old. Surely by now he was tired and didn't attempt to molest little girls, right? He also had his own young girl legally in his own home. I also started hearing "rumors" about other people having experienced similar things that I had. Who were they? Would they be willing to talk to me? So, on I went, hopeful that the school was taking care of it on their end, mildly satisfied that I had done all I could.

This was 30 years later............... I was now 41 years old.

(Next post I need to tell you about the time I told my parents. I'll digress about 5 years.)

Day Twenty-one - 1997 - 2000

2009-09-27T18:17:00.000-07:00

In 1997, we moved to Alabama with my husband's job. I was still a stay-at-home mom with kids in school, out of school, wanting to be in school and wanting to not be in school. Our kids were 15, 13, 4 and 2. Because of the space between our kids, my husband would often introduce the older two as the kids from his first wife. This caused much confusion to any one who we met because I was his first wife. Ha, ha!!

We moved into our new home that my husband purchased without me even seeing it!! Wow, a lot of people thought that was weird. But, he really did a good job in picking a house for our large family.

A lot of stuff happened that year. My father-in-law was very sick. When my husband went on the interview for the new job, my father-in-law anticipated his success. That week, my husband called to tell his dad that he was offered the job and by Saturday, my father-in-law died. It was as if he was waiting to see his son promoted. It was quite moving.

As soon as we knew we were moving, we put our house on the market. We had it listed for maybe a day and we received an offer. We sold our house for $1000 less than our asking price in about a week. It really did seem as though God had planned our move.

Because of the move and the new job, I didn't have time to keep up with email and what was going on in the world beyond us. We moved into our new home. When the movers unloaded the computer, I quickly set it up on the floor in the kitchen so I could reconnect with family, friends and the outside world.

As I started catching up on emails, I started following emails sent to my dad and forwarded on to his kids (us) regarding our house at Nojiri Lake.

For those of you who aren't familiar with Japan, Nojiri Lake is a lake surrounded by mountains, located in Nagano Prefecture north of Tokyo. Many missionaries and few business families owned or leased property and homes on the slopes of the mountain surrounding the lake. Every year we spent our vacation time at Nojiri. It was an incredible experience. We learned how to swim, sail and kiss at Nojiri. Many wonderful memories abound from that time. Our house, 49A, sat on the side of the mountain, overlooking the beautiful lake. At times, when the winds were still and the sun was out I could see a perfect reflection of the mountains and sky in the lake. It was spectacular. During the summer we would celebrate "Obon" or the remembrance of the ancestors. The people in the Japanese village across from us would place boats lit up with candles on the lake and they would float across the water, lighting up the lake in the night for a spectacular display of remembrance. Also, similar to the forth of July in the States, they would set off fire works, for what seemed like, hours and hours. It was a wonderful celebration.

Another thing that is significant about Nojiri is that for a long time there was no water or electricity connected to the homes. We had to hall water down to the house from a local spring and in order to heat up the water we used gas stoves and heaters. During the winter we used a pot bellied stove with wood. We also did not have flush toilets. We had a septic tank in the ground that was emptied once a year by the local "honey bucket truck". We bathed in the ofuro which consisted of a wooden tub capable of holding a 20o pound person without over flowing.

Before electricity, in order to keep food cold, we put it in a snow pit. The snow pit was a pit dug out of the side of the mountain next to the cabin. Every year during the winter, snow was shoveled into the pit with the expectation that the snow would last through-out the summer providing a natural refrigeration for homes on the mountain. I remember storing milk and other things in the snow pit. We would have to climb down a ladder into the pit and retrieve milk or other food from the pit. Later, when electricity was introduced and installed into the homes, the snow pit was no longer needed.

Evidently, this summer, the summer of 1997, the family that was leasing the house decided to use the old snow pit for a fire pit. They gathered up all the leaves and limbs lost during the winter and threw them into the snow pit. The dad proceeded to light the leaves and limbs on fire and burn them to get rid of the debris. After all the leaves and limbs were burned they closed the door to the snow pit, thinking that the fire was out. According to my memory, the leaves were still smoldering and the combustion from the closed door caused the snow pit to explode, catching the house on fire. Everyone except their little girl and their dog survived. She was sleeping in my bedroom closest to the snow pit. This family lost their little girl in the fire.

As I read the email describing the fire and loss of child, I began to sob. How devastating that was. Not to lose a house, but to lose a life! This loss impacted me without description. I didn't even know the young girl but felt as though I lost a sister. That memory still pierces my soul.

I thought I could get to 2000 and the volcano tonight but sleep has entered my weary eyes. I shall go forth tomorrow. Until then........

Day Twenty-one - Don't tell

2009-09-26T19:23:00.000-07:00

I continue as my cat jumps up on the desk and into my lap demanding my attention. She sometimes cradles her head in the nook of my arm to hide from any unforeseen danger. She completely trusts me. She knows I will do no harm. She knows she can count on me to protect her. I think it is interesting how animals can sense these kinds of things.

Don't tell....... So for years I didn't tell. I'm thinking now it was because of several things. First, I wanted to be accepted. Telling meant being isolated. Polar opposites. Also, I was afraid. Afraid of what? Alienation. Same thing, isolation, alienation.Afraid of being the person who rocked the boat; tainting a school and it's legacy. Afraid of being labeled a nutcase. Afraid of being looked upon as soiled goods. And most afraid of not being believed, not only from people in general but from friends and especially my own family.

Just last week, my dad, sister and I met in Mississippi to conduct some legal business. While my sister and I visited my dad different stuff came up about our past. I was teasing my dad about criticizing me during high-school about my weight - I was always on a diet!! My dad proceeded to talk about how I dressed in junior high and high school and how inappropriate it was. I think we all dressed pretty similarly, but primarily it was the mini skirts, the mid-drifts and the bare backs. For once, when this subject was brought up I was able to reply with, "Daddy, You have to remember where I was during this time and remember what influenced me." Studies show that children who are sexually abused act out in different ways. Some dress promiscuously, some act promiscuously, some withdraw or act out and others hurt themselves. My dad responded with a nod of understanding and seemed to realize this was something he didn't recognize before but now does. That meant a lot to me. It just takes time to figure it all out.

Thankfully, I have been able to forgive not only Mr. J but also my parents and others who let me down by not noticing the signs, not wanting to accept the truth and wanting to protect the facade. I am still struggling with those who are not interested in the truth and are afraid of what the truth might do. I'm so sorry if this harms their interests. I'm really not interested in their interests. Especially if it continues to cause us to not tell.....

Later, I will start writing about the Miyake volcano eruption in the summer of 2000 and how that affected me.

Day Twenty - Continuing with some interesting insite

2009-09-26T16:39:00.000-07:00

My sister corrected my previous post about my brother's award at the Houston International Film Festival. She writes, "The film was called "The Strongest Link", I think...Oddly enough, it was a film about the excellent Houston Emergency Medical System and how well it runs and also the emotional aspect of some of it's workers. So there it is, another "connection" with your ambulance heroes."

Thanks for the correction, CACD.

Today, I was hopelessly trying to finish up some work on the house we are doing because of the hurricane that devastated our community last year. We had a limb of a large oak tree crash into the left side of our house causing about $40,000 worth of damage. Many in our community suffered much worse. We are very grateful that no one was hurt. But, we still have some unfinished business and we have a group of people from the school coming to our house on October 5th for an Open House for the school. I have to get it at least presentable.

It's amazing how moving a paint brush up and down causes some kind of therapy. I'm by myself, contemplating everything going on in my life. I think about my son who is "playing" football but isn't really because he is second in line for his position. I see the pain on his face when the coach neglects to put him in even though the team is up by 100 gazillion points. I contemplate my life and why I am actually painting instead of having someone else come in a do it for me. It's a matter of choice, I suppose.

As I was painting today I asked myself why it has taken so long to share my story. I was thinking about other people who have been abused and the facts that you really don't see a lot of stories shared out there. Why? One thing I was thinking was that the people who have been or are being abused are already vulnerable. That's what makes them a target. Then couple that with a general public who doesn't want to know, that makes it even more difficult. Look at the guys who were sexually abused by the priests!! I can't imagine something more sinister or evil. Using your faith as a draw for young men. But it happened and look how long it took to come out. Being in a predominately Catholic community I occasionally see a car drive by with a bumper sticker that says, "There are good Catholic priests". No doubt, but the message I get from that is, "Don't tell." It would be the same if all of a sudden up popped a bumper sticker that said, "There are good teachers." If it was geared toward me, I would feel the same, "Don't tell." Don't tell the truth because it causes all of us to be accountable. Don't tell the truth because I don't want to believe that the person whom I confess my sins to is molesting a young boy. Don't tell the truth because the activist teacher I love is molesting little girls. Don't tell the truth because it makes me look bad because I didn't do anything about it.

Don't tell. Don't tell.

I shall write more later, however, my body and brain is required to change into another frame as we are attending an Engagement party for a friend.

Don't tell......................................................................................

Day Twenty - From the height of joy to the depth of despair.

2009-09-26T04:28:00.000-07:00

There is a brief respite in site this coming week. The temperature is supposed to break down into the 80's. Halleluiah for small blessings!

I talked about the difficult delivery of our forth child in April of 1995. I stayed in the hospital for five days. I lost so much blood but the doctor said that because I was in really good shape they didn't have to transfuse me which was fortunate. We came home on May 3rd. My parents were in route to North Carolina after a brief stint in Dallas and subsequent drive to Houston to attend the International Film Festival with my older brother and oldest sister. My brother had been nominated for an award for a documentary he produced and directed about the US Coast Guard. (Help me get this straight family.) My brother and his wife, my sister and her daughter and my parents all attended the festivities. As they sat there at a table of PBS producers/directors and others my brother thought that the nomination/award was so small that they chose not to mention it during the awards so he was ready to leave and go back to the room when my sister urged him to stay.

They continued to listen to the different nominations and subsequent awards begin announced, people coming to the stage accepting their awards and reciting their acceptance speeches. It got down to the very last award, the Grand Award for Best Film and Video in 1995 for the Houston International Film Festival and I can imagine the drum roll, the anticipation, the sweat running off people's brows when they announced none other than my brother's name. My sister jumped up and began screaming and whooping and hollering. I'm doubtful that my mom and dad did, however; I can see them quietly sitting, smiling and holding their heads high with pride thinking quietly to themselves, "That's OUR son."

Wow, what elation. That was phenomenal. From the height of joy..........

I don't exactly remember the sequence of the film festival and my delivery but it was all around the same time. After I got home from the hospital and settled in for a day or two, the children were all in bed, the baby was next to me in his bassinet and we were all in a deep sleep. You can imagine the fear and anticipation we felt when the phone rang around 2:00 in the morning. It was my oldest sister. She was frantic, trying to find my mom and dad. She said, "I think Jared died. I have to find out where Mother and Daddy are. Do you know?" Jared, my middle sister's oldest child had suffered a heart attack. By the time the paramedics made it to their house he was gone. He was only twelve years old. I called my parents who were staying in a hotel nearby and woke them up. They had just arrived in Nashville to spend time with us since the baby had been born and to help me at the house while I recovered. That morning they arrived at our house at 6:00 a.m. making arrangements to drive back to Dallas that day to be with my middle sister and her family and to help in funeral arrangements.

From the height of joy and life to the depth of despair and death.

How can you explain God in all this? Why is there so much suffering? Why did Jerad have to die so young? Why did my son live? How can one family have so much joy and without even a glance so much pain within days if not minutes? There have been many books written on this subject and without reading most of them I can take an educated guess that each writer has his or her own opinion and none of them are the same. The only response I can give without going into a diatribe of my own personal opinion is to quote from John 6:68b. "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life."

God is good. All the time.

Day Nineteen - Still muggy in South Louisiana

2009-09-25T04:28:00.000-07:00

It's almost October and our air-conditioner is still going full steam ahead. There is little relief in sight. My hair is frizzy beyond recognition. I look like a person who stuck their finger in an electrical socket. Yikes!! People beware out there.

I shared with you my experience about the Impatient plant on my last post. God continued to show his faithfulness in our marriage and our lives in many different ways. Our third child and second son was born in November of 1992. He was a source of many happy and delightful days. I was working part time by now and by the end of January of 1995, my husband and I agreed that it was time for me to stay home with the kids.

Right out of college I went to work for CocaCola USA in the Southwest District office in Dallas, Texas. I was the Marketing Planner and worked with statistics and primarily market share for our region. I traveled a little bit in the region. I really liked that job. After Dallas we moved to Austin, TX for a few months and then to Tenneesee where my husband began his career job. For a few years after our first two children were born, I worked in the computer industry selling CADD or Computer Aided Drafting and Design systems to local architects and engineering firms. I actually sold the first AutoCAD - PC based system in our area. That was just when PC's were entering into the marketplace. Prior to that most firms had large mainframes and used either Intergraph systems or other engineering based systems. I later went to work for Johnson and Johnson as a Baby Product rep, which was a part time job, only 25 hours per week. This allowed me to be home in the afternoons with my kids. It was a good job. When summer began looming in the future and the thought of paying for three children's childcare, we realized it was better for the kids and for our finances for me to stay at home.

I loved being at home with the kids. It became evident that they really needed me, too. My oldest son was struggling with concentration issues and consequently behavior issues. His first eight years in school were filled with constant problems. It was good for me to be home. Also, it gave me time to spend with our daughter and our other son. In 1995, our forth and last child was born. I had problems with this pregnancy from day one which was rather strange because all my other pregnancies had been fairly uneventful.

Early on in the pregnancy I had some minor issues that could have become bigger but didn't. At some point in the first to second trimester my doctor did a series of standard tests and one came back with a strong indicator that this child might have Downs Syndrome. At the request of our doctor, we did an amniocentesis to either confirm or dispel this possibility. We didn't think about the possibility to abort, however, my doctor said there were things they could do to help along the way if he tested positive. After two grueling but God focused weeks - God was faithful to grant us peace during this time - we got the tests back and it had just been a scare.

When I was five months pregnant I got sick and stayed sick for about
a month. After being on several weeks of antibiotics my entire body started hurting. I felt like a knife was stabbing me in the back. It just so happened that this particular day was a Saturday. Have you ever called in to the doctor's office when you are pregnant to tell them your back is killing you? Well, don't. Evidently, I didn't tell the answering service the correct information because I never got a call back. She was probably thinking, "A pregnant woman is calling in because her back is killing her? Give me a break." Finally, later in the morning when I realized no body was going to call me back I called back again and described my pain. The on-call doctor finally called back and told me to go to the emergency room. My husband was gone to an event for his brother so I drove myself to the hospital and went through triage. The triage nurse listened to my lungs and my breathing and said, "There's nothing wrong with you but since you are here we have to let the doctor see you." The doctor comes in and listens to my lungs and breathing and says, "There's nothing wrong with you but just in case, let's do an x-ray."

I had double pneumonia. They checked me into the hospital and I stayed on medication and fluids for several days. I just wish doctor's would listen to the patient sometimes.

My due date was around May 15, 1995. My first three children had been two weeks early so as the end of April came around, we started thinking we were going to have a baby soon. One afternoon, the sun was high in the sky and the day was warm so I decided to lay out and let my big belly get some exposure to the sun. I had done this several times and was developing quite a nice tan. Funny looking, yes, but not as funny looking as a big white belly. As I was laying out in the sun a wasp or hornet started circling above me. I laid very still, hoping it would fly away. Just when it took a nose dive for my belly I jerked to keep it from landing on me. Right after I jerked and a sharp pain permeated my body. About that time the phone rang and a very good friend was calling to check on me. As I was talking to her, I felt what I thought was my water breaking. She encouraged me to call the doctor and my husband and got off the phone. I proceeded to do both but then noticed what appeared to me to be an extraordinary amount of blood. My friend called back to see how I was doing and I described this problem to her. She suggested I call the doctor back and I did. They told me to call 911 and I did.

First to arrive was the fire truck, then the ambulance with the paramedics. My husband and children were behind them. When the paramedics arrived they got me down on the foyer and began attempting to find a vein for an IV. They also had some antiquated machine to get the baby's heartbeat. I kept on asking, "How is the baby? Don't worry about me, how is the baby?" After this I became somewhat euphoric and calm. I was told later that it was because of the tremendous amount of blood I lost. They could find a vein so they got me into the ambulance and began working on me all the way to the hospital. When my husband arrived with the children and saw the fire truck and ambulance he told them to stay in the car. He says he walked into the foyer with paramedics all around and saw all the blood and thought we were having the baby at home. It wasn't until a few minutes later that he realized we were in a critical place.

Those paramedics were unbelievable. They treated me with utmost care. To this day I will be the first person to pull over for an ambulance. They drove me from Brentwood to downtown Nashville's Baptist Hospital in record time and got me into the hospital in time for the doctors to take over and put me under. This was the only c-section I had and it was quite scary. Later we were told that I had an abruption of the placenta. We also found out that our baby had the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck. Had I delivered naturally there was a good possibility that he would have died during childbirth.

Several things took place during this time that I should make note of. One was that my third child was taking a nap upstairs during this entire fiasco. My neighbors all came over to see what was going on and they proceeded to take care of cleaning up my mess, talking care of my then 2 1/2 year old and doing whatever else we needed. They were incredible. My oldest was excited when he saw the fire truck and ambulance and yelled, "Are we going to be on 9-1-1?" As I mentioned, the paramedics were great. And our church. What can I say about being a part of the body of Christ? We had food and other things for one entire month. I think our grocery bill was $50 that month. My friend who talked to me on the phone came over for the first two weeks everyday and took care of me, washed my clothes, cleaned the house and made cookies for my kids. It was amazing to see people come together to help my family during this difficult time. My daughter wrote an essay in her class remembering how the paramedics saved her mom's life. We delivered it to them one day with some goodies and a big thank you. God is good, all the time. Or is he?

Our forth child was born on April 28, 1995. The week after his birth many different things happened to the Calcote nuclear family.

We went from the height of joy to the depth of despair in just one week.

Day Eighteen -

2009-09-24T20:31:00.000-07:00

It's been a long day. I worked most of the day and into the evening and then sped off to my 16 year old's football game. Wow, I'm sick of football. It would be different if he got to play more but right now he's sitting in the 2nd string QB position. Unless they are beating the other team by 100 the coach won't put him in. Can't quite figure that out. The only way I can bear to sit through the games is to chant over and over in my head, "All things work for good for those who love the Lord and are called according to his purpose." Sometimes I really question whether or not God really knows what he is doing. It hurts me when I see my son hurting.

It reminds me of some similar painful things I experienced in high school. Being a teenager really stinks. But it is a process of growth and learning. If you learn the most when you are in pain then my son is really learning a lot. God bless him!!

After attending the reunion in Long Beach I returned to my "normal" life as a wife, mother and employee. In 1992, eight years after my daughter was born I became pregnant with our third child. He was born in the fall of '92 in Nashville. Through out our marriage, my husband and I had our ups and downs, as do most marriages and this was somewhat of a down time. We began going to therapy and our counselor suggested we attend this week long seminar at a local Presbyterian church. We both agreed and it pretty much transformed our lives.

We began attending Christ Presbyterian Church in Nashville. One of the things that drew us to that church was their music program and their children's program. Both my husband and I were very interested in music. My husband has a beautiful voice and I enjoy playing the piano. We joined the choir and started becoming involved in the church. We also joined a small group, which, to this day, I know I can go to anyone from that small group and they would welcome me as family.

Our choir director was fun and crazy. He was also very talented. We had choir practice on Wednesday nights from 7:30 to 9:00. Because of the size of the choir (over 100 people) he implemented an "on time" award. If you arrived on time for choir you could submit your name into a common pot and at the end of choir he would draw out of this pot and pick different people who then got different fun prizes. One night I remember very well. It was after my husband and I had gone through a particularly difficult period. We went to choir, both were "on time" and thus we in the "pot" for the on time award. This particular evening our choir director rolled out a table full of 6" plants. If my memory serves me there were about 20 - 30 6" plants. As he started to pull names out of the pot the plants dwindled down. It's funny how we, even as adults, want to conform to the "on time" awards as many people made it into the pot. As he continued pulling names I sat back realizing that he was getting down to the end and neither my husband nor I had been picked.

All the plants were being given away to those drawn out of the "on time" pot. We got down to the last two plants. I began praying - remember, my husband and I had gone through one of the most difficult times in our marriage - "God, please pick us." The choir director drew the next to last name. He began to read it. As he spoke the name of my husband, my heart jumped and I knew this was a sign God was giving me to continue to trust in him. There was one plant left. I knew that plant was for me. This was a sign God was giving me showing me that he was in control of my marriage and my life. I should trust in him. As the choir director drew out the last name, my heart was beating so strong. I knew this plant was mine. I knew he would say, "Janet Simmons." As he began to read the name and I heard another person's name my heart sank. I was devastated. God had betrayed me. He didn't want my marriage to prosper. What was wrong? While I was so quick to judge and so quick to express my anger and frustration, God was still at work trying to get my attention. Our choir director pulled out from underneath the table one more plant. This time, however, it was a huge hanging basket with beautiful flowers. He put his hand into the pot and drew out a name. As he began to recite my name, God said to me, "Janet, your expectations of me are too small. You are impatient. (It was a beautiful New Guinea Impatient.) You desire me to satisfy your marriage with a 6" plant, when I can give you this beautiful, full, flowering, enormous plant." That night, God spoke to me like I never before experienced. I felt his comfort like I had never experienced before.

This was in the fall of 1992 or spring of 1993.

Day Eighteen-Long Beach 70's Reunion

2009-09-24T03:35:00.000-07:00

My two sisters, their spouses, my nephew and niece, my husband and me departed from Jackson, Mississippi airport and flew to Los Angeles. My parents lived in Mississippi and were kind enough to take care of my two children and my sister's three. My younger two had not yet been born. Our trip to Los Angeles was uneventful at least to my memory. We enjoyed each others company and looked forward to seeing friends we had not seen in a long time.

I really didn't know what to expect. I hoped that friendships would be rekindled, at least I thought so. Upon arrival at the hotel we saw many familiar faces and had the initial, "Hey, how ARE you?!" "Gosh, has it been 14 years?" "You look SO good." "You haven't aged a bit!" You get the picture. Of course, many of us were still quite young and still had the world before us. Since the reunion spanned over a decade there were people who graduated in 1970 all the way to those who graduated in 1979. My three sisters and I all graduated from ASIJ during that era. My older brother graduated in, I believe, 1968 or 1969, and my younger brother graduated in 1980.

At this point in my life I still had not shared my experiences with Mr. J to anyone except my husband. At least I didn't recall that I had. My parents still didn't know, neither did either of my sisters. So, going to this reunion for me was simply a way to reconnect to friends and have a good time.

One afternoon I was sitting at the pool with my older sister when up walked two people I recognized. One was someone I had admired from afar. Very attractive. She had a wonderfully gently spirit. One of those people you wish you could be like. The second person was someone who I had not counted on seeing. You see, she was the girl who let me put my mattress next to hers. That was when the abuse stopped. I was delighted, excited, overwhelmed, and really words can't express what I felt. We spoke and I asked her if she remembered me. She didn't really seem to. I thanked her for protecting me during a very difficult time. I think I explained to her what she had done, but she didn't seem to remember and that was that.

The reunion went on. Because the reunion committee had pulled the nomination of Mr. J from the Favorite Teacher award, no mention of him came up, at least not openly. I'm sure there were conversations going around with people saying, "Wow, I thought Mr. J would have won that." Any other conversations I was not privy to. This is also my memory of the event and there may have been other things that happened I just don't remember. Besides, this is only my story and without a doubt there could be a whole lot more shared by others.

I do remember two particular things that happened during our stay in Long Beach. One morning I went down to the lobby to get coffee. It was pretty early and I was hopeful that I wouldn't run into anyone. I proceeded to get my coffee out of the common coffee pot that was in the lobby for hotel guests when a Japanese lady came up and began asking me a question in broken English. So I said something to her in Japanese - can't remember what. He reaction was hysterical. Her face lit up and she first responded with a long, resounding, "OOOOOOOOOO." Emphasis on the "O" as in the japanese "go". She then said, "Gaijin ga, nihongo shabere masu?" - translated - "The foreigner can speak Japanese?" I started laughing and said, "Koko wa America desu. Watashi wa Gaijin janai desu. Anata wa Gaijin desu." - translated - "This is America. I am not the foreigner, you are the foreigner." She just laughed and laughed. I've told this story time and time again to different people and everytime all involved get a big kick out of it.

Another memory I have is when my oldest sister and I were running one morning and I began telling her about my story with the reunion committee about Mr. J. being one of the favorite teachers. As I was telling her I could tell her body was confused and we stopped running and she asked me, "Janet, what happened?" It was then I realized, no one else knew about what had happened. I guess I thought that all my family knew. How? I don't know. So, I began telling her my story. I don't know exactly what she did with it at that point but I finally was getting comfortable to talk about it.

This was in 1990 - twenty years later.

Day Seventeen - Insecure

2009-09-22T20:30:00.000-07:00

As I continue to write about all that I experienced, for me, it becomes so present. But for others, I'm sure it becomes mundane. As a result, when I feel alone in this process it becomes difficult to continue. But, now that I have started the process, I know I must continue. I will once again post a notice to those who are reading. If you have any edits to my story, please use the comment box in the blog so that all can read it. Many people are commenting on facebook but it doesn't necessarily make it to the blog. If you would like your comments to be attached to this blog, please do so on the blog page.

One comment I received on my face book really took me by surprise. It was from a someone younger than me who experienced life in Japan and at ASIJ as well.

"Hi, I have been following your blog and appreciate very much what you are doing. I haven't posted a comment yet - I suppose because it feels like "mid-story" and I'm waiting to hear how it all happens. I also don't know what to say. My heart just aches for you - now, and for who you were at that age.

I wanted you to know that when I first heard about your bringing the story out a few years ago and becoming public - I had absolutely no hesitation in believing you. Since I live pretty removed from ASIJ now I couldn't follow all the activity too precisely - but I was sure you were telling the truth. Part of this is because I had odd experiences with Mr. J myself - kind of on the opposite end from you. I was a pretty good kid, worked hard in school, did pretty well, was well-liked by other teachers - and almost shunned by him. I was not one of the chosen ones - I did not get a special invitation to Miyake on one of the non-school trips. Although, I did go for the 7th grade class trip, and again as a senior to be a counselor for the 7th graders - I never received any attention whatsoever from Mr. J. As I said, he almost wouldn't acknowledge me. This was very painful at the time. Several of my close friends did receive special attention - he gave them nicknames, extra attention, etc - but not me. Now I know that I was lucky for this. And even though this was very difficult at times - I remember crying once about it, and being very confused -- I also just knew there was something very wrong about how he played serious favorites, and how close he was to a few chosen girls.

I knew, without a doubt, that the horrible story you were sharing was true. I wished with all my heart that it wasn't. Thank you sharing your courageous journey, so more girls will not travel the same road. I now have children of my own which makes me all the more thankful."

This message to me was so encouraging. I know there are many others out there who either experienced what the writer described or experienced what I did. There are those out there also who experienced Mr. J as a loving and devoted teacher, encouraging educational development and advancement without any of the shunning or any of the abuse. I believe these are the skeptics. They wonder why I am doing this. Why would I talk about someone who in their memory was so wonderful and encouraging to them? Why would I burst their memory of such a wonderful experience at Miyake?

You know it really is interesting. I wonder about all the people who are reading this post, just waiting for the other shoe to drop. People who I thought might be supportive or encouraging but haven't heard from at all, but I know are reading. It's amazing how we want to protect our image of an institute but not those who mean the most to us. It's amazing how we want to preserve our memories as long as someone elses memories don't poison our recollection of what was. I'm sorry to burst some bubbles. I'm sorry to make good memories false, but if someone doesn't break that cycle, it won't ever be broken. We have to be willing to see things as they are, not as we wish them to be.

Don't you know that with all my heart I wish my life and my memories of my childhood could be wonderful and unrealistic. The reality though is this, no one has a perfect life. No one has a perfect childhood. Some of us suffer from sexual abuse, some from physical or emotional abuse, some from neglect of one parent or another, some from not being able to live up to our parent's expectations. We all suffer from some sort of pain or another from our childhood. So, why not admit those things and then be able to be vulnerable and start getting better and growing up so we can protect others who are being subjected to these same horrors? If we don't talk openly about these things then the possibility of the cycle being repeated is so much greater.

The other reality is this. I know who I can depend upon. I know my supporters. I know where my strength comes from. I know who will see me through the end. Thank you for holding my hand.

Day Sixteen - On a roll

2009-09-20T01:35:00.000-07:00

I can tell you a lot about my life but I'm choosing to share mostly the parts that I believe were impacted by the relationship I had with Mr. J. Although, I am who I am today, good or bad, because of this experience.

In the summer of 1976, I graduated from high school having just turned 17 the previous February. There was only one person in my class younger than me. My last two years of school came with a great deal of fun and full of really great memories. I was a cheerleader, a member of the gymnastic team, had a lot of friends and seemed to get a long without many issues. Some of my classmates might remember a little differently.

Upon graduation, as did most students, I prepared to leave to go to college in the States. My parents weren't coming with me because back then they were only able to leave the mission field once every five years. We had just returned to Japan in 1974.

I left the Tokyo airport, leaving my mom and my dad and my little brother, heading towards bigger and better things or so they said. I gave them each a hug and noticed that my dad began tearing up a little, my mom, however, remained stoic. I cried all the way down the walkway to the plane. I arrived, by myself, at Los Angeles International Airport (LAX). I had to go from the international wing of the airport to the domestic wing by myself. This task to me seemed incredibly enormous, especially for a 17 year old who really didn't have a home in this land.

I flew to Washington, D.C. to visit my brother, my sister-in-law and neice for a short time. I then flew to North Carolina to visit my friends from my sophomore year with hopes to rekindle a relationship that had ended due to distance. From North Carolina I flew to Mississippi and joined my sister who was attending Mississippi College.

My first year at Mississippi College was miserable. I dormed with a stranger who was from Shaw, Mississippi. I didn't even know there was a Shaw, Mississippi. I struggled immensely with many different things. I couldn't call my parents because in 1976 the international phone rates were extremely unreasonable. A five minute call could cost up to $20.00. We didn't have $20.00 for a phone call.

That fall my dad experienced some difficulties with his heart. His doctor in Japan didn't think it was prudent for him to stay in Japan and urged him to immediately return to the States and receive medical treatment there. Fortunately for me, they came back to the States and stayed in Mississippi at my grandmother's house only one hour away from me. I don't know what would have happened to me that year had they not come home. They stayed until January of 1977 when they returned to Japan with my little brother.

During college I struggled with several different things. I worked at a local pizza place where all the law students met and studied. They became my friends and I started hanging out with them. One of the law students started to pursue me. He was 30 years old and I was 19. He bought me presents, took me out to dinner but I wasn't really interested in him. He would not leave me alone. One night at a party, he stopped me in the corridor and told me he would give me $2,000 if I would date him. He proceeded to put 20 $100 bills in my hand. I looked at him and said, "What, do I look like a prostitute?" Eventually, however, he was able to wear me down and I ended up dating him. As you can imagine, that relationship was a very unhealthy. We dated for a little less than a year. He expected me to conform to his 30 year old status while I was still experiencing youth. I wanted to go to a movie, he wanted to go to an antique auction. I wanted to go out and dance, he wanted to go eat at Shoney's. You get the picture. While in this relationship I developed severe anorexia. I went from a size eight to a size three and that was even baggy! I would run five miles everyday and eat virtually nothing. I still thought I was fat. It didn't help that my boyfriend would say things to me that caused me to think I was still fat. He did things that humilated me. He alienated me from my friends and family. I was isolated and alone. He wouldn't let me communicate with anyone who cared about me.

The following fall, I finally convinced him to take me to a movie. We were sitting in the movie and I remember him saying something to me that made me mad. I must have said something to him, don't remember what, when he jabbed me in the ribs with his elbow. That was it!! He drove me home and I broke it off. He couldn't understand why I would break it off. For at least a month he harrassed me, sending me flowers, and even proposed with a diamond ring!

To get away from him, over the Thanksgiving holiday I went to visit my older brother who then lived in Cleveland, Ohio. That was the weekend of the Jim Jones massacre in Jonestown. It happened on November 18, 1978. I remember watching the news fascinated and scared because I really couldn't grasp what was happening. Here was this master manipulator walking his followers to their death. Unbelievable. How could anyone be so vulnerable to someone like that? I didn't realize that only 7 years before, I was being manipulated and subject to something similar, only thank God not that!!

I came back to school after the holidays only to find out that this guy I had broken up with went into my apartment and took the letters we had exchanged the previous summer. What I didn't know was my duplex mates had asked him to stay in their side of the duplex during the holidays while they returned to Florida. It was then I decided that in order for me to continue to function I had to leave. After the first semester of my sophomore year I moved to Gainesville, Florida to live with my two sisters.

While I lived in Gainesville, I gained back all of the weight I lost. I worked at a local restaurant waiting on tables and allowed my body, mind and soul to heal. I couldn't have done it without my two sisters. I considered transfering to Baylor the next semester but at the end decided to return to Mississippi College.

Upon my return to MC, I felt stronger and able to make it on my own. I found a little apartment for $75.00 a month to live in. It was perfect for me and provided my own little place to finish out my schooling. I knew that I wanted to get a degree and by this time had switched majors from music to business. I excelled in the business school and finally graduated in 1981.

In 1980, I fell in love with my soon to be husband. We married in September of 1981 in Dallas, Texas. We will celebrate our 28th anniversary on Saturday, September 26, 2009. We lived in Dallas, Texas for a while where our first son was born. We then moved several times, first to Austin, Texas then to Tennessee where my husband began his career job. We had three more children all born in Tennessee.

During our time in Tennessee, my husband was a member of a local business club that met once a week. Once or more a year they would invite the spouses of the members to lunch. This particular day they had a woman speak to the club about child abuse. She was explaining how rampant child abuse was and began stating statistics. She asked, "Did you know that 25 % of all Americans have been sexually abused?" I was listening to her and started thinking, that's one out of four people. That means at our table of eight, two people here have been sexually abused. That's when it hit me. I was one of the statistics. I had been sexually abused. Wow, what a revelation! Although, I guess I knew it before, I really had not defined it in those terms. But, even with that revelation, there really wasn't anything I could do about it now. I went on trying to live my life, attempting to be a good wife, mother and friend.

This was in 1983 or 1984. I was 24 or 25.

In 1990, while still living in Tenneessee, my husband and I flew to Los Angeles to attend the first "70's" reunion held in Long Beach, California. We attended with both of my sisters. I was so excited to reconnect with old friends. During the planning stages of the reunion we received information about different plans for the reunion. We received the schedule and another request in the mail. This request was to vote for your favorite teacher. I don't remember exactly what I did, whether I voted or not. I do recall, however, realizing that there would be a very good possiblity that Mr. J would be nominated and possibly win the nomination. I didn't think I would be able to stomach that.

So all of my excitement to reconnect with friends was now replaced with fear of his nomination for favorite teacher. I decided to covertly contact the reunion committee and tell them a little of my story. I did let them know that if he was nominated that I would have to say something at the reunion about it and expose him for who he really was. I didn't know at the time that he had won the nomination and they had already told him.

His secret perpetuated even into 1990. Unbelievable!! The reunion committee some how explained to him that they had to withdraw his nomination. I don't know exactly what happened, what they said, or how he took it but somehow they did it. I do believe that the school finally knew, without being officially told, that they had a pedophile working for them.

You see, anytime I had any contact with the school, be it at a reunion, receiving literature in the mail, or getting on the website to look at the content, I was reminded about the three years of abuse. His name and successes were constantly at the forefront. Even after the school was notified via the reunion committee he continued to work for them. It is amazing to me how people can turn a blind eye to sexual abuse only to preserve the benefits they are receiving by doing so. He was a famous teacher, worked with Jane Goodall, published several important science books, saved the islands from destruction. Exposing him would expose them.

Day Fifteen - Diving back in

2009-09-20T00:30:00.000-07:00

So, I've digressed for several days now. I think it just might be that way when you are trying to communicate such inner secrets.

I went back to Miyake several more times. I don't remember the exact number of times but I can remember different people who were there. One time I went with two more girl friends. I don't remember a lot about the visit, however; I do have some incredible pictures reminding me of how beautiful the island was. Several of the pictures depict a secluded beach surrounded by severly tall cliffs. In order to get there we had to drive to another part of the island and park quite a distance from the beach. We then trekked through the forest into an assembly of huge rocks which we then carefully climbed or crawled depending upon the severity of the rise of the rock. As we decended toward the ocean, displayed before us was a beautiful, quiet sheltered jet black beach wrapped by these tall jagged cliffs. It was incredible. I don't remember how long we stayed on that beach that day, but it was just the three of us and Mr. J.

I finally mustered up the courage to go the the shrine. This particular night there was a full moon. It wasn't as dark as usual and I was determined to master this feat and overcome my fear. Mr. J told the story of the old women who haunted the woods around the shrine. If anyone can remember the story, I would welcome it, either in email or as a comment to my post.

Because we listened the Aretha Franklin and Sly and the Family Stone (amounst others) all the time, I could pretty much sing the lyrics of all their songs. Sly and the Family Stone's song, "You Can Make it if You Try", was my song of choice that night. I walked all the way through the forest up to the shrine, found the wooden spoon and brought it back. I now remember that one of the girls who spent a lot of time on the island actually slept on the steps of the shrine one night. Yikes!! I don't think I could do that.

During other trips I remember there might be one but rarely two guys that went with us. Generally, the guys were the boyfriends of the young marine biologist who frequented the island to do research.

Mr. J and several other students would go scuba diving and spear fishing during the day. Because I didn't have my scuba license I wasn't able to officially dive, but I was able to use my prescription mask Mr. J purchased for me to experience the beauty of the marine life surrounding the island. I believe I just remembered why he purchased the mask in the first place. We went snorkling one day and he gave me the spear to spear an eel. He kept on showing me where it was on the bottom of the ocean floor, not realizing that I couldn't see it. Because my vision has been extremely bad even and a young child, I couldn't see a thing with out my glasses or contacts, thus the need for a prescription mask.

Another memory I have is in the kitchen. I recall we all worked together to cook. I don't remember much about the food. I think whenever we went to Miyake we had to give Mr. J some money but don't really remember what it was. I do remember that we would have the cassette player blaring out music as we prepared the meals each day. I also remember that on the back on the house was a small tatami floored office with all the information from the marine biology study housed in it.

My last memory of visiting Miyake is the night when I placed my mat on the floor in the girls room. I don't know how it happened, I don't remember anything else from that particular trip except that as we were getting ready to go to bed, I asked one of the older girls who was there if I could sleep next to her that night. She welcomed me with open arms and carefully secured a place on the floor next to her mat. She then protected me from the visitor in the night. That was the last of any physical contact I had. To her I can only say, "Thank you for holding my hand."

Mr. J was furious. When he saw I placed my mat in the other room and I was safe and secure, I guess he realized that I was finished. This was in my freshman year in high school. I was now thirteen or fourteen.

From that point on, I don't recall going to Miyake again. Possibly because that following summer we went back to the States on furlough. In the summer of 1973, we moved to Wake Forest, North Carolina for a year so my dad could attend seminary and get his Doctor of Ministry Degree. We stayed in North Carolina until the following spring. Upon our return to Japan, the first thing I wanted to do was to find Mr. J and let him know I was back in town.

I called the school to find out when he would be returning from Miyake and return to the school. They told me, so I went out to Tokyo Bay where the boats docked and met him on the pier heading out to the boat. He began walking toward me and I noticed he didn't seem to see me. I called out his name, "Mr. J, Mr. J." He saw me and as he walked past said, "Oh, hi Janet," and continued on his way. I had not seen him for a year. I now understand but was then quite confused and deeply hurt. I thought we had a special relationship. I didn't know what happened.

After that, I went on my merry way, only to see him occasionally in the halls, interacting with other students and continuing his JLAP course with the seventh grade class. I don't recall having any other significant contact with him. At this point in my life I didn't know that I should have told someone what had happened to me. In fact, no one knew but me and after being rejected by him at the pier I didn't want anyone to know.

Day Fourteen - True Nature of Man

2009-09-17T20:21:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I like red wine. Especially, the smokey oak flavor of a good Cabernet. So, take this for what it is worth. Maybe so, maybe not.

Tonight, I experienced the true nature of man. My oldest sister arrived in Baton Rouge this afternoon. We will travel to Mississippi to see my Dad this weekend.

My children, LOVE their aunt. Their love of their aunt is displayed in competition between them to show her who is good, better and best. So, tonight I experienced a reality that I have never fully defined.

My oldest, played the guitar with my youngest, who played the piano and sang. Then my middle son, sauntered into the living room and began displaying his expertise with the guitar. They each shared their own talents with an intense desire to be enveloped with total admiration. Isn't that what we all seek?

I believe the true nature of man is to be God. We want to be God. We want to be the center of attention. We want to be loved. We want to be the bestest, greatest, prettiest, skinnyest, youngest, strongest, successfullist, sexiest, smartest, spiritualist, famoustist and confidentist people in the universe. Often times, this shows up in the most interesting ways because we don't want to admit that about ourselves. It shows up in intense competition. Whatever our passions may be, usually they are self focused.

So, why are we so afraid to say it like it is? Why are we afraid to be vulnerable? Why am I dancing around this subject without actually selling it straight? I can tell you why. Because when we display our laundry we become targets. I know because it has happened to me. The ability to display your laundry comes with personal inner strength, which comes with extensive self-examination and/or mental instituationalization which maybe I need.

I've said some pretty crazy things in this post. Especially the use of words that won't show up in the dictionary. As you continue to read, you'll find out that I often make up words. They make sense to me, so I hope they will to you too! On that note, I shall retire.

Day Thirteen - Life and circumstances

2009-09-17T06:42:00.000-07:00

This morning met me with more detours. My youngest son suffers from anxiety and a mild tic disorder. He has chosen to manage it without medication and has done well for about four years. I think part of his anxiety last night and this morning is due to lack of sleep. He is going to a college-prep school, plays football, has a girlfriend, is in constant motion, and I think it has all caught up. Anyway, thus the delays in writing and keeping my thoughts in check.

I share with you two email posts I read this morning. Both are very profound and real to me. As I continue to share with you my journey through life, certain things are bound to strike me and so I will go on a little detour myself. The first post is from a local pastor here in Baton Rouge. The second is from my dad, who flew to Seattle last week and returned to Mississippi on Tuesday. Both reveal the true nature and understanding of the most merciful, incredible, powerful, indescribable God.

Greetings:

Everything in my life and yours will be out of order until we address the matter of our love relationship with God. Just typing that sentence caused me to take a long pause before I could begin to type again. Of all of the messages I have been blessed to share with you, this one goes right to the top of my list in terms of importance. Everything in my life rests upon the reality of God pursuing a continuing love relationship with me. And the same holds true for you. I am 53 years old and have tried to love, serve, worship and obey God for some time now. Yet, the force of these words is beyond description. Until I address the matter of the love relationship between God and me, EVERYTHING will be out of order! Do you realize that I am now forced to examine ALL of the stuff in my life in the context of my love relationship with God? Whew! That’s some heavy lifting. First of all I must truly wrap my brain around the fact that God loves me. It’s not as simple as it once was to make this statement. I cannot simply say these words when God is acting in my life exactly the way I want. I must process the things going on in the context of God’s love even in the midst of some of the many difficult moments that present themselves. Event the stuff that hurts, angers, frustrates, and challenges me must be seen in the context of God’s unquestioned love for ME. Whew! And then while I am attempting to wrap my feeble brain around this very challenging truth, I must come to grips with His expectation that I would love Him with everything that is me. Loving God with everything that is me goes way beyond the words I say or the prayers I pray. This means that my love relationship with Him is THE priority in my life. It impacts EVERYTHING I think, say and do. EVERYTHING! Excuse me a moment… I had to take another pause before I could begin to type again. God created us so that He could love us and we would love Him back. Since it’s my purpose, I’m going to get busy doing it. I want to encourage you to join me in this journey of love. Let’s start unwrapping the truth of His perfect and eternal love for us. Then, let’s try to give ourselves fully to loving Him back with everything that is us. I am going to give it my best shot. Everything in my life and relationship with Him depends upon it. Are you in? Stay loved.

Report on trip to and from Seattle to undisclosed list of friends and family:

As one who ponders about what he sees, I had some deep thoughts while on the trip. Flying over Houston, TX, Phoenix, Az, Seattle, Wa, and then Chicago, Ill. I was impressed with the many, many houses that I saw. I am persuaded that in this world there must be at least a MILLION !! HOUSES. That means that there must be a HUNDRED MILLION PEOPLE!!! Wow!! And even with so many people everywhere, I remembered that God knows every one of them by name. He even knew my name as I was flying in the air and looking down on all those houses. He surely is a great God to look after all the people in the world. I said a special prayer to tell Him "Thank You" for taking care of all those people and especially for all the family members and friends who are so precious to me.

My dad ended his email with: "I love you, you know!!"

I'll write more tonight if time and circumstances allow. To all my friends and family and those I have yet to meet: I love you, you know!!

Day Twelve - Too Late

2009-09-16T20:53:00.001-07:00

Too many conflicts with life. Youngest son's anxiety. Hopefully post tomorrow.

Day Twelve - Early Morning

2009-09-16T02:53:00.000-07:00

Growing up in a different country from your country of origin brings many blessings but also causes certain conflicts and confusion. I was born in Kyushu on Ashia Air force Base. We lived in a city called Fukuoka, Kyushu. In our community we were the only Americans. We had other missionary friends who lived near by in other communities and we saw them on a regular basis, however; daily lives encompassed mostly Japanese people. I attended Japanese kindergarten and my best friends were Japanese.

I remember some young Japanese men (probably teenagers) walking near our house one day shout, "Yankee go home!!" You will need to place the proper emphasis on the words to get the full effect. It probably sounded more like "Yanke (soft a) go homu!!" As a four/five year old, I recall being completely incensed by this statement. It was such a false accusation! Wearing my then blond hair I shouted back in my loudest and firmest voice, "Watashi wa 'YANKE' ja naidesu. Watashi wa Nihon-jin desu!" Translated, "I'm not a Yankee, I am Japanese!" Besides, I wasn't even from the North. Why did they think I was Yankee? Ha!

I guess our presence was a little bit intimidating. Here we were perched on the hill, representing the saviors from America, bringing the good news. Living in what represented a castle to their tiny, dirt floored homes. My memories are vague but, hopefully, relay the message I'm trying to share.

We came to the states every five years. My first visit was in 1962 when I was three years old. I thought we traveled by ship but my dad's book states that we flew. This was my first time in an airplane. We arrived in San Francisco and visited my Aunt and her family in Sunnyvale, California. We then proceeded to drive across American with my family of seven and one of my first cousins', making eight. I can only imagine what kind of trip that was.

My dad, describes some of the feelings they had after they arrived in the States in his book, Windows in the Wall. He writes,"From Sunnyvale, California to Brookhaven, Mississippi was a long journey for us with six children, but we had the wonderful opportunity of seeing the land that we loved. It was hot and arid, but it was beautiful. The people spoke English and didn't stare at us. We traveled along the roads, through the cities and countryside, and hardly anyone noticed that we had been there. No crowds gathered around our car."

This pretty much sums up how life was for a missionary kid. In Japan, we were constantly stared at because we were so different. Even the monkeys at the zoo would gather around and mock us as if we were the ones in the cage. But coming to the states was another adventure. In the early 60's and even up to the mid 70's being a missionary kid was kind of like being a celebrity, both in Japan and in the states. My dad's book also makes reference to us kids being "little missionaries."

If you know anything about me or my siblings, we were anything but "little missionaries". I guess our lives pretty much typified the infamous preacher's kid. This isn't something that I'm rather proud about, it's just a fact. Now, I can only really speak for myself, however; my siblings weren't complete saints either.

But, I do think that everyone thought that we were supposed to be "missionaries." Well, I don't know who signed me up to join that cause but it certainly wasn't me. So, when I received the call as a Freshman in college at 8:00 in the MORNING on a SATURDAY in the dorm hall and someone else had to wake up to answer it, I was just a little miffed. The lady on the other end of the phone identified herself as someone from one of the thousand Baptist churches surrounding Mississippi College. She was from the Baptist women's group and wanted to know if I could come speak to their group about missions and what it was like to be a missionary. Well, I was very quick to remind her that, "I AM NOT A MISSIONARY." Very incensed by this bold and rather rude reaction she responded, "Well, Janet, where do you go to church?" At the time, I wasn't involved in any church and frankly, didn't know if I would ever be so I said, "I DON'T GOOOO TO CHURCH." You can probably imagine this very refined southern lady's reaction to my response. She said, "Well! What would your parents think about that!!" I replied, "They know!!" And that was how the conversation or rather admonishments, both ways, went.

Time to get my kids to school. I'll continue this line of thought this evening.

Day Eleven - Maybe so, maybe not.

2009-09-15T19:29:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time, there was a wise old man who the village trusted. A villager visited the wise old man and said, "My bull died. It is the worse thing that has ever happened to me." The wise old man said, "Maybe so, maybe not". The villager thought the wise old man was crazy. The next day he found a horse lying across the plains, and he tamed it to his advantage. The horse was much more efficient than the bull. He went to the wise old man and said, "You were right! This was surely the best thing that ever happened to me!" The wise old man replied once again, "Maybe so, maybe not". The next day, his son broke his leg riding the horse. Once again, he went to the wise old man, "This is surely the WORST thing that ever happened," exclaimed the villager. The wise old man replied once more, "Maybe so, maybe not". The villager thought he was SURELY insane. The next day, all the sons of the village were forced to join the military except the injured son......... And so goes the story.

I read this story for the first time when we lived in Alabama somewhere around 1998 or 1999. At the time, I thought it was a very interesting story and thought it had a good message. Things aren't always as they appear. It is all a matter of perspective. I didn't know then how the story would apply to my life, but I am now seeing a little better picture of that. Last night I shared a story about a big barbecue on the beach with a bunch of Japanese men. I mentioned that one of my friends was "fortunate" enough to get us a bottle of whiskey. I don't remember how old I was. I could have been twelve or thirteen. I had never had alcohol before in my life. I really didn't know what would happen if I drank it. Needless to say, even a little bit for a first timer would cause problems. And boy, did it. I really got sick along with several other girls in the group.

Mr. J got really mad. And that really was a little weird, because he didn't usually get mad at us for doing things we weren't supposed to do. He was the "cool" teacher, right? Well, that night he was mad. I couldn't figure it out. One thing I don't think I have mentioned is that every time we went to Miyake, other than the school sponsored trips, Mr. J was usually the only adult around. It was just Mr. J and the kids. Don't you think that would be a red flag? It baffles me to this day that so many adults knew the nature of the camp and the adult child ratio but nobody did anything. At least not that I'm aware.

Anyway, years later someone shared with me their thoughts about the situation at the barbecue. I have not verified this and won't ever be able to so please take it for what it's worth. This person said that the plan was for the Japanese men to have an opportunity to be with young American girls. That night I thought I would die I felt so bad from too much whiskey. At the time, it seemed to be the worst thing that could have ever happened to me.
Maybe so. Maybe not.

Day Ten - Late NIght

2009-09-14T21:09:00.000-07:00

It's getting late and I'll have to follow up tomorrow night when I have more time. Goodnight.

Day Ten - Evening

2009-09-14T18:16:00.000-07:00

Today was an interesting day. My husband called me at work, just to see how I was doing. Tentatively, he said, "Your son's okay, just a little slap." Baffled, I thought, "What is he talking about?" Evidently my fourteen year old was called into the disciplinarian's office for inflicting a "purple-nurple" - also known as a "titty-twister" on another child. At first the child laughed - ha, ha. But then my son persisted. Thus, the slap across his face and probably cafeteria duty.

Shortly after, my oldest son (twenty seven) called. "Mom, I need your advise. This lady that was riding in front of me, started slowing down and uhhhhhh, I ran into her. I already called Dad. There wasn't much damage to her car, she just told me to give her $400 and call it even. What should I do?"

So, this is the day and the life of me.....and all of us. Circumstances happen to all of us, whether they are a fault of our own or others. We suffer consequences all the time for others. This is life. How good or bad it is depends upon you.

I was on my way home from, yes you guessed it, another football game, when I passed by a church marquee. Posted on the marquee was a quote from "The Talmud" although in reality it is an undisclosed source. It has been attributed to John F. Kennedy, however, that is not verified. It doesn't matter who said it, it's the message that counts. Posted on the marquee were the following words:

"If not you, who? If not now, when?"

I am reminded of a quote my older brother gave me, when six years ago, I was struggling through this horror trying to figure out if what I was doing was right. He reminded me of British philosopher Edmond Burke's quote:
"All that is necessary for evil to succeed is that good men do nothing. "

It is with these two reminders that I proceed. God help me.

There are a few stories that I referenced before that need to be shared. Okay, I already told you about the Old Women Who Lived Under the Street. That's pretty funny. I still think about that when I see reflectors on the street - And you thought I didn't know.

The other memory I have is about driving around at night on the island. The ONLY time I really remember driving around at night was when we went to an INCREDIBLE barbecue on the beach. The first time I ever had escargot was during this barbecue. Why does a word that is pronounced "ESS CAR GO" have a "T" at the end? Try living in Louisiana!!

Anyway, we went to this really cool barbecue on the beach, Mr. J and all his "followers". There were many Japanese men on the beach. We ate wonderful food and had a great time. One of my friends was fortunate enough to abscond a bottle of Suntory whiskey. Well, the rest was history. At least for me. And to this day, I won't touch whiskey, scotch or anything that reminds me of that.

Day Ten - Morning

2009-09-14T03:39:00.000-07:00

God is my refuge and strength and ever present help in trouble. Psalm 46:1

With only a few minutes to write this morning, I was hoping to share with you about the old women under the street. The significance of this story, however; is not about the old women who lived under the street but about my state of mind at the time as an eleven/twelve year old.

Miyake is only several miles around in circumference. It maybe took 45 minutes to drive around the entire island. I may be off a little on that. Often, at night we would go out and drive to do something - only one memory comes to what that was - I will share that later. Anyway, this particular night as we were driving we came around a curve and I noticed that these lights on the road lit up as we were coming around the curve. They were little lights in the center of the road spaced about a yard or two apart. I was facinated by those lights and couldn't figure out how they came on when a car approached. I then asked Mr. J, "How do those lights on the street come on when a car comes around the corner?" He looked at me confused and said, "What lights?" As we approached another curve (we were on a small island after all) I pointed and stated, "Look, those lights." Mr. J said, "Oh, THOSE lights. Well, there are little old ladies that live under the street that turn them on when a car is coming." For ever and a day, I believed him. I trusted him and was obviously very gullible. Now, before you are too quick to judge me as stupid, might I remind you to just go back a few years in your own life. You may not have to go that far.

I believe that this story just illustrates my state of mind as an eleven/twelve year old. And to this day, I still wonder how those old ladies get underneath the street!!

Day Nine

2009-09-13T18:26:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning feeling sick to my stomach. Not sick from a virus but emotionally sick. Much of the same way I felt six years ago when all hell broke loose. My dreams haunted me but more importantly, God reminded me that I wasn't communing with him. Instead of writing anything today I opted to read, go to church, contemplate my feelings and listen to God.

Every now and again I pick up a little book written by David Roper called In Quietness and Confidence. A friend of ours gave it to my husband and it's torn and tattered from being read so much.

Roper speaks about mankind's constant state of dissatisfaction. He writes, "Joy and sorrow are often juxtaposed." We may be relishing in comfort of over-indulgence and then quickly forget our blessings, begin complaining and become bitter about an insignificant discomfort. Our rights are being violated - how dare they be. But Roper continues, "We can sweeten the bitterness if we choose to see each circumstance as God's choice for us and willingly accept it - saying "yes" to him and to his will. He has chosen this difficult place for us, he has permitted this intrusion; it is his will that we are here. "Disappointment is his appointment," someone has said. We too must see it that way."

We seek satisfaction in things other than God. We strive to seek happiness and fulfillment in our own "broken cisterns", rather than in God Almighty who loves us and cares deeply for us, and who in his infinite mercy disciplines us.

As I read more this morning this question kept on nagging me. What is your motive in sharing this story? What are you willing to risk by sharing it? Are you willing to risk losing your family? Are you willing to risk doing something God doesn't want you to do? My answer to both of these questions is emphatically NO. I know what it's like to go against what God desires of me - it's not good. I prayerfully and deliberately ask for God's guidance. So, this is what fearing God feels like.

So, where does that leave me tonight? A little confused, but closer to the truth. I don't know where God will take me on this journey, but I know I can trust him to do what is right for me and for all involved. Proverbs 10:19 says, "When words are many, sin is not absent." T. S. Eliot wrote, "Where can the Word be found? Not here. There is not enough silence." So, I struggle with what to say, how much to say and how to say it.

Through-out the day I had different thoughts and feelings. If "silence is the mother of the wisest thoughts" how does silence protect the innocent. For those who are theologically conservative, I am talking about those who are being abused and are without a voice - not innocent in the general being. Who will speak out for those who have suffered if not those of us who have shared in the suffering? Why is protecting the innocent so hard?

Blogs can be both good and bad, like most things in life. They can be good in that you are some what forced to continue them if you have a reader following. They can be bad in that you really aren't accountable for your words and much like an email, you can post quickly before you have thought about what you've written.

So, where I am tonight? I am waiting to follow God. He will decide where this goes.

Roper concludes this chapter with this.

"James (apostle) says we must be "quick to listen [to what God has to say]" and "slow to speak" (James 1:19). This is not the slowness of ignorance, emptiness, timidity, guilt, or shame. This is the slowness of wisdom born of dwelling quietly with God."

My reponse: My Father is protecting me. Amen.

Thank you for holding my hand

Anonymous from Day Seventeen

Read from the bottom up

Day Sixty - two

Day Sixty-one

Day Sixty

Day Fifty-Nine

Day Fifty-eight J's response

Day Fifty-seven

Day Fifty-six

Day Fifty-six

Day Fifty-five - Response

Day Fifty-four - Live Life to its Fullest?

Day Fifty-four - New Communication to J

Day Fifty-three

Day Fifty-two - Child Slavery - Trafficing children

Day Fifty-0ne Dauphin Island - Beautiful and peaceful

Day Fifty - Back to the beach

Day Forty-nine

Day Forty-eight - More correspondence

Day Forty-seven - Harder and harder

Day Forty-six

Day Forty-Five - Email in my Inbox

Day Forty-Four - Back home again

Day Forty-Four - Another story

Day Forty-three JBM - Reunion

Day Forty-two Fire flies

Day Forty-one - Waiting

Day Forty -

Day Thirty-nine Letter to Mr. J - Really scary!!

More Fleury

Day Thirty-eight - James Kennedy

The Sheldon Kennedy/Graham James Case:Sexual Abuse in Canadian Junior Hockey

Day Thirty-eight - Theo Fluery - New Article Two

Day Thirty-eight - Theo Fluery - New Article One

Day Thirty-eight

Day Thirty-seven- Totally Helpless and Hopeless

Day Thirty-six - Response from ASIJ - The pathway is broken

Dad Thirty-six - Similarities are harrowing

Day Thirty-five - Now would be a good time to write

Day thirty-four - Contact with ASIJ

Day Thirty-four - Truth is truth whether you believe it or not

Day Thirty-four - Insidious

Day Thirty-three - UNBELIEVABLE!!

Day Thirty-three - "Who knew at age twelve?"

Day Thirty-two - Dreaded File

Day Thirty One-“There are no shortcuts to healing.” Quoted on Fox News by the mother of Rachell Scott, 1st fatal victim of Columbine shootings.

Day Thirty - The dreaded drawer

Day Thirty - "That's a tall order. Not so tall that you can't reach." Life of Pi

Day Twenty-nine - Thumb Drive - Continuation of 100 Anniversary of ASIJ

Day Twenty-eight - Evening

Day Twenty-eight - I think

Day Twenty-six - Maybe seven - Back to San Francisco Reunion

Day Twenty Six - Tired but resolved

Day Twenty Five - A little digression before I go forward

Day Twenty-four - Going forward - ASIJ 75 Anniversary

Day Twenty four - Few more thoughts about responsibity

Day Twenty Three - Tired - Short post

Day Twenty-two - Miyake Volcano

Day Twenty-one - 1997 - 2000

Day Twenty-one - Don't tell

Day Twenty - Continuing with some interesting insite

Day Twenty - From the height of joy to the depth of despair.

Day Nineteen - Still muggy in South Louisiana

Day Eighteen -

Day Eighteen-Long Beach 70's Reunion

Day Seventeen - Insecure

Day Sixteen - On a roll

Day Fifteen - Diving back in

Day Fourteen - True Nature of Man

Day Thirteen - Life and circumstances

Day Twelve - Too Late

Day Twelve - Early Morning

I guess our presence was a little bit intimidating. Here we were perched on the hill, representing the saviors from America, bringing the good news. Living in what represented a castle to their tiny, dirt floored homes. My memories are vague but, hopefully, relay the message I'm trying to share.

Day Eleven - Maybe so, maybe not.

Day Ten - Late NIght

Day Ten - Evening

Day Ten - Morning

Day Nine

The Sheldon Kennedy/Graham James Case:
Sexual Abuse in Canadian Junior Hockey